These boots

[AndrewP]

*Crabbuckit" is a single by Canadian hip hop musician k-os, released in 2004 as a single from his album Joyful Rebellion. The title and work refers to the crab in the bucket syndrome where a group of crabs will pull down any crab that tries to escape, thereby ensuring their collective demise.

And it's a fun song that is very dance-able. There are some interesting cameos in the video too. It always surprises people who happen to be around when my music goes on shuffle when songs like this come up after playing Frank Sinatra or Placido Domingo.

You truly are an amazing man. You are funny, handsome, intelligent, loyal, a great family man, adventurous, stable.....the list could go on and on here. You have SO much to offer a woman and there is a lovely lady out there for you. She may very well drop in your lap at some point, but I don't think SL is it anymore than your XW or B were.

Awe shucks - you're still trying to set me up with your Mom aren't you. She does seem like a sweet lady though.

[DnJ]

Hello Andrew

We should perhaps though think too about being a bit less crabbuckit. I have been pleased though that this community IMO has become a lot more positive than it used to be at least.

Crabbuckit - really? Pulling others down to our collective demise. I don’t think this board deserves that insinuating monicker.

I've never been a big fan of the word "deserve". I don't believe in destiny nor even fairness. That doesn't mean that I don't try to achieve fairness. People get what they get. They accept what they accept. I'm learning that I don't have to accept what I get. But people don't often get what they or others may feel what they "deserve".

The comments do deserve response so I'll take a swing at some of them.

Deserve - two different view points.

Like most things there are positive and negative connotations, and everything in-between. Deserve is basically worthy. One could be worthy of reward or punishment or limbo, etc...

A belief, or not, in destiny, karma, etc... does not negate deservedness or worthiness.

For what it’s worth, I’ve found this board to be uplifting, and pretty far from the crab bucket.

DnJ

[Ginger1]

That crab bucket reference is a little insulting. We are all here to uplift others and help them see their worth. You really think we don’t want to see you in a happy healthy R, rather we want to pull you down and be “miserable” with the rest of us.

And as far as what I see here from the people I have gotten to know in person and in real life from this board are far from the crab bucket. There is no collective demise going on here. May some of us be unlucky in love, but we are highly successful people who are pretty happy. So we aren’t trying to pull you down with us, but rather lift you up with us.

[DonH]

Okay, I'll admit it, I had never heard the term or concept of Crabbucket before. I've heard of many other concepts involving animals - frogging for instance, but not Crabbucket. Interesting concept to be sure. Another interesting concept and one I've found to be true is, perception is reality. Is it really your perception that we are trying to drag you down to our level of "misery" so you don't feel better than we do? If that's your perception, then it's likely your reality. For me, the perception is you could be doing so much better and certainly are deserving better - like many of us here. As Butterfly said, we are attempting to pull you up. I most certainly see it that way. That's my and, I think for many, our perception and reality. I'll be further honest, I've kinda felt sorry for you with what went on with B. But, if you really think we are trying to pull you down I feel even more sorry for you. Again, it's your perception. Perhaps you're hurting even more than we know and that comment was evidence of Crabbucket in and of itself. Then again, I've just learned the term so what do I know.

[Westo]

I’ve never heard this term either and I too am a little offended.

We all want you to find happiness, Andrew, with a person who you can spend the rest of your days with. This person will be very special....they don’t just ‘fall out of the sky’ or grow on trees. Even if it takes a year or to to find her, it will be worth it, on the long run.

As others have said (and we can only go on what you post on here) you seem to be happy to just make do. You don’t sound fussy and you really should be.

Please focus on your trip and stop thinking of what may be. You’ve learned through B what you do not want and what you do in a relationship.

Just enjoy your trip and move on.

Please stop thinking that we are trying to bring you down when the opposite is true, I don’t understand why you can’t see it.

[Ginger1]

I will also say, when I found that guy online, And people, including yourself, told me it wasn’t a good idea, I for not one second though anyone was trying to bring me down. Whether I agreed with the advice or not, I never for a second thought anyone wanted to bring me down with them. Just that they really do want me to heal and find the right partner rather than early trying to find someone, anyone.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Andrew

Many people are attempting to pull you up. Others are standing beside you, fingers interlocked, providing a foothold, encouraging you to step into it and reach higher.

You journey is just that - your’s. As are your choices that shape it.

I include myself as a foothold guy. I’ll kneel down to help you back to your feet. Climb into your pit with hands and back ready to provide a boost.

You have many people who care. I do hope you see that.

The choice is your’s, as it always has been.

DnJ

[AndrewP]

Calm down everyone. All I was trying to indicate is that positivism is a helpful thing. So rather than predicting the demise of a relationship that doesn't even exist and might never or discounting the value of someone that even I don't know well, let's focus on things like my challenges in cooking.

One of the things that has changed since the spring and actually has very little to do with B is that I've now gotten rather good at making mushroom omelettes which are now my go-to on the weekends rather than just fried eggs. The part related to B is that she taught me that mushrooms can absolutely be a healthy and tasty addition to a diet and don't add anything bad. I suppose I always just considered them to be a sort of "luxury" and never checked the nutritional information. It does mean that it takes me a bit longer to cook breakfast and I use three eggs instead of two as that's the size of my omelette pan but that's fine. I am unsupervised after all.

Going to attempt my first lasagna in memory tomorrow. One of the things B liked was having pre-measured portions of ground beef for her diet which I now need to re-purpose. So - after chatting with D27 (who seems to be settling in to San Diego well) we agreed on a lasagna. I had thought of an eggplant lasagna which I've made a few times but was completely unable to find my recipe. It must have "left the building" 3 1/2 years ago. I honestly don't remember the last time I made a lasagna - it must have been at least 20 years ago. As with many of these recipes it says "serves 8". I only have 7 plates and have no intention of inviting S and her crew along but fortunately this will freeze well and will help feed S25 when I'm gone.

My ex was a big fan of her Betty Crocker cookbook that she got from her mother when she moved out on her own. She gifted both kids with an updated version. I've resisted buying my own copy and have done well by random browsing of the internet and think I found a recipe that will work for me. It uses basic unprocessed ingredients.

There is also a number of now excess canned goods that I'm going to drop off to the food bank this morning. Since her S38 uses the food bank, it might be appropriate that those items cycle back in. I'm intending on adding the local food bank to my list of charities that I support. It's run by the Salvation Army here. I'll probably write them a cheque in November in time for them to stock up for the demand at Christmas. At Christmas the local grocery stores will often have pre-packaged donations as well that my ex and I would usually add to our shop a few times. It makes sense as that focuses on the actual need. The canned pasta sauce and baked beans I'll be donating as something that I will never use will fit in to the general needs of the food bank clients I would imagine.

Putting the grocery list together I noticed that ducks are on sale so I'll pick a couple of those up. One for Thanksgiving and one for Christmas. There is a place where I can get free-range duck but it's quite a drive and they don't usually process their ducks until after October. When I was talking to D27 last night I asked if she knew if she was going to come up for Thanksgiving and she wasn't sure as she has been focused on her move.

Since the furnace is now running from time to time, I probably will put up the storm windows today. It marks the definitive end of a summer that was just a blur. Certainly a lesson that I shouldn't minimize my own desires to accommodate others. There was a lot that I had wanted to do and to do with a companion this past summer that just never happened. I can only blame myself as B wasn't here for much of the summer although I was adjusting my activities to be available when she was. This is one job that I absolutely dread and not just because it marks the end of summer. My house is quite high, the front window especially is very large and heavy, my ladder is in rather sad shape. My ex used to always make sure that she was somewhere else when I did it. I'll lose some cross-breeze through the house but do still have some windows that will open on warmer days until I seal the house up after it cools down enough that the furnace comes on through the night.

I will say that the interest by S - who was very clear that she was talking about 2 single people doing single people things together as friends - has been a very positive part of helping me heal. We say to not use others to help us heal but getting dumped - first by my ex and then by B with a couple in between who while we never got very close parted ways with me by their own choice - can really give you a kick in the self esteem. S reaching out to me has certainly helped with that.

Well - enough for now. I was debating whether to bother with a Saturday post but figured that I should.

[AndrewP]

Venting again.

Does anyone want a 25 year old? Going cheap. I can even throw in a pie if you like. I mentioned to him that I had bought extra sweet peppers when grocery shopping as they were on sale and that we should perhaps keep that in mind to try to eat them up before they go bad.

That got me a sarcastic remark about the fact that we were saving money on what we would be throwing out and being the adult in the room I responded with a raspberry. Which, like the last time I did it, got me a reaction of ice cold rage where he explained to me that he was trying hard to not yell. I stood up for myself and told him that I also was having a hard time then and other times not yelling. The stand-off eventually ended and he left the room.

When he channels his mother so accurately it is very disturbing. 95% of the time we don't interact at all and I do find that this episode doesn't bother me quite as much as the last one. He has such a very cutting way about him. He really doesn't appreciate I think how fortunate he is. I texted his sister later and slipped in the suggestion that perhaps he would be better off if he moved in with his mother. I lack the courage to reach out to his mother or even make the suggestion to him that he move in with her. With only one part-time under the table job there's no way he could make rent on his own. I was actually trying to do the math this morning of when the last time I talked to my ex. If it's defined by being in the same room and using words then it would have been during the lawyer meetings in mid 2017. If it's defined by attempting to have a conversation that would have been early January 2017 when I gave up standing and had a long phone call with her which mainly was me demanding she make a choice and her sniffling. Prior to that, July 2016 before she moved out. Then she was so very full of herself and so scornful of poor pathetic AndrewP. Crap - it's been a long time. No sense changing that now though. I can't see co-parenting with her in any form. As far as I know she hasn't been very involved with either kid. Reading over the years, it is amazing how so very often this is the case with parents who have affairs and run off.

Le sigh. I am at a loss as to what to do other than suck it up and power through. I won't throw him out. We have both been clear for a long time that it would be better for all concerned if he were on his own. I've forwarded him job ads and know that he generally has ignored them. We've had calm conversations and he agrees with everything I say and then does nothing. With car payments coming up, I can't really afford to rent him an apartment.

I do expect that when I'm away that he will spend a fair amount of time with his mother but I honestly can't see him moving in with her. From what I've heard OM has moved in to her apartment with her. It's either a 2 or 3 bedroom place but is undoubtedly crowded with crap just like S25's room. I honestly don't know how he can live like that. Every flat surface has "stuff" on it - often empty pop cans or stuff related to his bubble pipe and just random junk. Clothes all piled on his bed and floor. I know he is capable of making things tidy but he just doesn't. He really is living like a 17 year old. Fortunately he does confine that to his room and the rest of the house is reasonably tidy. Even the kitchen which we share but that's because I clean it. He is more than content to have dishes pile up for a week which is usually the case when I go away.

I did reach out to S via text asking about her day and commenting about "surly child". We had a nice back and forth. She was attempting some electrical work, complained about her own "surly child". I made a joking reference that our mutual friend from the cafe had suggested that I might find romance in Madrid which S agreed with me that a whirlwind vacation fling wasn't really a good idea. She invited me over for coffee and a snack but I declined for a variety of reasons the main ones being that it was close to dinner time and I also had a number of things on the go that I wanted to finish. S is continuing like when she invited me out to look at this as two single people who can maybe do things together that friends do. It's a healthy low pressure way to proceed. We'll - eventually - see if that changes. No rush and no pressure. If we can go out a few times as friends with no pressure and get to know each other we can see where it goes or doesn't go. It was nice to have someone that I could reach out to even in this fashion. I expect that she was pleased that I initiated contact.

I got a lot done yesterday including getting the storm windows up. It is still a bit early but given the good weather yesterday it seemed like a good idea. It does mean that S25 has no opening window again and I can smell his bubble pipe in other parts of the house but - not my problem.

In October I may ask S to go with me to collect the wildflowers and grasses I turn in to Autumn decorations for the house. When I was married I never did anything like that as I didn't feel that I would have "permission" and also felt that no matter what I did that I wouldn't do it "right". It's nice to have the freedom to do this sort of stuff now and I've done it every autumn ever since.

Well - tea pot is empty. Time to go for a walk and then lunch. It's a sausage and bean soup today. Then making the sauce for my lasagna which will undoubtedly have a fair amount of sweet peppers in it. I'm hoping to get some packing done as well as some yard work. If the rain holds off I may give the grass the last cut of the year. The flower beds need to be cut back and gotten ready for winter.

[Ginger1]

Andrew, the answer isn’t moving in with his mother. The answer is for him to become a motivated man and get his stuff together. Staying there under current circumstances or moving in with mommy at 25 certainly isn’t going to get him here.

What has hope of getting him there? Giving him an eviction notice. Not throw him on the street, but give him a time frame . “ you will have to be out of the house by November 1st”. he will have no choice but to do for himself. Whether it’s get another part time job, or find a roommate situation so his rent is cheap, he’s got to do for him like a man would.

You do realize nothing is going to change if nothing changes, right? He will just be S35 being a surly unmotivated child under your roof. And surely you don’t want that for him.

Just remember. Nothing changes unless something changes.