Persistent Endurance (Part 6)

[LH19]

I don’t think going is would be considered cake eating it would be more to check the boxes of we tried everything.

[curtis7]

I don’t think going is would be considered cake eating it would be more to check the boxes of we tried everything.

Yep, I agree this may be to say we tried everything. Accepting that POV makes it easier to keep my expectations low going in.

My comment regarding cake eating was alluding to the notion of her being able to maintain the status quo for a couple more months with the horse, family, and benefits of marriage.

I do feel she is torn between giving up the awesome single life that allows her to do what she pleases and the stability and security of the lifestyle that she has in our MR. Unfortunately, she can’t yet see how to be happy in the MR. She won’t acknowledge the possibility of a win-win scenario (married and happy).

[AnotherStander]

Thanks AS! I appreciate the advice. Sounds like I will become a validation expert, a useful tool in a relationship. She’s definitely had her feelings through all of this and mine have mostly been in direct conflict. I will be careful not to judge as they were real for her regardless of whether I felt they were right or wrong.

Yes exactly right. You'll learn that your feelings weren't so much in conflict, it's just that each individual has different feelings and feelings are not "right" or "wrong". For example maybe my favorite cousin Joe Awesome passed away in a car accident. I am upset about it but others I know could care less because they don't know him, so me expressing grief about it might be falling on deaf ears. The thing is, even though they don't care, I do, and if they were sensitive to my feelings then they would understand and sympathize even though it's not a personal loss to them. Sometimes your feelings may be the opposite. Maybe Suzie down the street had a dog that was run over by Joe Awesome and she never got over it, so she was actually happy that he died. Those feelings may seem "wrong" to me in my grief, but she has her reasons for her feelings just like I do.

I do hope we make it through the weekend and the six post sessions.

I think if you're honest with yourself you "hope" that because you heard the statistic that people that made it through all the sessions had a better chance of saving their M. But I don't want you to get your hopes up, you'll learn a lot but this isn't the "epiphany" you want your W to have. The statistic gives false hope because the people who both WANT to work on their M are the ones that go to all the followup sessions. It's not the other way around where the people who make it through the sessions save their M. Do you understand the difference? Your W is both feet out the door and this won't change that.

I feel completing the entire program would demonstrate some level of willingness and commitment.

I am with LH, she's only going so she can check it off her list of "everything I did to try and save the M but proved it was already over." It's fine to have hopes for future recon but you can't attach them to a "magic bullet" because that's not how these things work (unfortunately).

I can't say this enough- DROP ALL EXPECTATIONS.

[curtis7]

I think if you're honest with yourself you "hope" that because you heard the statistic that people that made it through all the sessions had a better chance of saving their M. But I don't want you to get your hopes up, you'll learn a lot but this isn't the "epiphany" you want your W to have. The statistic gives false hope because the people who both WANT to work on their M are the ones that go to all the followup sessions. It's not the other way around where the people who make it through the sessions save their M. Do you understand the difference? Your W is both feet out the door and this won't change that.

I can't say this enough- DROP ALL EXPECTATIONS.

I hear you loud and clear. I needed the calibration. You nailed it on my hope if we were to complete the program. The 80% success rate is for couples that BOTH want to do the work. I am at an extreme handicap, a 1% long shot.

I figure that somewhere along the line, during the weekend, post sessions, or some other awakening, a change in her mindset would need to occur for things to swing back in my favor. She would need to want to work on the MR. Otherwise, we will end up in the 20% category of those that finish and don’t save their MR.

Either way, I’ll go, enjoy my time there, and live with the outcome.

[ovrrnbw]

C,

what's up man?

I'm surprised your W went to talk to your mom. Kind of weird but oh well. I wouldn't think about it very much though.

"I've notice his changes, but I'm still trying to figure things out for myself."

This is just WW garbage IMO. Why does she need OM to "figure things out"?

Most of everything she told your mom is a steaming pile of horse...well, you know.

I do feel she is torn between giving up the awesome single life that allows her to do what she pleases and the stability and security of the lifestyle that she has in our MR.

Well you just told her how much you love her, she is able to talk to you when she needs to, come see the horse...I only say this to remind you that she hasn't given up much yet.

I figure that somewhere along the line, during the weekend, post sessions, or some other awakening, a change in her mindset would need to occur for things to swing back in my favor

I think your W has had moments like this. The real change is when she decides to continue working on things even when she doesn't feel like it - that's the hard part for a WS. When things are rosy, everyone is good. When S&%^ hits the fan, can you stand and fight or will you run? In this regard, the WS is no different than anyone else. We say our vows, but when push comes to shove, do we mean them?

I think you can show your love for her in ways other than sending a text out of the blue telling her you love her. I think you just go be a good dad, leave her be, and do the things that make you happy. That's love C.

[IHCLACS]

C,

"I've notice his changes, but I'm still trying to figure things out for myself."

This is just WW garbage IMO. Why does she need OM to "figure things out"?

Most of everything she told your mom is a steaming pile of horse...well, you know.

From who's horse? Lol.... Sorry Curtis... I luv ya! Just that everytime I read about the horse or horse puckey. It makes me laugh. Horses that smile like Mr. Ed really make me chuckle.

[curtis7]

Well DB community my Retrouvaille weekend has arrived!! Things feel awfully surreal with WW this week. Very little interaction and communication. On Monday she texted asking about the plan for my mom watching the kids while we go to RetroV. She said this was getting super inconvenient as we are going to miss D5’s soccer game on Friday, S8’s fall baseball opening day on Saturday, and she’s not able to attend a software training seminar for work that she planned before I brought up attending the weekend. I validated in response and she replied that she is not looking forward to this at all with a frown emoji. I asked if it was because she didn’t know what to expect and she replied I don’t know.

On Tuesday night she came over to feed the horses and D5 left her shoes. So, I brought the shoes over to W’s house before school on Wednesday morning. Took the kids to sports practice that evening. I coached S8’s baseball, W watched D5’s soccer. W came over to the baseball field after soccer practice ended and was friendly with the other parents. We walked to the parking lot together and exchanged some small talk before going our separate ways. A little later she texted saying thank you so much for bringing D5’s shoes over this morning. I have been getting a little different vibe from her lately sort of like she doesn’t mind being around me. Imagine that, feeling like your W isn’t repulsed being around her H.

This evening I texted her asking if she would like to leave around 5pm tomorrow and grab a bite to eat on the way. She replied sure. So, I guess she is okay with us driving to RetroV together. I did request two beds in the room. Not trying to apply any pressure in that regard. Hopefully, I don’t do, say, or write anything that makes my sitch worse. I’ve felt very strong and confident the past few days. Definitely more like I was prior to BD although much more self aware now and with my 180s part of who I am.

I’m feeling really good tonight and eager to spend a weekend with my W. I have no idea how either of us will handle what we’re about to get ourselves into. Whatever happens happens.

Thank you everyone for the support. Wish me luck.

[Traveler]

Hi Curtis,

I skimmed your situation. If it wasn't obvious to your wife initially, it's painfully clear by now you love her and you're trying your very best to make this work for yourself and your family.

If AnotherStander says he learned most of his validation skill from RetroV--wow! I've been reading about listening, validation, and empathy for weeks. My relationship with my partner, family, colleagues, and even ex's improved. It's the best skill I've learned in years. Yet.. I hear nuances in his posts I haven't mastered.

I hope this weekend is a great learning experience. I hope having tried it all, it will also enable you to step out of limbo--either with your wife towards marriage, or on your own towards a faithful partner.

[DaB35]

Just catching up on your situation. Good luck for the weekend.

I agree with CW above - I've been using validation/empathy techniques on my members of family and things have improved between my mum and sister massively in the last few months. We talk more and my mum has said she has noticed I'm like a different person - much happier.

The key here is what's been said before - no expectations. Just be confident and positive inwardly, and that will exude confidence outwardly. Apologies for the rather clumsy way of phrasing that!

[LH19]

Well I'm glad she has a positive attitude about it lol. Keep your expectations at zero!

I really hope you understand some day that she needs to EARN another chance with YOU by doing ALL the heavy lifting.

Good luck my friend!