I thought by saying that, I wasn’t trying to end what could’ve been an argument. What could I have said to listen and validate better?
I just searched for self differentiation. I feel like I’m understanding loving detachment more.
Communicating about our marriage in MC is all I can do at this point. While I want to work on our marriage, I’m just tired of fighting for it.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by HrtHsbnd
Thank you Steve! I definitely needed the 2x4’s.
I wanted to explain a couple of things more.
She served me papers back in May, so we are in the divorce process. I wasn’t trying to get empathy, I really just wanted to understand why she felt that shaking hands was weird to her so I could learn from that situation. I was listening and validating her mother. I didn’t react negatively to anything she said or did. I responded with I’m sorry you feel that way or you have every right to feel that way. She just got more upset and then stormed off.
As far as detaching, I’m obviously not there yet. But how do I totally detach and go dark when we’re supposed to be working on communication? Are you saying that I need to give her what she is giving me with her communication?
Even though I like to believe I’m a pro at this because of how long we’ve been doing it, I know I’m really not and we haven’t been doing it a long time I guess.
Saying "This isn't the time and place to get angry" is not listening and validating. And even if validation makes your MiL angry, likely anything would at that point!
Detachment is a state of understanding that YOU are responsible for your own fulfillment and happiness. You claim to be knocking GAL out of the park but if you are struggling with that then I would question if that is true.
Communicate in MC. Outside of MC stick to logistics and listening and validating.
Detachment is not the same as going dark. Going dark is not what I am advocating. Going dark would be ending MC. Look up "self-differentiation". It is another way of saying loving detachment.
I am saying what I said above: Communicate in MC. Outside of MC stick to logistics and listening and validating.
I find that very odd, but this whole situation has been odd. I don’t see how we can be going through a divorce and work on our marriage. However, I feel my wife has been very immature throughout this entire process and I don’t truly think she understands what the outcome means. I also don’t think she really knows what she is doing. I truly don’t based on her actions. She has been spoiled and is always used to getting her way.
She wants to treat this like a business, so in business I shake hands. I was just trying to give her what she’s giving me. What should I have done?
Sorry, I missed your question. I do have a tendency to want to be in control, but I’ve really worked on that during this situation. I feel I’m in a much better place. In fact, I’ve basically let her have the control so she can’t accuse me of being in control.
Yes. I have read his post several times. You guys are so amazing and I truly love getting your input. I am trying to follow all the advice here and do what I think I’m supposed to do in MC.
Originally Posted by LH19
H,
Now I remember, your W has filed for D and now you're in MC. Do you not find that odd?
What were you trying to achieve with the handshake?
She keeps telling me she doesn’t trust me. I’ve never cheated on her and I’ve never given her a reason to betray her trust. This all started because I was upset with her for 8 months about a house we both tried to get. We are real estate agents.
I thought by saying that, I wasn’t trying to end what could’ve been an argument. What could I have said to listen and validate better?
I just searched for self differentiation. I feel like I’m understanding loving detachment more.
Communicating about our marriage in MC is all I can do at this point. While I want to work on our marriage, I’m just tired of fighting for it.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by HrtHsbnd
Thank you Steve! I definitely needed the 2x4’s.
I wanted to explain a couple of things more.
She served me papers back in May, so we are in the divorce process. I wasn’t trying to get empathy, I really just wanted to understand why she felt that shaking hands was weird to her so I could learn from that situation. I was listening and validating her mother. I didn’t react negatively to anything she said or did. I responded with I’m sorry you feel that way or you have every right to feel that way. She just got more upset and then stormed off.
As far as detaching, I’m obviously not there yet. But how do I totally detach and go dark when we’re supposed to be working on communication? Are you saying that I need to give her what she is giving me with her communication?
Even though I like to believe I’m a pro at this because of how long we’ve been doing it, I know I’m really not and we haven’t been doing it a long time I guess.
Saying "This isn't the time and place to get angry" is not listening and validating. And even if validation makes your MiL angry, likely anything would at that point!
Detachment is a state of understanding that YOU are responsible for your own fulfillment and happiness. You claim to be knocking GAL out of the park but if you are struggling with that then I would question if that is true.
Communicate in MC. Outside of MC stick to logistics and listening and validating.
Detachment is not the same as going dark. Going dark is not what I am advocating. Going dark would be ending MC. Look up "self-differentiation". It is another way of saying loving detachment.
I am saying what I said above: Communicate in MC. Outside of MC stick to logistics and listening and validating.
How about: "I hear what you are saying and I understand that you feel I have burned my bridges. For that I am very sorry."
Again, be conciliatory. Be apologetic. Be understanding. To a fault.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
She keeps telling me she doesn’t trust me. I’ve never cheated on her and I’ve never given her a reason to betray her trust. This all started because I was upset with her for 8 months about a house we both tried to get. We are real estate agents.
Why does she say she can’t trust me?
Have you ever lied to her? Spied on her? Snooped on her? Told people things behind her back? Did you ever not doing something she trusted you would do?
Trust is more than cheating. Being upset with her for 8 months, essentially holding a grudge against her, is betrayal. Again, even if you've been perfect, empathize with her. Her perception is HER reality.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Our son started practice today, so this was the first time we’ve had to be together in public to work on coparenting. I felt it was awkward. As usual, she brought her mother. This was also the first time I’d seen her mother in months. I spoke to her mother and tried to be nice, but got yelled at a couple of times.
Next time sit somewhere else or go stand by the rail and watch.
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I was also told that I would NEVER get back in her parents heart. I got the blame for everything again with her mother too. I took it because I’m trying to humble myself. I explained that this wasn’t the time or place to get angry at me. She agreed and walked off.
No R talks at kid functions, period! EVER! If she starts it or her mom or whoever, just say "I'm here to enjoy watching S and support him, let's discuss that another time." If they continue then go sit somewhere else (which you should be doing anyway).
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My wife was cold and distant with me the entire time. When practice was over, I took my son to her car where she was there. I told her it was nice to see her and I tried to shake her hand.
You tried to SHAKE HER HAND??? Are you buying a used car from her? Don't do that, she is right that is really weird.
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We texted for about 20 mins after, as I was trying to understand why she wasn’t so cold and distant with me. She just said because she was. I feel it ‘s all because she was around her parents and I don’t know how to overcome that issue.
She's a WAS, it's what they do. She's trying to build distance between the two of you and you need to respect that and give it to her.
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Im trying to stay positive. I’m GALing like a madman. I’m living my own life. I am trying my best to be so patient. I’m just to my breaking point.
If you're really GALing and living your own life, then you don't need to be patient and you don't have a "breaking point", right? Think about this. These comments don't go together! When you drop the rope and detach, then you're positive no matter what is going on with your W. You are happy. You don't need patience because you're not waiting, you're done waiting and you've moved on. There is no "breaking point" when you get here.
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Is 6 months a long time to be patient?
In DBing terms 6 months isn't much. I know it seems like forever to you but it's not. It takes a good year to 18 months to well and truly detach for most people. And it can take longer than that for a WAS to come out of the fog.
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Are these ups and downs normal? Why do they happen?
Yes they are normal. Why is hard to explain because the "why" is in her head. There's a storm raging in there and she is confused and in turmoil even if she doesn't act like it outwardly. Her actions and words will flip around and defy logic. It's why we call it the "roller coaster". Your goal is to get off of it and let her ride it alone. She goes up and down and round and round while you stand tall on firm ground.
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When is enough enough?!?
You'll eventually reach a zen state where you realize life isn't about her or your M, it transcends that. And you'll start making choices based on what is best for you and your children rather than out of blind loyalty to a marriage that is already dead. Ironically it's not until you get to that point that she might look back at what she's missing.
I got upset because we wanted the same house listing, we are real estate agents. I feelt she did something very dirty to get it over me and got angry for several months with her.
Basically, BD in March and moved out later that month. W and MIL looked for an apartment for me for a week. She had a lawyer draft up a simple separation to make it look official. W gave me the ILYBNILWY speech. She was very distant, guarded her phone, etc. Kept becoming more distant. She wouldn’t let me see my son on his birthday until I signed something from her attorney, which I wouldn’t do. I decided to go get my own attorney.
I went to my lawyer and was told to go home, so I drilled the door locks out and came back in. I found her entire family living in our home. It was horrible! My FIL decided to call a ‘family’ meeting a week into us living together. He told me to get out or I would be sorry. So they decided to take my son away. Luckily, there was a tracker on her car so I knew where they were with him.
I was served divorce papers the next week. Her parents want to be in control of our family.
She decided she wanted to take our son to a psychologist who is really great. He also does MC, too. The doctor said our son was fine, but he wanted to see us. He said he feels we should make it. She’s denied any type of affair and everyone believes her, including the doctor.
The rest is basically in this thread. I’m just at my breaking point with all of it. Her parents are just not going to let her stay with me. I feel she is very immature and irresponsible, as she has never had to face any consequences because her parents always fix it for her.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by HrtHsbnd
I feel like I haven’t been getting any responses lately and I really need some help!
I saw you ask for LH to come help. I am not following your sitch. Could you give me the elevator pitch? Update your signature as well?
