My W does know about the first 2. Not the last 2. At the time, after her very deep, and strongly connected EA in 2005, I came clean about the first two. We recommitted to each other and moved forward.
So it sounds like that has not been a factor in her having these EA's, that's mainly what I was curious about. Given your above response and your very strong expressions of remorse here, I'm wondering if you feel like you need to come clean to her on the second two EA's? I am absolutely not suggesting that you do or don't, merely asking you where your heart is on that. I know you're a man of faith so I suspect it's been eating at you a long time.
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I believe that if she knew about my last two, that attitude you suggest might be hers. But since the night I confronted, she has taken full ownership, and is willing to work to fix things.
Obviously opening up to her about yours now could be very difficult given her recent activities. That would be a very difficult choice to make and I certainly don't envy you. Maybe something to discuss with your IC, or privately with your MC.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
The forum is emotionally draining, even when in just a support role. Helping others gives me a clearer idea on how to interact with my woman. There is a balance.
Absolutely. In some ways reading other sitches makes me relive some of the pain I went through in mine and that can be difficult at times. But it also reminds me of why it's important to be very vigilant in my current R's, not just with my GF but with my kids and even my ex. And it is therapeutic helping others, and who better to help them than those of us who have walked a milerun a marathon in their shoes.
I believe that if she knew about my last two, that attitude you suggest might be hers. But since the night I confronted, she has taken full ownership, and is willing to work to fix things.
Obviously opening up to her about yours now could be very difficult given her recent activities. That would be a very difficult choice to make and I certainly don't envy you. Maybe something to discuss with your IC, or privately with your MC.
FWIW, I found it difficult to "come clean" with my W about various things while she was obviously still wayward. At the very first, mind you, before i got me feet under me and started DB-ing, I was all "Im so sorry, I effed up our MR, what can I do?" etc etc... But that was, obviously, not at all helpful and i quickly wised up and stopped doing that. There were, however, things that i DID need to take ownership of like mishandling and hiding the family finances, as well as things that happened during her WW days (like my nights out and some of the monitoring) that, as I presume it is with your own EAs, I did not feel like it was helpful to be disclosing at that time. And my MC/IC backed me up on this. Later, though, when it became clear she had had her "turn" and was bought-in on repairing the MR, i did start sharing some of that with her, and it proved to be a good choice to have delayed-- it was less worrying/threatening to discuss my own missteps at that point having the confidence that we were reconciling. Not that i was "off the hook" mind you, but we were, I am convinced, able to address those issues in a much more constructive fashion without putting the MR at additional risk during the previous period when it was under much greater stress.
Keep up the good fight... praying hard for you and your W...
Last edited by hoosjim; 09/05/1909:06 PM.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Well, I may come off as looking a bit mean, but I'm not going to tell you that your just human and that everyone makes mistakes (at least not yet). I was amazed after you got a few verbal pats on the shoulder, you quickly returned to the subject of how your W has changed. You don't want to talk about your four affairs, but you jump right back where you left off with her.
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Ok everyone. I have something I have to confess. Something I've never admitted in this forum before, but based on my current circumstances I feel it is extremely necessary to come clean.
I've had my own EAs.
Wow this is harder to post than I thought it would be.
I'm so sorry to disappoint you all.
It's not so much about disappointing us.......although, I'll admit it does, b/c you've presented yourself as the faithful spouse for 1 1/2 years. Did you ever consider the advice from some of us might be just a little different if you had been upfront at the beginning? I mean the basic principals wouldn't change, but I think you know what I mean. I went back and read your threads again, and it's interesting when it's read with seeing you as the faithful spouse and then reading it again after finding out you are just as guilty as your W.
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I've had 4 total. First two were 17 and 18 years ago. Those I admitted to my wife after her EA in 2005.
So you had two EA's before she had one, right? Was it the two women you referred to in previous posts?
Okay, so then you had two more EA's after her's in 2005. Was it with the same woman or same two women?
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I feel really guilty right now. Ashamed. And as I said I do not feel like I can take a firm stand against this, as firm as some of you here are advocating, because I have the whole "he without sin cast the first stone" thought process.
Steve, you feel guilty & ashamed b/c you have not been totally honest with your W, or even with those who wanted to help you. You knew people looked up to you and respected the advice you offered. Yet, you continued to play a role. I can't help but wonder if this parallels with your church life. You are playing a role in your M, at church, and in life. No wonder you are exhausted! Take it from one sinner to another, it will catch up with you. I don't know if you have squared things away with God, but I encourage you to do what you believe and teach. I also encourage you to seek His perfect will for how you address this situation. I pray that you will find peace in your heart. Once you know you are right in the eyes of God, then you can stand up for what is right. You can stand against sin, without stoning the sinner. ((hugs))
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Originally Posted by CWarrior Steve, did your EAs 6-8 years ago involve ILUs and nude picture exchanges like your wife's? It seems to me an EA is more loosely defined than a PA, and all EAs while harmful are not equivalent.
Yes.
Instead of us having to pick you, why not tell us about the EA's?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The first one was someone I had met while dating my wife. She started flirting and emailing nude pictures. This was back in the infancy of digital photography. She kept pressing to meet for "coffee", her euphemism for hooking up. I never let it get that far and she eventually meet someone and moved on. She was in the middle of a divorce when she was propositioning me. She lived about 15 minutes from me. This lasted about 6 months in 2000.
The second one was a woman I met online, on a online chatroom. She was in a semi open relationship. She listened to my marital problems mostly around me being a sex-starved husband. We web-cammed, and she did do some nudity on cam for me. She to started pressuring me to meet to relieve my pent up sexual energy. She alluded to performing acts on me without actually having intercourse. She lived about an hour away. At that point I cut off contact. My personal boundary was actually meeting in person. This one went on about 4 months in 2001.
W knew about both of those after I came clean following her EA in 05.
I stayed clear of all online activity like that afterward. And avoided social media.
Then (this is the difficult one to admit to), my longtime on again off again girlfriend contacted me via email in 2010. Eventually she started texting. Her marriage was rocky, she had just ended a 2 year PA with a guy I know. We started just confiding in each other. But eventually out turned sexual. There was sexting, even some phone sex. She would talk about meeting but it never materialized. I cut it off at one point but it started back up. It lasted overall about 21 months. She started going to MC to work on her marriage. By the way, she's contacted me on and off since 2012, sometimes trying to rekindle things but I've been resolute since then that there is no chance. Oh she lived about a half hour away.
The fourth was another girl I met, quite a bit younger than me (12 years), that I met online just after getting married. She was interested (lives about an hour away), but I made it clear I was married and not looking to cheat. We stayed in casual contact for years. She got married in 2007. In 2013 her marriage was having trouble. And she was pregnant with her only child. She contacted me, and it turned into sexting with her sending nudes. It lasted about 5 months and she later blamed it on pregnancy hormones and her husband not wanting to have sex while she was pregnant. She insinuated I took advantage of that.
That's the major details. I probably don't need to tell you all that in all 4 cases my marriage was not very good, and of course these actions didn't help. Further, I had various jobs stresses during the last two. Not an excuse but these helped me escape since this weren't great at home. I vowed after 2013 to never again let things like this happen.
Sandi, yes I've prayed and asked for forgiveness. Though my beliefs on true repentance means I will need to confess to my W at some point.
Obviously I'm very ashamed of these. I refuse to ever give in to such temptation ever again!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I've been listening to podcasts with Dr Glover where he discusses NGS within his life context. One of the huge things for him early on, and one aspect he says must be dealt with to recover from NGS, is being honest with yourself, and he did this by telling his support group all his little secrets, but was really worried that everyone would think ill of him - they didn't though.
Good on you Steve for having the guts to put it out there!
For what its worth, the accumulated weight of invaluable advice, motivation, perspective and encouragement you've given to people on this forum who come here in the darkest days of their lives, to me, far, far outweighs any personal indiscretions you've done.
Bravo Steve!
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
I've been listening to podcasts with Dr Glover where he discusses NGS within his life context. One of the huge things for him early on, and one aspect he says must be dealt with to recover from NGS, is being honest with yourself, and he did this by telling his support group all his little secrets, but was really worried that everyone would think ill of him - they didn't though.
Good on you Steve for having the guts to put it out there!
For what its worth, the accumulated weight of invaluable advice, motivation, perspective and encouragement you've given to people on this forum who come here in the darkest days of their lives, to me, far, far outweighs any personal indiscretions you've done.
Bravo Steve!
Thanks DS9. That was tough to admit to. But I am glad I did. I also thank sandi for her tough love!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I’m sure it was hard to come clean. But over the years you didn’t come clean to the person it matters to. You need to come clean about the ones you didn’t, especially the most recent one.
Yeah, it really is hard to hold firm to your boundaries when you have done the same. I get that. But you are just going to have a marriage of lies and ready going forward. Living with that guilt until old age will be a tough one.
I think your best bet is to come clean and let the will happen, happen. Maybe a clean slate is what you both need. Having a marriage built on a foundation of lies will never be a good thing.
IDK, Steve and I'll probably get flamed for saying this, but that's okay. And the answer is between you and God.
Confessing something that is old and done like this is IMO, in a way, taking your burden and dumping it on your W. Are you telling her for her benefit or your own? Does she need to know? Did she ask you?
Like I said, IDK. I just want to put that out there.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
IDK, Steve and I'll probably get flamed for saying this, but that's okay. And the answer is between you and God.
Confessing something that is old and done like this is IMO, in a way, taking your burden and dumping it on your W. Are you telling her for her benefit or your own? Does she need to know? Did she ask you?
Like I said, IDK. I just want to put that out there.
Sometimes things are better left in the past, yes. But when you are trying to enforce boundaries on things you are guilty of yourself and you are hiding, kind of makes you a hypocrite, don’t you think?
But I guess that is between you and god Steve. But it will be difficult
Come clean or don’t come clean S the choice is yours. My personal opinion is that you come clean and both of you get into IC and MC immediately and tackle it head on. You and your W need to figure out what is missing in your R because obviously there are needs not being met. I have said it before but my fear for you is that once your daughter is out of the house one of you will pull plug. That’s is why I feel you need to tackle it head on, I don’t think whatever is not being met is going to fix itself.
