..... and my daughter of course. Today I made an appointment finally to address this excruciating pain in my hip. I made my daughter’s pediatrician appt. I got a $600 refund for being wrongfully charged monthly for a gym membership I cancelled a year ago. It’s about me now.
Hawho, thank you. I have always though you were this incredible catch and I always hated seeing you being mistreated. I should also take some of my own advice sometimes. I know I’m the long run I would have been doing all the heavy lifting like I did with my ex. One person simply cannot carry an R. I wish he didn’t turn out to be this way and he was more of what he represented the first 6 months.
I am sooooo close to texting M asking him how his son’s first day at kindergarten was. Please, someone stop me! I’m sad I won’t get the pictures or hear him in his emphatic descriptions tell me all about.
Ugh.
Otherwise, D11 went off to 7th grade today. She growing up. Way too fast
Last edited by job; 09/06/1901:12 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
I know, I know. It’s an urge I am going to resist.
I’ve been pretty awesome so far. I’ve only reached out with the house fire. Nothing else. Sure, I miss the child, truly wonder how his first day was, but if he wanted me to know, I’m sure he would let me know.
When you get the urge to text M, post here, Facebook message someone, type the text out but send it to yourself instead of him, whatever. Do NOT text M. I get you love and miss his son, but sadly, he’s part of your past. (((G))) You got this!!!!!!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I hear you Ginger. GS4 should have been starting school this week too. When we get involved with someone it's not just that person. We get involved in the whole "ecosystem" around them.
There have been so many things that I have "needed" to talk to B about over the past month. The comfortable habits of just knowing that someone is there and that they care are hard to break. I managed to limit myself to just the one pre planned Happy Birthday.
Our breakups were different but also similar. They weren't our choice but we both know in our heads and our hearts that we did have in many ways the right choice thrust upon us. Disentangling ourselves from the life and narratives we created is going to take time.
You can do it. I can do it. But there will be for some time those tugs.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
D’s pep rally got canceled last minute tonight, and she is really super PO’d it has also been rescheduled for her birthday next Friday when me and her dad go out. Which we can still do afterwards.
So, it turns out I need a hobby. I can’t sit still and alone in my own home. My head gets the best of me. I get really sad and lonely unless I’m busy. So I need an inexpensive hobby. Trying to find one for myself. Else I’ll lose my mind. I sure do miss our weekend dates. It was nice having someone to eat with, go out with, or just watch TV with. Our last date we ordered in sushi, drank some beers and watched game shows. It was awesome. See, there goes my mind again.
I’m trying to get D11 to do something with me tonight, but my daughter has some expensive tastes.
I just need to keep myself busy as to not do anything stupid . Or let my mind go to places that it shouldn’t.
My coworker helped me search for a second job today. I guess that will help when I finally land one. Being alone with no money and nothing to do kind of stinks.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Excuse my ruminating and negative thoughts. The nights get to me. I’m pretty good during the day.
2 weeks ago D’s best friend’s mom went for a breast biopsy. I’ve been friends with her likewise since the girls were in kindergarten. They are the ones who live behind me and we help each other out a lot. They are a little older than me, both 52.
This morning we took our girls for cheer pictures. I dropped off D to run to the bank and she texted me saying she was hoping I was coming because she wanted to talk to me. She told me the biopsy came back positive for breast cancer. I gave her a big hug and we shed some tears. It’s very early stages and her doctor told her she would be fine. They are hoping hormonal therapy and a lumpectomy will be enough. She’s getting al of treatment done at the hospital in which I work. She asks if she was there for anything if o could come by and visit. I said of course and any help she needs food her or the kids, never ever hesitate to ask. Her one daughter is D’s age and the other just entered high school. I can’t imagine how scary it must be for her. No family history at all.
You just never know. Another cheer coach and mother of D’s classmates I noticed has short spiky hair now. I think she went through some treatment too. It’s so scary.
I’m not longer going to complain and I’m going to just love life no matter what it throws at me. I’m going to be there for my friend and do whatever I can to help out. It takes a village and these people have been my village throughout the years.
I’m going to D’s game tonight. Tomorrow I’m going to take a hike, the weather is gorgeous.
It’s amazing how news like that pushes us to reassess our priorities and count our blessings. Sounds like you are getting back on track Ginger. Good for you! (((HUGS)))
Ginger - regarding hobbies, have you considered using meetup? This is a fantastic, cost effective way to pursue hobbies!
I used it to join a weekend tennis group and a beach volleyball group. It was really fun! There are hiking groups, coffee meetups; all sorts of wonderful groups. I recall in my area even seeing groups like: 50+ and single hiking group. You may be able to find singles groups for your age is my point. And you can start groups as well!
The groups helped me get out of my head, meet new people and begin to rebuild my life. Ultimately I settled into playing Pickleball at a very social place nearby. You can drop in and play nearly every day! This motivates me to get my chores done early so I can go out and play!!! Hah!
There is so much life out there to live!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
My daughter is getting older so now it’s much easier for me to join activities. I’m pulled in so many directions but really need a nice weekend hobby.
I did join a coed volleyball team 2 years ago. I loved it! Made some young guy friends and since it was a bar league, we would hang out after for a drink. I was coming off a really bad depression from a breakup then. It helped me out tremendously
On the 3rd night however, I jumped up for a shot, came down and heard my knee pop. Tore my all. Had 2 surgeries and a big recovery. And my ex actually took my spot over on my team. Imagine that. My mind was so focused on rehabbing my knee. I did become good friends with My PT and the Pt aide. They are now actually coworkers and we are getting together soon for a painting party. Something good and positive did come out of it
So volleyball is kind of out, I am scared. But I’m sure there are other meetups I could join. I should definitely get back into that kind of stuff. You are right, there is so much life to live . Thanks for the suggestion. I love to hike, we have many beautiful places here, but I have zero sense of direction, so I’m afraid to go alone, haha.
But maybe that’s a great fit for me!
Last edited by job; 09/07/1909:42 PM. Reason: edited a word for Ginger
My best friend came with me tonight to my D’s football game. A small abbreviated version of the back story...... my best friend also dated my ex. Not the friend who I dated him right after, but yes, it was 3 of us and we all had our time with my ex. I was just the idiot who married him. My BFF and I went out drinking tonight and she decided to text my ex seeing if my ex regretted leaving me. She’s pretty convinced . Of course I tried to stop this to no avail.
And guess what. He took it as her hitting on him. And he was flirting with her. He said his best years were 16+ and those were definitely his happies years. Told my friend how she was all smiley tonight and how he remembers that about her.
If my friend would do it ( which she would not) he would hook up with her on a heartbeat.
This made me realize , no he hasn’t changes and he’s still the same dog he always her. But it just hurt that he would do it all over again. And honestly, he probably would with me too, if I showed an interest. This was spurred on by my friend noticing he is not happy and he probably regrets choosing his wife over me.
But in reality, he would chose anyone showing him attention .
So clearly, he would not be faithful given the chance to be unfaithful. Still to this day. And with my best friend, again. And he clearly still isn’t happy.
Wow. Such mixed emotions. I have just about the most awful taste in men. I procreated with this guy. A beautiful amazing daughter, but still. My taste in men is awful. Just awful. He’s awful. M was pretty awful in the end. Wtf?
So, my ex husband would still be a cheater . I learned that. He didn’t change.
Today would have been me and M’s one year dating anniversary. I’m sad about it. I’m sad it turned out the way it did. But there is nothing I can do about that.
I’m actually really focused on getting this second job. I’m geared up about bettering my financial situation. I just have to find the right job that is the right fit. Weekend only work is a little tough to find .
If there is anything I've learned and confirmed for myself, it's that for the most part, people don't change. They may alter but other than some life changing events they are who they are. So it does not surprise me one bit that your ex has not changed. We are who we are, we do what we do. We may change course slightly but full change is rare. Also, as lame as the statement may be, once a cheater always a cheater has some truth to it - because, well, because people don't change!
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
If there is anything I've learned and confirmed for myself, it's that for the most part, people don't change. They may alter but other than some life changing events they are who they are. So it does not surprise me one bit that your ex has not changed. We are who we are, we do what we do. We may change course slightly but full change is rare. Also, as lame as the statement may be, once a cheater always a cheater has some truth to it - because, well, because people don't change!
yeap... Don beat me to it. My XW is the same way and that was eventually the straw that broke the camels back. Even when she wanted to reconcile, it was clear to me that I would be in the same exact spot a year or two down the line. So for that reason, I am actually grateful that things ended when they did for me. Change is hard.
Totally agree with Don and pinn. People do not change. Changing outward things is easy so that happens but changing who one inherently IS rarely happens. As Don said, it’s kind of cliche to say “once a cheater, always a cheater”, but cliches are cliches for a reason, right?
I’m also a fan of a couple of other cliches that seem to fit here: “actions speak louder than words” and “when someone SHOWS you who they are, believe them”. Girl, you got the very best part of your XH and she’s adorable and will grow up to be a strong woman because she has a great role model.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Its a huge source of shame for me. I’m literally nauseated by the many mistakes I made at 19 and subsequently marrying him. I did it all put of abandonment and fear. And it set the tone for pretty much my whole adulthood. And it’s in my face all the time.
I wish I could get out of here. Out of this state. Away from everything shoved in my face every day. I hope to get that chance one day.
I’ve been alone all day and my mind is really getting away from me. I was productive today, went grocery shopping, mowed the lawn, made a new dish ( which was delicious,) vacuumed, did some laundry. I can’t relax though. I’ve hit the depression. You’d never know it, because I am very high functioning, but there is a part of me that is hurting badly for many reasons.
What am I going to do? Well, do what I do so well. I get up, do what I got to do the. Repeat the next day.
But I am feeling lots of loss right now. It stinks
I’m sorry too ginger. It’s normal to feel that way after a relationship ends. Bad feelings are part of the cycles of life and it [censored] when you are feeling like you at the bottom part of the cycle. It does hurt. How could it not? That’s totally normal. It won’t last though. You will heal. And you will grow from this because you are smart and self aware.
I was depressed after my last breakup. I was in a really bad mood and felt down. It helped me to recognize those feelings and acknowledge why I felt that way. Like you, I also felt relief - because I was unhappy in the relationship - but still felt depressed after it was over. I did know that those feelings were temporary and I gave myself 3 months to get myself back. Which is exactly what I needed. During those 3 months I did a lot of self care which helped. And I just kind of allowed myself to feel and accept those negative feelings and feeling of hurt.
I had hopes I would avoid this stage. But I’m deep in it. I even did go to bargaining and I just wished he would come back and tell me what a huge mistake he made.
It’s really hard when someone kept preaching a future and love just disappears. And I mean, he disappeared. With a “sorry, something is missing for me. You deserve to be happy and I’m sorry I can’t be the one to make you happy” and that was that. Poof, he’s gone. Yeah, I wasn’t all that thrilled the relationship. But I wouldn’t just say after a year and what we invested and say “ this isnt working” before trying to make it work. Which I was doing. Because I did love him. And I was trying to communicate and work with him and instead, he runs. I was thinking of all he said, looking at what he wrote in my birthday card in June, remembering the night in July he told he doesn’t know how he got so lucky....
I am reeling unable to make sense of it all still. And I never will. But this cold turkey is hard. I feel like it’s so over, but at the same time it’s unfinished business.
And I’m down. Life is really hard right now. But even when it was, I had my days with him I looked forward to. The dates. Feeling safe laying in his arms. It’s all gone. But I guess I have to remember when I told him things were hard, he negated me then broke up with me. Not a very good support anyways.
I’m just repeating myself, and I’m just really down in it now. It’ll pass eventually. I’m trying self care, but really I’m all around struggling. And my light at the end of the tunnel is gone.
And I don’t know why, but knowing my Ex is still the same kind of scum really upsets me. I almost thought I would feel better about it. I just don’t. I just feel more ashamed that he is the one person I married and had a child with. And I knew what he was capable of and I did it anyways.
And I have been thinking a lot about “what-if’s“ what if my dad did not leave my senior year and I wasn’t left with my mother going off the deep end? Would I have stuck it though in college because I wouldn’t have the immense amount of stress and shame I carried around? I pretty much know I wouldn’t have given my ex the time of day or hurt my friend the way I did if I wasn’t abandoned and scared. Everything just crumbled for me in a very important time of my life. I’m pretty sure it would have been immensely different. And I’m angry at my dad for it. Something i have never ever expressed to him and I most likely never will because he is all I have and I don’t want to hurt him.
I got through work today. I came home, messed up a new recipe because I lost my ricotta cheese, got an estimate on my masonry work I need. I really PO’d at my home inspector because he missed a lot. This is my first time homeowning without M around and he really did help me immensely.
I’m looking forward to bedtime now even though it’s 6:30.
Someone I know is going through a somewhat similar thing, although much shorter lived. An old high school friend started communicating with her online, he lives in a different state but has tons of frequent flyer miles from work, came to visit her and treated her like a princess, took her on a nice trip. He has money and promises were made about their future, he bought her things, she thought it was all great and WASN'T SUFFICIENTLY SUSPICIOUS of someone coming on so strong (they're in their 50's). Long story short, he returned home and apparently is an alcoholic who fell off the wagon, broke up with her over Messenger, has two DUI's. She's smart enough not to take him back but is bummed out because she had been imagining this great future with him. . (No he's not married and no hint of an OW). I think he broke up with her because he's fallen off the wagon.
You KNOW in your head this isn't about you, but it's time you learn to FEEL IT in your heart.
G, don't you dare take on the fact that your exh is and was an as#ho#e. First of all, that is on him. Second of all, you were young and in a difficult home sitch. You did the best you could with the knowledge and experience you had at the time. Had you known better, you would have done better.
The fact that he still is an idiot, is no reflection on you. None. Move past this one quickly, sweetie. He is who he is and who he always was. Thank God you didn't stay with him.
As far as M.. you know, G, we try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I learned a lot on this journey and still made a mistake with the man I was with before R. I trusted that he would do the right thing and he didn't and let me down. It was because I had hope. I had hope that people, regardless of my exh, are basically decent. And most are...but many aren't.
I think we keep learning lessons and truthfully, I keep having faith that people are going to do the right thing. I am disappointed a lot, but, its on them, not on me. I like that about me. I am not going to change who I am because people are who they are.
You wanted so much to find someone, and when you met someone who seemed decent, you went with it. Doesn't make you anything but kind and compassionate.
But...we do need to learn from our experiences. We do need to see what we need to see. I do think that you had some stuff you were starting to feel and you should have paid attention to those feelings. But that hope was so strong you didnt.
Now you know that you need to regroup. You need to really understand that you cannot let the hope and want blind you to the things that are important to see.
You loved him, G. I know how you love. So you are going to feel how you do now. You cant rush through this, G. You just cant. You have to go through all the feelings to come out the other side.
The most important thing right now is this. You need to know how great you are. That is the key here. When you know your worth, you are able to be more discerning in whom you choose. When you really know, you will not settle, you will not let hope cloud your vision, you will not accept less than you deserve. Until you get this...you will continue to make the kinds of choices you do. Sorry, but, it's the truth. You have to come from a place of strength.
You know you got this, my friend.You have been through far worse. Feel the feelings, then let them wash over you when you are ready.
I am over here praying for you and rooting you on.
I really needed to hear from you, UR, thank you. Honesty truth and understanding.
I definitely began to had feelings something wasn’t right and I was trying to keep my eyes wide open. I guess they weren’t open enough, because of the hope. I held on because I had hope his words were true. And some of his actions. I did love him pretty hard along with his family. It was big for me to trust. And I think my issue is he just let me down so badly.
At a year in, people are thinking about moving in together, getting engaged etc, and I get dumped.
I guess what ya me so freaked, and this may sound a little conceited, but, I am a catch! I love hard, I am funny, sweet, kind, self sufficient , a good mom, and I take care of myself. I’ll give anyone the shirt off my back and I’ll be there when you need me, no questions asked. And then a guy will tell me how awesome I am while they are breaking up with me. (except for my ex husband, he tore me apart). It simply baffles me. At that point my self esteem goes down the drain and I say “ what is wrong with me???” What is it that a guy eventually says how great I am but something is “missing” ( this wasn’t the first time” and I’m about to be 40 and I’ve spent the better part of my adult hood as a truly single mom. What can possibly be so great about me? Yes I can’t figure out what’s wrong.
There is nothing wrong with me. Except that the men i have married and dated couldn’t handle my awesomeness. They couldn’t match up and can’t admit that. They would rather blame it on “something being missing”
And I am trying to get my mind and heart to match up with the fact there was nothing missing, except his ability to love a woman who was not crazy and truly loved him through actions and words. I believe he didn’t know what to do with that.
My self worth is coming. And realizing how truly awesome I am, and rejection by broken men shouldn’t change that or take away.
In other news, my day at work was a challenge. I am expected to solve everyone’s problems when I got my own set of personal problems at home. Tryin to solve others problems at work all day leaves me in a place where I can’t focus on what I need to do for me and my life when I get home. I just [censored] down.
I went nuts on my daughter tonight. I come home every night and cook a nice meal, and often I have to cook 2 separate meals because she is soooooo picky and it’s ridiculous because we are 2 people. Tonight she first took butter that leaked onto one side of her plate and wiped it with a paper towel god forbid it touches her steak. Then she was going to eat steak and broccoli with her hands because she had to wash a fork! Then I cooked her broccoli the way she likes it and then mine the way I liked it and and it was a little softer than normal and she refused to eat it. I went nuts. I seriously can’t figure out if she has some sort of food disorder or she is just a princess and likes everything her way. I can’t keep up with pace anymore of having to cook things perfectly to her liking else she won’t eat it. Or cooking 2 meals because there are maybe a few basic things she will eat. Or I should just confirm to her and eat a hamburger, hot dog, pasta with butter ( god forbid it has red sauce) every night. The sad thing is I am a good cook, enjoy making new stuff, but when your kid is never happy with her meal, it’s depressing. I’m going to talk to her pediatrician in October because at 13 we need to do something about her food issues if it’s really some sort of problem. I’m too tired to keep up anymore.
Sorry. I come home to an empty house and have no one to talk about my day with anymore. So here it all is. And lately my days aren’t al that hot.
Oh, on a happy note, I should throw in something positive.... we have a patient with ADHD and is most likely somewhere on the spectrum pacing the halls today like a mile a minute. He is walking past my office and stops dead in his tracks and says “ wow, you are really beautiful” I thanked him very much.
Oh yeah, and I will finally say it. I’m not ugly. On the inside or the outside. I think I’m beautiful in both areas ( a little more on the inside maybe, where it counts )
. I did it all out of abandonment and fear. And it set the tone for pretty much my whole adulthood. And it’s in my face all the time.
I wish I could get out of here. Out of this state. Away from everything shoved in my face every day. I hope to get that chance one day.
so a trick I learned is that when triggered by your deepest pain, the only way to address it is to expand into it. get bigger, don't contract. does this make sense to you? this is here for you to conquer. I have zero doubt that you can do this, G. xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
1) You just need to start dating men that are worthy of you.
2) Your daughter may have a form of OCD. It can result in an eating disorder focused on whether something has the right texture or color, foods not touching, etc. She's old enough to learn to cook, maybe watching cooking shows together to get ideas and teaching her to cook could help her develop more of an appreciation for the joy of food. Also please never let her hear you discuss dieting or dissatisfaction with your weight.
I do really need to start to date men that are worthy of me. Ones who are secure enough to be able to handle a woman who treats them really good and appreciates it. The one who reciprocated instead of runs from it.
I’m definitely thinking she has some issue around food. I’ve broight it up multiple times to the pediatrician but she doesn’t see it as a problem because she does eat and she’s getting her nutrition and because she will eat chicken , steak, beef, veggies, and fruit, she’s fine. But cooked pretty much one way, to the perfect texture with only the seasoning she knows. And quite frankly it’s making me nuts. And it makes the people she eats with outside of the house nuts. If there is help for this, I want to get it. If it is truly a disorder I’ll just have to deal with and there is no help, then I’ll deal with it. But I need to see first if she is being a spoiled eater or she really has an issue.
And i signed her up for a cooking class a year and a half ago in the hopes she would like what she made because she made it. And the teacher made the kids try everything they made. It was an automatic “I don’t like it” with everything she tried. She never really even gives it a chance. I have offered her numerous times to go through my cookbooks, find something new and we could make it together. A whole lot of nope.
The only time I discuss my dieting or dissatisfaction with my weight is in the terms of health , and not physical appearance. I explain that I need to eat better or lose weight to get healthier. And she understands that. We discuss nutrition and health often, and balancing our treats with healthy snacks and not always eating when we aren’t truly hungry.
Bttrfly
I am often triggered by my deepest pain and I try to lean into it and grow from it. Some days it’s too much. And I can’t even deal. But I often do want to leave and not to totally escape. I make 6 figures and I’m poor here. I really have no family here that I couldn’t come back and visit. My dad loves an hour and a half away and we see each other once a month, maybe. My friends are wonderful, but I need a change. My friend needed a change, she moved to FL found herself a man, and is now getting married. Cost of living is very reasonable, she’s got a good job in a great hospital and visits Disney on her days off! She made a scary move but it certainly paid off for her and she is so happy.
But I can’t go anywhere. I’m stuck here until we figure out D’s college situation. She is the person I will never want to be too far from. But we got a good 5/6 years until then. So here I am, barely able to pay my bills on 6 figures. But it is what it is!!
No more complaining. I’m just down in a hole and being negative won’t get me out
She's old enough to learn to cook, maybe watching cooking shows together to get ideas and teaching her to cook could help her develop more of an appreciation for the joy of food.
The Great British Bakeoff is a lot of fun and I loved the positivity that the participants show. My daughter and I binge watched that and "Tidying Up" (apple doesn't fall far from the tree) the last time I was down for a visit.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Oh yeah, she loves baking shows. She will eat any baked good! Well, almost. We do watch chopped together. I mean, the kid plans her life around food. She just likes what she likes the way she likes it. Just like her father. Ugh.
I feel your pain Ginger. My kids are extremely picky eaters. My D, at least, will try things but my son refuses 95% of the time. It is beyond frustrating to cook the same four meals over and over again but I refuse to make it a battle of wills. My nephew from my first marriage would regularly get into stand offs with his parents at family dinners because he only wanted noodles and butter. Lots of tears and threats and hard feelings and it didn’t change his tastes, just made the rest of us miserable. I told myself if I ever got a kid like that, I wouldn’t make it my hill to die on. Jinxed myself, I think. When my nephew was 18, he told me it wasn’t the taste that bothered him but it was more about the texture. Even at that stage, there were foods that he still would not eat because the texture made him nauseous.
Btw... I cannot believe you live somewhere that is too expensive to make ends meet with a six figure salary. Are you sure there is no way to move? You should not have to get a second job. That’s crazy.
Btw... I cannot believe you live somewhere that is too expensive to make ends meet with a six figure salary. Are you sure there is no way to move? You should not have to get a second job. That’s crazy.
When I read that comment Ginger I got the same reaction that DejaVu has. I know cost of living might be higher where you are but I'm positive that if you can't make ends meet for two of you on a six figure salary PLUS CHILD SUPPORT there has to be a money management problem going on here. Too much debt or dept payments? Again, I don't know your situation but I'm nearly positive a good money manager could sit down with you and get you back on track. I mean even if you have a house payment of $2K that's still 1/4 of your income. Yes, nearly 1/3 is likely going to taxes (all inclusive) but that still should leave at least $40,000 to live on. That's still over three grand a month exclusive of taxes and housing. Many families of four are making it go on less than a six figure combined income.
It's likely not something we can flush out here online but I'd strongly suggest you look for a good financial planner or money management type person. They can often be hired for under a grand and should almost certainly be able to put you on a budget that gets you back on your feet. They can spot things you'd never think of. Of course you have to be willing to make the changes and sometimes the sacrifices - taking lunch to work rather than buying it, no Starbucks, basic cable and a lower cell phone plan, etc. Sometimes changing insurance companies for home and auto help. Getting debt free other than house and auto. Zero credit card debt should be first on the list. And that list really can be quite long. A fresh set of eyes on your budget is needed.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Mr Money Mustache's website is great for that too. You can post a "case study" in the forums and people will have all kinds of ideas for where you can save money. It's inspiring.
Although, Don, where she lives the taxes alone on her house might be $1500-$2,000 a month. Property taxes are pretty high in that part of the country.
This is a really frustrating topic that older generations and maybe people from other regions do not understand. Our salaries are on par with other areas yet the housing costs and taxes and overall cost of living are really high. Taxes can be on average 14 to 20 grand a year and new tax laws have made it more difficult. Starting homes with ton of necessary repairs are half a million dollars. If you can find that you are considered lucky. Most of the guys I work with (all have doctorates) live with their parents till they get married and then struggle as a couple with each person working 2 jobs.
It is a completely different lifestyle. I get gingers pain.
It’s definitely not money management issues. My taxes are indeed astronomical , my house price for the dumpy little house I have is astronomical, and figure in house expenses, the freakin water bill alone, a mortgage which is most likely twice what it would be in the Midwest, a student loan which I needed to get my JUST 6 figure job..... and not to mention a 12k surgery I wasn’t prepared for people are ru Ning out of this area because it is ridiculous. There needs to be an at least 150k household income. It’s pretty sad. You rarely find a household with a stay at home parent u less one parent is making 200k. It’s awful. And child support? Not even &350 a month. I am the higher earner.
I am bound to this state because of my daughter and divorce agreement. I could be very prosperous in another state because the income for my profession does not vary to heavily across the country.
I am hurting and it’s not because of poor money management. Unless I lived on ramen noodles and nothing extra at all, well, maybe I would be getting by a little better.
It stinks. Another I better just do what I have to do like get a second job, because my sitch isn’t changing anytime soon.
We cross posted juju. And I know you get it. Your area is worse than mine. And yes, I do not have a turnkey home. It needs work. Living with my parents was also never an option for me, forever. So I never got that chance to save anything. Well, I did love my ex and his dad for a year and a half and worked while going to nursing school, and even though I paid some bills there, I was able to save. That money went into our townhome which we shortsold when we got a divorce. And we bought at the height of the market (2004) and put it in the market in 2008, when everything crashed. I had money from a settlement I had from my mothers wrongful death which also went into that downpayment and was lost.
And braces are coming !!!!
Again. It all kind of stinks, but it is my situation and I have to work with it. I could cry about how unfair it is, but nothing is going to change any time soon.
So I shall work my butt off! I really hope one day it all comes back around to me.
..... oh, and I take lunch almost every day. Usually leftovers from dinner. I make enough to take with me. I actually stopped eating breakfast, and if I do, I make something. I cut the amount of take out coffee in half ( not Starbucks, just cheap coffee) I have basic cable and will probably drop that all together. I do eat out once a week, but never expensive. I guess I am saving money I’m single because I don’t go out anymore and I would pick up every other bill at least. I don’t really vacation which stinks. I get a pedicure every 3 weeks for $26 and I stopped my nails along time ago because it isn’t in the budget. I don’t even have a gym membership now which is important to me.
I’m living house poor. I’m being smart. I love to shop, that stopped ( I am cheap though, It was never a lot)
There was an 85 year old single patient hitting on the nurses who has money. I was going to go talk to him:)
I am truly shocked! Talk about government totally out of control! It would appear that what you pay in property tax in a month is what I pay in 6 months. I can assure you that my quality of living is not 15% of yours. I have a three bedroom, two bath, with a sun room and huge deck, approximately 2,500 sq ft home on just about an acre of property. I could never continue my "semi-retirement" paying $20,000 in property tax alone. Even lake property here rarely rises to half of that. This is truly government out of control but that's also pretty much out of your control. While I'm still sure some savings could be found, it would not be to the level to offset half of my original estimate. The unforeseen "elective" surgery, that really wasn't all that elective, clearly didn't help. Student debt might be an area to look at as it's clearly not helping you this far into your career but it's also likely at a decent rate so I get it.
You could live anywhere in my state very easily for under $5K in property tax. If not for your D decree I'd strongly suggest moving. Yes it may be hard on G for a little while but all sorts of kids do it every day and they come out the otherside just fine. But if you can't due to seeing her dad and that settlement/agreement, again, not a lot can be done.
I'd still strongly suggest you have someone look at things - another set of eyes can nearly always find something - or try the website KML suggested. It could at least soften things a little bit. Sadly, my confidence in finding enough to offset just the taxes are no longer there. I don't want to turn this into a political debate but man oh man, there is clearly something wrong when taxes get to such a level as to keep people from the pursuit of happiness. There is simply not enough government services known to man to warrant that type of a levy and twice the national average. Get out as soon as you can.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Again. It all kind of stinks, but it is my situation and I have to work with it. I could cry about how unfair it is, but nothing is going to change any time soon.
Again, another great attitude Ginger! I'd clearly be crying about how unfair it is - because, well it is!!!!!
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I think he would object at this point. It’s very easy for him and wouldn’t want to lose his daughter when it’s easy.
However, my daughter would feel the loss of her father and probably never forgive me for taking me away from her father and her friends. You can’t put a price on that.
If I could be a 100% honest here, even if sounds bad.....
This R was also a loss to me because I thought perhaps living together was in the future. Mostly because I did love him and wanted to be a family..... but having one household with 2 incomes would ease financial burden. I know it sounds awful, but I wouldn’t have made any stupid decisions for that reason....... but yeah, maybe it’s another reason I really wanted it to work. I made 20k more than him, but just one mortgage and 2 incomes would have been sub a relief Or that aside from really wanting the emotional part of an R because that’s how I am. The thought of having that and having the financial burden lessened is just a win -win
I hear you Ginger. B made essentially minimum wage but those extra marginal dollars if she had managed to get her act together would have made a heck of a difference here. According to my math the incremental cost of her living here was roughly $400 / month. If she were able to contribute more than that, it would have been a net win. I won't bother going into details, but she never got her act together.
One huge part of being in a R that I think we both miss is that whole "safety net" - knowing that someone is there, that if we stumble emotionally or yes - financially - that there's a buffer to help us get back up on our feet is huge. Unlike you, I had that for most of my life.
You know you can do this. I know you can do this. We all know that you took a huge risk with your eyes wide open on buying that house on your own knowing you had to do it on your own. But yeah - it's tough. The world sadly does seem to be biased against single people.
((Ginger))
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
nope doesn't sound bad. you wanted a partner G and all that went with it. nothing wrong with that. you were led to believe thats what he also wanted. bean town is painfully expensive. I have a lot of stress around making ends meet also, which is one reason why I live 45 minutes to an hour away from the city, on a good traffic day. for what it cost to build my house I could buy a 678 sq ft condo in the town I lived in for 18 years, but I'd have to add another $35k to the asking price and it would be in the worst part of town.
I do not make six figures but I make a decent amount and I stretch it as far as I can. no vacations here either, for the foreseeable future.
you're not alone, if that helps. people who don't live on the east or west coasts (thinking metro Boston, nyc, San Fran/bsy area/ or LA) just ain't gonna get it. it's unfathomable. just for kicks go on either realtor.com or Zillow and comparison shop. you'd be shocked.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thank you for understanding. I never had partnership. It’s been all on my own and wanted all that came with it. And I really thought it was going to happen.
The fact that I do have a very good career that I have worked hard for and am in this position hurts. I’ve been responsible and have done all the right things. I consider myself successful yet I feel like a failure.
And if you remember, I got forced out of my rental and had no choice but to buy. I live in a town where there really is t any rentals, except for one apartment complex which has turned to poop. ( I grew up there and also loved back after my divorce) I was getting kicked out of my home and I had no where to go. I really had no choice here and had to make a decision in a small time frame before legal action was taken ( my rental was purchased from owner)
It’s been a heck of a 2 years. And my R with M, may it have not been perfect, was my light at the end of the tunnel.
I am a pressure cooker and the lid is about to burst!
My dad and I. What a dynamic. I know he loves me dearly as I love him dearly, but as he gets older he gets more difficult. His wife agrees. He always wants me to ask for help, however, that help comes with guilt and me not being able to have any opinions at all. I just need to shut up . And if I disagree with something he says “I am telling at him and he plays victim and tells me how he is trying to help and I never listen..... blah blah blah” it’s gaslighting at its finest.
He bought me bedroom furniture. I had to get the old stuff out. He wanted to hire this company that he hired for me once before which did a shoddy job and was expensive. But he gets all amped up and says it has to be done this way and done now. So he hires the company to come this morning with 2 guys to take my stuff out and it should be out in an hour. I told him I had to get to work, he said the company said it will be done in an hour. Well one guy shows up and says it’s going to take way more than 2 hours. The guy says his work order did not show this. I call my dad and of course he goes berserk. They leave, he’s screaming . And honestly, I’m kind of upset. While I know he’s trying to help I told him I don’t trust these people. But he just yells at me and tells me he will take care of it. So we got into it this morning because when I was trying to talk to him calmly, he started yelling at me telling him to stop yelling at him. Which I was not. He then goes off on the guilt trip and says “ I’m think about you more than my trip now) he’s goinf away in 2 weeks)
Someone else is coming tonight supposedly to get out my furniture. My house is in disarray, my daughter’s birthday is tomorrow and we have pep rally and a night out with her dad.
I’m trying so hard to keep it all together. But I need a break. I know my dad loves me, but I hate going to him because of the way he acts. He’s always been stubborn, and always right, but it’s getting worse.
On the eve of my daughter’s birthday I was reading about this couple who is suing because they did IVF and gave birth to an Asian baby. They aren’t Asian. It turns out they used my fertility clinic! The story is a little fishy....... it happened in 2013 and they decide to Sue now because they feel it was the reason they got divorced..... a lot of details are getting left out of the story. I texted my ex and told him about it. He assured me our daughter was definitely ours.
I had brought up M tonight ( using him as an example in relation to guys doing yoga). D asked me if I still text him. And I told her no. She said the worst party about this breakup is his son because he loved me so much and he must be so sad I’m gone. I said I will always love and miss him, but he will move on easy.
Took me all my might to hide my tears. It’s painful. I was putting together a pic college for D’s birthday going through my pictures and I came up with the meme he sent me when we were dating for about a month. “I can’t think of many things more attractive than a beautiful person who’s beauty isn’t actually what attracts you” and he said “this is how I feel about you.” I don’t know why, but I feel our story is unfinished. I don’t know what the ending is, but it’s not over. I’ve known it was over with everyone else. But there is a piece missing here.
In other news, the furniture is out of my house, I got a shot in my hip today. Tomorrow is Friday the 13th, it’s a rare harvest moon and my baby is turning 12 . The 2 worst days in healthcare. Friday the 13th and a full moon. We get a 2 for one deal tomorrow! I have to get out on time because we are busy. And after pep rally is date night with my daughter and ex husband. At our historical date spot. Yay! Ha! It’s all about my baby’s birthday and she loves the day she gets her mom and dad together for fun.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
happy birthday to your precious girl!! may your work day be uneventful and may your plans be drama free and happy for little G's sake xoxoxo and your peace of mind.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Happy birthday to little G. Hope she (and you) have a fantastic day of celebration.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
D now officially 12 thanks you for all the birthday wishes! She’s looking like such a teen, I can’t take it! She had a great day, her friends decorated her locker and she got presents from her friends.
She had her pep rally and practice drop off was at 5:45 and the pep rally started at 7, so her friends mom called me ( the one diagnosed with breast CA and asked if I wanted to do happy hour at the Italian restaurant across the street from the field. Of course I was in! We had a few drinks and talked and had a good time. She was given the choice between mastectomy and chemo or chemo and no mastectomy. She decided to take mastectomy. Tough choices to be met with. Then she was telling me how crazy it is everytime we are all together at a game, my ex just wants to talk to me and ignores his wife. Which is actually kind of true.
Ex and OWW came to pep rally and they both came back to my house so D could open their presents. She left and we went out to Dave and busters and had lots of fun. Who doesn’t have fun at Dave and busters. I think the funniest part was when he made fun of his wife’s teeth. My friends and I have been doing it behind her back forever ( she has a huge gap on her bottom front two teeth) he actually made fun of it. Kind of messed up. D12 played a bunch of games and was fun but tired and was ready to leave at 11:30pm.
So my baby is one year away from being a teenager. Lord help me now! I’m glad she’s still kind of a momma’s girl. I’ll enjoy it for as long as I can.
Yes. I missed M a lot. I was just beginning to think of him and his son as family. So not having this family I miss so much around for D12 stinks. She is virtually unaffected by it which I find interesting. She hurts for his son but not for herself.
I maybe need to go back to remembering all the ways I was feeling devalued rather than what I missed and loved. There is still an empty spot he once occupied. In my heart and I’m our lives . I wish I didn’t feel this way, but I do.
Oh well. Tomorrow I get my new furniture and mattress, the guy is coming to get the shed and there is a game tomorrow night. My ex has a concert, but his wife and mother are attending so guess who I get to hang out with?!
Ok, did I understand what I read correctly?!?!?! Your XH made fun of his current wife in front of you (and presumably your daughter)? If I’m reading that correctly, that’s horrible!!!!!! I don’t expect you to feel anything positive toward her, given the circumstances, so I’m not necessarily trying to defend her or anything, but if he’s the type of man who makes fun of his wife behind her back, you dodged a whole armory full of bullets in getting shed of that jack a$$. I mean really, who does that?!?!?!?!?
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
You read it correct. He is an awful man. I am ashamed.
I didn’t dodge any bullets. I got hit directly with them and now I deal with the scars and residual injuries. I eventually got out of the line of fire. I guess her karma is him.
I have never been loved , cherished, or protected by a man. I though M might be the one doing that, but that was a false alarm. He was very careless with my heart too.
My aunt is in my hospital on my unit . She’s a frequent flyer for chest pain, as she is a heavy smoker and a diabetic with heart problems. My cousin called me and told me what’s going on sort of and I told her to just have the nurse call me. Turns out my aunt has pretty bad congestive heart failure requiring hi flow o2. I’m going to go visit before D12’s game. And she will be my patient on Monday. Anything happens to my aunt, my cousin will go off the deep end. But she just turned 70 and she is just so unhealthy. I’m concerned, a high flow o2 requirement is some pretty heavy stuff.
I thought the same thing as Dawn. You couldn’t ask for better Karma for an other woman that went after a pregnant woman’s husband. Seriously. What makes this so great is that other woman is still with him. Like does it get worse then a spouse that makes fun of your looks, is open to cheating and makes you wait in the car while he played with his ex”s dog?
The only frustrating thing is, these guys (and gals) always seem to find partners that put up with them. Like why the h@ll is it so easy for them? Maybe the karma is, that your ex husband is just a gross human being and has to live being himself and doesn’t have the self awareness to see that.
M. Was careless and selfish. No doubt. But I think you dodged some very similar bullets. You really did and it not working out was a gift because now you are available for when a good person enters your life.
Last edited by job; 09/14/1910:06 PM. Reason: edited language
Sounds like the devalue stage is going strong. I assume that she just takes it? It's undoubtedly going to get worse before it gets better.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I never thought about it as a devalue stage but I know exactly what your referring to Andrew because my ex put me through it for a bunch of years - each year getting worse and worse. I can’t believe I put up with it, but it slowly creeps up on you.
How do we recognize it and protect ourselves from it in the future in case it happens again? I’m scared I will be just as stupid this time around. But hopefully not
Visited my aunt. Unfortunately when she is in the hospital, she sundowns and she wa going a little wacky when I was there. I’m hoping she stays calm tonight and doesn’t get too out of control. But she’s kind of sick. At least I know she’s got the really good nurses caring for her. She becomes my patient on Monday so I will really be able to look into the chart.
Oh the devalue stage. I hate to say it, but it isn’t a stage. He devalues from beginning to end. This is going to be her life for as long as they are together. She puts up with it.
A good portion of people come to this board and say how their spouse changed and they used to be loving and caring and things were great. My ex is exactly as advertised since day 1. I was just in a bad place and felt I deserved it.
I do believe I dodged bullets with M. I’m the similarity with my ex where M just takes and is self centered. He devalued me in a different way. More in a P/A kind of way. I just wasn’t important to him. He could take or leave me I guess and he showed his true colors when I had needs. And he really was very careless with my heart. And my daughter’s, and his sons. I hope I opened the door for something better. I hope I still have a chance to be with someone who does appreciate and value me. I’m really missing having someone around. Someone to do the fun fall stuff with. Having a date. Last fall was awesome. I hope to find someone I can have fun and do stuff with. But I’m not looking, so not likely.
I got my new bedroom set today and mattress. The set is beautiful. I’m trying to make my bedroom a happy place. D went to her friends for a sleepover after her game. I hope I get sleep tonight, I’ve been couch surfing and the dog won’t let me sleep. My new mattress should be nice.
Sigh. I’m such a downer lately I a make myself miserable. I gotta get out of this and see positives. But I feel just hopeless lately. I think it’s everything combined with the money issues. It’s got to get better.
Posting here as to the urge to text M is the strongest it’s ever been since we broke up. I very badly wants to ask him how his son is,how he is, etc. but I have to remember he couldn’t give 2 craps about us. This is tough.ive never exhibited this much control before .but I’m becoming weak today. We hadD 12’s b day dinner tonight and I was so sure that M and S would be there. It’s been a month today.
No contact is the best advice. We know that. It’s like sugar or carbs or drugs. You gotta get through each day and avoid him like he’s an addictive substance or your not gonna get over him.
I understand feeling bad about a kid. But I read somewhere that children do have to experience losing people in their lives. It’s part of life and we try so hard to protect them - but loss is natural. They go through new teachers and new friends and different coaches each year and they are fine.
Just give yourself things to do when the urge comes up to call. Cleannor call a friend or exercise. You can do this!
I stayed strong. I didn’t do it. I hopefully never will. He doesn’t deserve my caring. His son does, his mom does, he doesn’t. And it’s obvious he doesn’t care about us.
Today was such a draining day. Everything that could go wrong with trying to get my patient home did. I’ve been working my butt of on this case for a week. They didn’t go. My aunt had a cardiac cath and she needs bypass surgery. She will get transferred to a sister hospital this week for it. Unfortunately she is super duper high risk and I’m afraid of how she will come through this. She is serious multi vessel disease and so many other problems that make her high risk. My cousin is freaking out.
Then my dad. Again. They came yesterday to take my D out to dinner for her birthday. I thought everything was fine..... well, I get a text admits my crazy day from my dad that we need to talk. And I ask “what about?” Apparently him and his wife are deeply hurt because my daughter wasn’t jumping all over the place excited to see them, she was being a typical -2 year old and didn’t feel like talking about school. She didn’t want to have conversations and she “barely said goodbye” which wasn’t true. I had to run out when they got here and apparently she walked out of the room mid convo or something? So I tell my dad to feel free to address her. He says he did and it was to no avail. They do “everything “ for her and they are hurt and disrespected and want my support.
I’m seriously like WTF at this point. He is so dramatic all of the time. My daughter can be a snobby preteen, you call her when she’s disrespecting and you move on. But they are SO hurt. By a 12 year old who’s just not 6 anymore and all about their visit.
This fuels my fire a little about a lot of unsaid things to my father. They do not do everything for her. They come by maybe once a month. They aren’t “here” they don’t know what her daily life is like, what mine is with her.... nothing. They stop. Y every now and then, but her something and take her out to dinner. They got mad when she didn’t call them up when she was at her dads on “grandparents day” what am I supposed to do? I don’t want to hear it. I’m over here raising her solo for the past 13 years. If they are so concerned they could be more of a presence. Every day I teeter on the verge of a nervous breakdown and now this? I don’t need this. My kid is a good kid, she gets corrected when she’s being disrespectful and sassy and that’s that.
Some of this stuff I just can’t make up. He doesn’t get it, won’t acknowlege what I’m going through just trying to get through each day and doing this solo.
I’m shot. I almost cried at work today and my coworker had me go take a 5 minute breather. I didn’t even get to eat lunch today. Having someone there I miss, because coming home and having no one asking you how your day is or talking about it is lonely when you go through really tough times. Then again, the guy I had broke up with me when I tried to talk about them.
I’m just alone. Alone and tired and on the edge. But even there, I won’t do anything like texted M.
1) Yeah, your dad is inappropriate. It's one thing to say "hey, she was kinda snotty, you might want to work on that some more". It's another thing to have expectations that it will be ALL ABOUT THEM instead of the granddaughter. I'm sorry that you're stuck in a position where you need to maintain peace with him for financial and other reasons. But I'm gonna validate that this wasn't ideal parent/grandparent behavior. I'm not sure what your father's deficiency is (is he a narcissist? OCPD? Just super controlling? Early dementia?). Just be aware that he has some serious limitations and don't expect too much from him. It just sets you up for disappointment.
2) As for M, DON'T YOU DARE CONTACT HIM and give him the SATISFACTION of thinking you're pining for him. Turn your energies towards creating a more fulfilling social life so that you're ok with or without a man and more ready to meet the RIGHT one.
3) I'm so sorry about your aunt. I hope she comes through her surgery well.
Thank you for validating me. It’s such strange behavior. Like, ok, my kid is a little snobby at times and it’s rolling out the red carpet for anymore. It’s just weird. It’s not about a 12 year old trying to hurt them. He should know that. And not a position I want to be in. I would say he's OCPD. And he always has to be right. And everything is guilt ridden with him. And he gaslights when it comes to the money. He makes me think I’m crazy sometimes. I love him, he raised me, bit he’s just too much these days.
I feel horribly alone in this world. Raising a daughter alone from birth with no one to lean on, no mother figure, no husband is hard. You pretty much doubt yourself all the time, you have no one to tell you are doing a good job or give support. It’s a very lonely existence within that.
I absolutely do not want to give M the satisfaction of thinking I’m lining over him. I really was too good for him. He should be lining for me.
Saw a great meme on FB today “stop expecting YOU from people. So much truth
And he always has to be right. And everything is guilt ridden with him.
Ginger,
Many years ago, when I worked at the university, I had a work-study student that worked for me. I knew her older sister before I'd ever met her. I remember the day she came to my office looking for a job. She was a chubby cheeked, tangle haired 17 year old. I hired her. She seemed so sweet, innocent and unsuspecting that I felt protective of her. I was afraid university life would eat her alive.
One day she said to me, "You always tell me I'm wrong." My response was, "No I don't!" It took me a few seconds to realize what I'd said, and then both of us broke out in belly laughter.
She was right. In my effort to be protective, I wasn't respecting her judgement. She was smart and resourceful and I should've known and acknowledged that. I had to change my ways. I'm happy to say that we're still friends today.
The point is, I'm sure your dad is not trying to be malicious, he's just trying to be a dad, but he doesn't realize that sometimes all he needs to do is listen.
Some of it sounds a bit generational... like the discipline techniques are totally different. A lot of that generation just doesn’t get it. They have a more authoritarian/1950s view of life and just can’t empathize with the realities of the new world.
Now I understand, that no one wants to raise a snow flake - but i think that generation jumps on that idea that we are raising snowflakes and rebels against it with a really insensitive approach. I don’t think it’s even possible to get through to many of them. They just can’t see past what’s been instilled in them and they don’t want to either because then they would have to face guilt, and demons.
You are a great mom. Your daughter is super lucky to have you. And you are super lucky to have such a great kid. I do wish that you were able to receive more support and help from your family and I would be really frustrated too because I would have expected more help and support after all you went through. When I read your foo, I am just so impressed with how healthy and successful of an individual and parent you are. You survived a lot and continue to grow. And you just remained a really good person.
Hi sweetie. I can feel your struggle all the way over here. I am sorry for it. I know you know that you will get through it, but, when we are in the thick of it, we cant always feel that.
I think you are trying to deal with so many emotions right now and have a demanding job and a young lady entering the tougher years and it is a lot.
So maybe you can break it down some and try to find ways to manage some of it. Your feelings about the end of your relationship are normal. You are trying to rush thru them and it doesnt work that way. Because if you do, they come back around to bite you. So cry if you need to, get angry if you need to...try to work thru those feelings in what ever way works for you...exercise, hitting something...cleaning, screaming..whatever. Eventually, they will subside.
I dont think you need to figure out why it didnt work out or if there is something wrong with you...(there isnt) right now. Just feel what you feel til they wash over you. All that other stuff up in your head will get sorted out when they need to be.
Try to figure out ways to simplify your life some. Put things that arent absolutely necessary to get done on the back burner for now. Do only what you have to while you are in this state.
As far as your father goes, I am of the mind that people are who they are and we cant change them. The only thing we can change is our reaction to them. I dont think there is anything wrong with you telling your father your feelings. They are yours and they are valid. You just cant have much expectations about his reaction.
I do think we teach people how to treat us. And I think you being a people pleaser and the feelings you have about him helping you out are all tangled up in your head.
I think you know your father loves you. That doesnt give him the right to say the things he does, but, it is important that you really believe that. I think you do need to let some of it, while hurtful, roll off your back right now. As I said, he is who he is. But you know your truth and that is what matters.
If you must respond, a simple I am sorry you feel that way. Little G loves you both. And then move along.
Perhaps when you are in a better place mentally, you can tell him all the things you are bottling up inside. Again, that is for you...he probably wont hear you.
So, go easy on yourself, my friend. You are doing wonderfully. <3
I'm so sorry you are having such a rough go lately. Good for you for NOT texting M. You absolutely do not want him to think you are sitting around pining for him because you are definitely not. I know it takes a while to get over someone, especially when you love as hard and as loyally as you do, but you need to cut yourself some slack. The problem was NOT with you, but with M. I pray, at some point in the near future, you will be able to look back at some of your own posts more objectively and see that you were becoming unhappy in your relationship because M really wasn't meeting your needs. He'd pull farther and farther back and you would debate about whether to say anything and then you would rationalize why or why not. I think a lot of us saw it, but you didn't because you were in too deep and you were making excuses for him. You deserved so much more then and you still do, so don't sell yourself short. As I have told you before, it is ok to wallow in it for a bit, but don't unpack and live there. When you are ready, get up, dust yourself off and ride on with your head held high.
As far as your dad, I know you are in a tough spot. You know he loves you and your daughter, but he can be difficult and unrelenting in his opinions. Just try to take a breath and realize that you have done and are continuing to do a fantastic job with your daughter. She has many positive qualities that are directly a result of how you have raised her. And, the negative qualities that ALL children have....well, those are called "teenager". LOL Seriously, G, your daughter is beautiful, strong, smart, seems to be pretty level-headed and those are ALL qualities that can be directly attributed to YOUR influence. She has a fantastic role model in you. She's very lucky.
It is really easy, especially when you are going through a tough time, to see all the negative aspects and to compare those negative aspects to other peoples' positive aspects, but you really do have a lot going for you. Some day, you will find a man who is worthy of all that you are and have to offer. Until then, hang in there and keep posting here or doing whatever you have to do to stay distanced from M. He is so not worth your time and energy.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Wow. I am humbled by your understanding and responses. It is indeed a very tough time for me. There is so much happening at once that I am spinning. And I feel so freakin’ alone. I’ve got you guys, my have supportive friends, but not a real partner. No family. It’s scary sometimes. My coworkers luckily are supportive too. We are like a family at work.
My dad:
I know he loves me. He’s all I ever had. I never expressed anything because I’m scared to lose him. I do wish he would just listen sometimes. But that is something he doesn’t know how to do, just listen. He invalidates my feelings all the time. If a guy screws me over, I’m not supposed to be sad. I’m supposed to “know” he was awful and just move past it and not feel anything. When my ex left I moved in with him for 2 and a half months, from the night he dropped the bomb. But there was so much friction. He just felt I should hate him and move on. He had me sitting in a lawyers office 4 days after he left and dropped the bomb and all I did was cry. I had to go back home because I couldn’t take being told how to feel. I was supposed to get over M in a day because he “knew he wasn’t being a good partner” if I express a feeling, I was told what I did wrong to get myself in that position. And he doesn’t do it to be mean. I think he does it because he hates his daughter hurts and it’s easier for him if I don’t hurt. He gets mad when I don’t share anything with him, but when I do I get hell. I’m supposed to tell him if I need money and on the very rare occasion I do, I get a lecture and he guilts me that he has his own stuff to pay for. So I shut up. Because I can’t win. I love him dearly, and I hope one day I can talk to him openly without it him guilting me. I know he’s always worried about me, and my one hope is that he doesn’t have to. I wish for his sake I can say I am happy, in love, and financially stable for his peace of mind. I wanted this thing to work out with M for his sake too. Yeah, I can make it on my own, but not without struggle. I also know he won’t change. So I guess I just kind of gave up. Keep it on a need to know basis. Don’t express emotions unless I’m totally happy.
M- yes, I am trying to rush through everything because it’s painful. I want the pain gone. And I wasn’t happy and I know it. I tried to convince myself I was, but when I posted my dissatisfaction, I knew what was happening wasn’t right. I have luckily stopped figuring out what went wrong. I think what I wanted most was for him to tell me it was him. Not say something was missing between us. I would believe it was him. I don’t want to feel like everything was fake, his love for me was a lie and that I wasn’t enough for him. I could probably be at ease knowing he could tell me it was something within him. I know it wasn’t me, or something lacking in me, but I needed to hear it. My ego maybe? My wish is not for him to come back to me. It’s for him to say he’s sorry, he loved me as much as he claimed, he wanted me as a part of his life, but he can’t handle it . But I need to get over that desire. And he doesn’t deserve for me to pine over him. Which is why I will never reach out when the urge is strong. He wasn’t a partner to me. He was very self centered and I don’t need that. It also hurts a lot that I gave so much and it was not appreciated. Even if it wasn’t returned it was like it was meaningless to him.
My aunt got transferred today for open heart surgery. It’s tomorrow morning. Everyone is scared. My uncle is even flying across the country. I said I would be here for anything they need. My mother was one of 4, and the two youngest died, and the two oldest are left.
Work. I got my patient out! Yay! It was a lot of work on this past week. They thanked me very much. Today my boss called me and said the hospital is starting a discharge planning task force. One RN case manager will represent and one social worker. My boss chose me as an RN case manager. Sadly, the first thing that went through my mind was “I bet no one else wanted to do it, that’s why they asked me” I’m the newest one. By far. So I was shocked. I’m thinking the others are done with the stuff like this. I should be feeling honored that I was chosen. I shouldn’t be so negative. Either way, it will be excellent for my resume and I plan to go for my certification in case management when I am eligible. At work today we had a lunch CEU with an elder care lawyer. Then one tonight a retirement community with an elder care lawyer. 2 catered meals and wine! Winner!
My FOO. Thank you juju. I honestly don’t know how I made it here. Some days o feel like a complete failure, others, like a complete success who beat the odds. I think I am minimally F’ed up considering the circumstances. I struggle every day of my life. But I accomplished a lot. I did it all completely on my own. I raised a child as a solo mom and I’m a child who never had a “normal “ mom to model. I messed up a lot, but all in all, pretty good. When I tell people about my child hood and young adulthood, people have literally asked me how I am so well adjusted. I seriously don’t even know. I made a really bad decision in my ex, but the outcome was a beautiful daughter.
I do pray a guy comes in my life who is everything i ever wanted. I still want my happy ending. I know I can stand on my own, but I desire to stand by someone. Someone who doesn’t take me for granted. So I guess now I am open to that.
Sigh. Thanks again for all your support. I’ve been crying myself to bed every night and then waking up just staring at the ceiling feeling so alone. But I know I’ve Got some great support
The weather today was perfect so after work, D12, the dog and I went to the park and took a nice brisk walk. There is a little dog park there and our dog had a ball with another dog there . We came home and D12 made thebdinner she had chosen. I assisted and it came out great! She made select choir and that will be Tuesday and Thursday mornings which works because it’s on my way to work and I would pass by there at drop off time anyways. I’ll bring her BFF and her dad said he would drive them to school on the very cold days. We have a good thing going on with them and help each other out a lot. It was nice spending some quality time with D12 today, it’s been a while since we truly spent quality time together .
I forgot to say that D12 forged my signature on something a parent needed to sign. She freaked out because she was at her dads and would have been late with it if she waited to come back to my house. I said to her “ you know your dad can sign things, right?” It honestly didn’t occur to her. I’m the one who always does it. So I was forgiving and explained to her why that’s wrong and what he alternatives are.
I still haven’t spoken to my dad. He texted me and he didn’t apologize but I think he is sorry. I haven’t found the emotional energy to call him. I am just tapped.
My aunt had a triple bypass and so far so good and all went well, thank god.
I’ve been seeing all this cool stuff I want to do. Different breweries I want to try, different events. And I don’t have anyone to go with. I was thinking I would just go myself. M used to think women who went to a bar alone were desperate looking. I just happen to really like beer. Of course this stuff would be so much more fun with others, but when there is no one, why miss out? There are places I want to see and travel too. Of course money inhibits me, but even small trips. I can do them on my own.
Well, I am going to happy hour Friday with some ex coworkers I was close with. I can’t wait to see them again. It should be fun.
This is such a tough time of the year for me. Last year was full of hope and so excited because I met this great guy who had potential. For once I wasn’t feeling SEasonal affective disorder . I was having fun, dating who I thought was a great guy and having new experiences. I was also buying a house. This year, that guy is gone and I can barely afford my house.
Oh, and I miss his son a lot. And am unsettled by how he must feel, what he was told, etc. but, nothing I can do.
I decided to call my dad at work today. What a huge mistake. I was hoping we could just get past it all, but he let it rip. I won’t get into the details, but he basically made it as he saw her one day, didn’t like what he saw and thinks there is this huge problem that intervention. I was furious. I told him “you see her one day a month and on that day she is off and you get to determine that there is some big problem that has to be handed???” It’s utterly ridiculous. He has the right to say something when he spends more than one day a month with her. But she had an off day, didn’t feel like having a conversation, and didn’t jump off the couch when they walked in the door. I spend everyday with my daughter who has bad days and good days and gets corrected when she is wrong. She’s a great kid going through some changes and that’s it. It not an emergency here.
When he told me “we do everything for her” and expect more appreciation from her I almost went through the roof. He brought up the Christmas gift of 2015 when they got us a Disney trip. And the tome they took us to an indoor water park as another Christmas gift . I’m sorry, but being here more in her everyday life is being for her.
Everything gets held over everyone’s head with him. They don’t talk to a lot of my stepmothers family and he brought that up and says it’s because everyone takes him their kind generosity for granted. WTF??? I realize that they really alienated everyone else. I don’t think he realizes what he’s done with this. I don’t want to be around them. I want to avoid them. I am so sick of the drama and everything being about them. Where I am in my life, I just want to protect myself. And it’s sad, the only family member I have, I need to distance myself from
My coworker actually had to pretend a patient needed me because he would [censored] up and kept going. She said it loudly. I cried at work, but I cried with my safe people. They couldn’t believe it. They could hear him.
This on top of the a hole who screamed at me about eggs in front of a line of people. It was insane. And this was at my work. The owner of the cafe.
I am so sorry that your father acted like an @ss. I would have had to say "sorry dad, I am hanging up since you cannot speak to me in a civil manner" and then I would have hung up. What right does he have to go off on you like that? True, you are his daughter, but you are an adult and know your daughter best. When you give a gift to someone, you don't hold it over their head until they die for goodness sake. He should be proud of you and your daughter for you both have come such a long way. Ginger, I hate to say this, but your father has no right to lord it over you and your daughter. They aren't there every day or even weekly and do not know what goes on in your home. Do not call him again....he needs to settle down and when he sees you aren't running to him and begging for mercy, maybe he'll start to think about being a real dad and be there for his daughter and her child and not create such a mess that neither one wants to be around him or his wife.
As for the cafe incident...report him. No one has the right to yell at you or any other customer.
You are strong, but you don't have to take that verbal abuse from anyone. Got that! Don't take it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ginger - I empathize with your pain. The grief from close family can be just so staggering. I know from personal experience. I had to cut my mom out of my life because she was just too toxic. I didn't want her garbage to filter down to my children and I wanted to keep them away from her insanity. She's a classic textbook narcissist and I realized that for my mental well being, I needed to not just have her out of the life of my kids, but mine also. It was a tough decision but I am so happy that I made it. My life has improved for the better.
I am not saying that this is what you need to do, but just expressing that strong boundaries are needed sometimes. Look up Nicole Lepera and listen to some podcasts where she's been a guest recently. She talks about this, specifically with one's own family and her experience doing so.
I am sorry this is happening to you and it just truly $ucks.
Thanks. Really, I am not willing to tolerate this. I do need very firm boundaries . Problem is with my dad he sees “boundaries” as a restriction on speaking his mind, and he doesn’t like that.
I am very sad. I feel like I lost the only family I had. The only parent I had. The only one I had for my entire life. I just keep losing people. But this isn’t right and I’m not going to allow it just to keep them around. I definitely need a breather from him.
I think I am calling out sick tomorrow. I need a mental health day
Mental health days are SO important and highly underrated. I'm so sorry you are still dealing with all of this stuff, G. I won't say I know how you feel because I don't, but I will say I'm sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. Positive vibes are flowing your direction from way down south, so be patient as it may take them a few days to get to you.
You really are a strong, amazing person and I just know that, at some point, things will turn around for you. I'm sorry you keep losing people, but keep focusing on you and your D and your work family and your good friends. And, of course, those of us here who will gladly support you from afar as much as possible.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
The support and kind words means the world to me. This last month has just been awful. My dad thing has me really really upset. I just don’t know how strong I am anymore. I’m so incredibly tired. I want nothing from my dad anymore, his help in any way is held over my head. Gifts are held over my head, then he thinks he can tell me I have some problem with my kid that needs to be solved when he isn't present. It’s BS.
I wish I could go back in time a year. I was buying my house, I met this guy I thought was great and I felt like everything was falling together . Now I feel like they are falling apart.
I am doing something nice for myself tomorrow. What, I don’t know yet, but I’ll figure it out.
I went to back to school night. D12’s bff came over and I went with her mom.
My aunt had a seizure last night. They took off her sedation today and she’s only moving her legs but not following any commands yet. My cousin is a mess.
I’m other news I think I decided what I want to do for a second job. Another hospital in the system has 2 per diem positions open in the same position I’m in. No learning or training. It’s just farther which is fine on the weekends because there is no traffic. 3 weekend days a month requirement. I’m going to apply tomorrow. I’ll do this for a year and pay everything down.
Sweetie I'm trying to find a gentle way to say this, so if I screw up forgive me please who does your dad remind you of? when else have you felt this way, especially recently? do you get where I'm going with this, doll? this is the source. figure out a way to heal from this and you're good to go from there. I feel it in my bones.
xoxoxoxo
love you
{{{{{{{G}}}}}}}
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thanks. Really, I am not willing to tolerate this. I do need very firm boundaries . Problem is with my dad he sees “boundaries” as a restriction on speaking his mind, and he doesn’t like that.
The right to free speech, or speaking one's mind, comes with the responsibility for ensuring one's words are constructive, true and necessary - particularly when the person you're talking to isn't going to like hearing those words. Stated another way, "speaking my mind" is not a free pass to be an a*hole.
You are letting your father cross boundaries that are important to you. I suspect you're doing that because you know that sometimes parents will cross boundaries in an effort to express tough love, which (if that were true) kind of gives him some leeway. However,in this case I think your father is far more concerned with expressing his dominance or satisfying his ego.
Whenever your father tries to belittle your parenting or to accuse you of ingratitude, maybe it's time to step back and wonder what is in it for him - what he wants from you. If his incentive is to boost his own ego somehow, give yourself permission to dismiss all and anything he says. None of it will be useful for you.
My aunt had a massive stroke. They don’t think she’s going to wake up. My cousin I mention is so close to her mom. My other cousin, who is on the spectrum and has lived with them all her life ( she’s 43) is going to lose it. My cousins son is very close to his grandmother is 7 and isn’t going to understand. My uncle and her have been married forever. This so awful. The last one left of the 4 will be the oldest, the only brother.
I am so sorry to read about your Aunt. I will keep her, as well as you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I’m so sorry, G! Thoughts and prayers for your family.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I went to go visit my aunt. When I was there they were hooking up to a continuous eeg to monitor her brain activity. Her stole was actually a small stroke, but in a very important part of her brain. She wasn’t responding but having movements on her right side. Not purposeful. Within 10 min of being hooked up to the EEG the intensivst came in with some news. She said with the stroke she had she should have been responding and her and the neurologist thought something else was up so they hooked up. It turns out she was in status epilepticus which pretty much a continuous seizure. But this was good news of sorts. She probably was responding because she was seizing . So they decided to put her in a medically induced coma to give her brain a rest. Within a few minutes of the sedation her seizures stopped. They are going to keep her in a coma for 24 hours and see where she is at. They are hoping her non responsiveness is due to the seizures and not the stroke. They have hope she will wake up. They won’t know yet. She doesn’t have movement on her left side though. When she seizes her left side doesn’t move. I’m hoping and praying she wakes up. My cousin, her husband, her dad, my aunts long time best friend and her daughter were all there begging her to wake up. It is heart breaking. My cousin is such a wreck. But they made her go home for the night since she will be in a coma anyways. We will see what tomorrow brings.
I did end up meeting my friends I haven’t seen in a long time for drinks. It was really nice to catch up with them. I miss them. Me and one of them worked together for 4 years and we’re really close. I miss working with her.
Do I wish I had M by my side? Yeah. But it wasn’t the kind of person he was. I stood by him through everything but he wasn’t capable of doing the same for me. I’ve got my friends and I’ve got my health. I’m thankful for that. Life is short. I try not to take any of it for granted.
D12 has a new job at school. Every Friday she will stay after school and help the science teacher take care of the school goats. Yes, her school has goats. Apparently they eat the poison ivy. She is joining the gardening club too. She loves that stuff. I’m happy she is staying involved. It’s good for her. She’s a good kid. I’ll go see her at her game tomorrow night. It’s home coming she asked if I could come .
I keep telling myself everything is going to be ok and my luck will turn around soon. I’ve got to believe it.
As for goats - when I was in Quebec City, the changing of the guard at the Citadel includes a goat. And a guy whose job is "goat master" or some such. You should look for video on YouTube - your daughter would dig it.
Last edited by job; 09/22/1901:53 PM. Reason: added link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
