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A Message from Michele
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Re: The last straw [Re: Zip] #2864625
09/09/19 01:45 AM
09/09/19 01:45 AM
Joined: Sep 2019
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Zip Offline OP
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Went out of town Friday evening without any communication outside if texts from her wishing me H-Bday and wanted to know when I was leaving. She did call late afternoon and I let it go to vm which she didnít leave one. No contact Saturday until I got home in the eve. No more than a couple words about how the dog was doing. No other conversation. I had to start the convo. Not her. She is apparently mad and I am as well. Thinking how I have bee used for years just to protect D1 and D2. Communication has come to a temporary halt.

I understand how in the past I have been accused of talking too much. Got good advice to leave her alone and stop talking. I agree My monologues havenít gotten me anywhere. The new me is finding this hard but working on it. Itís very different due to her usually keeping everything close to the vest and never verbalizing, and I express exactly what is on my mind and then some. Always a negative outcome. I am wondering if this is what I should be doing because the lack of communication seems counterintuitive and not a positive approach.

Still fighting emotions. Go s from wanting fix the R to being mad and ready to through in the towel. I know I donít want the D but quite certain paperwork is on the way. Being in limbo [censored]. I am trying to find patience But it is tough. Keeping convo to a minimum but the old me would be to push for answers, which resulted in a negative outcome. I feel there is nothing I can do. I am trying to stay busy and keep my mind off the sitch but really fighting it. Is this normal?

Zip


Me 58 W 58
T 36 yrs. M 32 yrs
D 27 D 23
BD 8/3/19
Waiting for filing from W
Re: The last straw [Re: Zip] #2864629
09/09/19 03:02 AM
09/09/19 03:02 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 669
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CWarrior Online
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Originally Posted by "Zip"
No more than a couple words about how the dog was doing. No other conversation. I had to start the convo. Not her.

Did you HAVE TO start the conversation?

Originally Posted by "Zip"
I understand how in the past I have been accused of talking too much. Got good advice to leave her alone and stop talking. I agree My monologues havenít gotten me anywhere. The new me is finding this hard but working on it.

Good work! Change is hard. If monologues are one of your trademarks, it's going to be a noticeable 180.

Originally Posted by "Zip"
She is apparently mad and I am as well.

Awareness is good. You're mad, and with good reason. Do have know coping strategies--e.g, exercise, meditation, and/or individual therapy? I find those help process anger, so we can act as per our values.

Originally Posted by "Zip"
I am wondering if this is what I should be doing because the lack of communication seems counterintuitive and not a positive approach.

I double-checked Sandi's 37 Rules. They do encourage the left behind partner to shush. They also encourage them to listen intently and validate all the walk away spouse has to say when they're ready to speak. I've found our communication has improved greatly since I've done a little more listening to my partner.

Last edited by CWarrior; 09/09/19 03:04 AM.

My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. She says she's committed to making it work, to try to return home, and to be an 'us' forever.
Re: The last straw [Re: CWarrior] #2864820
09/10/19 02:46 AM
09/10/19 02:46 AM
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Zip Offline OP
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cwarrrior....no I didn't meet to but walking through the room and heading up for the evening I thought I should say something and not be rude. Felt asking about the dog would be a simple response and it was. It was more to see if she would even acknowledge me. She did. Guess I shouldn't have said anything?

I am in IC since the last of May when she said she was done. I am finding it helpful but this whole process feels like slow motion. Don't get me .wrong in that I want it over, it's just sooo much in limbo. IC says lay low and react slowly. It's just the waiting to see what' going to happen. No paperwork....no conversations.....no nothing except knowing she wants out...I think. I am quite sure she is done and due to D1 planning a wedding at the farm has put her plans On hold. I'm not even sure of this. That's the issue....I know nothing regarding her plans. I do know I dont want to live this way for the next 10 months.

Looking into joining a gym close to work. The farm takes a lot of my time and I am reconsidering keeping the livestock and being finished with that part. This will give me more time for my GAL.

Conversing with the W Is a struggle. She doesn't open up. One of the main issues that has gotten us to this sitch. If I stay quiet, to will def be a 180 for me and who knows when she will speak?

Good news is she wanted to know where I would like to have my BDay dinner....need to decide but felt that was nice.

Guess I need to continue to chill.....

Zip


Me 58 W 58
T 36 yrs. M 32 yrs
D 27 D 23
BD 8/3/19
Waiting for filing from W
Re: The last straw [Re: Zip] #2864840
09/10/19 01:05 PM
09/10/19 01:05 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 5,772
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Steve85 Offline
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Zip, hang in there man. I know what you are going through, been through it myself. Continuing to chill is the best thing that you can do. Also, start living a life of honesty and integrity in all your dealings. This is a new self-discovery I have moved to the top of my priority list. The kind of person you are is not the person you show to others. The kind of person you are is the person you are when no one is looking. Guess what, that latter will always end up shining through, good or bad. Change who you are at your core, and then be yourself. It can't help but to have an impact on others.

Remember sandi's rules. Learn them. Know them. Use them. My favorite is to always be upbeat and pleasant, no matter what she does or doesn't do.


M(50), W(51),D(15)
M-20, T-22 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: The last straw [Re: Steve85] #2864930
09/11/19 03:08 AM
09/11/19 03:08 AM
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Zip Offline OP
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Thanks Steve! This is some crazy stuff...I am struggling a lot trying to do the right things but find just a simple quick hiccup will derail any positive movement.

Her issues were trust based and I am not sure how to show a 180 on this. I want to be transparent which is important but I am taking advice to chill and leave her alone. She will ask what I have planned for the day most mornings but I havenít given her a rundown on all I have planned due to limiting my conversations with her. Unfortunately I have a lot of freedom in my job being self employed and in sales. I also had my assistant retire in June. That was good and bad as she would try stirring up issues with my wife which I was not aware of. W told me she wasnít playing that game with her. Issue is she has to believe what I tell her without any checks and balances. I donít know how to rebuild the trust when I am to chill and limit all conversations with her. Any input would be greatly appreciated.

Another interesting issue is for those who are aware of the sitch says move on. No intimacy for 3 yrs and you are still in love with her is crazy. Move on and find someone who will appreciate me. Then I am reading DB and feeling this M could and should be saved. At 58 do I want to start over, well not really. I have to decide if itís worth investing time in trying to save the M or move on and deal with the pain now. This isnít taking in her side which D papers have not been filed as far as I can tell. Itís status quo for her in the back bedroom, no rings on and doing what she wants to do as usual. I donít see where she has to move on as she is content as a roommate and acts like the M is done. Not much difference outside of moving out of the MB.

She wanted the invoice for the annual propane costs so she could pay it. If you want a D, why are you willing to pay the $1200 bill if you may be leaving? She paid it last year but I have paid it the 5 yrs prior. This is confusing to me.
If I did the BD, I wouldnít be shelling out a lump sum that doesnít have to be paid....or I would pass it on to her. Makes little sense and makes me wonder if she is going to D me or not.

Trying to chill, and chill, and chill..... very confused by her actions. I need to really work on myself and leave her alone as stated earlier, itís just a downfall as I want to discuss where the sitch is but canít.

Need to work on me....

Zip


Me 58 W 58
T 36 yrs. M 32 yrs
D 27 D 23
BD 8/3/19
Waiting for filing from W
Re: The last straw [Re: Zip] #2865060
09/11/19 11:00 PM
09/11/19 11:00 PM
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Posts: 19
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Zip Offline OP
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I am struggling with how to stay quiet and avoid any communication, outside of what she may start, and trying to build trust. Seems counterintuitive.... R2C and AS were here and could use some support in this as Iím a bit lost.

Yesterday, I did text her confirm if she didnít have dinner planned, I would pick up something and put on the grille. Did that and she complimented me on dinner then she cleaned up as I had to take care of horses. Overall a good night as I finished in the barn and returned to the house to find D2 and W in bed. No convo this morning and just a text from her telling me she watered horses. I thanked her and nothing since including coming into the house this eve. Just back to non communication which is why we have struggled in the past.

Steve....any suggestions on actions instilling trust and integrity are greatly appreciated!

Starting to waffle about whether itís worth the fight looking back at the history and knowing what a mountain I need to climb with no promises that #1. She is going to even participate and #2 I donít want to be 60 and starting over.

Maybe some vets could shed light on this as I am fighting it.

With D1 planning on her wedding here in June 2020, I am wondering if I am just being played as I have been. She works from home and no interruptions to her, status quo. Lives in the back br and all is good for her. Time is on my side but itís tough to know whatís up esp not communicating.


She said last wed night she will never be able to love me again like a wife. Said she had paperwork on her computer to fill out for the L but stated I told he r I would not give her the tax returns etc....something I donít recall saying. Figured she would give me a copy so I can give her what she needs but there has been no attempt to talk about it since. Starting to think either she can file regardless which makes sense to me and that her L isnít getting the paperwork complete in a timely manner......or......is she stalling? Either way, I am thinking itís outside of my control SO LEAVE IT ALONE......harder said than done.

Feeling lost in this......any help would be greatly appreciated.

Also how do I copy quoted portions so I can answer ....sorry for the learning curve, lol!

Zip


Me 58 W 58
T 36 yrs. M 32 yrs
D 27 D 23
BD 8/3/19
Waiting for filing from W
Re: The last straw [Re: Zip] #2865061
09/11/19 11:04 PM
09/11/19 11:04 PM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 19
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Zip Offline OP
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Been reading other threads and DB book. Not done yet but I go from thinking this can be saved to whether it should be saved.

Finding advice is always available.....itís the good advice thatís hard to get...... Family and friends are not always the best as I am learning and reading.

Zip


Me 58 W 58
T 36 yrs. M 32 yrs
D 27 D 23
BD 8/3/19
Waiting for filing from W
Re: The last straw [Re: Zip] #2865062
09/11/19 11:10 PM
09/11/19 11:10 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 669
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CWarrior Online
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Posts: 669
Originally Posted by "Zip"
Starting to think either she can file regardless which makes sense to me

Hi Zip, in the USA she can file for divorce without any input from you. I filed myself without any attorneys--took 2-3 days effort and ~$200. If/when you get served, you don't have to do anything, but probably should!

Last edited by CWarrior; 09/11/19 11:12 PM.

My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. She says she's committed to making it work, to try to return home, and to be an 'us' forever.
Re: The last straw [Re: Zip] #2865066
09/12/19 12:07 AM
09/12/19 12:07 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 669
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IIRC, the initial filing announces intent, puts temporary restraining orders in place for both regarding finances and kids, and tells the served party their rights. It doesn't include any sort of settlement.


Last edited by CWarrior; 09/12/19 12:09 AM.

My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. She says she's committed to making it work, to try to return home, and to be an 'us' forever.
Re: The last straw [Re: Zip] #2865073
09/12/19 01:02 AM
09/12/19 01:02 AM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 6,519
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Originally Posted by Zip
Also how do I copy quoted portions so I can answer ....sorry for the learning curve, lol!
There should be a quote button at the bottom of each post, next to the reply and report buttons.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
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