Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 2

[DaB35]

Yes I know it will be a slow process. I will get there!

Feeling a bit better today. Doing some hobby work at the mo - too cold and windy to go out for a walk. Will do some exercise at home later this evening, then have planned to watch a couple of crime dramas on TV before bed.

Being more open and talking to friends has been a big step for me - it really makes a difference. Being honest and frank with them too is refreshing; just means they can offer much more useful advice or support as they have more info about the problem.

Haven't heard from W today. I think I missed her only for a few minutes today.

[DaB35]

She has emailed me just now - phone problems.

Asked if I had any thoughts on which estate agent we should go with.

I'm waiting for them to confirm fees - they've all been very vague so that's not helpful.

Shall I reply immediately and say "I'm waiting for more info. When I've got all the numbers, I'll send the info to you."

It's HER decision to sell the house. I don't want to. Am I right in sending her the stuff? She's living there so I think she should be responsible for getting this in motion.

[Ready2Change]

Send this now:
H:"W, when I get the fees from both agents, I will let you know my decision"

If the agents keep dragging their feet, get two or 3 more into the process:
H:"W, The two agents are taking too long on a simple task. I don't think they are a good fit. I have 3 more agents lined up. Lets see if they can get things moving quicker"

[DaB35]

OK I've basically sent a very brief email saying that I am waiting for more info and will send her all the fees info once I've received it all.

Urgh, it's so annoying. When I saw she'd emailed me I got a huge shot of adrenaline. I didn't like that.
It all feels so surreal still. Selling the house, divorce. I never thought it'd happen to me. She probably never thought that it'd happen to her either. I hate that she is rushing everything - she just wants it done. "I want a smooth sale and it to be out of the way."

I feel like I'm a perfectly good bit of food that's been discarded in the trash unopened because it's one day past the 'best buy' date.

[DaB35]

Won't check my email til tomorrow afternoon at work on purpose.

Less than 4 months ago, we were a happily married couple, planning work on our home. What a change in 14-15 weeks. Now she wants out, served D papers, and is pushing for the quickest house sale in England at the mo.

Thankfully my GAL plan is working out well.

[DaB35]

What are everyone's thoughts on the house sale - should I assist when she asks?

Or should I simply give her all the figures with totals, letting her know what we could get (overall and the split of equity after fees/sale), and ask her to choose and get it moving? I feel she is asking me to sort it all out. When we were together I always sorted out money stuff. Part of me thinks she should learn herself.

I'm ambivalent about this.
1) I don't want to argue and appear obstructive. I've agreed to the divorce saying I will not defend. I believe this is the right course of action at the stage, again to avoid appearing as though I want to deliberately oppose/stall things.

HOWEVER 2) It's HER choice to sell. She lives there. The estate agents are near her, not me. I don't want to sell. I want MC and talks. She wants to put herself in a worse off position in many aspects of her life.

[DS9]

Hey mate I’d assist. In fact, I’d be driving the sale. Show her you’re being a real man by not only complying with the divorce but also leading the direction to wrap things up.

I know this prevails against the forums collective wisdom so wait for other views before committing.

[DaB35]

DS9, that's why I'm ambivalent on it. In complying fully, she will get what she wants at this moment. But she will also end up in a situation where she'll realise what she's given up.
In just 3 months, she's given up on the M, dismissed MC and IC completely. Has decided she doesn't want to work on the R.

My reluctance is that it also implies that I've given up on the M too - as if I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want any of this - I'm prepared to put the work in but she is just not interested.

[DS9]

Ok so if you think she’s bluffing about this being the end then stall. If she queries make up tangible reasons why the house shouldn’t be sold. Suggest it get rented to offset the mortgage. Check if there’s any break fee. Tell her you want to transfer to you and refinance and need time to make enquiries.

I hear you on how quickly things changed. It happens. I was looking at old sms from my XW and I got an ilu etc 2 hours before bd. 5 hours before I got an excited call saying she’d found a house for us to buy. It makes no sense so I’ve stopped trying to make sense and so should you.

You’ve stated your case to her about not wanting it to end. Will it be better or not to actually fight this? How will she see that? Will she be sitting at home and suddenly decide she wants you back because you’re now fighting for the M when you maybe didn’t during the M? In Australia we have a saying ‘leaving the porch light on for Harold Holt ‘. You need to turn the light off til shes ready for you to flick it on mate.

[DaB35]

We weren't fighting during the M. The fighting only happened after she found out about my addiction and separated. Recently things have been calm. She has accepted she wants out - I got ILYBNILWY.

So by "turning the porch light off" as you say, you mean I should completely detach, imagine that 'I'm done' and then see how she reacts to that?