12 days sober is tricky.. good that she seems sincere and in therapy
just some thoughts
If she is serious about getting away from OM and staying sober there are halfway houses to help her transition into sober living AA will give her support and guidence and hopefully she will stay sober
Either way, There is Alanon for the spouse(highly recommend) so you can get support and learn how to live with a sober alcoholic Just because they get sober...does not always make it an easy road- and many will relapse or continue to have struggles for times to come
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
First off, my ex wife moved back in with us almost two months ago. It would seem her family has sorta dumped her off on me as they all refuse to help her any more than they have. She arrived fresh off a three week binge of alcohol and cocaine. Her sister found her on the side of the street and took her directly to the ER. Five days later she was moving back in with us, and trying to have a fresh start — she said she wanted to reconcile.
She's an alcoholic, no doubt. Within a day of two she started sneaking in bottles of wine or jack whenever I've entrusted her to buy groceries with my debit card. She has also used money I've loaned her for Uber rides to AA sessions to go to bars afterward and comes home sloshed.
One evening after a binge she vandelized my home to the point I had to lock her out of my home to keep her chaos away from our children – she was extremely abusive verbally. I called the police and had her arrested. Flash forward a couple weeks and she's back with us, only this time she's under probation for a year, has a mandatory 30 day inpatient rehab requirement, also required to be assessed for anger management, has more court fines to pay (in addition to the ones she still has for a DUI in another state), and she's not allowed to drink.
You'd think she'd wise up, however if anything, she's been pushing boundaries even further. She's still in communication with OM plus another M who she claims was only helping her with her hotel costs. Add to this, I caught her on several dating sites two nights ago flirting giving out her number to other men. When confronted, she attacked me and once again verabally berated with me while my children were in the other room listening.
This can't continue. She's not making any efforts to reconcile, nor is what she's doing healthy for me or the kids. My youngest S7 even said he wanted it back to the way it used to be when it was just us and mommy was not living with us. It breaks my heart.
So the question is, do I just ignore everything and pretend everything is just fine ala Larry Bilotta style? I mean being non-confrontive, ask no questions, and create as peaceful a surrounding as I can for the kids and I –or– do I just kick her out?
She has no money, no family or friends here, and would likely be homeless, but I am running out of options here.
HELP!!!
Me: 48 WW: 43 OM: 53 met 12/16 to 10/19 M: 18 T: 20 D20 S18 S9 BD 05/22/16 W asked for D 6/20/16 D final 1/9/17
Oh my gosh, OC Hope, your story makes my h3ll look like a cake walk! The only good thing about your story is that you can be very clear it's not you. There is no need for any confusion in your story!
Your situation is so very difficult.
I wanted to ask if you have been to AA or NA meetings yourself, the ones for family of addicts. I think it would be really helpful to hear their take and they might have the best insight and ideas based on years of experience.
But with no experience at all in the best way to deal with someone as severely addicted as your wife, if you want to keep her away from your kids but also keep her off the street and fulfill your vows as best as you can, could you afford a really tiny apartment or even a room somewhere in your town? Maybe make sure that she understands you will do it for six months and by then she needs to have a job and be paying her own way?
Also make sure that you are documenting all of this and keep police records, etc. I didn't read your sitch but you should get a formal custody arrangement in place while she is not caring about anything, she might make it too hard for you if she starts getting angry with you, and clearly you need to protect your kids. Maybe you can make the apartment contingent on her signing it.
((((OC Hope))))) You are carrying a heavy cross. Your love for your kids will get you all through this!
Last edited by job; 12/01/1907:48 PM. Reason: edited language
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
1) You give her no money. Ever. Make other areangements to get her to meetings, buy groceries yourself.
2) If you are formally divorced you have no legal obligation to let her live with you, correct? If aspects of your divorce are not finalized, figure out how to do so.
3) Why didn’t she go directly into a 30 day inpatient rehab program? She needs one badly, and it would get her out of your house.
4) She probably needs to be evaluated by a psychiatrist for co-morbid psychiatric illness. I had a boyfriend who had a serious history of drug abuse but had been sober for a few years when we met. He seemed really serious about his sobriety so I gave him a chance (he was very involved in twelve step programs). Eventually he fell off the wagon in a spectacular way, was on and off the streets for several months until it became apparent that his underlying problem is (and always has been) bipolar disorder. Everybody was so focused on the drug use that they missed the fact that manic episodes preceded his relapses. It became apparent one day when he called me after a week long binge, asking for help. I told him to go to the ER and I would meet him there, but first go check out of the motel room he was in (so charges wouldn’t accumulate).
Well, he went to check out of his room but decided to smoke up all the meth he had first. When he arrived at the ER he was high as a kite, as high as I’d ever seen him. BUT because the manic episode had stopped, he could make sense, express remorse, talk about the next steps, in a way that he couldn’t when he was manic.
We’re not together now and his mania hasn’t been perfectly controlled but he’s doing better with a mixture of psych meds and holistic treatments.
There are other medical conditions that can trigger addictive behaviors - depression, gastric bypass, Parkinson’s drugs, brain tumors, trauma, PTSD. Her behavior is so impulsive and extreme that I’d consider bipolar on the list. But if she’s this sick and unwilling to go into inpatient treatment you may need to kick her out and let her hit rock bottom. (I’m not a huge fan of that approach but you can’t have this around your kids. )
I am right there with kml's advice. Give her no money and no access to your credit and/or debit cards. You will need to pick up the groceries for now on.
I would sit her down and give her some options: 1) go into rehab and get cleaned up; or 2) leave and figure out things for herself.
She has to hit rock bottom and it has to be on her timeline. You cannot continue to have her in your home drinking and/or using, especially around your children.
The AA meetings and Alanon have plenty of info to help you, but you cannot continue to have her live there w/you in that condition.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Another option, but only if you feel comfortable with it, is to say so long as you are clean/being treated (after rehab) you can stay here while you get on your feet.
Be sure to explain to your kids that none of us can save someone who does not want to fix herself. We have to save ourselves and create safe environments. It is important for your kids to know this is actually the kindest thing to do for her as otherwise she destroys more lives. If she continues to spiral in your home, she ruins her own life, yours and your kids.’
Enabling does not equate to fixing.
You can do this!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
A man who works with me has a 16 year old son who is on drugs and booze. This poor kid is completely destroying his own life. He was getting mandatory treatment right until the day he turned 16 and the psyc nurse told him and his Dad that at 16 he is allowed to check himself out and not accept any treatments. And that is exactly what happened.
His son left home and sold everything he has had for addiction money. The son has broken back into the house, stole money, stole TVs, jewelry, etc., threaten his step Mom, and caused a lot of grief. Police have been involved more than a few times and the kids has been picked up before. He has worn out all his welcome at his friends houses. The counsellors that the Dad saw to see what he could do to help his son told him that in this stage you just have to let them be. They need to hit rock bottom. And even then the chances are not so great.
It is really sad to see how broken and lost some people can become. In my friend’s kid’s case, it stems from his Mom and her horrible behaviour towards him.
Be strong and do the best you can; and what you need to do for your family.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you guys so much for your input. She went to a 30 inpatient treatment center far away from here a week ago. She gets to call for 5 minutes each day and talk to our son. She sounds like a completely different person already, but I know better than to assume that's the new norm yet.
I agree with KML, there might be some bipolar stuff going on somewhere in her head that needs treatment.
As for giving her any money, I've stopped that entirely. I do however pay a couple of her bills directly. This is because we are in fact divorced, however I am not currently paying her spousal support. I stopped paying that when she moved in with the OM years ago. Now that she's not living with someone, the courts would expect me to maintain support or I'd get in trouble (should she ever decide to report me).
HaWho's suggestion might be the best compromise - "so long as you are clean/being treated (after rehab) you can stay here while you get on your feet." I could begin paying her spousal support again and insist she gets her own place. That might be my best move.
This would give her space to be her own person, allow her to continue treatment and prove to herself she can live a sober life (or not). If she shows that she can do that, then we can pick up reconciliation talks again from a more healthy mental and physical point (or not).
What do you guys think?
Me: 48 WW: 43 OM: 53 met 12/16 to 10/19 M: 18 T: 20 D20 S18 S9 BD 05/22/16 W asked for D 6/20/16 D final 1/9/17
I could begin paying her spousal support again and insist she gets her own place. That might be my best move.
This. Don't take her back in to your home - that's too hard on the kids if she relapses. Let her get her own place and prove that she's serious about maintaining sobriety.
