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Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 2 #2863376
08/29/19 03:17 PM
08/29/19 03:17 PM
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Posts: 393
United Kingdom
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DaB35 Online OP
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DaB35  Online OP
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New thread to continue from the first part.
Part 1:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2861875#Post2861875

Really appreciate everybody's input so far. Keep the advice coming please - it is most welcome!!


Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr (met 30 October 2010)
M - 3 yr (3 August 2016)
Discovery - 14 May 2019
Sep - 25 May 2019
D bomb - 29 July 2019
Online Papers sent off 18 August 2019
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 2 [Re: DaB35] #2863379
08/29/19 03:21 PM
08/29/19 03:21 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 393
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DaB35 Online OP
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Recap for everyone:

Married 3 years, together 8. No kids.

W discovered I have had a strong porn addiction. Since before we met. She discovered I'd signed up to 2 websites (free), contributed and maintained profiles on these sites, then messaged 2 women in explicit chat/email, paid these two women 60 over 8 months (since September 2018) for photos of them. I also uploaded pics of some of my exes and 2 photos of my SIL from her Facebook page to one of these women in (private) chat - they commented on them all in a sexual way. W asked me to move out in May. I'm living with parents. She's in the house alone. She applied for divorce. I received the paperwork yesterday (28th August). She wants to sell the house. We've had 2 estate agents look already.

I'm getting IC. She refuses it. I'm GALing. She says she wants to remain friends and is "sad everything has happened the way it has."


Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr (met 30 October 2010)
M - 3 yr (3 August 2016)
Discovery - 14 May 2019
Sep - 25 May 2019
D bomb - 29 July 2019
Online Papers sent off 18 August 2019
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 2 [Re: DaB35] #2863382
08/29/19 03:31 PM
08/29/19 03:31 PM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,043
Colorado
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Ready2Change Offline
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Hi Dan,

I am sure you had bigger issues than porn in your M.


It is important that you get to a point where you understand that the she has an EQUAL part in the failing of the M.


Relationships are 50/50.


When you get to this point,(hopefully right now) You should AGREE with her that the M was not working for you either.

You want way more in a marriage than what you had.


This puts you both on the same page.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 2 [Re: DaB35] #2863383
08/29/19 03:38 PM
08/29/19 03:38 PM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,043
Colorado
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Ready2Change Offline
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Originally Posted by Dan35
She says she wants to remain friends


I would make it clear that you will not be her friend if she divorces you. You will be friendly to get through this a quickly and painless as possible.

Do not say this, but it is your belief:
"I can't be friends with someone I love"


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 2 [Re: DaB35] #2863384
08/29/19 03:48 PM
08/29/19 03:48 PM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,056
Missouruh
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ovrrnbw Offline
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Quote
I'm not going to text if she gets home safely. I will only respond if she texts first. I'm doing this more now. I'm only texting first if I have to get into the house (only she can access the alarm remotely now, and I no longer have a smart phone).

Or don't respond at all to her sometimes.

But defintely go with R2C's advice on friends. I have 0 "friends" that are women. I have a good friend who is "friends" with lots of women, funny how he has slept with all of them.


H 33
W 28
BD 3/12/18

Married 3 years
Together 7 years

Working on the R and on me - Spring 19
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 2 [Re: DaB35] #2863387
08/29/19 04:20 PM
08/29/19 04:20 PM
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I second the "friend" comments above. I've moved to being cordial and pleasant but I'm not communicating anything more than logistics. I agree with you that it's tough - we have a level of intimacy and shared background that makes conversing easy. As soon as the D is finalized, though, I expect these to be few and far between. My W had said that she wanted me to come to her family's home for holidays, etc. Nope. Haven't said that yet but will politely decline all joint activities going forward.

At a higher level, I'm not proactively informing her of D3's activities (e.g. if she wants to know that D3 had a bath last night she can ask me, I'm not telling her). I do inform her when I will be taking D3 out of town but it's this: "FYI, I'm taking D3 to [hometown] this weekend, she'll be there Fri-Mon". I'm not even acknowledging TMs from her that I don't need to (FYIs, etc.).

All that to say that you should make this as easy on yourself as possible - if in doubt, don't communicate it out. Unless it's something your W needs to know for logistics then don't send it. Keep all messages brief. Don't tack on any personal stuff. Don't even put in small talk ("House is locked up. Crazy weather, huh?"). If you want to communicate with someone, do it with other friends, coworkers, or at your new hobby (you're getting those, right?).


M(35), W(35), D(4)
M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019
W moved out Aug 13
House sold Sept 25
Papers signed Nov 15
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 2 [Re: Ready2Change] #2863401
08/29/19 05:17 PM
08/29/19 05:17 PM
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DaB35 Online OP
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change

I am sure you had bigger issues than porn in your M.

It is important that you get to a point where you understand that the she has an EQUAL part in the failing of the M.

Relationships are 50/50.


I think the only other issue was me having a massive case of NGS: Feeling inadequate, always seeking approval, being afraid to try new things, reclusive emotionally, not revealing problems or failings, hiding mistakes.

She is a very strong, heart-on-sleeve person. I envied that about her. She just "did stuff" for the sake of doing stuff, tried things, if they didn't work, she moved on easily.

I suppose a joint failing was communication. She would expect me to know that she was unhappy about something and purposely didn't bring it up until it was late in the day when she'd be more angry rather than have a simple restrained "I'm a little concerned about this" talk.


Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr (met 30 October 2010)
M - 3 yr (3 August 2016)
Discovery - 14 May 2019
Sep - 25 May 2019
D bomb - 29 July 2019
Online Papers sent off 18 August 2019
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 2 [Re: DaB35] #2863430
08/29/19 09:08 PM
08/29/19 09:08 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 393
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DaB35 Online OP
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She is back from holiday tonight.

Not sure what to do if she chases me on the estate agents. She's convinced the sale of our house will be done in a matter of weeks but both agents told me it'll realistically be Xmas by the time something major happens.

I had a few nostalgia moments throughout the day. I had a bit of a sad walk round town during my lunch break at work today, although I was doing my 'confidence' thing where I make myself stand tall and keep my head up and that certainly works. I went to a book shop (the air-con in it was very welcome) and found a book by Esther Perel about surviving infidelity. I read a brief section about spouses writing 'goodbye' letters to each other in their final therapy sessions when D was finalised. I started crying in the book store reading some of them. Made me think of all the little quirks of my W that I adore so much. I wanted to buy the book and send it to my W. I composed myself and walked out into the sunshine, then went back to work for the afternoon.

I got a haircut today to feel better still. I did some exercise at home and tomorrow willl FINALLY go to the gym near my work to sign up to start in September. Thinking taking classes in cycling, yoga, weights, and then also using the swimming pool and sauna. Probably 3-4 times a week.

One thing my W loves is Jellycat toys. We have a big collection of them, about 30. She says I have a gift for animating them - I move their bodies and arms around as if they're real and she loved it. They told little stories and she used to have silly conversations with these stuffed toys - it was so cute to watch her have a bit of silly fun. A particular fave of hers is a lion about 8" tall - she calls him "Mr Lion" - we created a very lazy, selfish, mischievous but lovable personality for him, and she says she is a 'kindred spirit' to him somewhat. We had lots of laughs together. It's these silly moments that I miss. Quoting Family Guy every so often in conversation. Dancing briefly in the kitchen to jazz on the radio while we wait for the dinner to cook. Cuddling on the sofa watching Stranger Things. Listening to Madness in the car on long journeys and hearing my W's regular lament that she can't play the piano. Lots of nice memories.

I suddenly felt angry towards W - rushing into a S and D, blabbing my porn addiction to her entire family and most of her close friends (though her parents don't know all the sordid details). She even told me "I shouldn't have told everyone. I don't know why I did that." I was so annoyed! Then her blanking me suddenly last month. I think of her bad-mouthing me to all and sundry. I haven't checked her Facebook profile for 2 months. I've hidden her from the site to avoid temptation and snooping.

Then I felt calmer - Reminding myself that I'm sorting myself out, becoming confident and GALing. I felt better this evening.

She hasn't texted me this evening tosay she's back. I won't contact her to check if she got back safely. I'll wait for her to text first.














Last edited by Dan35; 08/29/19 09:09 PM.

Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr (met 30 October 2010)
M - 3 yr (3 August 2016)
Discovery - 14 May 2019
Sep - 25 May 2019
D bomb - 29 July 2019
Online Papers sent off 18 August 2019
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 2 [Re: DaB35] #2863455
08/30/19 01:34 AM
08/30/19 01:34 AM
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Posts: 343
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DS9 Offline
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Originally Posted by Dan35
Journal

She hasn't texted me this evening tosay she's back. I won't contact her to check if she got back safely. I'll wait for her to text first.



Good idea. But don't 'wait' for the text - if it comes, it comes.

If you want to get into the gym, I'd suggest go and buy your own bench and weights. That way, you can train whenever you want at home.

BTW, I love Madness too - can't listen to "Embarassment" anymore though.

Good luck Dan


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 2 [Re: DS9] #2863466
08/30/19 07:36 AM
08/30/19 07:36 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 393
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DaB35 Online OP
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DS9, yes I have some kettle bells at home so using those as well as doing sit-ups etc.

It's 8.30am and she hasn't messaged me. I assume she's back ok.
I hope her shoulder is getting better.

I looked in the mirror this morning and didn't feel disgusted with myself. I thought "You are a good guy. You had some issues. You're tackling them. You're not a bad person." Or words to that effect anyway.


Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr (met 30 October 2010)
M - 3 yr (3 August 2016)
Discovery - 14 May 2019
Sep - 25 May 2019
D bomb - 29 July 2019
Online Papers sent off 18 August 2019
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