.i insisted I wasn't, but later apologized to her. I explained that I hadn't felt great that day ( I didn't) and should have been more tolerant of the things that had made me withdraw
I am going to share something, here, and some may find it neanderthal, but I have actually found it useful. In all of my "alpha male" reading and reconnecting, I came across one widely read blog that made it a point to say "men don't apologize"... They may acknowledge that "mistakes were made", or even rarely that "I can and will do better" but "'i was wrong' and 'I'm sorry' should never cross your lips."
Now, honestly, there is a Little hyperbole and tongue in cheek, there, but also a grain of truth. Women admire strength (alpha male, right?) Now, I will still actually "apologize" if warranted, but I am much more measured and restrained in doin g so than I used to be. Unless I have really screwed up, and sometimes even then, I am much more apt to approach things from the angle of "I can see you're hurt/upset/concerned..."(if she in fact is--validation) OR "Hey look, I know I did ____________" (taking ownership--decisive, unafraid) And once the "validation/empathizing" or "acknowledgement" period is past: "I/we can fix this" or "I can do better". Much more Alpha. "I'm sorry" can often sound plead-y, or obsequious.
Go ahead and laugh... Women respond to this. I've seen it in my W and she has explicitly commented on it to me "You're so decisive/certain/assertive/etc." My sex life has improved by leaps and bounds.
Last edited by hoosjim; 08/26/1909:35 PM.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
I am going to share something, here, and some may find it neanderthal, but I have actually found it useful. In all of my "alpha male" reading and reconnecting, I came across one widely read blog that made it a point to say "men don't apologize"... They may acknowledge that "mistakes were made", or even rarely that "I can and will do better" but "'i was wrong' and 'I'm sorry' should never cross your lips."
On a similar note, My woman will thank me for a good time in bed. I always respond "My Pleasure" but never thank her.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
So I worked from home yesterday as I still wasn't feeling great. This morning I had more anxiety than I thought I would being away from her. As I was driving into work I had that old feeling about being away from her that occurred during our sitch a year and a half ago.
So I listened to marital advice podcasts all the way in to work. Had one related to pursuer-distancer dynamic. I think part of our issue may have been that I pulled back a bit in my work on the marriage. No where near as bad as I was pre BD, but still could have been more diligent and attentive. That said, I'm wondering if I should pull back a bit now. My inclination since the discovery of the email was to become very attentive. Even successfully initiated sex yesterday morning. But maybe I need to back off. I guess this time is different because she didn't ask for space, like she did during our such last year. I think distancing could do more damage.
I do think a good 180 for me is to observe this thing from afar. I think the reason gathering more Intel is important is because I'm pretty sure that if she had another EA, I'm done. Been through it twice now, 3rd time will be the final strike. Maybe my feelings will change if this is a real flare up, but in the past I've not been patient enough to observe and see how far it would go. Granted this guy lives hours away in another country, and it's likely that it's just her getting her craving for being wanted from afar, but I'm going to work observe and then make a decision based on what I ultimately find. But likely this would be the last straw.
Any and all feedback and advice, as always, is welcome.
Last edited by Steve85; 08/27/1912:36 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks Neffer!! Good advice. I just prayed. That was a technique I used in the heat of my sitch.
Here is a question, is it possible for the reformed wayward to dabble in waywardness, maybe a bit of a relapse, without going full blown wayward again?
I do think there is a bit of "idle hands" going on here. I think this is what Sandi was getting at yesterday. Last year she was busy finding a house, helping coordinate there move, moving, unpacking, putting the house together. Etc.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Here is a question, is it possible for the reformed wayward to dabble in waywardness, maybe a bit of a relapse, without going full blown wayward again?
That's kind of like asking if an alcoholic can have a little drink occasionally without going off the wagon. She may not be as "reformed" as you thought. She may behave better around you. It's what's in the heart that's the real issue. I think she does not find fulfillment in homemaking, and has low self esteem. She gets a high when a stranger tells her she's beautiful, sexy, talented, etc. However, when hidden behind a phone or computer, it usually doesn't stop there. The farther away OM is, the braver she feels. So, it's going to progress into phone sex, using the camera, etc.
I think it's quite possible that she backslid, and either continued and has been hiding it for a while, or she decided to stop and trashed the messages. That's why I was asking how many months has it been since you verified.
Anyone can relapse, especially if they are not happy and are looking for something to fill that empty spot. I just think it's easier to relapse in the early stages of withdrawal. IMHO, the WW needs to be informed about how affairs are addictive and how it works in her brain. She needs a plan, a guide to show her how to cope and avoid pitfalls. WW's need accountability. That's why I support transparency until she is past the withdrawal period. Way past it.
If she backslid, I don't think it was due to you falling down on 180's. From what I have seen, it's been you working and improving Steve. What has she done since reconciling? The WW has a lot of inner work to repair. Yes, her overt actions and attitude are important, but her work on the heart determines her success, IMHO.
Is she still taking Zoloft?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
