H arranged with me last week to come to the house and pack/move his stuff yesterday. I said sure, I will leave the keys under the front door mat (didn't have plans per se, but didn't want to sit at home nor make him think I would be hanging around).
Well, he never turned up or let me know he wasn't coming. I got home at dinner time and nothing had been touched. He sent a message later that night saying he didn't make it as he was so busy buying new furniture for his new house. He added that he would just pack/move during his parenting time with our S the next morning. To which I thought - not the best use of that time, but whatever.
So after handover this morning I received a message while I was on the train to work. "WTF is this? You know this isn't being picked up until Saturday..." with a photo of the washer/dryer I had moved outside and covered with a tarp.
This sort of gaslighting treatment is a common theme with him - accusing me of ulterior motives when I'm innocent, saying he informed me of something when he hadn't, blaming me for consequences of his poor communication.
My reply: "I didn't know anything about Saturday? You told me Monday so I thought things were being moved yesterday and they were out there ready to go. The tarp was tucked around them, must have come off overnight. Feel free to move them into garage."
Why do they do this? The closer we get to finalising the legal separation, he gets more petty and condescending. I am nice, calm, cooperative, and helpful in every interaction. It seems to make him cold and angry! He's getting what he wanted and I'm just making the best of the situation he forced me into. I don't get it.
I absolutely love your responses to your H. Well played.
Clearly your H is struggling with something as he projects all his anger on to you. I don’t think there’s really any way to know why H is doing what he’s doing.
Keep doing what you’re doing and don’t allow him to suck you into the insanity.
I wonder what that was about - fishing for sympathy?.
Yes. He's trying to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to be free to be with other women and still have you to be his emotional rock when he needs support. Whether you allow it is up to you, but I'd discourage it. "Wow, it sounds like you are having a really hard time. I'm sure you can handle it. Goodbye."
Originally Posted by scout12
It is hard to know what is best when it comes to our son - he’s only 1.5 years old.
Isn't it a shame they don't come with manuals? I'm sure you'll do fine. Just make sure he knows you love him.
Originally Posted by scout12
I do not want to allow H to eat cake though. He still seems to think he can come and go as he pleases, turn up late for pickup and drop off, and then turn around and accuse me of being uptight when I ask him to stick to the plan we have in writing. I have reminded him several times (pleasantly) that this is now a business arrangement and to act accordingly.
I'd suggest coming up with boundaries you can enforce, and then enforce them. He's late for pickup? "Ooooh, too bad. I had an appointment I couldn't be late for, so when you didn't come, I brought S1.5, and can't meet you to drop him off until......" I'm not suggesting you use S1.5 as a pawn in all this. It's just an example of you not letting your life revolve around him.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
I absolutely love your responses to your H. Well played.
Clearly your H is struggling with something as he projects all his anger on to you. I don’t think there’s really any way to know why H is doing what he’s doing.
Keep doing what you’re doing and don’t allow him to suck you into the insanity.
Thornton, I couldn't have written it better!
I think it's easier to blame you than take responsibility for not showing up when he said he would.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
The weirdest thing about my situation? No matter how tense or awkward our interactions are, in person or over email, he continues to make my bed whenever he’s in the house looking after S1.5.
The weirdest thing about my situation? No matter how tense or awkward our interactions are, in person or over email, he continues to make my bed whenever he’s in the house looking after S1.5.
As crazy as this sounds he's probably doing it to check for evidence that you've had a visitor over. If he gets caught snooping around your bed then he can say "oh I was just making the bed for you".
Maybe it's the little devil on my shoulder, but I'd be inclined to buy some boxers (or briefs, if H wears boxers) and put a pair low down under the covers.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
The weirdest thing about my situation? No matter how tense or awkward our interactions are, in person or over email, he continues to make my bed whenever he’s in the house looking after S1.5.
As crazy as this sounds he's probably doing it to check for evidence that you've had a visitor over. If he gets caught snooping around your bed then he can say "oh I was just making the bed for you".
Originally Posted by Jim1234
Maybe it's the little devil on my shoulder, but I'd be inclined to buy some boxers (or briefs, if H wears boxers) and put a pair low down under the covers.
Another fun exchange at S handover this morning. H turned up (late) and to my great surprise, let himself into the house with a key.
M: Why do you still have keys? I thought you'd returned them. H: I took them from under the door mat on Monday. M: You didn't tell me you were taking them, they were only there for you to use on Monday. H: I told you I was moving all this week. M: No, you didn't, you just told me Monday in your email. H: I told you in person. M: No, you didn't. Stop blaming me for your lack of communication. H: Fine, you know what? Here's the keys. I'll be here on Saturday to move the rest of my stuff. M: Thank you. H: I won't be paying to file the separation agreement [that we'd verbally agreed on splitting the cost of] since you are the only one who benefits [from waiving property taxes]. M: You're so petty. It's ridiculous. H: And you're not? With the keys? M: Until you stop blaming me for your problems and realise that you're the common denominator in your unhappiness, you're going to be a very negative and miserable person. I didn't cause this problem. Your assumptions did. H: I don't blame you for everything. M: You are the one with the issues. Remember, you wanted this. I won't be paying for the divorce application since I'm not the one that wanted it. H: Fine. M: From now on, all communication needs to be in writing. You are unreliable. You keep changing your mind and using that as an excuse to blame me. I already told you I won't have these conversations during kid handover. H: Fine.
Once on the train, I sent the following message:
'Just so it's clear, I don't have a problem with you using the keys. I'm so tired of getting into arguments over stupid things like this. Here's what I would have expected in terms of communicating a plan: "I'd like to take the keys for the week so I can move things when I have free time. At this stage, I'm planning to come on xyz day at xyz time. I will let you know in advance if that changes. Let me know if that all works for you." Please, for the love of God, take this on board so we can both have peace in our lives. I don't want to do this any more. I'm sending this to prevent a future argument but if you choose to be pissed off, so be it. Please just leave me alone.'
H replied back with a clear plan for moving the rest of his stuff (amazingly), and added:
'We didn't put anything in writing about keys, I understand communication can be clearer but your attitude today as I walked in was not on, if you want to be civil, don't start [censored] as soon as I open the door. Thank you for messaging me.'
My final response:
'I hope you can understand why I'd be upset that you assumed it was okay to take keys to my home without my knowledge. Thanks for letting me know about Saturday.'
Does anyone feels like analysing this? I am honestly on edge from the constant gaslighting and accusations. I don't know if anything I'm doing is right. Not just right for DB-ing, but in terms of standing up for myself while being fair and kind.
Thinking more about it, I didn't do anything that bad. I reinforced my boundaries of what level of disrespect I will tolerate. I stayed relatively calm and didn't get angry. A bit critical, sure, but there are limits on what I can take! I pointed out his inconsistencies and told him my expectations for communicating in future. I think that is okay. Him calling it "attitude" and "starting sh!t" just means he doesn't like being held accountable.
