what more information would you require? Catching them in the act? Even then you would be probably asking for explanation, asking if OM possibly slipped on wet floor and stuck himself into your W.
I was about to say! Seeing a message from OM to W talking about how he can't concentrate because he's thinking about how he just banged her (AT SCHOOL!!!!!!!) seems pretty cut-and-dried to me.
BB, you now know two things about your W:
1) SHE IS A CHEATER 2) SHE IS A LIAR
Some people take offense when I tell them this, they'll start defending their wife. They'll get mad that I said something that they think attacks her character (what character????) But here's the thing, the sooner you realize what you are up against the sooner you will "see the light" and quit playing her game. You want to give her another chance? See number one above. You want an explanation from her? See number two.
Now I am not saying she is beyond redemption, I've seen marriages rebuilt after cheating. But what I am saying is no matter how wonderful and good and loyal your wife USED to be, right NOW she is a lying cheater. You've got to quit trying to reason and negotiate with her like she's still that old wife you knew, she's no longer that person. She might be again some day, but that's way down the road.
Regarding the snooping, talk to a lawyer. As Joe said, a lot of states have adopted "no fault" D and if yours is one then all the evidence of cheating in the world won't make a difference. And if it doesn't then don't snoop anymore because you already know 1 and 2 above, and that's as bad as it gets. All snooping will do is keep verifying 1 and 2, unless there are legal reasons for it which your L will tell you if there are.
Thanks to all the advice. At the end of the day I know I have got to just move on. Taking care of myself is the most important thing.
I am meeting with the lawyer today for advice going forward. He can tell me how best to protect myself and my family. Everything is so crazy when going through all of this and it's very scary. So many things go through your mind about the whole process.
She will be super angry once I confront her and not sure she will get over her anger due to what she has done. This will make the whole process much more difficult. I know that I have got to be strong and firm going forward. I will not allow myself to be walked on or used as a doormat.
What is comical in the whole situation is that she makes me feel like I am the crazy one here. Absolutely no respect for me at all.
I am meeting with the lawyer today for advice going forward.
Perfect!
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She will be super angry once I confront her and not sure she will get over her anger due to what she has done.
Exactly, confronting them rarely has any positive benefit. Most of them consider themselves divorced after BD and free to do what they want to do, so to her it's you snooping into her private life and she thinks it's none of your business. As crazy as that may sound, that's how a WW thinks. If you do confront her then expect denial, lies and gaslighting. No matter what she says, just say "We both know the truth, and I just wanted you to know that I know and that's the end of this conversation." Then walk away.
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What is comical in the whole situation is that she makes me feel like I am the crazy one here. Absolutely no respect for me at all.
LH beat me to it but yes, that's classic "gaslighting" and is the favorite weapon in a WW's arsenal. Read up on it so that you can recognize when she's doing it and not get pulled into it. When you're being gaslighted you feel the need to defend yourself which is the whole point of them doing it- to throw you off balance and take the focus off themselves and put it on you. When you respond like I suggested above it blows a hole in their gaslighting. If you do it consistently eventually they'll give up on it because it's not working.
Depending on the state or country, infidelity has no bases in what happens in court. Judges don't care about the inner workings of the M. They will only care about the assets and kids. With that being said, states like TX divides all assets 50/50 mostly. No hassle for the judges. So don't let continue trying to collect evidence about her infidelity to use against her in legal battles.
Not strictly true. It varies widely by jurisdiction. He should really find out what the law is in his state and become aware of his rights. In Virginia, where I am, for instance, adultery, if proven, is usually an absolute bar to the adulterer/adulteress receiving spousal support from the aggrieved spouse. Adultery is also grounds in Virginia for an immediate divorce degree without the usually requisite trial separation period. Finally, if you know about adultery and can be said to have "condoned" it, you give up the right to claim adultery as grounds for divorce and/or withholding spousal support (alimony) In Virginia, condonation occurs when the parties voluntarily resume sexual relations and continue living together after the innocent spouse learns of the adultery.
So... he needs to be aware of his specific legal rights and, depending on the circumstances and what he's hoping to achieve, it can be worthwhile to gather (or have gathered, by a private investigator who knows how to stay within the law on such matters) evidence of adultery. That's not to say I would condone "snooping." Snooping (or, more kindly, "intelligence gathering") is a controversial subject on here, and opinions vary widely. It can be useful situationally... but it can also be harmful to you and hurt your own development. You shouldn't go looking for information that you know if you found it you couldn't handle... Also, if reconciliation is something you think is possible and desirable, knowing all the exact grim details of your W's affair might be something you would never be able to get over... some things you just cant "un-see" or "un-hear". I myself did "gather intelliegence" from time to time, but did not always do so in a way that was beneficial to my objectives and my own development/growth (which, in DB-ing, is your paramount concern until you get to piecing). I will say this in sum: I don't think it is a black or white issue-- "NEVER snoop" vs. "YOU HAVE TO KNOW"... it really depends on your own situation, what your goals are, and what you can handle.
Outside of the legal ramifications, strictly in terms of saving the marriage (And/or your self-esteem and sanity) I am a staunch supporter of confronting the offending spouse ASAP (As, I believe, is Sandi2, whose position, at the risk of doing it violence is, I believe, that if more LBS's dropped a bomb of their own on the Wayward spouse IMMEDIATELY upon discovering the A, the road to piecing, where piecing is possible, would be significantly shortened.) I would urge you read in depth, if you have not, Sandi2's threads on WWs. You can also, if you wish, check out my threads... My marriage successfully recovered from a WW and an affair, though I had many failures and missteps along the way. My sitch was somewhat unique in several ways, but i think there are nuggets in my own experiences that will be useful to most LBH's dealing with a WW in an affair.
Last edited by hoosjim; 08/27/1905:06 PM.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Spoke with the lawyer today. He advised me not to disclose of the information I have. He said that knowledge is power. I still may confront her tonight. I feel like I’ve got to get it off my mind and move on. I know she will deny it anyways.
Spoke with the lawyer today. He advised me not to disclose of the information I have. He said that knowledge is power. I still may confront her tonight. I feel like I’ve got to get it off my mind and move on. I know she will deny it anyways.
You do not need to move on. You only need to move forward.
Been away fro a few days. I had to confront her so it would help me move forward. She still denied it to some extent and became very angry. I walked out and she nearly attacked me in the bedroom. I refused to give her my phone and she was adamant about me deleting the picture of the message. That was all the confession I needed. It felt relieving to get it off my chest and to be honest about what I know is going on.
I am going to move forward with GAL and detachment as she knows that I know for sure what is going on. I just pray she doesn't get pregnant in the process as they are having sex every single day and brag about it in the messages.
They have plans to be together. Its just as I thought. He is convincing her to slit with me and then he will split with his wife. She can get a job somewhere else in the county and then they could be together. Spouses can't work at the same school. Especially if they are in an administrative role.
I have decided to let her do everything with moving in the direction of divorce. If she is ugly about it then I will eventually go to the other mans wife to let her know. I will expose it to those that are being hurt. I realized last night just how much hate she has for me for her to have done these things and continue to do these things. I believe divorce may be the only option as I know way to much in order to forgive. IF I had any advice to give others it would be to not dig to deep because what you find may scare and scar the crap out of you.
