Slow and Steady

[Jac12]

My W started a chat today before leaving the house. Basically asked if her L should be expecting a letter from my L based on what me and her talked about last weekend.

I said "no, he's still on vacation but basically once we agree on the details we can have them draw it up. I'm not interested in paying him more money if we haven't finalized this ourselves yet...which I thought we did"

Her: I'm just not fine with the custody part (I would have primary custody, alternating wknds and she would see him after school on Wednesdays until bedtime)

Me: I can understand that. I'm not happy about it either - I don't want to give up any time with him.

Her: This is about what's best for our Son, not what's best for you.

Me: I realize that and I think what's best for him at 2.5 years old is to have a consistent home. I've offered to give you more time with him than what you've been getting and I'm not ok with anything more than that. If we were really focused on what was best for our son we wouldn't be having this discussion because I'm pretty sure divorced parents isn't what is best for him. This is probably my only child, it kills me that I won't get to see him every night. (yes, probably too much talking by me but at this point we are negotiating the separation agreement)

Her: You don't think you'll have another kid?

Me: I'm 38 I don't think so.

Her: At least you're a guy and you can if you want one. I'm the one with a timeline.

Me: Well I guess you better hurry. If I have to spend $20,000 to make sure he's with me I'm prepared to do that.

Her: Ok well I guess I'll think about that and get back to you.

Now she wont' see him again until Sunday morning. She's busy looking for a job working from home and plans to move with her mom closer to my house. Still has zero interest in being a family...I'll never understand it because we had a good life and always got along until she emotionally disconnected.

The crazy thing is after our chat on Saturday she asked me what I was going to be doing with our Son on Sunday and maybe she could come by and see him if we were around...like why on earth would I want to spend my day with Kai with her hanging around? I just told her we had plans but if they changed I'd let her know. Plan didn't change but I wouldn't have contacted her anyways.

[scout12]

If we were really focused on what was best for our son we wouldn't be having this discussion because I'm pretty sure divorced parents isn't what is best for him.

That's a great reality check for your W, Jac. Will have to remember that one if H ever tries to play a similar card.

I think you did well apart from telling her how you feel about not seeing your son every night. Not because it's not true, but because she doesn't care and will resent you for making her 'the bad guy'.

[Jac12]

Thanks Scout - she just doesn't care though about us so I have no idea if any reality check would actually hit her. It's funny because she called me selfish for wanting primary custody (although I do believe that's what's best for him based on the last 12 months) when she has been acting nothing but selfishly for 12 months.

Last weekend we agreed she would pay $1200/month (600 daycare, 600 Child support). Well she sent me an etransfer today for $600. She had enough money to pay for a $330 chemical peel but can't support her child.

[scout12]

My H has said a similar thing - that I'm keeping S from him. Which is pretty rich considering he walked out leaving me to care for S full time on my own, and refused to help out when asked when both me and S were sick!

They talk a big game but can't back it up with actions.

[ovrrnbw]

I don't like how you complained to your W that you may not have more kids. It comes off like you blame her. Same with the divorced parents aren't best for kids statement. Logic won't work. Your W will just think you are being controlling, clingy, and that you haven't heard her.

[Jac12]

Over - her and I weren't planning on having more kids. I don't think I said that in a blaming tone it was just stating the truth. The reality is that divorce isn't what's best for kids - there have been enough studies to show that. At this point I'm not trying to win her back I'm just stating the facts and being honest.

As for controlling and clingy - I only talk to her when I see her on the 2 days/week she sees our son. I don't call, text, email (unless an emergency or something she should be aware of about our son). She's on her own and I'm doing my thing.

Moving forward I'm not going to tippy toe around her. I'm trying my best to not say too much but when I have something to say I want to be honest.

Plus, we are about 10 months in and I still don't recognize this new person and there are no signs that she is close to returning.

[Jac12]

My W wants 50/50 custody of our son and is no longer willing to accept the other deal which was her being with him about 33% of the time.

During our talk she says to me: "Are you going to be ok telling our son that you kept his mother away from him?"

Like wtf? Does she not see that even at 50/50 she's taking him away from me too.

I'd love to turn the tables on her and ask how she would act if the roles were reversed: "W, imagine that one day out of the blue I tell you I don't love you anymore and don't want to work at it. Then I move out and leave our son with you. While I'm out, I barely contact you or son to check in. I also don't contribute financially even though I make 150k/year. On some of the days I'm supposed to spend with our son I decide to go hang out with friends instead and I leave him with grandma. Then when you tell me you're having a tough time making ends meet because you changed your job so you could be a full time mom, I act indifferent and still don't contribute financially. Then the doctor refers me to a psychiatrist and I choose not to go, despite admitting that I'm struggling. After 8 months of this, I then decide I want 50/50 custody. Would you be ok with that?"

I know what her answer would be. She thinks I'm being selfish - she doesn't see how selfish she's been for nearly a full year. How we have it worked out currently is fine - our son seems happy and not too affected by all this crap.

[AnotherStander]

Jac you are 100% correct that she is being incredibly selfish. You are also quite correct in that she will never see it or understand it no matter how you phrase it back to her. You can't get her to see and understand her selfish ways, you can only listen and validate and hope that some day she comes to her senses.

If she's a narcissist then she never will get it, because she can only see things from her point of view. She'll always be the "victim" no matter how cruel and selfish she's being.

[Jac12]

Thanks AS - I'll admit that I am no longer hopeful of this working out. I suppose I remain a tad open to it down the road but that's only because I still think the old version of her may come back.

She does seem to be spinning a bit now but it's so crazy that she can't see how terrible her behaviour has been for the past 10 months. She never once apologized or tried to explain her actions. She thinks she can just choose when to be a mom. It's also interesting that she only really expressed interest in seeing our son more when she got fired from her job 3 weeks ago. I guess she's bored now?

I really would like this settlement to be done with and to move forward.

We are going to meet with our lawyers and see if we can get this done without having to go do a mediator.

[Jac12]

I don't look forward to the nights my W is with our son. She stays at my house with him (convenience and easier for son) after daycare until I come home.

Tonight she put him to bed and came downstairs. She was taking her sweet time which doesn't happen much. She noticed a doctors form for an ultrasound I need to have (nothing major) and asked if I was doing ok. I just said yes I'm doing great.

I could tell she was sad though so I asked:

Me: How about you, are you doing ok? You seem a bit down
W: I'm just sad about son (gets teary)
Me: Why is that?
W: I'm sad that I don't get to see him that much.
Me: I understand how you feel.
W: I don't think you do (starts to get a little mad).
Me: Why is that? I think I understand, this is tough for all of us.
W: I just don't think you do.

After that she packed up her food she made and left without saying much else. Normally I would press her to talk and ask her not to drive home upset. This time I just said "I'm sorry you feel upset". She left after that.

She is likely expecting me to text her to check in. I won'd do that. Her feelings are not my responsibility. I feel like I was calm and kind and left the door open for her to communicate more if she chose.

All her crying just feels so manipulative. I think she even peaked up once to see my reaction. I have a feeling she thinks I love her so much that I won't fight for as much custody as I can. AS mentioned before, I have a good case for primary caregiver or full custody so it's quite likely I'll end up with more that 50/50.

How did I handle this?