Ok. I want to finish the reply from yesterday. But I need ADVICE STAT. Her shoulder was hurting a lot last night. We went out with a couple friends. We got home and went to bed. She winced when she got in bed. I reached over and gave her a nice massage. I was waiting for the recoil. It didn’t happen. I finished. Rolled over to go to sleep. She said thank you and and sounded genuinely thankful.
This morning. We both wake up. It give her another massage. Am about to get up and she initiates. We had sex. I was VERY surprised.
As R2C and Steve often say - when she is ready to come back you'll know, when she isn't you'll be confused. You are reacting too much IMO to her actions and words. Hopefully you enjoyed the sex but from here just keep doing what you are doing and work on yourself.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Ok. I want to finish the reply from yesterday. But I need ADVICE STAT. Her shoulder was hurting a lot last night. We went out with a couple friends. We got home and went to bed. She winced when she got in bed. I reached over and gave her a nice massage. I was waiting for the recoil. It didn’t happen. I finished. Rolled over to go to sleep. She said thank you and and sounded genuinely thankful.
This morning. We both wake up. It give her another massage. Am about to get up and she initiates. We had sex. I was VERY surprised.
I don’t know where to go from here
Glad to hear.
What you are doing is working. Keep doing what works.
Hopefully you get another opportunity. If so, be different in bed. Not too different, but make it a pleasant surprise for her.
For example, if you always score the first touchdown, let her score two before you score.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
For now, don't behave as if you just assume anything has changed. On the other hand, don't swing too far the other way and act cold or silent. If the two of you can laugh and enjoy one another's company, then do what works. If she seems a bit withdrawn, give her some space. If she gets cozy with you, then respond likewise........if that's what you want.
Frankly Oz, I'm little confused and don't know what you really want. I can't tell if you are trying to say what you think we expect from you, or if you are trying to convince yourself that you want out of the M. Unless there is more than you've told, I can't figure out where you are trying to go. Do you want to stay M to your W?
Here's the thing, when you are just trying to play a role someone has suggested but you can't really capture the character in your own head, then you are going to struggle knowing what to do with the next move. So that's why I asked what do YOU want? Not what does your W want. Not what does the forum say. What does Oz want?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I absolutely WANT to stay in my M. I love my W unbelievably but I have been working on letting go and accepting the fact that she may walk away. I’ve worked on being ready to be by myself. To be ready to handle an A. To be AMOAFWL. Please don’t misunderstand me. I would love nothing more than to recon. I’m just prepping for the worst. I was just curious if behave any differently now. Or if nothing changed. Can I initiate sex or intimacy now? Or just keep doing what I’m doing?
Personally, I would let her initiate AT LEAST one more time. You focus on being attractive.
When I initiate with my woman, and get "turned down", I wait until she initiates. I focus on non-sexual touches, I build up the tension. I do things that turn her on. I help get her in "the mood".
Was there kissing involved? Did she "make out" with you?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
And after we ML. She went downstairs. I didn’t know if I should go down and hold her or act like nothing happened or what. So I went on my run. When I went downstairs with my headphones on she asked “are you going on a run?!?” Kinda surprised.
I said ya because I didn’t know what else to do. TB told me if she had sex with me not to turn into mr melty man
I got back and she was cooking breakfast which is a first in a long time
She was a bit standoffish yesterday. Not bad but there was a little bit. I don’t behave any differently at all? Touching massage etc.?
I told you that could happen. IDK, but maybe it was a big step for her to initiate sex. In the past, would she initiate often? Did she have a healthy sex drive?
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I don’t behave any differently at all? Touching massage etc.?
I think we are all trying to tell you to stay in the middle of the spectrum and don't go too far on either end. I suggest you mirror her actions the next couple of days. I am hesitate to tell you this, b/c I don't want you using her actions as a measuring technique for your own behavior. Anyway, if she touches you in a non-sexual or non-intimate way........then you follow likewise. If she complains with back pain, it's okay to ask her if she would like a massage, but don't start touching her in those intimate areas, if she has clearly not encouraged you. In other words, until you have a better idea of what she wants, you let her initiate or encourage you to engage in sex, cuddling, making out, whatever.
The recent sex was probably awkward b/c both of you were trying to get a read on each other's feelings. Maybe she was checking your emotional temperature, or maybe she was checking her own feelings.........IDK. She could have just been horny..........but I think you could tell, right? I still say when a woman gives her man those long, deep, wet, open mouth, tongue kisses.........that's a good sign! But don't get over focused on that right now. I'm just saying.
Stay calm and balanced. If your W has seen positive changes in you and she is trying to make a move to see if her feelings might change, then you respond positively to her. Just don't go ape over having sex one time. Don't get clingy and start hoovering over her and making her feel like she can't breathe. Remember her saying she just wanted you to leave her alone. That's a woman who feels suffocated. Too many demands on her and too much stress. I think she likes the changes you've made b/c you've not been breathing down her neck. She has a few moments alone. Therefore, your job is to stay balanced in your behavior around her, and stay balanced in your head.
I want to remind you again, Oz, I am giving you advice based on not seeing behavior that suggests she is wayward. However, I can only go by what you report in your posts. So I am going to ask again if she is showing respect for you while in the presence of your child, relatives, friends, and when together in public. I remember you said it had happened a while back when she was putting you down, but then you said it stopped. Has there been any other occurrences? If so, then please let me know.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think she was horny and trying to figure out how she may feel. There was no kissing at all.
Ok calm and balanced. Got it. She was just complaining about her shoulder and I started rubbing it. Without asking. And she liked it and one thing led to another. Yesterday afternoon I tried it and she gave no positive signs. Even recoiled slightly so I backed off in a hurry. But I didn’t get in a bad mood or nothing.
I don’t let her mood affect me. At all. I’ve got to that point and it feels nice. She seemed very conflicted after the ML yesterday. One minute flirting with me. The next a little put off. Back and forth most of the day. This morning it’s all good mood and being funny. I’m just letting it all roll off my back and not getting pulled in.
You can probably guess that after the ML yesterday morning I was very happy. I knew not to read into it and used my run to temper my feelings. I was unsure if I should have been more affectionate afterwards but I think I made the right choice.
She has shown no disrespect at all. In private or in front of company. She is nice and considerate and respectful of me There is only the msging thing which who knows. I’m not concerning myself with it because I can’t do anything about it. I’m just working on me.
Yesterday was awkward as a whole. She brought up the past a couple times. She said something about how I didn’t take care of myself the last 10 years but acknowledged how I am now. I just listened and validated
I can tell you I’m ver glad we didn’t have sex a month ago. I wasn’t in a place where I could have not read into it and I would have went off the deep end.
She seems very cheery today. Flirty. It’s an amazing day outside. I think I will throw the frisbee with the dogs and S this afternoon maybe W wants to go
FYI. W is in constant pain. Back mostly. We have spent thousands in doctors and specialists. None can come up with concrete answer. So sex life has had lots of ups and downs. She usually initiated prolly 80% of the time
PS she has started complimenting me on my looks again. That feels nice. (Again not reading into it. I’m prepared for her to up and serve me papers tomorrow).
