Persistent Endurance (Part 5)

[neffer]

Hey C, how are things going? Give us an update please!

[curtis7]

Hey C, how are things going? Give us an update please!

I’ll give a longer update soon, but I just had to share this, seriously can’t make this stuff up.

I’m out with the kids enjoying a thrilling round of mini golf. I just received the following texts from WW out of the blue within a span of 15 minutes.

WW: “So OM3 is ignoring me now. It irritates me that he gets to control when we speak and when we don’t.”
WW: “Oh sorry that was for divorced BFF...I’ll explain if you want. It isn’t as bad as it sounds.”
WW: “Anyway...big news. Horse we’re boarding jumped out the stall window so there are about 10 people taking care of that stupid twit.”

I have no words...feeling like I’m done again. Why tolerate this any longer?

[curtis7]

Do I let her explain? TBH, her words mean next to nothing to me. She needs to show me with actions. I’m thinking about going as dark as possible and only allowing contact if it’s an emergency related to the kids.

Maybe she doesn’t understand that one of my non-negotiables is that she is 100% NC with her APs. Is this the time to tell her?

I could say/text the following to buy some more time to think this through: “I don't know what I want, I have a lot of thinking to do and I think it would be best if we are out of contact for a while."

I would really appreciate feedback from some vets. Am I overreacting that she still wants to be in contact with OM3? I also know she was in contact with OM2 earlier this week. No idea if she is setting up physical encounters or just can’t break free of them emotionally and needs to keep them on the hook. If I allow her to explain and it’s peppered with lies, then I go completely dark and NC?

[ovrrnbw]

Yes,

you need to go as dark as possible. Get rid of the horse. She should have no reason to come visit. Set a schedule for parenting. Phone calls only in emergencies. When she calls/texts and it's not an emergency you state that it's not an emergency and hang up or ignore if it's a text. She is bothered by not being the center of attention. It pisses her off that the OM ignores her, so use that to your advantage.

Maybe she doesn’t understand that one of my non-negotiables is that she is 100% NC with her APs. Is this the time to tell her?

SHE DOESN'T CARE. Saying this just solidifies how badly you want her and keeps you on the back burner. Don't text her anything about going out of contact, just show her.

She is a WW doing WW things. Why are you still tracking her comms? It only keeps you unhealthily attached. Don't "allow her to explain" just start moving on. She has never had to miss you Curtis, you've been there every step of the way.

You really need to just not see or talk to her for a while. You haven't had that in your sitch yet.

[joejoe1]

Curt,

Why, why do you want an explanation? You know all you're going to get are lies. You keep telling us what you are thinking about doing, and asking us what should you say. And we keep saying stop telling her things, show her with actions. You don't have to send warning messages. Just do what you are trying to warn her you are about to do. If she knows what's about to come, she will just prepare for it.

Maybe she don't care what your non-negotiables are. You are trying to shake her out the tree. We keep telling you to leave the tree alone and she will come down herself.

So, my advice is to stop telling her what you are about to do and do it.

Actions actions actions.

[curtis7]

Yes, you need to go as dark as possible.

Don't text her anything about going out of contact, just show her.

Don't "allow her to explain" just start moving on. She has never had to miss you Curtis, you've been there every step of the way.

You really need to just not see or talk to her for a while. You haven't had that in your sitch yet.

YES!!! You are right Over. I haven’t responded to any of her texts from last night. S8 had his baseball assessments for the fall season this morning and W texted asking who was going to watch D5. I did not respond. It’s my weekend with the kids, not an emergency, I don’t need her.

Why, why do you want an explanation? You know all you're going to get are lies. You keep telling us what you are thinking about doing, and asking us what should you say. And we keep saying stop telling her things, show her with actions. You don't have to send warning messages. Just do what you are trying to warn her you are about to do. If she knows what's about to come, she will just prepare for it.

Maybe she don't care what your non-negotiables are. You are trying to shake her out the tree. We keep telling you to leave the tree alone and she will come down herself.

So, my advice is to stop telling her what you are about to do and do it.

Actions actions actions.

Joejoe, here is the action she will feel. I don’t want to see her, I don’t want to talk to her, I don’t want to hear from her. The time has come to go completely dark. She can decide what that means and do what she chooses. It’s going to stay this way for a while or until I ever receive an apology for what she’s done to me and our family that I feel shows true remorse.

Btw, I had not registered us for Retrouvaille and have no intention to anymore. That’s an action she can take.

[sandi2]

WW: “So OM3 is ignoring me now. It irritates me that he gets to control when we speak and when we don’t.”

That's your clue right there! No, I'm not saying you should respond to her texts so she doesn't get irritated. I'm saying don't respond b/c it DOES! If OM3 was eagerly responding to her texts and showering her with attention, do you think it would bother her that "he gets to control when they speak and when they don't"? Of course not! She would be looking for OM4.

Don't give her the satisfaction. Besides, you have too much self-respect to listen that mess.

BTW, notice how she throws around that word "control".

This woman is out of control, period.

[curtis7]

WW: “So OM3 is ignoring me now. It irritates me that he gets to control when we speak and when we don’t.”

That's your clue right there! No, I'm not saying you should respond to her texts so she doesn't get irritated. I'm saying don't respond b/c it DOES! If OM3 was eagerly responding to her texts and showering her with attention, do you think it would bother her that "he gets to control when they speak and when they don't"? Of course not! She would be looking for OM4.

Don't give her the satisfaction. Besides, you have too much self-respect to listen that mess.

BTW, notice how she throws around that word "control".

This woman is out of control, period.

Sandi, being overly controlling was one of her complaints against me. I guess that’s the type she attracts.

Last time I was at her house for kid exchange I noticed two hand written notes on her fridge:
“You are toxic to everyone around you. STOP!!!”
and
“Everything in your life is a reflection of a choice you made. If you want a different result, make a different choice!”

I agree, she is toxic to me. I also agree with the second note. I want a different result, so I’m making a different choice, NC in this case.

She can get irritated or not about me ignoring her attempted contacts. NC is about protecting myself too. She can have her fantasy secret life, I’m not a part of that anymore. I have too much self-respect to listen to her feeble lies and coverups. I’m moving on.

Headed out with the kids to enjoy dinner at a Japanese Steakhouse with some friends. GAL time!

[sandi2]

Last time I was at her house for kid exchange I noticed two hand written notes on her fridge:
“You are toxic to everyone around you. STOP!!!”
and
“Everything in your life is a reflection of a choice you made. If you want a different result, make a different choice!”

Interesting! It's as if those are her sticky-reminders. They are certainly directed at herself, and with some anger.

[curtis7]

I wanted to post the email that I sent to WW a few weeks ago when I asked her to attend Retrouvaille and she said yes. I am highly unlikely to be attending anymore at this point, but wanted to share before this thread closes out and possibly help others.

W,

This has been on my heart for several weeks and I want to share it with you and get your thoughts. It's called "Retrouvaille" and it is designed for people in circumstances like ours. Either struggling in their marriages, separated, thinking about divorce, or already divorced. I learned about it from some people that have been in crisis and this helped them quite a bit. Many of them that have successfully come back from the brink swear by it and encourage people like us to go. It's not a "marriage retreat" or some kind of "love-in". From what I have learned it is designed to help couples heal, renew, and learn to communicate beyond the past that has landed them in crisis. No guarantees at all, but I would be willing to give it a shot. Seems like a safe, non-judgmental environment (that is how it has been described by those who have gone).

It's an international group with meetings all over the world. There is one in our area in September. Considering all that has happened and with BFF’s H passing, it's reinforced to me that you are the most important person in my life and that you are irreplaceable. I'd be willing to give it a try if you would. I think we both may regret it someday if we don't do everything we can to try. I would be going with no expectations, just an open mind.

It's certainly not something that I think I would have done in the past. I think most (if not ALL) of the work is individual or couple, no "group sharing". The link is below, take a look at it and please let me know your thoughts. It's church-based, but not religious.

H