So after the rope drop do you still get like second guessing feelings. Like your gut is still not sure of letting go. Well something is different. Cause I’m getting where I’m about done doing this song and dance with her
From the outside, it sounds more like you want this situation to resolve a.s.a.p. one way or the other (impatience), and less like you're so focused on yourself you don't care what she does (dropping the rope).
If I looked out my window and my wife was having sex with a stranger on the lawn I would:
A) Collapse in tears B) Wonder what happened to my happy life C) Wring my hands in despair D) Go outside to confront them E) All of the above
Or would you:
F) Think to myself "wow that is weird" and go back to what I was doing
I view Dropping the rope more about changing the emotional responses. Such as not arguing or controlling.
Quote
Of course, the reality is that both of us are actually causing the problem. Without realizing it, we are each encouraging the other to take the very stance we protest against.
Last edited by Ready2Change; 08/22/1907:15 PM.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
AnotherStander CW R2C and Steve. This is where I’m at,
1 I’m a good man. I deserve a good woman 2 I cannot change her mind I fully understand this 3 I can’t fix her. “. “ 4 when she gets crabby or in a bad mood. It does NOT phase me in the slightest. 5 I will be just fine without her (this does not mean I don’t want her) 6 we are getting along better than we have in years (laughing, talking, joking, a little flirting). We go out frequently. Take drives and such 7 we are in an almost relationship. Which I’m not interested in. 8 I need to work harder on GAL 9 she OBVIOUSLY enjoys spending time around me 10 I haven’t stuck to my 180s as well as I could have 11 6 months from now there will be a decision made. That is when looking for a new place to live will begin. We don’t like our current rental
I have become comfortable with me. I don’t need anybody’s approval. I’ve lived too long trying to gain approval from everybody
AnotherStander CW R2C and Steve. This is where I’m at
That all sounds great Oz. I think right now you might be fooling yourself a little bit, I don't think you are as "recovered" as you think you are. But that's OK, that's part of the healing process- convincing yourself you're done and then finding out a little later that you really weren't, and asking yourself why that is, and repeat. Eventually you really are done and moving on. Once you get to that point then that's often when recon pops up on the radar, but one thing at a time
1 I’m a good man. I deserve a good woman 2 I cannot change her mind I fully understand this 3 I can’t fix her. “. “ 4 when she gets crabby or in a bad mood. It does NOT phase me in the slightest. 5 I will be just fine without her (this does not mean I don’t want her)
Are you really there ^^^^^^^^^^^^^? Most of the above statements come from DB board language, which is fine unless you aren't "living" it. Are you trying to convince yourself you are the man you've described?
Quote
6 we are getting along better than we have in years (laughing, talking, joking, a little flirting). We go out frequently. Take drives and such
If you get along better than you have in years, then why are you trying to convince yourself that she is in some type of an affair?
Quote
7 we are in an almost relationship. Which I’m not interested in.
Again, this sounds like you are parroting from the board or a book.
Quote
8 I need to work harder on GAL. When will this change? 9 she OBVIOUSLY enjoys spending time around me. Soooooooooo? 10 I haven’t stuck to my 180s as well as I could have. What are your 180's? 11 6 months from now there will be a decision made. That is when looking for a new place to live will begin. We don’t like our current rental. You used the pronoun "we", so I assume you see yourself still together in 6 months? That's fine, I just don't know why it has anything to do with where you are in the MR, unless you are using that timeline to decide to live together or separately.
Quote
I have become comfortable with me. I don’t need anybody’s approval. I’ve lived too long trying to gain approval from everybody
Oz, I think focusing on building self-confidence as a man is important. You can be self-confident and save the MR, too. I get the feeling that you try to build your ego, but at the same time you think it comes at the price of your M, and that's not how it has to be. You don't have to put her down in order to build yourself upward. You don't have to find reasons to get a D in order to be AMOAFWL. I think you get easily distracted and can get rather obsessed about something. For instance, analyzing the touching. Now, you are getting obsessed about a possible affair.
.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Another stander I’m definitely more done than I was. But I think your right. I’m not as done as I think. As to your question of what I would do if I saw her having sex on the front lawn..... I would go outside. Look at her. Shake my head. Get in my truck go to a bar and order a tall lagunitas IPA. With salt. I would sit there and ponder and think. I would probably take my ring off.
R2C I’ve read it once. I’m reading the second book on your list now. About a third of the way through.
Sandi
Your first quote. I’m really mostly there. Not all the way. But what are other options that are more productive? My feelings in my chest don’t completly back it up. But they are getting there
2nd quote. We ARE getting along better than we have in years. We have become much better friends than we were. We talk easily and laugh a lot. It’s oretty easy to see she likes being around me. She is always following me around and asking what I want
