I like to think about things I've done right. Hours after WAH told me he was leaving I told him I couldn't take care of the kids. Told him I'd fall apart so I offered to move out. He said he'd pay a years worth of rent and would buy me furniture. I agreed and he told all the kids I was moving out.
The next day he sent me a text saying he was at this apartment complex and would I like to come and see it. By this time I had come to my senses so I texted back "I've changed my mind. I'm staying with the kids". He said then he was going to rent one. I said okay and offered to let him take some of the furniture until our current lease was up. Hey I don't mind sitting on lawn chairs. lol
I was in shock so I responded with this eerie calm. I shudder to think how badly this would have gone had I moved out. He moved out 3 days later and we didn't know where he was for weeks. He moved into our camper.
I was HIGHLY codependent on WAH. Addicted, couldn't function without him, pursued him relentlessly, based my happiness on him, needed constant validation, separation anxiety, fear of abandonment (ironic), etc.
In short I avoided feeling PAIN by focusing all of my energy on him.
I haven't been without a man in my life since I was 15 years old and I'm 53. Seriously. I'd go from relationship to relationship just to avoid feeling pain.
Last night I got excited because I will soon be free. The codependents out there will know exactly what I'm talking about.
When WAH first left I began making changes to get him back. Now I’m starting to enjoy my life. Codependency steals every ounce of joy. I keep doing all these things that build my self esteem. I’ve read actions build self esteem. I do things I think I can’t. I fail yes but I don’t give up. I’m never giving up.
It’s hard though. Change is painful. I keep reminding myself that the pain will end. It’s not as bad now so that’s a positive. I still worry about him going through with the divorce but that just means I’m not over him....yet.
I'm 53. How will I support myself in my old age? WAH was the primary earner for 15 years. I'll be working until I'm dead but what if I get sick or disabled? I'll get lifetime alimony yes (28 year marriage) but if I'm not working how will I make it? Both our mothers had men who provided for them. I won't have that. I figure this means my kids will get stuck with me right?
I also worry about being alone for the rest of my life. I don't have time to date and since 67% of 2nd marriages fail I'll pass. While I'd love to have a man in my life I don't think it's worth the pain.
I'm 53. How will I support myself in my old age? WAH was the primary earner for 15 years. I'll be working until I'm dead but what if I get sick or disabled?
Are you in the US? You are eligible for Social Security benefits at 62. If you become disabled you're eligible for benefits sooner. Between that and alimony I would think you would be fine.
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I also worry about being alone for the rest of my life. I don't have time to date and since 67% of 2nd marriages fail I'll pass. While I'd love to have a man in my life I don't think it's worth the pain.
First, there's nothing wrong with being alone. It's healthy, all people should have at least some "alone" time now and then. Second, I guess you mean you worry about being "lonely" rather than "alone". You can curb that by hanging out with friends or family. 53 is not old in this day and age. You can find someone else if you choose to do so. You're worried about getting married again because 67% of 2nd marriages fail? LOL! So be in the 33% then.
I’m pondering the whole I think I need a man in my life or I’m going to be lonely. Sex is great but I can live without it. I think it’s my codependency talking. Men give me an ego boost which I don’t need either right?
It will hurt when he meets someone else but everything divorce related hurts.
I’m pondering the whole I think I need a man in my life or I’m going to be lonely. Sex is great but I can live without it. I think it’s my codependency talking. Men give me an ego boost which I don’t need either right?
It will hurt when he meets someone else but everything divorce related hurts.
I think there is a difference between needing a relationship for an ego boost, and just liking the natural good vibes that flow from a positive, healthy relationship. Who doesn't like the latter?
The cure to loneliness isn't finding a partner. The cure is feeling connected to people. It's easy to confuse the two.
It took 6 weeks after he moved out for WAH to get his ducks in a row. I'm 99% sure he was going to file on May 18th. I'm 99% sure he didn't because that was the day reality hit. Money and D16 not speaking to him.
Neither of us can afford this rental house on our own. The original plan was for us to move Oct 15th. They are anxious because they are aware of the date.
I'm not going to ask him because I want as much time as I can get. They are asking if/when we are moving. What do I tell them?
I think there is a difference between needing a relationship for an ego boost, and just liking the natural good vibes that flow from a positive, healthy relationship. Who doesn't like the latter?
The cure to loneliness isn't finding a partner. The cure is feeling connected to people. It's easy to confuse the two
You're right. I'm actually feeling better hanging out with my kids who actually WANT to be with me vs WAH who didn't.
This makes me sad because it means he won't come back.
I'm being stupid though. He loved me and wanted to be with me. I just needed to get better. Verdict is still out as to whether he will give me another chance.
