OM Backed Out

[neffer]

Love and respect. That was the link between both of you.

Hugs for you
(((Tad)))

[bttrfly]

I would have kept him and let him stay, but he always wanted to go back outside. I bought a litter box for him, but he never showed any interest. Maybe I should have made him stay inside. Maybe I should have forced him to stay. Kind of blame myself.

Going to miss him.

honey, maybe you were supposed to love him and let him live his life the way he chose ??

you are a dear, sweet person with a truly loving heart. when an animal who is gun-shy trusts you it's a big freaking deal. very humbling. feel honored, because PJ did honor you.

your grief is a sign of your love. I'm sorry he's gone but I'm happy you had each other. may all the happiness you gave to each other be a comfort. xoxoxoxoxo

[tadpole1025]

Thanks all.

I just hope he didn't suffer. Can't stand the thought of him being in pain.

Wish I could've been there for him. Maybe I could've got him to the vet.

I told him all the time that I had his back...told him that daily and I meant it. I really did.

I rushed home from work every day to make sure I was there to feed him because I didn't want to let him down. That was always a fear...letting him down.

I feel like I really let him down.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Tad

I am sorry you’re feeling low and that you feel you somehow let PJ down. Grief takes time. I understand you wishing you could have been there, and done something.

Tad, you did do something. You were there to feed him and freely gave him security and love. You didn’t let him down.

An unfortunate random event happened, well beyond your control or ability to alter. You didn’t let him down

Grief takes time. Pour out whatever you need to, whatever you want to. I’m listening, and so are many other caring people.

Take care Tad.

DnJ

[bttrfly]

You couldn't be with him every minute of the day Tad. Unfortunately, this is the risk. He wanted to live a life of freedom and he loved you or he wouldn't have kept coming back to you every day. The greatest gift you gave him was letting him live as he wanted and loving him anyway.

I'm sorry buddy this is awful stuff. No words except hugs. xoxoxo

[tadpole1025]

Thanks DnJ and bttrfly.

It's been a rough day, but not as bad as yesterday. Losing a "fur baby" hurts. I feel like I did when my dog died when I was 10 all over again. When my rats died in 2014, I told myself no more pets because it hurts so bad, when they pass on. I didn't want to go through that again. PJ was not planned. He just happened and this hurt a lot more than I thought it would. When I was married, we had lots of pets, but I never really got close to any of them. They all kind of "belonged" to XW. They were all pets that she wanted. At one point, we had two dogs and six cats, but they were all ones that she wanted and picked out. They were considered "hers." I also didn't care like I do now. I think the divorce really messed me up and sometimes wonder if I'll ever be normal again...but, what is normal? I do like the person that I've become, but sometimes think I care too much or am just too sensitive.

Many people at work are saying that I should go adopt a cat from a rescue. They say it will do me some good. I want to. I really do. I'd love to give a kitty a nice home and I just might. That was the original plan for PJ, but he just wouldn't use the litter box. (I still wonder if I would have been more forceful about it if he'd be alive today. I'll always wonder.) I originally wanted to wait a while to get another cat. Don't want to get one too soon and don't want one to be considered "PJ's replacement", but I might actually do it sooner than later. See, I feel like I have no reason to be home now. I would make sure to be home every night to get PJ fed, because as I stated before, I didn't want to let him down and wanted him to know that he could depend on me. Now that he is gone, I feel like I have no reason to even come home from work. I'm single, no kids at home and no reason to come home now that PJ is gone. Kind of feel like I have no purpose. But if I got a little kitty and gave it a good home, maybe I'll feel better. Is it too soon? Isn't that like jumping into a new relationship too soon after getting out of a long-term one?

One more thing. I worry about getting a new pet because, I know it is silly, but there are two things that really bother me.

1.) If I outlive the new cat, I'll grieve all over again. I'm tired of the hurt and the grief. Seems like I've grieved for one thing or another since 2009. (My brother, my marriage, my mom, my rats, my grandfather....) The pets though....sometimes, that seems tougher. I really don't want to go through this again. My ratties in 2014 and now PJ...its too much.

2.) I'm only 51, but I do have health problems. I've already had a heart attack, a couple of episodes that could have been heart attacks, and heart problems are really common in my family on my dad's side. I'm also diabetic. I'm not at death's door, but I'm not in the best of health either. What happens to the cat if something happens to me? One of my sons has already promised to take care of it, but who knows? This is the kind of twisted stuff I worry about.

I know I shouldn't go through life like this and need to change the way I think, but I can't help it. This is how I think.

Tad

[DnJ]

Hello Tad

I think the divorce really messed me up and sometimes wonder if I'll ever be normal again...but, what is normal? I do like the person that I've become, but sometimes think I care too much or am just too sensitive.

You are kind, caring, and sensitive. Traits that at times seem far too rare in this world.

I understand your wondering about becoming normal again, or maybe it’s just accepting the new normal. Yes divorce changes us. I like the person I’ve become and I’m glad to see you do as well.

Looking at it like that, maybe “messed me up” is not really the case.

I think it is a wonderful idea to get a kitty. You are correct you are ‘t replacing PJ. Each pet has their own personality, and they don’t and can’t replace a previous pet. They bring different joy and richness to us.

How soon to consider getting a kitty? Hard to say. I believe you are ready, caring, and would love having them around. That purpose and fulfillment you spoke of. And I also do see your concern regarding being too soon and grieving.

The two specific items that really bother you, the worries and fears. They are not silly.

It is most probable that you will outlive a cat. Worrying will not prevent it. And never having a pet just robs you of that joy and the good times. Yes, hurt and pain of loss happens, it is natural. The pain is worth it, when balanced against the gains.

I am also 51. I have two dogs, one old and one young. As the old one passes, we would get another dog. In this cycle, I have buried two dogs on my property; even have their own headstones, under the shade of a dogwood tree.

When my older dog passes on, do I get another? The two keep each other company when I am at work. So yes it is a good idea. At some point I will pass. My son’s and daughter have promised to look after them, much like your son. My advice, trust your son. He knows your wishes and he will honour them. Leave it at that. Let go the worry.

I know I shouldn't go through life like this and need to change the way I think, but I can't help it. This is how I think.

This is a broad statement. Your caring, kindness, and sensitive nature - I would not change that, you should live that way. The worry and fear that drags you around, I’m sure that would be welcomed to be diminished. I do hope you see and understand that these two views need not be linked. One does not demand the other. Being sensitive does not demand worry and fear.

I think you would like to alter and change the way you think. To start, the word “can’t”. Your mind is listening to all you say - more internally than here, but still the written word usually reflects our inner self. “Can’t” is powerful and leaves no room for possibilities for change. “Can’t right now” is better and allows room to change.

“Won’t” is really the best way to think about something instead of can’t. Not in a negative manner, in the view that “I won’t do something” totally puts you in control to change it when you are ready. And that set you up for “will”. I will do that. Positive and affirming. There is no time limit, yet it is confirming and produces results. Your mind is listening; using “will do that”, yeah your mind makes that happen.

Can’t, can, will, won’t - something to think about.

My two cents, get a kitty sooner rather than later. I’m sure you will be glad you did.

DnJ

[tadpole1025]

Hey DnJ.

Yeah, I guess saying the divorce "messed me up" was not really what I meant. It did change me though. It changed me in a very big way. I'm definitely not the person I was. Not really a bad thing since I like who I am but it was a profound change....overly sensitive to so many things...animals and babies that can't speak for themselves...environmental issues...stuff like that.

I have decided to go ahead and get a kitty. (Maybe two.) I look to adopt one or two from the Arizona Humane Society. I've already talked to them and all I have to do is pick one or two that I see online and go down and pay for them and pick them up.

I hope to do it during the first week of September right after Labor Day.

I'll keep you posted.

Tad

[kml]

That's a great idea Tad

[job]

I love the idea of selecting two. They could keep each other company when you are at work. You will enjoy their antics and they will love you unconditionally.

I can't wait to hear the antics and the joy that they bring into your life.