I currently have him blocked on my Apple products mostly because it feels good. I don’t want to be bothered by him at the moment. I deleted the FB app from my phone, I have homework to do so it’s one less distraction.
This dude is so broken and has no moral compass. I guess it’s all apart of his journey. I felt really good about not reacting to the status change. He probably does want a reaction out of me but he won’t get it.
Lilly, you are spinning. Breath. Take a step back. Refocus on yourself. It doesnt matter why or what he is doing. The only thing that matters is you.
Take all of that pent up energy and go do something fun for yourself and the kids.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
I did a workout at home and made my kids cupcakes for dessert tonight. I will focus on myself. The only thing that gives me peace is I know I’m being true to myself and my values.
I sent H a few updates via email. Pictures of kids with cupcakes last night and an update from S appt yesterday. We celebrated receiving good news from S dr after 3 eye surgeries in the past 9 months.
He hasn’t returned or acknowledged an email since setting the boundary on Friday.
H did call S yesterday for an update and he gave him the update and got off the phone with him. H seemed surprised that S didn’t want to talk to him. H definitely favors D and my S is resentful from that.
The kids are both realizing in their own way how their relationship is with H, especially now since I’m not enforcing the contact from our end and prompting engagement from him either.
I sent H a few updates via email. Pictures of kids with cupcakes last night and an update from S appt yesterday. We celebrated receiving good news from S dr after 3 eye surgeries in the past 9 months.
He hasn’t returned or acknowledged an email since setting the boundary on Friday.
OK Lilly, take the hint. Your H doesn't want you emailing/ texting/ calling. Time and space is what he wants. STOP sending him pictures of the kids. If you want to inform him about a doctor's appt then that's fine, but stick strictly to business and keep it brief and to the point.
Lilly - I hope you feel good about the boundary you set. It's very common to get these strong reactions when we start setting boundaries, because our spouses are not used to this assertiveness.
I know it's hard not to worry about the reaction, but the more you set boundaries consistently, the more the other person will adjust and this will become the new normal. It does work. I know you are struggling but that's part of the process.
Have you ever heard of the concept of "exposure therapy?" Let's say you are afraid of crowds. In exposure therapy, you would gradually be exposed to crowds of people, and over time, you would learn to cope. (This is a layman's description).
Think of the strong emotions you are feeling as exposure therapy. You have been afraid to set boundaries, afraid of your H's reactions. Over time, as you continue to set boundaries, you will start to feel more comfortable and balanced. It will happen, trust the process.
I was thinking that maybe the divorce went through (I NEVER RESPONDED TO THE SERVICE). Long story short. I was thinking that the D went through maybe and that's why he changed his status. I wasn't technically served because it wasn't sent certified mail or by someone in person... My S had an emergency surgery right after (the day after) I received the mail. It was probably delivered when all 4 of us were at Disney for family vacation.
Either way I messed up big time, but I feel like I handled the situation okay-ish by being brief, seeming up-beat, and getting off the phone first.
I contacted an attorney today to answer the service and contest the No Fault. He said how do you know you aren't already divorced???
Anyway the conversation w/ H
I kept it brief, sounded sweet and just asked if anything happened with the paperwork that he filed last fall. He said no why, and I told him that a family member asked if we were okay bc of his status and I was embarrassed but I didn't know until I checked and I thought maybe he knew something I didn't. I'm pretty sure he is lying, but he said that when I deactivated my FB account, it removed his marital status and changed it to single...
Anyway he said nothing came of it and he hasn't had time to figure out what to do with the settlement that I sent him in the spring because he felt like it was unfair. I told him that I was sorry he felt that way and that perhaps mediation would be beneficial and he agreed. He said he wanted to talk later, I told him appreciated him taking my call and got off the phone real quick.
I am glad that I have some answers. Mostly about him not pursuing the D. The FB thing is probably not true. I'm going to try to google it to see if I can figure it out.
I did get in contact with my lawyer to respond to the divorce paperwork. If anything, it will buy some time. The person my H hired won’t be able to go through as it will be contested.
I have an appt Friday to go over everything with him to get it submitted.
H did reach out to me last night to ask if I wanted to go over the terms of the settlement. I think he is confused because he just said earlier in the day that he’d like to try mediation. I told him it wasn’t a good time because D was having a really emotional evening. She doesn’t understand the situation because we haven’t really discussed anything with the kids.
