So how does this mix with her MAYBE texting somebody. (I found out her sisters and my sister text her on FB messenger or am I just ignoring that still? Cause an alpha doesn’t care right
She was enjoying it (easy to tell). I worked my way down her her arm to her hand. I was there for a bit and then she said “I have to go put S in bed”.
Are you sure she was enjoying it? Sounds to me like she was maybe just tolerating it, then when you got to her hand that was too personal and she excused herself. Just be careful, I think you're applying too much pressure to her. I know it's tempting but she's not there yet.
She was letting her head droop and visibly enjoying it. She had just stepped out for a cigarette and it was done. It was past S’s bedtime and she wanted to get to bed too. Now saying that I did wonder if I took it a touch too far with the hand thing. It just seemed like it might be ok cause she put her hand in mine the other day for me to rub it.
But AnotherStander i think you might be right as well. The last thing I want to do is pressure her.
So I took your advice. I went and got some new shoes. Not the same style I would normally wear. Got some new shirts and shorts. Changing up my look some. Made me feel pretty good. I’m gonna try to revisit the hair next. Difficult with the radiation damage but I’ll figure something out. Oz
Hey Oz. Nice one mate. If you've got one of those name brand 2nds outlets near you, go there for clothes and accessories - cheap, unique and variety. Depending on your age, budget, physique and fitting in with your community style (rural, urban etc), you cant go wrong with several quality cotton fine knit polo shirts instead of t-shirts (Target is ok if you have limited choice). Go a little smaller size than usual, especially if you have a good physique, and get the ones with the elasticated bit at the end of the sleeve, esp if you have good biceps.
Ditch the boardies and go with those above knee swimming/active style shorts and colour match with the top you wear (google colour matching). Less casual would be those denim/cotton material 'cargo/chino' shorts, but without those big square flappy pockets at the bottom front. Try to wear colours that highlight your eye colour (you can google this). Try thin small knit cotton v neck sweaters - again, tight fit to accentuate. Match with chino style pants, or stylish jeans. Go for 'slim fit' style clothes, subject to whether you have a beer gut of course lol! Don't fear tasteful floral or light pink tops, polos etc. Don't worry if your mates bag you - I bet they'll eventually copy you.
Ditch the pluggers and get quality thongs or better, stylish man sandals, or even nice leather casual slip ons. If more formal, try the elastic side style boots (RM Williams style but far sleeker) and get in tan and black colours and keep them polished. Brand is Shaw & Smith from Mathers - currently on sale - they look great! I wear them to work.
Unless your W likes long hair, cut it and keep it trim and styled. I get mine done every 3 weeks now. Before it would be once every 1.5 mths. Remember what style your wife liked, then change it a little. If your wife likes a beard, grow it but trim every day. I got a Schick trimmer/razor combo from Woolies on special for $10. Trim your eyebrows, nose, ears, nails etc.
Cologne! Cologne Cologne! I'd only use on special occasions but now drown in it. I like Cool Water, Tabac or 4711. look for specials at your local chemist and stock up. If cologning, avoid overly smelly deodorant and get a neutral smell roll on for perspiration. Subject to budget, try for a new good brand chronograph wrist watch in metal.
If like me your modest ego took a punch to the guts then a kick on the way down, you will feel a lot better wearing the best you can as often as you can on the budget you can afford! Stick your chest out, back straight, and without looking like an ape, walk around like you're carrying a barrel under each arm!
Do all of the above, especially if you're going to run into or see your wife's family/friends etc. It will be relayed - trust me. Do not ask your wife if she noticed you bought new stuff, changed your style, or if she likes it.
Maybe think about adding something to your home too? Nice glass vase and some lillies in your own little corner of the house smell and look great. Maybe make a terrarium (or several) with your kids and chuck it on the kitchen bench. I'm in my own rental since a few months ago - I went all out buying homewares, decorative pieces, oriental ornaments, furniture etc. I didn't realise how much I loved this stuff, and it made me feel better, apart from the fact that my XW was a home deco wiz and I wanted to 'out G the G'. Domestically too, especially make sure you keep the toilet lid down, blu loo topped up, toilet paper the right way and roll holder always stocked. Ask me if you want any 'domestic' tips if this is one of your 180's.
Hope this helps. Good luck mate!
Originally Posted by ozman
She was letting her head droop and visibly enjoying it. She had just stepped out for a cigarette and it was done. It was past S’s bedtime and she wanted to get to bed too. Now saying that I did wonder if I took it a touch too far with the hand thing. It just seemed like it might be ok cause she put her hand in mine the other day for me to rub it.
But AnotherStander i think you might be right as well. The last thing I want to do is pressure her.
Before my XW ended it, I was often her 'personal groomer', tweezerer, and moisturiser applier, shoe putter onner etc etc,. After, this all stopped. A few times, she asked me to check something on her etc, whihc I did in a businesslike fashion. A little while ago she asked me out of the blue to check something on the back of her neck. This type of thing pre BD would usually lead to me roaming elsewhere, which she loved. As it was, I brushed my finger lightly over the area, looked, there was nothing there, I told her so, then walked off. In my view, keep it businesslike, don't show any pleasure or excitement if she asks you to do it and when doing it, and end the task without going further "all done W". Maybe even try saying sorry my fingers are sore/tired/cold. Cheers.
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Boardies, chino , pluggers Lol I feel uncultured lol. I have always been a jeans and T shirt (a lot of times band shirt. That’s how W says she likes me best) or snug wranglers and a western pearl snap with cowboy hat. That’s about all I own lol. Well now I got a few extra things from the other day lol. I could use all the tips I could get.
Hey Oz, just something quick here about touching your W. I think it is difficult for a man to touch his woman without him thinking it might lead to sex. Therefore, my suggestion for you to have an idea of how to touch and where to draw the line before she gets skittish, is to think of how you would touch someone who is off limits for sex. As some of the guys have pointed out, there are ways to physically touch without it feeling intimate to her. Rubbing her back and shoulders is okay, as long as you don't get too close to her waist line. Taking her hand to guide through a crowd, a restaurant, etc., is usually fine. Trying to "hold hands" while sitting next to her may be too much right now, if she's not ready. Touching her face, hair, and back on her neck is seen as very personal and some women feel it is intimate.
I encourage you to stick with non-intimate physical touches.........like a small touch & go. In other words, you may touch her shoulder or pat her back but you quickly move on and don't act as if it was a big deal. You don't watch her to see how she responds. Just act as if it's all natural. If you rub her back, be sure you don't take advantage and slowly work your way to other areas. Try to think of yourself as a professional who is helping his patient.
IMHO, most women (there are some exceptions) need the relationship to be good/better, in order to desire sex with her H. My advice is to work on the non-sexual touches, and when she becomes comfortable with those type of touches.......then maybe you can start touching her face or hair. Here's the thing, Oz. You need to do it quickly and step away to find something else to do after you touch her face. That's what we call "touch and go". It's important that you act completely normal and that you aren't expecting her to react. Otherwise, she sees it as pressure, and if she's not ready for more intimate touching, she'll pull away.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I’m really wondering how long I can do this. It’s like being down in the trenches, slugging it out but not gaining. When she just undresses in front of me do I just act like I’m not attracted? That seems to send the wrong msg. Like I’ve lost interest. I feel like I should just ask are you in or out? If your in then let’s do this. If your not than I want to move on cause this middle ground , this almost relationship, is tearing me up. I have done GAL more than anybody I know when I was single. I went to Cali for 3 months by myself. Walked, saw, explored, backpacked, hiked. I went to Japan for a month by myself! Walked across the entire country with a Japanese buddy. Backpacked almost 20 miles a day. I’ve seen things none of my friends have. I just don’t enjoy being by myself anymore
Why do I feel so crummy? Ever since the concert and the really good time I’m just down. I don’t know what to do differently. I’m DBing well. If I go sit in front porch to have a drink she comes and sits beside me if I go to the back same. If I go take a shower she will sometimes come into bathroom so we can visit. If I go hang out in bedroom she will come in and lie down on bed so we can chat. She said she was thinking about going swimming at sisters house. Asked if I wanted to. I said no I have things to do. After a while I asked her if she was going she said no. She bases her plans around what I’m going to do.
H I’m going to the farmers market, you wanna go? W sure go grab your coffee and I’ll get ready (She calls when I’m at coffee shop) W I don’t think we should go H well I’m gonna go W ok I’ll go too
Lol. I don’t get it if she doesn’t love me anymore and doesn’t want me. Why does she act like it? It’s not just being cordial. She enjoys being around me. I just don’t get it. Is she confused.
Is it weird I just want to rip the bandaid off. Sigh
Rant over.
Thanks
Just saw your post sandi. Thank you very much for that info. Like a lot. I’m not sure how much non intimate touching I should be doing right now either
You need to be patient. My ex took two and a half years to file for d after original bomb drop. Your at two and a half months. Your number one problem is you have a good day and your expectations skyrocket. Then you realize nothing has changed and then you become down again.
You certainly can ask her if she is in or out. My guess is that if you force her to make a decision it will end badly for you. There's a high probability she's at least having an EA. Her giving that up is like asking a crack addict to give up crack.
Focus on yourself and your son and the rest will eventually take care of itself. Time to set those expectations at zero and detach and move forward.
I’m not sure how much non intimate touching I should be doing right now either
When it is natural. She likes being touched, but not if it always leads to sex. She needs to "reprogram" her belief that all you want is sex if you start touching her.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
