My Story

[joejoe1]

BB,

We know the feeling, you are feeling. Give yourself distance from your WW.

I had to find proof as well. And I found all the proof I needed. Pics, messages and all.

I confronted my WW immediately. I woke her out her sleep as soon as I saw the proof. You don't have to do that, but for me, my WW was going to know why I started to distance myself from her. She was a cheater and now she knew I knew she was a cheater.

When you confront her with the evidence, the first thing she's going to do is, try and blame you, switch the subject. Most likely, she will say, "why were you going thru my phone". You look at her, don't say another word, turn and walk away. She now know you know. Don't try to talk her out of what shes doing. Don't blame for anything, don't say another word and walk away. She will try to come and explain herself, you don't need no explanation for why she cheated. The only words you need to hear, is w remorseful sorry and she will stop. Explanations for why she cheated comes during recon. (If that's what you want).

Don't confront the OM, your WW made the choice to cheat. The more you mention his name the more power you give him in your WW mind. I rarely ever mentioned the OM's name. After my wife and I recon, my Wife told me that she was talking about me to the OM, and he would tell her, "you not over you husband are you, you are going to back to him". Look at them, her OM was jealous of me, ain't that funny. I didn't mention him and now he's upset with her, because she's talking about her husband.


Onward and upward

[phnix]

I guess I am responding to my emotions. I haven’t done anything crazy about it. I’d like to probably meet up with this guy and well you can imagine what I’d like to do.

Thought about confronting her because she couldn’t deny it at that point and would have to admit what she is doing. If she can’t deny it then she would have to deal with it. That would mean she would have to start making a decision about what she really wants to do. This guy is married so she can’t really be with him without this getting out. It would seriously jeopardize their positions in their job.

[phnix]

Should I confront her with the information or do I need to back away so I can possibly collect more information? If I tell her then she will start using other means to communicate and I will not be able to collect more information. I may need it for legal purposes etc..
She may walk out the door who knows but I think she will still try to deny it somehow. It was a message through a game app so there is no name on it. However, you can assume it is him because he names another coworker they work with in the text. The game uses symbols in place of a name.

[joejoe1]

BB,

Depending on the state or country, infidelity has no bases in what happens in court. Judges don't care about the inner workings of the M. They will only care about the assets and kids. With that being said, states like TX divides all assets 50/50 mostly. No hassle for the judges. So don't let continue trying to collect evidence about her infidelity to use against her in legal battles.

If you don't have definite proof then fall back on confronting her. But if the proof you have is clad tight, then you don't need anymore proof. The only thing you need to know, was that she had no doubt cheated. The amount of times and with who don't matter at this point. She is cheating and that's all you need to know to move forward. So when you confront her about what she has done, you are doing so not in an attempt to beg her to stop, but to explain, that you won't tolerate the disrespect.

In the book, "love must be tough", and the doctor speakers on confronting your Spouse about cheating. If you can, read that book, before you confront her on her infidelity. It can help give you a road map to tackling that situation.

IMO, you have enough evidence, you don't need to know who the guy is, even thou you have a strong suspicion, the problem is not the OM, it's your WW. All your focus needs to be on yourself, telling her what you will not live with and tolerate. There will be a strong urge for revenge, but remember this is about your WW disrespect and not trying to get back at the OM. Forget about him.

You will have to establish boundaries, no matter if she's decides to stop or continue in the direction she's going. Your boundaries will need consequences. Most LBS struggle with implementing boundaries and holding their spouses accountable, if they cross those boundaries.

Lastly, if she denies, then you look her in her eyes and say, "you are a liar, and what you are doing is not right". Don't say anything else, don't stand around to give her a chance to manipulate you.

Take your time, and think of boundaries you can tolerate being cross, and figure out those consequences, Once a person cross your boundaries, you can't go back on the consequences, after you inform them, of what your consequences are. I use them, because your boundaries shouldn't be cross by anyone

Keep posting

Onward and upward

[Vapo]

Bballer,

what more information would you require? Catching them in the act? Even then you would be probably asking for explanation, asking if OM possibly slipped on wet floor and stuck himself into your W.

Stop with the snooping, you are only making things worse for yourself. Scramble all passwords used to snoop on your wife and stop with it. Snooping only interferes with your growth, delaying your journey. Face the music that your marriage is over. Done. Finished. Kaputt. Dead. Muerto. No more. Gone. Dust in the wind. It was over at BD. And no amount of snooping will unscrew your wife. And no, it is not OM's fault. It takes 2 to tango. Is it your fault your marriage failed? Yes. To some percentage, you are also at fault your marriage ended. DEal with it. Forgive your self. Take valuable lessons from it. You need to grow, you need to further yourself.

Stop snooping. Further snooping WILL DO YOU NO GOOD. It will only screw with your mind, and heaven knows, your mind is screwed enough ATM.

Get help for youself.

Stay< strong.

V

[IHCLACS]

Vapo is right. Snooping will absolutely stunt your personal growth, real or not, proven or unproven. I think the majority of us guys here do it for several reasons after BD. Either because we are territorial by nature, or because we want to prove to ourselves that our suspicions and intuitions are right based off of what we observeve, so we can learn what red flags to look for in the future. Its poor excuse and justification, and has no value in your self growth, but somewhat useful. But still keep a you emotionally stunted. Especially if we have had it happen to us more than once. We question whether it is because of who we are? Who we keep picking as partners, or whether it is just nature? O a result of all three. Learn from it. Write down the signs and use it im case there ever is a next time in another relationship if you see the warning signs, and move on.

[DaB35]

I agree - yes to no snooping.

I did it once but immediately regretted it. I'm in a slightly different position as I'm the one who was the betrayer. My W was the victim. I wanted to see what she'd been saying to people. I stopped myself after logging in to her iPad when I was in the house by myself. I was pleased I didn't look. Best not to know.

[SoTorn]

I was being gas lighted and horribly mistreated by my exww when she was cheating. I personally needed the peace of mind and wanted to confront her to at minimum get her to stop the gas lighting and mistreatment. I coughed up several thousand dollars for a private investigator.

It cost a lot but it was worth it. The gas lighting stopped but the lying and disrespect didn't. I felt like confronting my exww was necessary because of how badly she was treating me. I needed some relief and although it hurt, gathering the information and confronting her helped me move on.

YMMV though.

[phnix]

I totally agree. After all the information I got the other night by way of messages, I didn't even think about looking at their conversations yesterday.

I know that I want to save my marriage even with all the information that I have and the details that I know. This sounds crazy. I have shared this information with one of my parents. She has strongly advised me to not let her know that I know and that I should see an attorney for legal advice.

I know that if I see an attorney she will eventually find out and this may hurt our chances at reconciling down the road. WE don't have many assets other than our home. Both of us make the same amount of money and we both have retirement. Is there really any need for me to see an attorney? Will this make it harder to save my marriage if she finds out?
I don't think I need to be in a rush and if she ever files then I will have plenty of time to discuss my situation with an attorney.
Please give me some thoughts or experience with this issue. I really think it would hurt instead of help with bringing us back together.

[joejoe1]

BB,

Hmmmm.... Your mom will be partial to advising you on your best interest and not what's best to possibly save your M. I would limit the amount of information you tell your parents. Secondly, I agree with your mom. Seek legal advice, just to find out what your rights are if a D was to take place. The more you know the better prepared you can be.

If she finds out you went to a lawyer, you let her know, she was cheating on you. It's a good idea to wait until you seek legal advice before you disclose what you know. I went to google, looked up the best divorce lawyer in my area. I called a few and they gave me advice over the phone. I didn't have to go into an office or pay a dime to gather some much needed information to help drive some of my future decisions.

From what I have seen on this site, most people who sit on the information ends up hurting their cause, because, when it comes time for confronting their spouse, they end up looking weak because they waiting so long and was accepting of their spouse in the meantime. For example, you will continue to do one 180s, be positive to and around her, GAL, and act as if. You will treat her like a neighbor. Then when you confront her, she will say, "you knew all this time, and you treated me like blah, blah, blah. Why treat me so nice, and be so positive if you knew this. You accepted it all this time, why are you changing now?"

No More Mr. Nice Guy and tough love will have us be honest with our spouses and transparent. This way, they understand why we are acting the way we are and we are being confident and masculine. The earlier you confront, the early you can begin the process of healing.

You have to continue to detach so you can make logical decisions. You reaching out and getting legal advice, is good for you, and making her upset shouldn't affect you. We know it will, but once you are detached, you can make logical decisions.