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A Message from Michele
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Divorce because I betrayed her trust - I regret it #2861875
08/19/19 10:52 AM
08/19/19 10:52 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 407
United Kingdom
D
DaB35 Offline OP
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DaB35  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 407
United Kingdom
Hi All

First timer here. I am from the UK. So apologies for British spelling!

I have been married 3 years, and with my wife for a total of 8 years.

Our relationship was very good. We both helped around the house, we cooked together, we had very similar tastes in music, film, tv, comedy, outlook on life etc. We were well matched. She was really good for me and brought me out of my shell to a degree (and improved my dress sense!). Our families and friends all got on.

She discovered in May 2019 that I have been using p**n sites since the start of our relationship. I started using the sites before I met her, around 2008. This progressed from looking, to signing up to a few free sites, to communicating with other users, to uploading things myself, to commenting on other user's material, to messaging/emailing 2 women from one of those sites. I paid them about 60 GBP to receive some photos from them. It then escalated to me sending some pics of my exes (normal, clothed) to one of the women, and also I sent a photo of her sister to one of the women and she commented on her in a vulgar way. I am not attracted to her sister in any way - she is really quite annoying and I've never really warmed to her - but of course my wife feels rejected about the whole thing.
It is essentially an addiction, going for a more and more outrageous 'buzz' each time. I hid it from her as I was ashamed. I never asked anyone for help.

I am seeing a therapist for this now. Things are going really well and I have really made some major leaps. The addiction stems from lack of self-esteem, fear of failure, low stress tolerance, fear of intimacy etc.

She was totally distressed when she discovered everything. Stupidly, I left the windows open on my iPad, and she happened to open it when I was out at work one morning (we share each other's iPads and know each other's passwords as we share apps etc.). She went to my friend's, then her brothers, then a friends, then up to her sister in Scotland.

She asked me to move my clothes out of the house. I'm living with my parents. She is living alone in our house.

In May we kept having long (2-3hour) phonecalls that didn't really end well; she'd ask for every gory detail. It was awful.

Then in June, I saw her for the first time on June 8th. For the next few weeks things were a bit more positive. She was more affectionate and we'd meet up a few times at the house, cook together, go out for dinner together etc. We even made love a couple of times and she was texting me at work saying she thought about me a lot. I even took a polygraph test to prove I never met up with anyone and that there was nothing more for her to discover. I passed the test with flying colours. I had also been sending her my phone bills/internet activity etc., to prove I had not been using the sites. I still haven't been using the sites.

In July she suddenly didn't contact me for 3 weeks. She wouldn't respond to any texts at all except for when I needed to go up to the house to collect things occasionally for work etc.

Then on 29 July she emailed me saying she doesn't love me anymore and wants a divorce. She says I have 'rubbished' her love and cannot trust me as I lied for the whole relationship. I had chances to stop (when we met, moved in, got engaged etc.) and I didn't. She believes I favoured the addiction compared to her. She agreed that she will not fight or play dirty, and everything will be 50/50. Having no kids makes the process easier it seems.

She has since texted me to say that she is very sad. She says "It's all very final, I'm so sad it has all had to end like this, I wish things were different and none of this ever happened." She has also said "I want a friendship from this as I care very deeply about you and your happiness" and "I would like to be friends."

It was our anniversary on 3 August. I left her a present and card. In the card I said I was sorry that things went the way they did, and that I accepted her decision. I then hoped her family/friends are ok and that I loved our life together. She texted me that evening to thank me and said it "meant a lot" to get that card.

I met her at the house on 17 August. We went through every room in the house and made a list as to who will get what. We agreed about finances etc. She also wants the house on the market very quickly.

She is finding the whole thing stressful and will move in with her brother and his wife. She runs a few businesses and needs to use machinery and tools (currently in our garage) but now that we'll sell the house she can't afford to buy somewhere herself yet and so her machinery may need to go to her parents' garage which is 200 miles away. Her work life is therefore all over the place.

I feel awful. We have not been fighting recently; everything has been calm and pleasant. We even had a few laughs at the weekend.

I am taking steps to improve myself - catching up on hobbies, exercising, talking to family and friends.

She has sent off online divorce application forms already. I am dreading receiving it. I would love her to reconsider but I think she's decided this is her stance - she's quite headstrong! - and that I have to deal with the consequences of my actions which I acknowledge.

I would really appreciate any thoughts you may have.

Thankyou.


Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
Met - 30 October 2010
Married - 3 Aug 2016
Day of discovery of betrayal - 14 May 2019
Separation - started 25 May 2019
Divorce announced - 29 July 2019
She sent off Online form - 18 August 2019


Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr (met 30 October 2010)
M - 3 yr (3 August 2016)
Discovery - 14 May 2019
Sep - 25 May 2019
D bomb - 29 July 2019
Online Papers sent off 18 August 2019
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - I regret it [Re: DaB35] #2861877
08/19/19 11:15 AM
08/19/19 11:15 AM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,045
NY
Cadet Offline

Member
Cadet  Offline

Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,045
NY
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-65, D33,S32
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - I regret it [Re: DaB35] #2861879
08/19/19 11:20 AM
08/19/19 11:20 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 407
United Kingdom
D
DaB35 Offline OP
Member
DaB35  Offline OP
Member
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Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 407
United Kingdom
Thank you - I have started reading the articles and links. These are helpful.

I am trying my best to stay positive. Most of the time it is successful but of course I have times where I feel sad every day which is natural. Nonetheless, I'm making good progress with things for myself.


Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr (met 30 October 2010)
M - 3 yr (3 August 2016)
Discovery - 14 May 2019
Sep - 25 May 2019
D bomb - 29 July 2019
Online Papers sent off 18 August 2019
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - I regret it [Re: DaB35] #2861888
08/19/19 12:35 PM
08/19/19 12:35 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 407
United Kingdom
D
DaB35 Offline OP
Member
DaB35  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 407
United Kingdom
The hard bit is having no expectations!

Of course the mind runs wild with fantasies about how things might turn out, good or bad, and it's hard to not let you go down those routes sometimes. But as I say, positive thoughts - as twee and it sounds - really does help.


Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr (met 30 October 2010)
M - 3 yr (3 August 2016)
Discovery - 14 May 2019
Sep - 25 May 2019
D bomb - 29 July 2019
Online Papers sent off 18 August 2019
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - I regret it [Re: DaB35] #2861901
08/19/19 02:13 PM
08/19/19 02:13 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 212
C
crdcheck Offline
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crdcheck  Offline
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C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 212
Hey Dan, sorry to hear about your situation. Many of your W's comments are exactly what I've heard from mine. My sitch was different (worse) but the core issue (violation of trust) is the same. I'm not out of the woods yet and I'm not sure that I will be but I can share my experiences/thoughts.

I was in the same boat when it came to wanting to be friends, trying to be fair when dividing things up (I was willing to give her everything to prove that I was sorry and would do anything to get her back). It sounds like you are willing an capable of change so, assuming that's the case, then I would ask myself why you felt unable to share this with her? It sounds like there were communication issues from an early point in your relationship (which is typical) but that goes both ways. In my case, as one example, I was shamed for saying that I didn't care for my W's brother so I never felt comfortable sharing anything darker. Point is, while I own the cheating, the bad MR (and communications) ar partially owned by my W.

This isn't about blame, it's about understanding yourself and your relationship so that you can either improve them with W or someone else.

It sounds like you are already GALing and taking care of yourself so that's a positive - it is fortunate that you have friends and family around. The only other advice I'd share at this point is to validate when she's talking to you but also to keep those conversations to shorter timeframes. I can say from personal experience that trying to discuss tough topics in a new way (validating) for hours is mentally exhausting and you will undo all of the good work you do in the first 45 minutes when you snap at the 46 minute mark. As awkward and bad as it may be to break a conversation off that feels like it's going well, the alternative is worse.

Best of luck, I'm thinking positive thoughts in your direction.


M(35), W(35), D(4)
M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019
W moved out Aug 13
House sold Sept 25
Papers signed Nov 15
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - I regret it [Re: DaB35] #2861904
08/19/19 02:28 PM
08/19/19 02:28 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 407
United Kingdom
D
DaB35 Offline OP
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DaB35  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 407
United Kingdom
It was down to me being too introverted. My family are quite quiet and we don't really express our emotions very much. However my wife's family is very much heart-on-sleeve, loud, opinionated, sweary, almost hot-headed. It was a shock when I met them all the first time, particularly her sister.

Her sister gave a really bad impression to me when I met her as she had a massive go at my wife when she was my girlfriend at the time, berating her for not having a good career or sorting her life out at 23 when she was already married with 2 kids. I thought it was inappropriate to fight back for her as I was in her parents' house with her entire family there! But I've always been weary of her since then. My wife is thankfully not like that, but is always seeking approval from her sister; she's always trying to tell her how to live her life and pressuring her to have kids etc. Perhaps that was why I uploaded the innocent photo of her sister in that chat, to take her down a peg or two...? Anyway that's done.

When I was younger I always got things right. When you get older of course, you make mistakes but I don't cope with that well, I hate failure. Therefore even tiny things I'd do wrong I'd dwell on. For example, we paid 140 for new blinds in our house and I measured the window frames incorrectly. So when it came to fitting, my wife discovered only 1 out of the 3 we ordered (bespoke) was correctly fitting! She had a go at me but I really dwelt on that for months after. Hence the use of p**n - I used it as an escapism, to get out of my negative states from building up lots of instances when I'd messed up, however irrelevant they may seem. Now, my therapist is working on my increasing my 'tolerance' for mistakes - it's OK to mess up! It's how you deal with it that counts. Using those sites meant I could project a 'fake' persona and do things totally out of character with no consequences (well, so I thought). You are anonymous and "using a fake username so it's ok". Then once you 'act out', you return to normal life and go about your daily business. But then a bad thing will happen again, and then you feel guilt about acting out, so you act out again to get rid of the negative state. The brain becomes 'wired' to always going down that path to escape feeling bad about yourself.

Interesting.

I am GALing (love all the abbreviations on this site!) certainly.

She has texted today asking me to get some estate agents to value the house this week (she is abroad on holiday with friends).


Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr (met 30 October 2010)
M - 3 yr (3 August 2016)
Discovery - 14 May 2019
Sep - 25 May 2019
D bomb - 29 July 2019
Online Papers sent off 18 August 2019
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - I regret it [Re: DaB35] #2861907
08/19/19 02:53 PM
08/19/19 02:53 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 407
United Kingdom
D
DaB35 Offline OP
Member
DaB35  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 407
United Kingdom
I've kept my wedding ring on. She's still my wife, so I'm wearing it. It feels wrong to take it off. I tried not wearing it for 1 day at work, and regretted it instantly.


Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr (met 30 October 2010)
M - 3 yr (3 August 2016)
Discovery - 14 May 2019
Sep - 25 May 2019
D bomb - 29 July 2019
Online Papers sent off 18 August 2019
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - I regret it [Re: DaB35] #2861912
08/19/19 03:20 PM
08/19/19 03:20 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,581
A
AnotherStander Offline
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AnotherStander  Offline
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A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,581
Hello Dan, she's lost trust for you and that makes it very difficult for her to want a relationship with you again. I'm sure it seems like this has been dragging on forever, but it's only been a few months and it's going to take much longer than that for her to believe you really have changed. So you need to be very patient! It sounds like you've done all the right things- owned what happened, gone to IC to help you deal with it, were open with her about it, have been transparent with her since. So that's all good. Just stick to your changes and take a long-term view. Eventually she may very well decide that the M is worth a shot again.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - I regret it [Re: DaB35] #2861913
08/19/19 03:38 PM
08/19/19 03:38 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 407
United Kingdom
D
DaB35 Offline OP
Member
DaB35  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 407
United Kingdom
I like to think that is what can happen, particularly as she is really pushing the "I really want a friendship."

Even her mum rang my mum yesterday afternoon and said "at least they will remain friends." My mum was in bits. I know I have really let her down. I gave her a hug yesterday and cried with her.

I think I will enjoy just getting through things and letting my changes be obvious to her. I hope we can give it another shot, but whether she'll want to go through it again is another matter. As you say, it's been 3 months from discovery to arguments to separation to divorce.


Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr (met 30 October 2010)
M - 3 yr (3 August 2016)
Discovery - 14 May 2019
Sep - 25 May 2019
D bomb - 29 July 2019
Online Papers sent off 18 August 2019
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - I regret it [Re: DaB35] #2861948
08/19/19 06:30 PM
08/19/19 06:30 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 407
United Kingdom
D
DaB35 Offline OP
Member
DaB35  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 407
United Kingdom
Well we've already got at least 2 estate agents coming to look value the house this Saturday 24th, and possibly another on Wednesday. I feel it's all just too fast, but that's what she wants.

I'm going to London tomorrow with my best friend from school for the day so that will be a nice day out to forget about things and just try to be happ and have a good time.


Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr (met 30 October 2010)
M - 3 yr (3 August 2016)
Discovery - 14 May 2019
Sep - 25 May 2019
D bomb - 29 July 2019
Online Papers sent off 18 August 2019
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