The family he left behind is coping just fine thank you very much. Oh well his loss....
Glad things are going well. It's surprising your older kids don't realize the work behind his writing checks (CheckAmount divided by HourlyWage). It's maybe harder to observe than his mowing the lawn! Your changes seem to be sticking and you sound on-track to a wonderful future whatever your foolish WAH does.
Originally Posted by kas99
In the beginning I wanted him back immediately. I realize now that if that were to happen he'd just end up leaving again.
That's exactly the realization I've come to.
Originally Posted by kas99
Our almost 17 year old is not speaking to him. How much information do i provide him about her? Just emergencies or more?
I provide my ex-wife details when something major happens (school change, school or personal award) or when she requests it. I guess that's more than emergencies but less than everyday trivia. It's worked for us for many years. We're happy with the info exchange rate we have.
D16 knows he works hard for us and we are both grateful that he continues to support us in the same manner he did before he left. It was just that one stressful day that she complained.
WAH is having doubts but only because of the kids not me. I don't think he's decided if he hates me more than he misses them. As far as my changes this is the longest I've ever made it in terms of managing my mental illness. My record is about 3 months but it was HARD!!! I'm now on an anti depressant so yes my changes are sticking. The DBT class teaches me life skills, there is homework and I'm practicing.
4 months isn't long in the grand scheme of things. Every day I do things I'm proud of and I wonder how different my life will look in 6-8 months.
I've been struggling with finding that balance in terms of D16 since she isn't speaking to him. I've decided that unless it's an emergency there is no reason to communicate much else. She will be 17 soon which makes her almost an adult. If he wants a relationship with her he has two choices. Reconcile with me or wait until she's ready to forgive him. Therapists say most kids like her will be more accepting of the WAS when they get into their early 20's.
The past 2 days have been hard because my 28th wedding anniversary is Sunday. I'm beating myself up over how badly I screwed everything up. I picture his face full of hatred. I'm typing this as I'm having on of those moments that will pass. My mind is all over the place. Truth is I have a decent shot that he will try again. There isn't anyone else and I know him. I'd be divorced RIGHT NOW if he wasn't having doubts. We have no major assets, no debt, nothing to sell, kids are teens, this could have been done after the 60 day waiting period. I'm far from out of the woods though. He's on the fence and could go either way at this point.
His doubts are from the new meds. I don't see or talk to him but he knows I've changed. The million dollar question is can I make it stick??
I'm beating myself up over how badly I screwed everything up.
You also remarkably took steps to become full again. For my ex-wife (years ago), my leaving AND taking primary custody of the kids wasn't the 'low' she needed to change. Congratz on winning back your kids.
This all started because he said I couldn't take care of the kids by myself. I just couldn't let him beat me. I'm an overachiever by nature and those are fighting words. lol
I’m half joking. It started as me proving a point but it has since morphed into I like who I am now. I cry happy tears when my kids tell me how proud they are of me.
This is the hardest most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. I lost my best friend and the love of my life. I pray I get another chance.
I'm full of crap btw. WAH told me what an awful, horrible person I was. His mercy was limited to the part where I am the mother of his kids. He contacted an attorney the very next day, moved out 4 days later, and proceeded to spend the next 28 days getting his ducks in a row. He was right about me so I didn't fight him. I came up with what I thought was a fair settlement and that angered him so I backed off. I told him as long as I wasn't destitute I would agree to whatever he thought was fair. I sent him my post divorce budget which he said was fair so he came back with an offer of $300 less a month than what I asked for but said it was negotiable. I offered to do a budget for him too since I paid the bills for 28 years. This all made him happy with me.
He ended up switching attorneys a month after he left. He paid the retainer and I mentally prepared to be served with papers. The next 2 weeks turned into "life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." He will be fine but I don't think he realized just how much "life" costs when paying for two households. It was also during these 2 weeks that D16 stopped talking to him (she hasn't spoken to him since).
Meanwhile I had gotten an emergency appt with my psych nurse who called me in an anti depressant/anti anxiety med. Now this is where I'm full of crap. Mental illness means I had little control over my thoughts and my behavior. The pop psychology of "just stop" shows the level of ignorance prevalent in our society. I could not stop no matter how hard I tried. I'm sensitive to meds so within 3 days the fog lifted and I was able to see/feel what I'd put WAH through. I got it. I understood it. This helped me cooperate fully with him and I focused on repairing my relationship with the kids. I also began to change my life as well.
So back to WAH....I heard from my kids that he was unhappy with the life that didn't line up with his plans. Now I'd asked him many times to reconcile stating that I was no longer depressed or full of anxiety. I got a flat out NO it was too late. Once I think he said the meds would be the ONLY reason he might...maybe...consider when hell froze over to reconcile. By the end of month two he still hadn't filed and he'd upgraded to he might....maybe consider reconciling down the road....someday. I didn't talk to him for two months after this conversation.
D16 was in the hospital and he overheard me say something bad about him. Yeah I'm medicated but I'm still human. For the record he was very angry before this happened so it's not like he was singing my praises either (the kids talk). Would he like to be the pot or the kettle today? Regardless I apologized, took complete ownership of what I'd done and promised to fix it. Since then my motto has been if I have nothing nice to say about him then say nothing at all (barring my support team). This turned out to be another level of me changing into a better person. I began to apologize for specific behaviors that I'd done during the D process and fixed them. I thanked him for giving me the opportunity for growth and change. I meant it then and I mean it now. Things like expecting him to fix my car. He agreed to it but I realized I needed this was on me. In all I apologized for about 2-3 things in ONE email. He never responded but based on what the kids say I think he's not as enraged as he was a month ago.
My point is that "change" isn't always possible without proper medication. I'm in a support group and we are all taking meds to aid in life altering "change". Our brains need to be calm enough to do the "work". Meds have changed me for the better. I'm no longer "faking it". It's real. It's easier. It's sticking.
I don't know if WAH will come back or not. I do believe he is having doubts based on new meds/my legit changing and our kids testimony. He will NOT come back for them. Ever. He's on the fence and for now has made the decision to not make a decision.
**writing because I'm at work and can't cry. I need to get in a better place before I go home**
If WAH were to ask what should he do 80% would tell him to run far far away from me. File. Don't pass go. Don't collect $200. Just file. They'd tell him I'm abusive, toxic and that I will never ever change. They'd tell him he deserves to be happy and there are plenty of women out there that would appreciate him more than I do.
He's not happy now. He might be happy later I don't know. He misses his kids. They are teenagers and him leaving put him in a time machine and fast forwarded his relationship with them from teenager/father to adult/father. He sees the two that are still speaking to him once a week for dinner not unlike how it will be when they move out.
S19 doesn't text or talk on the phone so there is very little communication between visits. That's just how he is and he acknowledges that he is the reason he doesn't see WAH much. He doesn't hate him or anything he's just a teenage boy. Me on the other hand live with him so I have dinner with him 6 nights a week. I get nightly chats 1-2 a week. He's also teaching me how to drive his car so that's another 3 hours I get with him.
If he divorces me we will both lose a kid. I'll be back later. It's 5pm
kas - I have not really been keeping up with your thread. Just a simple reaction:
"They'd tell him I'm abusive, toxic and that I will never ever change."
People are not abusive and toxic. People engage in abusive and toxic behaviors. I hope you understand the difference. It is the path to my own personal change.
I do understand the difference this is just what people say. I was sick. C-PTSD from childhood trauma. Until I got the right combination of meds I couldn't control my anger no matter how hard I tried.
WAH has a best friend who has been married 4 times. I imagine him filing his head with "she will never change".
S19 has dinner with WAH on Tuesdays (the day of my therapy group). S19 starts college Monday and now Tuesdays are not good for him. He said Thursday and Friday would work better based on his schedule but those are the days I cook his favorites. D16 was nearby and she nodded her head saying she does the same thing. She prefers to stay home on "salsa Fridays" vs hanging out with her friends. Saturdays are her friend night.
