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A Message from Michele
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Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862262
08/21/19 04:13 PM
08/21/19 04:13 PM
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kml Offline
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I don't know what it's like in your area but several years ago when I was OLD it seemed that OKCupid had much more hip, tech savvy people and POF was more people who weren't quite as in step with the times. Certainly I'm sure these days there's probably not many young people on either, they've probably all moved to newer platforms. So consider looking at newer platforms. Paid sites like Match may have weeded out some of the frank scammers but otherwise seemed to offer the same people in my neighborhood as the free sites when I looked - again, younger people like yourself seem less likely to sign up for Match. I do like the OKCupid matching algorithms as they ask a LOT of questions and in my experience, people who were a high percentage match for me did seem to be compatible.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862271
08/21/19 04:55 PM
08/21/19 04:55 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,555
Midwest
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DonH Online
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Having nearly 25 years in as a firefighter, even though I was a much, much better paramedic and firefighting just came with it, knowing the common causes of fires, and reading between the lines... I know what you are thinking. It certainly is a possibility but several neighbors heard explosions, and a vehicle was totally destroyed - the source could very well be the vehicle. They may never determine it and also having worked with a large variety of fire investigators - a guess is often the best they can do - even though their guesses carried some level of authority.

For sure if the X wants to get M, force a drug test. That would do it faster than anything.

I really hope you will give it some time - at least a few months - before dating - especially OLD. Nothing good will come from doing it now. You are still grieving and the lure of having someone - anyone - will be far too great. It's been said it takes 1/3 of the time together to 100% get over someone (until the 10 year point). So give yourself a few months. Do what you said - what I've heard you say for years now - get back in shape, stick to a regular exercise plan, eat right. We've talked about actions over words. You've been saying these words for a long, long time now - it's time for action and let the dating follow after that.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862277
08/21/19 06:13 PM
08/21/19 06:13 PM
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Such good points as always. He couldnít provide to me what I would have provided to him. It would have been another one way street. Which is no good.

I would have sent it anyways and I donít regret it. It was the right thing for me. And I havenít gotten a response and I donít care for one. I havenít even been checking my phone for it.

I can only speculate and maybe itís not fair to speculate that he caused the fire on accident. Thatís an awful speculation. I hope they show that isnít it but he might be thinking it himself. I got myself an inside with a firefighter who is going to find some stuff out for me.

Of course canít stop thinking about his son. He will come home to find out his dog is dead, his fish are dead, his house is destroyed AND his bonus mom and bonus sister are out of the picture. He doesnít know that yet.

So so so sad. I want to be there for the boy. I canít.

I am pretty sad today. But I am back on track. Iím pretty tired though.

Oh, and I wore a maxi dress today and a bunch of people told me I look beautiful .

Except the one housekeep on our unit. She asked me if I was pregnant. I told her ďnope, just fatĒ

You win some, you lose some, I guess

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862285
08/21/19 06:45 PM
08/21/19 06:45 PM
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DonH Online
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
Except the one housekeep on our unit. She asked me if I was pregnant. I told her ďnope, just fatĒ


OMG Ginger - this is why i love you! Totally awesome response - especially off the cuff like that. Some people are too stupid to even know they just got burned and put in their place - let's hope she figures it out! Perhaps adding "But thanks for noticing" would have put the cherry on top!

FWIW I likely would have sent the text as well. But then I also would have answered - at least with a quick thank you. I'm often friends with those I've dated. I've loved only three or four - maybe five, and don't really keep in touch much with them but I would not hesitate to reach out in time of need like this. The only downside is you had him blocked and now you don't. You were really not thinking of him and now you are. You knew that keeping him out of sight and out of mind was best and it was working well for you. The fire kinda killed that for you. Perhaps block him again by this weekend? Not even a response, however, speaks to who he is.

I also didn't stop to think about his son and him not knowing about you and D11 being out of his life yet either. Yeah, that stinks for him, and it's again why bringing kids into the picture can be so difficult - but in this case, after nearly a year, it was totally appropriate to do - at least from your end - M perhaps should not have knowing what he may have known deep down. While it's a life lesson and those often make us who we are, it's a tough one for a little boy.

Does D11 know what's all gone on yet?


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862299
08/21/19 07:25 PM
08/21/19 07:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
Such good points as always. He couldn’t provide to me what I would have provided to him. It would have been another one way street. Which is no good.

I would have sent it anyways and I don’t regret it. It was the right thing for me. And I haven’t gotten a response and I don’t care for one. I haven’t even been checking my phone for it.


I know you would have sent it even if every single person suggested not to, which again, just speaks to your true, loving, caring, considerate nature. It isn't a bad thing at all, just an observation.

Originally Posted by Ginger
I can only speculate and maybe it’s not fair to speculate that he caused the fire on accident. That’s an awful speculation. I hope they show that isn’t it but he might be thinking it himself. I got myself an inside with a firefighter who is going to find some stuff out for me.


I get why you would speculate in that way, truly I do. And, while you realize it is an awful speculation, it is grounded in a bona fide reason for thinking that way, so I really get it. But, why do you need someone to find stuff out for you? To what end? It isn't going to change the outcome and while you are sad about the whole thing (understandably so), it just isn't yours to fret over anymore. You reached out to him and as Don pointed out, M's lack of response speaks to who he really is and that is just not someone you want to deal with. You can feel bad for his situation from a distance.

Originally Posted by Ginger
Of course can’t stop thinking about his son. He will come home to find out his dog is dead, his fish are dead, his house is destroyed AND his bonus mom and bonus sister are out of the picture. He doesn’t know that yet.

So so so sad. I want to be there for the boy. I can’t.

I am pretty sad today. But I am back on track. I’m pretty tired though.


Again, all of this speaks to your lovely, caring, kind nature. You are a good woman and you love strongly and deeply and that is beautiful. I dare say that is a pretty rare quality in the world today. But, yeah, feel those things then put yourself back in the driver's seat and move forward.

Originally Posted by Ginger
Oh, and I wore a maxi dress today and a bunch of people told me I look beautiful .

Except the one housekeep on our unit. She asked me if I was pregnant. I told her “nope, just fat”

You win some, you lose some, I guess


I'm sure you looked beautiful and to heck with that one housekeeper. Some people miss golden opportunities to just shut up, don't they? You, my friend, are NOT fat so don't tell people that anymore. I have seen pictures and you may feel fat because you aren't happy with your body right now, but you are so far from it.


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862311
08/21/19 08:33 PM
08/21/19 08:33 PM
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You all are so kind. Iím not feeling too hot about myself right now, but I am feeling excited to be actively making changes. Like I always say, you should never ask someone if they are pregnant unless you see a head crowning.

I imagine he didnít respond because he is just going through too much turmoil. It was much easier for me to have blocked everything. I am going to stay like this until his son gets home. But Iím not looking for it.

I am generally sad this man I was with for a year and was a part of his life, can really just whatever me that easily. Although Iím not all that surprised. Itís just sad and almost like the last year didnít mean anything or even happen. To me it did. Thatís why I am so sad for all of them, especially his son.

It only dawned on me today in the sad news he is getting, that no more me and D would also be sad for him. Itís a lot of loss at once.

D11 knows we broke up and was very sad but handling it just fine because I handled it just fine. She doesnít know about the fire or the dogs death and when it came up on the news I jumped up and shut the TV. She would be beyond devastated if she found out the dog died. She loved her. We vacationed with her.

Everything just feels so weird. Out of place. Disjointed. Yet Iím ok. This past week has just been a whirlwind and a lot of emotions and really confusing.

Oh, and as far as OLD. I am not ready at all. I was just seeing whatís out there. Doesnít look good. And Iíve had bad experiences of OK Cupid. A bunch of pervs in my area. And I swear, everyone has a gym pic of them flexing. Itís a hard no for me. Bumble was where I met M. I was kind of shocked, I didnít think I would have success there.

Maybe the good lord will grant me my dream of meeting a great guy organically. And he will he divorced for a few years, kind of good looking, awesome kids, a good job, and emotionally available.

A girl could dream, right ?

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862328
08/21/19 09:43 PM
08/21/19 09:43 PM
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I also just realized he may have blocked me and he never got the text.

Thought about emailing him for a minute but probably not a good idea

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862333
08/21/19 10:02 PM
08/21/19 10:02 PM
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Posts: 14,887
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kml Offline
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Nope, don't email him. If he wants to hear from you and he's blocked you he'll unblock. Much more likely that he is just in his own sh!t and can't be bothered to return polite messages OR doesn't want to give you any false hope. You did the kind thing now stay out of his business.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862338
08/21/19 10:36 PM
08/21/19 10:36 PM
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Youíre right.

Iím just having a bad day.

But I guess he is having a worse one

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862387
08/22/19 10:59 AM
08/22/19 10:59 AM
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Yesterday was not a good day. Today will be a better one. I posted a meme on FB that really hit home .

Terms everyone needs to come to

1) no response is a response
2) if they wanted to, they would
3) not everyone has the same heart as you

And itís very simple but summarized everything.

I increased my dose of my new sleeping pill and slept better. I hate taking stuff but I need my sleep.

Yesterday D11 didnít have cheer because of thunderstorms so we picked up some stuff for her book project, I got her Chinese food ( not me) and we did some stuff together around the house, going to put our pictures up in the cool frames we got. Iím the car, she was talking to her stepmother about her dads 40th birthday party they are throwing this weekend. Yup, heís going to be the big 4-0. It was weird hearing them plan it and hearing of this whole other world. Many of these people I once knew and D11 is shocked because she canít remember me knowing them. I hope they all have a great time. I wonít be seeing her until Monday.

I was dumb and browsed on bumble and matched with this guy and actually sent a message. He has the same name as M, lol. Seems cool. I have no idea why the guys are much more attractive on there, but they are. And I matched with some incredibly attractive guys. But the pickings are slim. Many want more kids or have no kids around my age and they want them. And that isnt happening. Just a little browse.

Itís hard to reconcile being a part of someoneís life for a year and them having completely out in the blink of an eye. That part is tough for me. But I still donít miss him. I canít explain it. It guessing I was feeling so frustrated and resentful in addition to seeing things that would have not worked for the long run. But a big part of my life just disappeared and that left a little bit of a hole.

I may try a kickboxing class tonight. Itís been over 2 years, but why not.
I lost 3 lbs in 2 days. Yay! We had a beautifully catered lunch yesterday and I said no to the cookies and to the most delicious pasta dish ever. I am serious this time. 17 more lbs to go. I can do this.

I just need to believe in myself and what the future might hold. There has got to be a reason why my marriage ended so young and when it did. Why I remained virtually single for 11 years with a few exceptions. Why I never got the chance to remarry and have more children. Why I am without a partner. I canít imagine itís because Iím not worthy of one. I keep hoping that the universe is holding me out for the greatest love I could ever possibly imagine.

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