maybe update your sig when you get a chance with some stats.
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I agree, but what is she trying to manipulate me to do?
Also, she said that in MC. From what I’ve read on here our MC isn’t anything like what everyone else is going through. This is more like an intense MC. He is very, very good.
Everyone thinks their sitch is different, but they are usually quite similar. She said that to you so that you would work on what she wants you to work on and you are REELING! You think there's a chance... the best thing you could do is slightly open your mouth, shake your head twice and say "Uh huh, well I want what's best for the kids."
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I felt she was comfortable enough for me to ask her to send a picture of her at her cousins wedding so I could see how pretty she looked in her dress. It would be weird sending them to me because were separated.
It almost seems as if the pursuit isn't working? Have you considered pursuing harder? Maybe text her every hour? Billboard? TV ad? Haha you get my drift? You need stop feeling so much and start thinking. Pursuit isn't working. She is separated. That ACTION tells you everything you need to know about her position in regards to a romantic relationship with you.
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She only wants to have R conversations in MC. That’s just not enough for me emotionally, but I am trying to continue to work on detaching. I still like to have them, though.
If you want to run her off as quickly as possible, you can continue this path. What do you think is going to come of this? She probably wonders why you can't hear her, and frankly I am too. I wouldn't even discuss it in MC. Just let her talk and you listen. Keep your feelings to yourself. Quit being her adversary. Quit being her H. Just be a "co-parent" and move on with your life. Where is your GAL. You should be out and about A LOT.
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so we won’t get in again until late next week, so that’s 3-4 weeks of no therapy which is not a good thing
Negative mindset. Who knows if that is true or not?
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That’s a bad thing because I’m sure her parents are very negatively influencing her on our relationship and neither of us have had anyone to talk to for almost a month.
More negative mindset.
You are all over the place. You are in the middle of a divorce. Who filed? It seems like you are pushing it along, no? Just respect her choice to separate. Do your own thing. Stop pursuing. This is not in your hands. Let it go. Woosah. Put all this energy you have into work, gym, social life, build something, play a sport, get a new haircut, lose weight, reinvent yourself, get back to your roots. Get it? Quit playing the victim. And after you do that for a while you'll want to change that name from HurtHusband to HappyMan.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Everyone thinks their sitch is different, but they are usually quite similar. She said that to you so that you would work on what she wants you to work on and you are REELING! You think there's a chance... the best thing you could do is slightly open your mouth, shake your head twice and say "Uh huh, well I want what's best for the kids."
I’m not saying my situation is different. I use the fact that it’s very similar to my advantage. I was just saying that I think our MC is different based on what I’ve read on here. It seems to be very helpful when we are in there. I am doing that in MC. I don’t really speak unless it is to ask for examples to understand. I then validate and apologize when necessary. It’s been very good. I have also had the opportunity to let her know all I want is what’s best for our son. Right now, she feels D is the answer. Both the MC and I feel that it is not, so we are working through her issues.
I know she’s not ready to listen to mine yet, but I did feel like she was close.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
It almost seems as if the pursuit isn't working? Have you considered pursuing harder? Maybe text her every hour? Billboard? TV ad? Haha you get my drift? You need stop feeling so much and start thinking. Pursuit isn't working. She is separated. That ACTION tells you everything you need to know about her position in regards to a romantic relationship with you.
You are right. I usually don’t have many feelings, until I wen through this situation. I’ve felt more feelings than I even knew I had! I’m learning new ways of dealing with them. I feel like my pursuit is only in talking about our R, which I know I shouldn’t be doing. As long as we are having good conversations and moving in the right direction, I don’t need too. It’s only when she’s mad at me that I feel like I need too. I’m working on that now.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
If you want to run her off as quickly as possible, you can continue this path. What do you think is going to come of this? She probably wonders why you can't hear her, and frankly I am too. I wouldn't even discuss it in MC. Just let her talk and you listen. Keep your feelings to yourself. Quit being her adversary. Quit being her H. Just be a "co-parent" and move on with your life. Where is your GAL. You should be out and about A LOT.
It’s been hard, but she has told me that she doesn’t care about my feelings, so I’ve stopped showing them. I’m still in the process of lovingly detaching, but it is hard! I do need to quit being her H, but I just don’t know how to do that. Any advice?
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
You are all over the place. You are in the middle of a divorce. Who filed? It seems like you are pushing it along, no? Just respect her choice to separate. Do your own thing. Stop pursuing. This is not in your hands. Let it go. Woosah. Put all this energy you have into work, gym, social life, build something, play a sport, get a new haircut, lose weight, reinvent yourself, get back to your roots. Get it? Quit playing the victim. And after you do that for a while you'll want to change that name from HurtHusband to HappyMan.
I am trying not to be all over the place. Honestly, I’m trying to be consistent. Thank you for pointing this out to me. She filed for D and I am definitely NOT trying to push it along. I want it to stop!
I definitely have a life. I actively work out, play golf, hang out with friends and travel somewhat. My GAL activities are great. I even use work as GAL. It is not in my hands and I am trying to just let it go.
Thanks for the advice. I am truly just trying to do all that I can, including nothing, to fix this situation.
H,She said she can't send you pictures because you're separated and then in the next sentence you say she dropped mentioning separation or divorce.
What are discovery papers? Is that a typo and should be divorce?
From my brief scan of your last few posts it sounds like you are giving her total control and she is manipulating you.
What's happening in MC that you are seeing positive signs?
I can see why you would feel that way, but I meant that she hadn’t mentioned S or D until that point.
Discovery is something that happens during the D process.
In some ways I am giving her total control. While that doesn’t make her sound good, that’s part of her healing process. I’ve seen this happen when she gets upset with friends or family. She just wants the control. I don’t think it’s NMMNG, as much as it is just her personality.
Why do you feel she is manipulating me? I’m not arguing with you, I just want to understand better so that I am more prepared.
In MC, she is not mentioning either S or D and even talking about what the future looks like. We are working through issues and have been able to have much better conversations. That recently changed this weekend because of all the things I mentioned. She hasn’t had our therapist to speak too.
I guess I am more confused now. Why are you going to MC when she has already filed for D? Giving you false hope while still pursuing the D is manipulation.
Who initiated MC? And what is the stated purpose for you guys to go to MC currently?
If your W has filed, you are totally in the LRT mode: 1. Stop pursuing (COMPLETELY) 2. GAL. 3. Wait and see.
Don't contact her about anything. I'm really not seeing the point of MC so maybe you can help me out there.
She doesn't care about your feelings, but you want to text her all the time and have her send you pics of her? She prolly has some dude she's sending those pics to. Just keep that in mind when you think you want to act like her H. Just don't do anything a H would do for her. Don't worry about her, don't need to help her, don't need to listen to her long stories, don't need to text her back often or at all, don't call her...does that make sense?
There's no little talk or text you can send to make her feel like trying with you. When she sees you are totally fine without her she may wonder why you don't want her anymore. Maybe. Just go grab life by the balls and forget about her for the time being.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
No we went to MC after she filed. For a while, she called it coparenting. We never talk about our son or parenting, so it’s not coparenting. She just couldn't tell herself it was MC. When she can, she will use it to say she is working on our marriage brcause she is going to counseling. She is also seeing our therapist in IC too.
My W seems to be doing the opposite of what you’re supposed to do in situations like these. She’s been spoiled and not allowed to grow up and handle any type of responsibility. Her parents are very controlling and decided they were going to move in with us when our son was born. I tried to stop it, but I wasn’t able to get her support because she wanted them there.
They are the reason we are still separated in my opinion.
Originally Posted by LH19
H,
I guess I am more confused now. Why are you going to MC when she has already filed for D? Giving you false hope while still pursuing the D is manipulation.
My wife did. It’s not the same type of MC that I’ve seen on here though. It’s been VERY good and VERY helpful for both of us. Our purpose is to get her to the point of wanting to work on our marriage.
I get the LRT and I need to do a better job of it, but it’s just hard.
This type of MC has been the very best thing we could do to heal our relationship .
I can understand why you feel that way, but I don’t text her all the time. I hardly text her at all. I know she’s not cheating, so I guess I’m in that exclusive club. She may be having an imaginary affair, but nothing emotional or physical.
I haven’t heard not to do anything g a husband would do before and it makes sense. I’ll use that to justify not doing anything for her. I don’t do anything that you mentioned at all, except worry about her. I worry about her because I can’t help it. She doesn’t know that though.
She has severe depression. I brought her out of it, but she’s back in it now. She always looks so tired and her eyes are like glass. There’s nothing in them anymore.
What you said makes sense. We just talk during our webchats with my son. I’ve decided to stop talking to her there too.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Who initiated MC? And what is the stated purpose for you guys to go to MC currently?
If your W has filed, you are totally in the LRT mode: 1. Stop pursuing (COMPLETELY) 2. GAL. 3. Wait and see.
Don't contact her about anything. I'm really not seeing the point of MC so maybe you can help me out there.
She doesn't care about your feelings, but you want to text her all the time and have her send you pics of her? She prolly has some dude she's sending those pics to. Just keep that in mind when you think you want to act like her H. Just don't do anything a H would do for her. Don't worry about her, don't need to help her, don't need to listen to her long stories, don't need to text her back often or at all, don't call her...does that make sense?
There's no little talk or text you can send to make her feel like trying with you. When she sees you are totally fine without her she may wonder why you don't want her anymore. Maybe. Just go grab life by the balls and forget about her for the time being.
Ok so I scanned through your entire thread and am even more confused now. Early on you agreed she was most likely having an affair. To the point you even knew who it was with. Now your stating you know she's not having an affair.
As for MC it is very common for WW to try MC to say they have tried anything. Nobody files for divorce and then goes to MC to work on their marriage.
Sounds like you try new things and they don't work you so you try something else. When you get to this point it is consist strong actions that equals progress.
I'm not sure if based on some of the things you posted that you are naive or delusional. You claim your not a "nice guy" but an alpha male. An alpha male would never chase a woman who is rejecting him.
No one here thought my wife was cheating, which is why I changed my mind on it. You guys are the experts. None of our friends or family feel that way either. Our MC doesn’t think so and I’ve even brought it up on multiple occasions.
I understand what you’re talking about when you say she’s trying to say she’s done everything and you very well may be right. But I don’t think we would have this many sessions and I don’t think she would be seeing this person individually if that were the case. However, I do keep that in mind.
When she filed for divorce she said she wasn’t sure if she wanted to do it or not. She said I made her mind up by coming home, which I agree is nonsense. In addition, I feel she is very immature and doesn’t have any responsibility.
As far as being alpha, I feel that there is a fine like between being an alpha and being a jerk. I messed up with my actions and need to show humility, sorrow and remorse. I feel that even an alpha can be humble, sorry and remorseful for their actions, which is what I’m trying to be now. She’s always known I’m the alpha when we go somewhere or do something, she’s just really mad at me right now. I might’ve been too much alpha! I don’t know when that will change because I’m not only dealing with her, but dealing with her parents too.
It’s a very similar situation, but somewhat different because of the heavy parental involvement.
Originally Posted by LH19
H,
Ok so I scanned through your entire thread and am even more confused now. Early on you agreed she was most likely having an affair. To the point you even knew who it was with. Now your stating you know she's not having an affair.
As for MC it is very common for WW to try MC to say they have tried anything. Nobody files for divorce and then goes to MC to work on their marriage.
Sounds like you try new things and they don't work you so you try something else. When you get to this point it is consist strong actions that equals progress.
I'm not sure if based on some of the things you posted that you are naive or delusional. You claim your not a "nice guy" but an alpha male. An alpha male would never chase a woman who is rejecting him.
