Sounds and smells like gaslighting to me. She still wants you on that rope. Let it go, so you can see her motives logically. If she wanted to work on the M, she would put in the efforts and show the actions of a person ready to fix y'all relationship.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
HrtHusband, I've had a healthy co-parenting relationship with my ex-wife for two kids since my son was two. It requires minimal communication.. probably 30 minutes each quarter and 5 minutes each week.
There is not a whole lot you have to agree on. I'm with Sandi on:
Originally Posted by Sandi
I dare say that her view of you communicating and co-parenting with her, is not the basic rules of communication needed for co-parenting one child. Just b/c she labels it part of co-parenting or communication, doesn't make it so. I think she may be wanting to go a bit extreme under the heading of co-parenting. Since when do you have to measure up to her standards of co-parenting..
I just listened and validated I used words of encouragement and support too. I told her that she just keeps pushing me further away and I’m almost done.
Huh? Those two sentences are contradictory.
Last edited by Steve85; 08/05/1901:07 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So my W wants to say that being in coparenting will help us build our communication, trust and consistency enough that she might think about working on our marriage.
She said during the time I was upset with her, she was the only one working on things. So now it’s my turn.
Thoughts?
WORDS WORDS WORDS
Believe nothing she says. She says what is expedient to get what she wants at the moment. Do not be manipulated.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I’ve tried to just stay calm and continue to lovingly detach. It’s been very hard to do.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by HrtHsbnd
I just listened and validated I used words of encouragement and support too. I told her that she just keeps pushing me further away and I’m almost done.
I agree, but what is she trying to manipulate me to do?
Also, she said that in MC. From what I’ve read on here our MC isn’t anything like what everyone else is going through. This is more like an intense MC. He is very, very good.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by HrtHsbnd
So my W wants to say that being in coparenting will help us build our communication, trust and consistency enough that she might think about working on our marriage.
She said during the time I was upset with her, she was the only one working on things. So now it’s my turn.
Thoughts?
WORDS WORDS WORDS
Believe nothing she says. She says what is expedient to get what she wants at the moment. Do not be manipulated.
I think I was saying those things to her because I thought we were heading in a good place.
Maybe you should explain exactly what you mean by she seems to be having more good days than bad now. Are you referring to the verbal interactions between the two of you? Do you sense her attitude is better? Are her actions indicating she wants to reconcile?
Yes I am. We have been having really great conversations and taking steps in the right direction, really up until Sunday. Her attitude does seem to be getting much better. She hasn’t used separation or divorce in weeks. I felt that it was a little early to talk about starting the reconciliation process because her actions weren’t there just yet. However, they were coming.
I’ll tell you about it in my update post.
Originally Posted by sandi2
To be blunt.......she is blowing smoke up your rear. Look, she is using all this co-parenting b.s. as her ticket to keep you in the hot seat. I dare say that her view of you communicating and co-parenting with her, is not the basic rules of communication needed for co-parenting one child. One example is how she wants you to sit and listen to her read stories to him, when he's with you in your house. IMHO, that is not realistic when the parents are living in a physical separation. Just b/c she labels it part of co-parenting or communication, doesn't make it so. I think she may be wanting to go a bit extreme under the heading of co-parenting. Since when do you have to measure up to her standards of co-parenting and communicating. I mean, by reading what she told you, it sounds as if she's holding it over your head. Has she threatened to fight you for child custody or something?
Correct me if I am thinking of another sitch, but didn't the MC sessions start with the purpose of co-parenting? I mean, this has been her thing, hasn't it? She doesn't want to work on the MR, so after five months, I would think the co-parenting subject would have been covered by now. Truth is, you didn't attend for the purpose of co-parenting. You went for the purpose of reconciling your M, and she has been stringing you along all this time.
You are right. She said we originally went for coparenting. First we went because he’s also a child psychologist and she wanted him to see our son. During that first session the MC said he was fine and wanted to work with us. He asked her to drop the D. From then on out she’s says it’s coparenting, but we only talk about our relationship. We have very briefly talked about coparenting, with the therapist saying that this should only be temporary. We’ve gone now for 8 sessions. She has started to use therapy when I tell her she’s not doing anything to work on the relationship and as the only place to discuss our relationship.
What is she stringing me along to do?
Originally Posted by sandi2
I suggest you stop trying to convince of anything, especially about yourself. She keeps pulling your strings, and you are dancing around like her puppet. She says you aren't communicating enough, and you jump up and dance. She says you need to co-parent in the ways she wants, and you jump up and dance. She throws just enough crumbs about how she might work on something more, if you do things like she wants.........and you jump up and dance to her tune. You say you are an alpha male, but from what I can see, she's the one who is clearly in charge.
You are so right. In this situation, I am letting her be in control because I was wrong. I shouldn’t have been so angry with her about our jobs. It’s my way to apologize, be humble and sincere.
How do I get to be alpha without coming across as a jerk? I feel that there’s absolutely nothing I can do right now that’s right, so I’m trying to just minimize giving her any ammo.
Originally Posted by sandi2
It was horrible b/c you decided it is horrible whenever she gets angry at you. You allow her moods or quick anger to determine if the day is good or horrible. When she got irritated and shut down the webchat, then it should have ended there, as for as you were concerned. You should have made a mental note that you wouldn't compliment her outfits, and gone on with your evening. You should have ignored her text attack, instead of responding. Clearly, you do not have boundaries in place and allow verbal attacks. The guys here may not agree with me, and they may say you should validate when she attacks......but IMHO, this is not how you deal with a disrespectful wife. Okay, so she didn't like you complementing her outfit, what did you say that made her mad enough to shut down the conversation? The only time a woman doesn't like a complement is when it comes from someone that disgusts her, or it is putting emotional pressure on her, or makes her feel uncomfortable by the implications. I suggest you don't compliment her again, for a very long time. I also suggest you set some boundaries in place.
I agree with you. Boundaries are done. I’ve not put up with any further nonsense and have held my ground.
Originally Posted by sandi2
I think you both have been guilty of trying to emotionally control the other one. In so many words, she warns you, then you warn her......around & around the merry wheel goes. Until you decide your self respect is most important, then I think you will continue on the ride. Not to oversimplify, but a lot of the problems in this sitch would be resolved if you seriously decided that you will not be disrespected without consequences. You need to treat her in a respectful manner, too, if possible. Know the difference in showing respect.....cowing down......accommodating......and pursuing. You need to know where to draw lines. You don't chase after someone who has just disrespected you. That's how I see your actions after she attacked you. As long as she can attack you for complimenting her, and she gets rewarded..........when do you think she'll change that type of action? She gets mad, pouts or throws a tantrum.......and you are there with soothing words, supporting and encouraging her. Hows that working?
I'm not saying you should act ugly or hateful. There is a way that a husband can teach his W that he won't tolerate bad behavior. He can show firmness without being angry or mean. He can show strength without emotionally pressuring her. He can demonstrate his love, without being a wuss.
You are so right and I needed to hear that. I have been doing that and I guess I just feel that it’s black and white. Either I’m a jerk or I’m not. But I’m learning there’s a lot more to this than just that. I have been standing firm in my boundaries and I believe she knows it too.
Things have been going well until recently. I’ll update my situation in its own post and I would love for you to comment on it.
Originally Posted by sandi2
Newcomers often remind me of new converts trying interpret scripture. It takes spiritual discernment for it to make sense........and especially when it comes to application to one's life. I think you are trying to use advice you've received from various sources, but you are struggling with discernment. That's JMHO. ((hugs))
This is so true Sandi. This is me. I’m trying to do whatever I can do that works, even if it’s nothing.
Thank you so much. I always appreciate your replies!
My wife and I have been going to MC for about 8 sessions so far. It had been going really well. We were communicating more positively and having more meaningful conversations outside of therapy. We were really getting back to where we should have always been, though we were still a long way from being there yet.
An example, when we were chatting during webchat, I felt she was comfortable enough for me to ask her to send a picture of her at her cousins wedding so I could see how pretty she looked in her dress. She smiled and said she would and she knows I would want to see it. As soon as she said that, I tried getting off the phone but she interrupted me and corrected herself. Her eyes popped out of her head and she said she couldn’t do that for me but would send pictures for our son to see. It would be weird sending them to me because were separated. I just laughed and said ok and got off the phone.
I’m addition, she’s dropped saying D and S. Instead, she’s talking about the future and what that would look like either way. She only wants to have R conversations in MC. That’s just not enough for me emotionally, but I am trying to continue to work on detaching. I still like to have them, though.
So we had a lot of stuff happen during all of this.
Our MC took 3 weeks off and this is what happened during the time he was off. He was booked this week, so we won’t get in again until late next week, so that’s 3-4 weeks of no therapy which is not a good thing
My L had to send her L discovery papers. Since we’ve been working on building trust and communication, I didn’t want her L to tell her this information, so I did. Her heart sank just like mine did when I was told they were sent. It was like the wind got sucked out of our sails. She got angry with me again even after I explained that I had no control over it. She originally said she was mad because of my timing, but she has mentioned doing the discovery papers several times since. She hasn’t mentioned the timing again. I feel like she got so upset because we were in a good place and she felt in control. She realized she wasn’t when that got all taken away.
In addition to getting the papers, she apparently spent the weekend working on them. She was very short with me and said that it was making her remember all the old memories and feeling he had when she was so upset with me. I apologized to her and said I was sorry she had those feelings, but she could just end this whole D thing if she wants. She laughed and said she wasn’t going to do that right now. So I told her it was her decision.
There was a wedding this weekend and so all of her family came in and stayed at her house, which is really our house. That’s a bad thing because I’m sure her parents are very negatively influencing her on our relationship and neither of us have had anyone to talk to for almost a month.
I brought up the D thing because my point wasn’t trying to pressure, it was to make her see that she was in control of her feelings and this process. Because of her parents involvement, I’m not sure that she knows it’s her decision. Sandi mentioned that she felt as though my W is very immature and she really is immature.
Because of where we were and what we’ve been working on in MC, I’ve been asking about her day, etc. in a very harmless and non threatening tone. I’m not trying to pry or anything, but she took it that way this weekend. In addition, she continues to try to push my buttons. I know that my work on detaching is working as I don’t think I fell for it at all. Instead, I told her why I was doing it and my motive behind it. She didn’t have a response because it was so spot on there really wasn’t much to say.
Because of her reaction this weekend, I’ve decided to shut down again and let her come back to me. I’m trying to enforce my boundaries.
We were really getting back to where we should have always been.. She smiled and said she would and she knows I would want to see it. As soon as she said that, I tried getting off the phone but she interrupted me and corrected herself. Her eyes popped out of her head and she said she couldn’t do that for me but would send pictures for our son to see. It would be weird sending them to me because were separated.
Originally Posted by HrtHsbnd
she could just end this whole D thing if she wants. She laughed and said she wasn’t going to do that right now.
Originally Posted by HrtHsbnd
I’ve been asking about her day, etc. in a very harmless and non threatening tone. I’m not trying to pry or anything, but she took it that way this weekend.
Less pressure and giving her a chance to come back to you (or not) sounds wise. It must be tough seeing your initial advance almost succeed.. and then it being swatted away, followed by a swatting, and another swatting. I hope things improve once you drop the pressure.
Originally Posted by HrtHsbnd
She didn’t have a response because it was so spot on there really wasn’t much to say.
Less pressure and giving her a chance to come back to you (or not) sounds wise. It must be tough seeing your initial advance almost succeed.. and then it being swatted away, followed by a swatting, and another swatting. I hope things improve once you drop the pressure.
I can see where that is giving her pressure, which is not what I want to do. I was just trying to continue building communication and trust as we discussed in MC, but if she doesn’t take it that way then it’s wrong. Her opinion is really the only opinion that matters.
It was very tough! But I think it has more to do with the circumstances I said before than anything I’m doing. If she had an outlet to express her feelings like with our MC, I think we would still be moving in the right direction.
I hope some of the vets on here can give me their advice.
