CALL 303-444-7004 to get started right away!

 

 


A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


A Divorce Busting Telephone Coach
can help you save your marriage singlehandedly!
CALL 303-444-7004
or see Coaching Packages online at the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11
Re: From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues [Re: AndrewP] #2861182
08/13/19 01:49 AM
08/13/19 01:49 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,621
D
DnJ Offline
Member
DnJ  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,621
Hello Andrew

Ah a 5 1/2 mile walk to clear the fog. Glad to see that.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
I went on to my phone and deleted all the text messages from B.

I am impressed. Well done!

Take care. Get a good sleep. Tomorrow will be better.

DnJ


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me51 XW48 S22 S21 S18 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues [Re: AndrewP] #2861219
08/13/19 02:57 PM
08/13/19 02:57 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,711
Canada
A
AndrewP Offline OP
Member
AndrewP  Offline OP
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,711
Canada
Slept like crap last night - sorry DnJ wink

Not too surprising though. I'm still getting used to an empty bed and also the extra sleep / resting from the morning perhaps sabotaged me a bit.

Yesterday I went carefully around the house and found a surprising amount of B's stuff here and there. She had said on the weekend that she'd by by today - not sure why not Monday - to pick it up. I sent her a message this morning to let her know that it was by the side porch door and what the bag looked like.

She thanked me, asked after my welfare and in the 8 brief lines over 3 messages used 22 exclamation points. I counted. I did let her know that I had taken a mental health day and was working through things. I carefully was polite but not affectionate.

Each day, especially reducing / eliminating contact will be a better day I'm sure. I am glad that while I am upset, that things are essentially amicable. I'm trying to treat this as a learning experience.

I changed the photo on my desk at the plant this morning, replacing the one of B&I and my kids with just the kids. B was so very pleased by having taken that picture on one of our earlier dates and was thrilled I had it on my desk as she never had that happen before as her ex was blue-collar.

I do worry about her but know that I got fired from that job. I wish her well and will cherish the memories she gave me. I have some small momentoes of our time together. A small stuffed cat she got for the house sits on the piano and I ordered a new bow tie - my first new purchase in a while - that will provide a link to those memories. In part perhaps because of her reluctance to unpack anything, her imprint on the house was very light - an indication perhaps of that she didn't see staying there. The new sheets she felt we needed are packed in a blanket box as the spare room sheets and the lawn chair she wanted for me that only she ever used is in the shed where it will probably stay as I usually sit out on the benches I made.

Thinking about her I do wonder and also doubt if she will ever get the life that she had in mind. I do know that she did have to use the food bank a couple of times when she was living with S38. As essentially a SAHM for most of her marriage who worked minimum wage retail when her kids got older, her own resources are limited. She's not very social and surprisingly has a very small circle of friends most of whom she's known for 30+ years. She did talk about how men would flirt with her but even she knows that the ones that were pushy were looking for no strings attached extra-marital fun.

We don't hear about it / talk about it much here but for a significant portion of society being suddenly single at our age can be I'm sure difficult. For me, I'm coming in to my peak earning years, have modest savings and expect a reasonably comfortable retirement. It's not the situation for a great many others though.

It wouldn't surprise me to find that B when she eventually gets her inheritance and settlement that she blows through it very quickly and then ends up with nothing for retirement. Again not my issue. But the thought of that and what could have been for her / us makes me sad. She may choose to suck it up and move back in with her STBX - from what I gather financially they weren't doing all that well either especially since he took early retirement at 50 and then they blew through their savings. A consumer proposal dealt with much of their unsecured debt but I expect that the mortgage on the marital home is large and it will be many years before they could be deemed credit worthy if they ever are. His pension pro-rated to be taken 15 years early, even if it was based on a decent salary, would be modest. B did say that his pension only covered the fixed living expenses and they needed her's to buy groceries. And on top of that there's the whole moving back in with a man who deliberately and callously carried on not one but two affairs plus taking her away again from being able to see her kids and other family regularly. But it does give her the small house on the lake again with 2 dogs and no cats. Her biggest gripe about the cats beyond the shedding was the fact that owning pets tied her down and prevented her from traveling on a whim.

Moving on ....

----------

S24 - soon to be S25 was pretty patient with me yesterday. I was surprised though before dinner (I reminded him of left-over scalloped potatoes) when he said he needed to "pop in to town for a few minutes" and asked if I needed anything and that he'd be right back.

3+ hours later when I'm in bed, I hear him come in in a mad dash, race up to his room and then back out presumably to his Monday night poker game that he was late for.

I got up to have a drink of water and my blood pressure meds I'd forgotten and on the counter was a birthday card from his sister - no postage so presumably hand delivered by his mother. He gets home from poker a bit earlier than usual and for pretty much the entire night I hear him up and down the stairs, rattling around in his room etc. I think the best I did was only an hour or so of actual sleep at any one stretch.

This morning I find a very thoroughly defrosted steak in the microwave. Presumably his dinner plans were rather derailed by his mother. It does make me curious as to what's up but I'll probably never know. Since he's a known conduit for intel and also that it's no secret that I'm suddenly single again thanks to sympathetic friends tagging me in every "single person / needs cats" meme going I would presume she knows my current status even though she's blocked there are lots of mutual acquaintances that I am sure pass gossip in both directions.

I can't imagine that she got through yesterday unscathed as well - but then gain - I will indeed never know. Similarly to B, I'm to the point where I wish her well in the life she has chosen - whatever that may be.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues [Re: AndrewP] #2861228
08/13/19 03:48 PM
08/13/19 03:48 PM
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,678
D
doodler Offline
Member
doodler  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,678
Andrew,

You should put a bottom on that skiff of yours and go sailing. It'll take your mind off of the worries de jour.

Re: From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues [Re: AndrewP] #2861233
08/13/19 04:08 PM
08/13/19 04:08 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 14,943
K
kml Online
Member
kml  Online
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 14,943
Quote
For me, I'm coming in to my peak earning years, have modest savings and expect a reasonably comfortable retirement. It's not the situation for a great many others though.


Baby boomers have done a lousy job generally of saving for retirement. I'm fortunate in that my ex's medical group required you to commit to a certain contribution to the 401K when he was first employed and that was unchangeable; even though we signed up for the lesser of the two options it still added up to a good amount. Plus he has a defined benefit pension which I will get a portion of. I also managed to keep us out of debt and we made some sweat equity in our home ownership over the years so with all of these income sources plus my own social security I will have a secure although not extravagant retirement.( If I were to be with a man who had similar resources though I would be very comfortable.)

Not so for many of my friends however. If I ever reach the point where I don't have family living with me I rather expect to have to provide housing to one or two friends who will be poor in old age.

Re: From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues [Re: AndrewP] #2861235
08/13/19 04:16 PM
08/13/19 04:16 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,077
D
Dawn70 Offline
Member
Dawn70  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,077
Computers are not my friend today! I had a big long response typed out and then accidentally hit a wrong key and eliminated it. So, apparently, besides being technologically challenged, my computer was trying to tell me to stay in my own lane.

In lieu of typing it all out again, I will just say this: I'm sorry you are hurting. I hope that you can get to a place where B is just a pleasant memory to look back on and smile. Use it as a learning experience for future reference. Take care of yourself and look toward the future. You have a trip to Spain coming up! laugh


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues [Re: AndrewP] #2861243
08/13/19 06:16 PM
08/13/19 06:16 PM
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,701
J
JujuB Offline
Member
JujuB  Offline
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,701
You’re pointing out just another way you guys were incompatible Andrew. And the way things are being worded kind of sounds like you feel like she should have stayed with you because her life would have been more comfortable financially and physically. But that’s not what you want and to her credit - it doesn’t sound like that was a motivation for her either.

I think a better fit is out there. And the one good thing about a failed relationship is that you learn what you don’t want for the next one. Adam ruins everything has a great episode on dating.

I think this takes time, and no contact or going gray really does work in the beginning. Sorry you’re hurting though.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues [Re: AndrewP] #2861248
08/13/19 07:04 PM
08/13/19 07:04 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 14,943
K
kml Online
Member
kml  Online
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 14,943
And btw - her financial problems are NOT your responsibility. You offered her an opportunity to get to a better place - financial planning, free housing - if she's not willing to change her outlook, well, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink.

Re: From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues [Re: kml] #2861264
08/13/19 09:01 PM
08/13/19 09:01 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,711
Canada
A
AndrewP Offline OP
Member
AndrewP  Offline OP
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,711
Canada
Originally Posted by kml
And btw - her financial problems are NOT your responsibility. You offered her an opportunity to get to a better place - financial planning, free housing - if she's not willing to change her outlook, well, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink.

But if you can teach it to play a piano then you really have something.

I think that you've hit on something important here. It's undoubtedly a "guy thing" but I know that during my marriage that a lot of my feelings of worth were around my ability to provide for my family.

Neither B nor I made any sort of significant issue of the fact that after she moved in that I just automatically did things like pay for groceries without asking for "her share". She did kick in a few bucks here and there and we did talk about what the incremental cost of her living here. But it was never an issue. I knew that especially since she was still funneling money to S38 that she just didn't have the cash.

It did cause some worries that I shared here on being taken advantage of, but it also is part of the confusion on why she left.

Old habits and attitudes are hard to break


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues [Re: AndrewP] #2861299
08/14/19 09:07 AM
08/14/19 09:07 AM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,711
Canada
A
AndrewP Offline OP
Member
AndrewP  Offline OP
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,711
Canada
Well - I'm annoyed.

Yesterday SIL1 discovered that she had "accidentally" reconnected with my ex on Facebook. She excitedly relayed recent posts by my ex that were full of anger and angst plus a few that of her going camping presumably with OM etc. Blah - whatev's. No real difference from the past 3 years. I asked her to please not relay any pictures of them as a couple and was told that there was nothing - again - whatev's. It's entertainment for SIL1 and really means little to me after all this time.

But then she said that she had chatted and passed on the information that I was split from B which got the response that she already knew having been told by S24.

Now that bit ticked me off. Not that it's any secret or anything and not even so much that SIL1 felt a need to broadcast my personal business to someone who I don't want involved in it, but the confirmation that S24's mother had been yet again leaning on him for intel. That did explain why when I got home from work yesterday that he stayed in his room and I only got the equivalent of grunts from him which is fairly unusual. Less so after he's spent time with his mother.

I do recognize that I told both kids a long time ago that I had nothing to hide from their mother and that S24 has been a long-term conduit of information. But really ex-w??? Get over it. At least have the decency to not put the kids in that sort of difficult situation to satisfy your curiosity. I have lots of people outside the kids who seem to be eager to pass on the little they find out about her life. I'm sure she has the same.

Grumble

I got a "thank you" message from B last night for leaving her stuff out. 2 sentences, 6 exclamation marks. I responded that if she recalled anything else missing to let me know and I'd have a look. No exclamation marks were used nor emojji. I find that I'm moving from the WTF to the being ticked off stage with her. It is pretty plain that her real reason for moving out was indeed the house. Which makes little sense to me. I can see me being attached to it, having lived here more than half my life and not wanting to move for that reason and also some very practical ones. I'm not going to apologize to anyone for that. But she was very well aware of the fact that I have this place, presumably even before her first ILU. I recall on I think date #3 her asking if I could see her living with me which struck me as odd and to which I was non-committal. I expect that she was very sick of being in her crowded apartment. She would be so exhausted that she would be falling asleep any time she sat down. I can see her perhaps having been uncomfortable here if there were a lot of reminders of my ex here or if S24 being around was an issue but as far as I could tell neither of those things were a problem. It was the size and the stairs. Yes, it's big but I do the cleaning and not all that big at 2000 sq ft not counting the basement.

It could be argued in some ways that for B that being with me was her attempting to "settle" and that she just couldn't. I was too different for her. I'll probably never know. But certainly something to keep in mind. There are perhaps all sorts of ways that people "settle".

Grumble again.

Well - enough ranting for now. I'm up early as I need to be at the Toronto corporate office for meetings at 9:00 am.

Blah


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues [Re: AndrewP] #2861301
08/14/19 10:28 AM
08/14/19 10:28 AM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 3,995
G
Ginger1 Offline
Member
Ginger1  Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 3,995
Oh Andrew. You NEED to tell SIL1 you don’t want to hear anything AT ALL. Nada. And that’s ok. Ahebcan get her ah!ts and giggles by online stalking her or whatever, but she also keep that info to herself. It does you zero good and I do believe hurts a little.

And before you get super PO’d that your ex is using your sone for a conduit of information.......your S may have very well just said that in conversation. Because B was living where your son also lived and your ex could have just said “what’s new” . And this is very very likely. No need to freak out about her trying to “pull” information from him.

B’s main reason for moving our was not your house. She could have said “I don’t think this living situation is working, but I would love to continue to date” your house is an object and we do t let those we love go because of objects. She truly has so much of her own stuff to work on and I think that is the bigger reason she left. She is choosing to make her grandson and her grandkids her life too. She’s got a lot to figure out which should have done before jumping into an R with you and moving in, especially as a married woman. You are light years ahead of her A. This had nothing to do with you or your big house, or you cats. It’s all about her

Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004