DnJ, you have been my rock, my go to person in all of this, and this was the first time I didn’t agree with you. I feel bad about it, but I hope you can forgive me for not taking your advice completely. I am staying on my course, but at the same time opening the door a little to see if he wants to come in. I’m not pushing, pleading or asking. I only reply when he texts or calls, so my behavior has not changed. I’m still all about GAL.
From my point of view there is nothing to forgive. You do not have to take my advice or suggestions, it is your choice. I am here to support you.
That being said and with acknowledgement of your feelings. Yes, of course I forgive you. Please let go of feeling bad about not “taking my advice”. You have not let me down - honest!
These situations with our WAS or MLCers are difficult and everyone is a bit different. I want what it best for you.
This is, and has always been, your path, your journey. I am happy to be walking it with you.
Originally Posted by Nyla79
I will keep you posted, and hopefully I don’t have to crawl back and admit that you all were right and I was wrong….
Nyla, right and wrong really don’t exist in these crazy situations. Hindsight isn’t even 20/20, and looking towards the future is just an educated guess. This is not an exact science.
I am glad you will keep posting. Everyone is pulling for you. And that is the primary focus - you. Nyla, is the most important person in all of this.
I would like to assure you, I am not against your decision. I will be here, encouraging you.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I agree with the others. We support you in whatever you choose to do. Only you know your whole situation.
From the moment of BD, as shocked as I was to come home from work to find him gone, leaving a note under my iPad, I actually wasn’t that shocked.
I had born witness to his deterioration in his demeanour for two years. I knew I was not the problem. Throughout the time several on here warned me not to get my hopes up on him returning.
But, in my heart I kept faith that, eventually, he would come out the other side and want to return. I was prepared to give him 2 years. And just over a year after BD (on finding out I’d been diagnosed with breast cancer) he told me he wanted to come back, as he realised he did still love me.
Edit to add, I hadn’t heard from him for almost a year.
It took another year for him to bring his relationship with OW to an end and finally return.
I believe the longer this takes, if he is to return, the better chance one has of it not happening a second time.
That’s why I said I thought it was too soon. They need to ‘fully bake’. It does sound like he wants to, but he has to get OW out of his system first, and this may take some time.
I do also want to add a little anecdote of Jack 3beans, who died a couple of years back but helped a lot of us here. And his words are so true in my sitch.
“Reconciliation doesn’t happen with a declaration of love, but a whisper of doubt”.
I thought it would be all hearts and flowers.......it still isn’t.
Reconciliation is not easy, for either couple. The innocence we had before is gone. We are different people and it’s now a different relationship.
I seem to be the one putting all the effort in, but then......I learned so much from here and being alone. He didn’t.
I think Westo's wisdom here is well worth a good chew. She is covering both sides -- hope and pragmatism. And that's really what I meant. I think it's true that if your H bounces back this quickly, the risk of relapse is high. But it could happen that way or not.
My only concern for you is zero expectation. If you can have a beautiful night together with no expectation, go forth, young woman! Your idea to respond but never initiate is I think the only path you can take until your H is healed, and that could take months or years.
About you sleeping with H after he left -- I almost felt jealous! I think you are right that kissing is something totally different -- it's very hard to kiss if you have no feelings. My H hasn't touched me for seven years. I used to long for that or I would be affectionate with him in some small way, touching his arm, etc. I would have done anything with him even up until the fall. He never even came close. He kissed me once in seven years. The first two years when he kept going away or I would go away with the kids, we would have an intimate hug goodbye. That would never happen now.
The horrors of his divorce methods have killed my ability to think about him in that way. I am trying to put that in a box and not worry about it either way.
Point is, I totally understand what you are feeling and the choice you are making. Try not to think past any given moment!
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Peacetoday, I have been watching so may videos and podcasts in the past week, just to kind of know what to expect if/when we really start working on this. I have also thought about calling a coach to help me/us.
Westo, one of my worries is exactly that I have learned and grown so much during this time, and I don’t know how much he has even started to process what has happened. I’m lightyears away from him and I just need to be patient and let him catch up. I also don’t want him to come home with unrealistic expectations that it is all going to be hearts and fireworks, because we will have to deal with this. He will eventually have to deal with the fact that he broke my heart and our children’s hearts and he will have to learn how to deal with the guilt of that, and hopefully one day let go of it. I loved the quote from Jack 3beans, thank you for sharing it.
Gerda, I have longed for the touching as well and the lack of kissing when we have slept together has been hard to handle. That’s why It felt so amazing when he did kiss me last Sunday. I try to keep my expectations at zero, but the more closer he gets, the harder it is. Even just in a week our communication has gotten so much better than what it has been in these months. I feel like we are connecting again.
What has happened since last Wednesday. That was when H was gone for business and we had a nice evening chatting over texts and talking. On Thursday and Friday I didn’t really hear from him, some messages about the kids but nothing more. Of course, this caused some anxiety in me. I was afraid that he’s gone again, but then realized that even if he is gone again, there’s nothing I can do about it, so I just need to continue on my path…
Saturday, he texted me in the evening about the kids and then started to talk about leaving the OW. He is having scheduling problems with it (as silly as it sounds) They’re both traveling so much this month for work, that he doesn’t know when he could actually tell her it’s over. I just mostly listened and gave very general advice when he asked. I didn’t try to push for him to end the affair or to move back home. It all has to come from his desire to come back.
Yesterday he called me on his way to a business dinner, and we talked about nothing really, just silly day-to-day stuff, and we joked back and forth, a really nice conversation. When he got to the restaurant he told me he should go in, and I said well we never even got to why you called me. He said he just called because he was thinking about me. This has not happened since the BD. All of our phone calls since then have had a specific purpose, we don’t just call for no reason. So that felt good. He also told me he had decided to deal with the OW next week, as he’s gone all week and weekend this week. So, then I guess we’ll see what happens. I know actions speak louder than words, so I’m eagerly waiting.
On BD Me 39 H44 D14 D12 S10 M19 T19 BD 3/19 Separation 3/19 H filed for D 4/19
I agree with peacetoday and would encourage you not to engage in conversations about his R with the OW on any level. You do not want to be seen as the teacher/mother watching his progress on the one hand, and for yourself, that is an emotional rollercoaster you do not need to ride. I'd just say lightly, "Let's just enjoy each other's company when we are together, I don't need to know about that." And when you get to the point that for your own peace/sanity, you have to know if it's over to know if you want to spend time with him, you can set the boundary then -- e.g., "I would love to see you tonight but I am at a point in my own life journey that I can't spend time with you until I know you aren't seeing someone else. Whenever you are at that point,I am here."
Like I said, I would do whatever with my H if he was doing that, but I would assume the entire time it meant nothing and not try to work out any R stuff for a very long time. My H seemed to be coming back several times. Where I am now is the pit of pits -- check my thread for proof! And your sitch is not mine of course, this might be a turnaround and all will be well, but for the sake of real movement forward for the long term, I would hold back on R talk for a very long time. Enjoy being with him if you can, let him come home if you want, I just wouldn't rush the actual R talk for a long time.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
It’s been a while since I posted. I’ve been busy with friends visiting and my husband actually moving home!!! Last time I posted he had told me that he was having a hard time ending the relationship with the OW. He ended it 5 days after and moved back home. The OW has been trying to text him and call him, but he’s mostly ignored her. The apartment they were living in is in his name, so he still has to make sure she leaves in the end of the month or pays for next months rent. I’m eagerly waiting for all of that to be done with, so he doesn’t have to be in touch with her anymore. I’m suspecting she will move back to Germany.
Where should I start with what’s been going on at home? Everything seems so weirdly normal and I have to say wonderful. We have gotten really close, really fast. So far I have let him do most of the talking, it seems like he has a real need to tell me about what’s been going on in his mind.
The common thing he says is that he just woke up one day and thought to himself what is he doing? And what has he done? He says that he felt like he was in a fog or a dream and was not steering at all. He doesn’t remember many details from the time he was with her.
He says he tried to find faults in me and blamed me for everything that he was unhappy with in his life and now he realizes that the problem is not in me but in him and his head. He says he doesn’t know why he ever started the affair and now that he has a clear head, he can’t understand why he left us for her. He is very sorry, tired and at times sad. He seems annoyed about the OW and is ready to leave her behind.
I’m happy he’s home. I’m still wary even though he has canceled the divorce and assures me every day that he’s here to stay. I still get my insecure moments and let my mind wander to the spring and how much he hurt me. We haven’t talked about it yet, I don’t think he’s ready to hear about it and I’m not ready to talk about it either.
So overall so far so good. I still don’t know if this has been a MLC or just plain WAS in limerence, but as long as things are going as they are, I don’t care. He’s home, I’m somewhat happy (just afraid) and I think we will be able to fix this.
On BD Me 39 H44 D14 D12 S10 M19 T19 BD 3/19 Separation 3/19 H filed for D 4/19
Very interesting that he shifted home and I would be curious to see what happens I hope he continues as he is-
You said you were listening to lots of u tube on relationships/dating/coaches I think there are a lot of great ideas out there to practice and much of it works well- curious to see if it works on MLC-
Good luck and keep us posted!
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
So happy for you Nyla. It sounds like you are on your way to making a new MR. Just a word of warning... my XH returned after BD#1 and said everything was back to normal. I was so grateful to have him home, I just let him move back in and we didn’t really discuss what had happened or what we both wanted going forward. Every time I would ask him anything, he would say his memory was fuzzy and it didn’t feel like it was him. He couldn’t really explain anything. He was ashamed and sad about his behaviour so I decided to just forgive him and resolved to move on. Two months later, he was back to old behaviours only this time he was much sneakier about it. Fast forward to today and we are days away from divorce and he has started his new life with OW (who he didn’t know back then). Anyway... my advice to you is to just stay vigilant and if something doesn’t sit well, address it. Don’t bury your head in the sand like I did. I hope everything works out for you. (((HUGS)))
