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A Message from Michele
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Re: Divorce/WAW due to my infidelity Part 2 [Re: crdcheck] #2861134
08/12/19 07:34 PM
08/12/19 07:34 PM
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AnotherStander Online
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Originally Posted by crdcheck
Yep, just disappointing. I really laid myself out to him (and my MIL), the good, the bad, the ugly.


Well that's on you. You should absolutely not have done that. Now if you're embarrassed about it, well that's one of the reasons you shouldn't have done it. Don't blame FIL, blame yourself for that.

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They'd said that they feel like I'm a son. All I wanted from them was to take a balanced view, help us to navigate our relationship, whatever form it would be.


They are W's parents, not yours. You can bet they hate being in this awkward position, they wish they could support you but they can't without potentially alienating their D.

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Part of me wants to say that, if he can't play nice then he's not welcome at events I'm hosting. I'm not asking to be friends but he's essentially refusing to acknowledge my existence then he's not welcome in my home.


You do that then you are basically confirming to them that you are a jerk not deserving of their support or their D. TAKE THE MORAL HIGH ROAD. Always conduct yourself with dignity and respect, no matter what. People will have no choice but to respect you if you can stick to that. This "revenge" attitude has got to go, in the end it will hurt you more than anyone else.

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Honestly, I just want to come home a night or two, heat up a pizza, and watch some TV. I'm meeting up with people 7 days/week and it takes a lot out of me (I'm a natural introvert).


Then dial it back. No one said you have to be out of the house every day!

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Another question re: D3 - if she wants something that I don't, how do I decide what to do? For example, as someone pointed out earlier, I am going to miss our time as a family more than my time w/ W, and if D3 wants all of us to go to the pool together part of me likes the idea and wants to do what D3 wants. Another part of me sees this as cake eating for my W, that she shouldn't get the benefits of an H unless she is being a W. Where do I draw the line?


My opinion is if the request is well and truly coming from D then do it. But don't make it contingent on your W being there. For example, this would be pursuit:

You- W, how would you like to go to the pool? D will be there, I thought it would be nice.
W- No thanks.
You- Oh (pouts, doesn't go)

This is not pursuit:

You- W, D and I are going to the pool and she asked me to invite you. You are welcome to join if you wish.
W- No thanks.
You- OK, no problem. (goes to pool with D).

Do you understand the difference? Michele addresses this in DR. It's OK to ask her along if you're doing something with D, as long as you go whether W goes or not.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Divorce/WAW due to my infidelity Part 2 [Re: AnotherStander] #2861153
08/12/19 09:13 PM
08/12/19 09:13 PM
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crdcheck Offline OP
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by crdcheck
Yep, just disappointing. I really laid myself out to him (and my MIL), the good, the bad, the ugly.


Well that's on you. You should absolutely not have done that. Now if you're embarrassed about it, well that's one of the reasons you shouldn't have done it. Don't blame FIL, blame yourself for that.

I don't blame anyone and I'm not mad that he's taken her side, I'm frustrated that they all take this holier than thou stance but are blind to their own actions. Whatever, there's a reason it's in the book to not talk to in-laws, etc., and you are right that I shouldn't have
Originally Posted by AnotherStander

They are W's parents, not yours. You can bet they hate being in this awkward position, they wish they could support you but they can't without potentially alienating their D.

And I'd be fine if all they did was validate me ("yeah, that [censored]"). MIL is fine to me, FIL was fine even a few weeks ago (didn't mind that I took one of his other grandkids out for the day with D3 while he, W, and MIL went shopping for W's new place). Hypocrisy hits a nerve with me.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander

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Part of me wants to say that, if he can't play nice then he's not welcome at events I'm hosting. I'm not asking to be friends but he's essentially refusing to acknowledge my existence then he's not welcome in my home.


You do that then you are basically confirming to them that you are a jerk not deserving of their support or their D. TAKE THE MORAL HIGH ROAD. Always conduct yourself with dignity and respect, no matter what. People will have no choice but to respect you if you can stick to that. This "revenge" attitude has got to go, in the end it will hurt you more than anyone else.

Hear you loud and clear. I was seeing it more as excising some bad vibes from my life but I can see how it would be seen as a sort of revenge thing.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander

Then dial it back. No one said you have to be out of the house every day!

Thanks for the advice. I may have been overcoming my bias to maintain a friend-like relationship with W and also be a bit of a lump. I mean, I do a lot and wanted to spend as much time as possible with D3 but it adds up. I think that it will be easier with W not home. No more coordination...
Originally Posted by AnotherStander

My opinion is if the request is well and truly coming from D then do it. But don't make it contingent on your W being there.

Makes sense. I'm not sure how this all plays out. D3 is definitely more mommy-oriented than daddy so it may feel kind of one-sided (D3 wants to include mom when she's with me, doesn't mention me when she's with mom). And one thing I'm looking forward to is not having W standing over my shoulder all the time (plus D3 regularly demanding to spend 1:1 time w/ W rather than time as a family or just me).

I do agree 100% with the idea that it will be "hey, I'm doing X, you are welcome to join" and then going (and enjoying time w/ D3) regardless. I'm not doing anything just for W at this moment.

Thanks for the advice. Tough day, probably a tough week. That leads to over (and under) thinking. Looking forward to getting rid of some of the ambiguity so I can concentrate more on myself and my daughter.


M(35), W(35), D(3)
M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019
Separated Aug 13 (W moved out)
In mediation with intent to dissolve Sept 2019
Re: Divorce/WAW due to my infidelity Part 2 [Re: crdcheck] #2861201
08/13/19 12:52 PM
08/13/19 12:52 PM
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Steve85 Online
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Originally Posted by crdcheck

I don't blame anyone and I'm not mad that he's taken her side


Originally Posted by crdcheck

And I'd be fine if all they did was validate me ("yeah, that [censored]"). MIL is fine to me, FIL was fine even a few weeks ago (didn't mind that I took one of his other grandkids out for the day with D3 while he, W, and MIL went shopping for W's new place). Hypocrisy hits a nerve with me.


I am not sure those two quotes square up.

crdcheck, what was your goal in talking to them? Were you hoping they'd come down on her for her choices? You had a a reason for telling them (everyone does things for a reason), so what were you hoping to achieve?


crd, the reason I think this is important is that self-reflection and being honest WITH YOURSELF, is paramount in moving forward happy and healthy. If you can't be honest with yourself, and I feel that you are making excuses here, then you will never improve to the point where you can be successful in your next R, whether with your W or someone new.


M(50), W(51),D(15)
M-20, T-22 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Divorce/WAW due to my infidelity Part 2 [Re: crdcheck] #2861232
08/13/19 04:07 PM
08/13/19 04:07 PM
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crdcheck Offline OP
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I told them everything because of a few reasons:

1) I wanted them to know that I knew that I betrayed her, that I was not diminishing my role in any way, that as their SIL I had violated her and their trust and I knew that I had to earn it back. I was (and am) owning my choices/mistakes
2) I wanted them to know that I had a plan I was following and had effectively followed 99% of the time (misses like occasionally forgetting to text when I left or arrived somewhere)
3) I wanted them to hear that there was another side to all of this and that it wasn't that mine is right and hers is wrong, that we both have taken grey items and made them black or white. Essentially, I wanted them to consider that I might not be a demon and help W to consider that some of her interpretations may be misaligned
4) Most importantly, I wanted them to help translate between us - that if W was really upset that I was late to an appointment and she felt that I didn't care about her (example) that they would help me to speak with her in a way that resonated

Please note that this was early after the divorce announcement, I'm not sure if I'd even heard of DBing at the time. I know that I was trying to be on my best behavior so, if I'd heard of it, I wasn't following it. I'm not speaking about R items with them now.


M(35), W(35), D(3)
M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019
Separated Aug 13 (W moved out)
In mediation with intent to dissolve Sept 2019
Re: Divorce/WAW due to my infidelity Part 2 [Re: crdcheck] #2861237
08/13/19 04:30 PM
08/13/19 04:30 PM
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Steve85 Online
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crd, one thing about DBing, it applies to all relationships. Remember to have NO EXPECTATIONS related to your in-laws as well. I've even used DBing techniques with coworkers, especially listening and validating.


M(50), W(51),D(15)
M-20, T-22 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Divorce/WAW due to my infidelity Part 2 [Re: crdcheck] #2861245
08/13/19 06:38 PM
08/13/19 06:38 PM
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crdcheck Offline OP
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Yes, good point. I definitely have work to do on this. I'm hurt and rejected and, while I want to just switch off the emotions, I can't help but to feel betrayed and angry in my own way, and to want to just say what's on my mind even if it helps no one. I recognize this and work to overcome it (not always successfully). Thank you for the reinforcement.


M(35), W(35), D(3)
M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019
Separated Aug 13 (W moved out)
In mediation with intent to dissolve Sept 2019
Re: Divorce/WAW due to my infidelity Part 2 [Re: crdcheck] #2861273
08/13/19 11:37 PM
08/13/19 11:37 PM
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crdcheck Offline OP
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Well, another milestone down this s*** road. Movers came today and all of her stuff is gone, half of our stuff, too. I get it, I need to detach. But I'm sorry, if I break all emotions then what's the point? I'm doing ok overall. W called me and left a VM about stuff she could have texted. I didn't respond (there was nothing I needed to say). I'm going over to my brother's to hang out now.

On a positive note, the house I wanted to buy I'll probably get. It's a really amazing place, D3 will have her own room (and then some). Nice neighborhood. Commute not so great but whatever. Proud moment was that I decided to reach out to the seller directly to meet up, get the agents out from the middle. We met up yesterday, had a couple of beers, talked through our priorities, and came up with an agreement that the agents codified.

So yeah, I'm in this empty house by myself, stuck with the whirlwind of emotions (exhaustion, fear, sadness, anger, bitterness, hope (for us to R), hope (for my solo future)... probably more). Really [censored].

Weird thing - my mom planned family photos for this Saturday pre-D announcement. I figured that W would not want to participate but I don't really care one way or another. My mom called to say that W would come if I didn't mind. Like, on what planet does it make sense for the leaver to want to be in the LBS's family photos??? Frankly, I don't care one way or another, I just don't get it.


M(35), W(35), D(3)
M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019
Separated Aug 13 (W moved out)
In mediation with intent to dissolve Sept 2019
Re: Divorce/WAW due to my infidelity Part 2 [Re: crdcheck] #2861274
08/13/19 11:48 PM
08/13/19 11:48 PM
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Ugh... I would tell my mom that I mind. Honestly...she opted out of the privilege. Thatís cake eating, IMO. Up to you though. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Divorce/WAW due to my infidelity Part 2 [Re: crdcheck] #2861284
08/14/19 05:32 AM
08/14/19 05:32 AM
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Originally Posted by crdcheck
Like, on what planet does it make sense for the leaver to want to be in the LBS's family photos??? Frankly, I don't care one way or another, I just don't get it.

Just make sure you put her on the end of the photos so you can crop her out.


M: 11, T: 15
S7, D5, D3
MC1: 09/2018-01/2019
BD: 06/12/19
MC2: 06/12/19-??
S: 06/29/19-??
Re: Divorce/WAW due to my infidelity Part 2 [Re: crdcheck] #2861310
08/14/19 11:44 AM
08/14/19 11:44 AM
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AnotherStander Online
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Originally Posted by crdcheck
But I'm sorry, if I break all emotions then what's the point?


Detaching does not mean you turn your feelings off. You are going to continue having feelings for a long time, maybe for the rest of your life. You're losing someone you loved and you're losing your home, that's a hell of a thing to go through. Own your feelings, let them happen. Grieve, cry, whatever it takes to process it. Just FYI I've been divorced for many years and we're going through an office remodel, I was going through my desk (which I haven't done this deeply in 15 years) and found a lot of old family photos. Pictures of XW and the kids at the beach, hiking, playing in the yard. Man that really hit me hard. I miss the wife I had back then, and I miss those wonderful little kids we were raising together. My kids are grown now and I love them to pieces, but I loved those little versions of them too and I loved being a dad and caring for those little kids, the little moments like corralling them into mom's van to take to lunch or the park or whatever. I miss that younger version of myself! They're great memories but they hurt too, it makes me sad. That's not to say I don't enjoy the life I have now, I really do. But it does make me sad sometimes that my life didn't stay on the married trajectory it was on.

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On a positive note, the house I wanted to buy I'll probably get. It's a really amazing place, D3 will have her own room (and then some). Nice neighborhood.


Awesome! Good luck, hope it all works out on it!

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Weird thing - my mom planned family photos for this Saturday pre-D announcement. I figured that W would not want to participate but I don't really care one way or another. My mom called to say that W would come if I didn't mind. Like, on what planet does it make sense for the leaver to want to be in the LBS's family photos??? Frankly, I don't care one way or another, I just don't get it.


That sounds exactly like things my XW did after S and D. I think she wanted to hold onto some piece of the old life. You can let her or you can shut it down, that's your choice. Personally I don't think it matters much one way or the other, it's really a question of how it affects you.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
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