OM Backed Out

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Gerda.



I appreciate the response and the nice words.

Really, I'm fine. Just extra sensitive to so many things these days. I've had lady friends tell me that they love the fact that I'm sensitive to things like that and am not afraid to show it. I guess it is nice, but sometimes wish that things didn't bother me so much. But...maybe you are right. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people cared.

You are also right about putting the pain in a box too. I'm sure I'd be more fun to be around. But....I thought I had been doing pretty well at this. Maybe not.

Thanks for the hugs and understanding.

Tad

[DnJ]

Good Morning Tad

How are you? And how is the wee Grandkid?

...when I say over emotional, I mean seriously over emotional or hyper emotional. It's stuff that doesn't make sense.

It’s stuff that doesn’t make any sense. Right on the money. Emotions are irrational. Some follow rational thoughts and others do not.

Emotions come from our subconscious, well beyond the reach of the our conscious mind. We can only influence emotions, not control. Acceptance and understanding.

If my feelings towards innocent things are feelings that have been stirred up, shouldn't they go away eventually? I mean, is it always going to be like this? They seem to intensify over time.

All feelings go away, if not reinforced or fed.

Most emotions are fed subconsciously. To alter that feedback takes a concerted effort from the conscious mind, your thoughts. Or in time, as you accept whatever is “on your mind or heart”, the feeling fade. Now, fade may be a bit misnamed, we also get used to feelings so they seem to fade or lessen. The intensity of a feeling may lower and yet it becomes more deep or real - a belief.

So, is it always going to be like this? No, nothing remains static. Life is change and we are all heading somewhere. Enjoy the journey and embrace those feelings. Acceptance and understanding.

Your examples of emotional responses: feeling bad for the crabs, shouting at the fishermen to ensure they clean up, and physically sick to seeing on TV the animals getting eaten by other animals. It’s ok. Perfectly normal.

The only one of these you can directly control is you shouting at the fishermen, and that is only for a part of it. You feel something, you need not act on it, you choose to shout. I am guessing you are not wanting to become an in your face environmental activist , so you might want to nip this one.

However something is stirring inside you. Grandkids and mid life usher in a life transition - don’t worry no where near a crisis level. Just a transition to your golden years and the life outlook that it brings. Peace or despair, better or bitter, satisfaction or regret. This will stir up a lot of irrational fears and feelings.

I want to pass on a second outlook to fear and uncoupling it. Fear is a parasite, feeding on that irrational connection. Uncouple and let it wither. You can also purposefully overfeed it.

Consider afraid of the dark. It is not the absence of photons that scares a person. Is it what might be lurking in the dark? Even though it wasn’t there before. No. It is the hurt, pain, or death that might come from something within the dark attacking you. Irrational. So one uncouples that and let’s the feeling wither.

At the same time over feed that fear of the dark.

Go out and look at the stars. Marvel at the glorious universe and creation.

Listen to the wonderful sounds and the depth they have when vision is absent.

This feeds that fear something good and enjoyable. Dark gets coupled to stargazing and enjoying nature in the wisps of silvery starlight - for example.

Hope you are doing well.

DnJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks DnJ.

Sorry for the delayed response. I've been keeping busy, seeing the grandkid when I can and working and enjoying nature when I can.

I've also been doing a lot of thinking.

I think the biggest problem I have is fear. Fear of being in a relationship, fear of losing again. I fear not being able to see my grandson. I know I can't control a lot, but people just throw relationships away these days and treat it like it's no big deal if they split. I know that I shouldn't even have those thoughts, but I do. Feel like I am "borrowing trouble" with the way I think sometimes.

I'm also tired. Tired of not being important. Maybe XW spoiled me. For 25 years, our sons and I were number one with her. People depended on me and needed me. Now, not so much. Maybe this is an "old person thing?" I'm only 51, but feel much older. As I've stated before, I feel like "second choice" a lot.

Sorry for the ramble and if this doesn't make much sense. I'm at work and wanted to check in.

Tad

[DnJ]

Hello Tad

No worries in your response time buddy. Sounds like you were busy, in some very good ways. Grandkid, working, enjoying nature, and thinking. Lots of thinking - I like that. Thinking is your control and leads to everything.

I know I can't control a lot, but people just throw relationships away these days and treat it like it's no big deal if they split. I know that I shouldn't even have those thoughts, but I do.

Tad, you should totally have those thoughts. I am glad to see them. That is accurate, some people do treat relationships with less importance.

Trying to not have your thoughts is fighting directly against your fears. You have to come at this sideways. Outmaneuver your fear. Be smarter than it. And that, I’m pretty confident you can accomplish.

On a related side note. You tried to not have those thoughts. Trying predisposed us to fail. Do something, instead of try. That is why sideways, not the direct attack, works.

I think the biggest problem I have is fear. Fear of being in a relationship, fear of losing again. I fear not being able to see my grandson.

This is really good stuff. Let’s explore your fear. (I’ve hop in your intellectual car, you’re driving. Buckle up.)

Fearing a relationship: Being with someone? Caring for someone? Having someone care about you? Be dependent on you? You be dependant on them? Making concessions and compromises? Living up to a standard you don’t know you can reach? Losing - what?

Fearing losing again: Again? Losing? The person? The relationship? The companionship? The solitude? Yourself? Your comfort zone?

Fear of not seeing grandson: How? Is it their relationship breaking up? Is it XW, Grandma, getting more involved?

Feel like I am "borrowing trouble" with the way I think sometimes.

You are doing so well! Seeing so much. Yes, it “feels” like borrowing trouble. Exactly - feels. Thoughts lead to feelings, which feed those fears.

I love your sentence, that the biggest problem you have is fear. You see it as a problem, which is good - problems can be solved. And you are acknowledging the fear.

Now, do explore those questions and the many others that will undoubtedly pop up. Follow your logical thoughts and reason; got to be in that car. What possible future events are driving this?

Loss is a theme here.

All fears come from something which we feel would hurt us - directly. Follow until you find that hurt. Fear of not seeing you grandson has deeper roots, for example.

Here’s an example from me. As I’ve said, fear is not vanquished, or defeated. It remains within, withered, like a seed. If fed again it will grow. With that in mind I’ll dig around in my bag of seeds and tell you about one.

I fear you (others) not liking what I am saying. I fear the rejection. Now stopping here doesn’t cut it, right? Rejection hurts but why?

Words of affirmation is one of, maybe my primary, love language. The opposite hurts, a lot. It also make me feel like a fraud. Attacks my beliefs, my convictions, my values. Attacks my confidence. When W (at the time) stood there in our living room and told me she is indifferent to me. Not hate - indifferent. Hate is born from the same passion as love. Hate, I could’ve use that. Hate would have been better. Indifference was crushing. Total rejection of me.

There is a root. Me irrationally worrying that someone might reject me; and me taking it far too personally.

I’ve thought that through, a lot. It’s withered and not a bother anymore. How? I can’t control anyone else. If they are going to see me as a fraud, or reject my ideas or ideals, my words, my experience, my hard fought and painfully gained wisdom - I cannot change that. Worrying to the point of paralysis is not helpful - that is fear. Accept that you have no control over what event your fear is based on. See it. Come at it sideways. Can’t fight rejection head on.

I accept that everyone has a right to their ideas and path (that absolutely includes XW). And realizing I’m not that important; not agreeing to something I say is just that - not agreeing - it’s not rejection of me. And I could very well be in the wrong, and I accept that too, and have opened myself up a whole lot more.

So, not a big deal now - but after BD with emotions and fears and anxiety - yikes!

I'm also tired. Tired of not being important. Maybe XW spoiled me. For 25 years, our sons and I were number one with her. People depended on me and needed me. Now, not so much. Maybe this is an "old person thing?" I'm only 51, but feel much older. As I've stated before, I feel like "second choice" a lot.

I know this feeling. More accurately, I remember this feeling.

For almost 30+ years - me, and as the four kids came along, we were number one with XW. We are not even number two now. To be totally clear-viewed about this. I don’t feel like second choice from XW, I feel like I’m no choice from XW. The kids, I am becoming less and less of their provider, they are much less dependent on me - exactly what a parent should hope to happen. So yes I am second choice, to funner times, to their significant other, to jobs, to school, to friends, etc. That is great! That view took a bit to find.

I’m 51 as well, and I don’t feel old - now. I figured out a lot of stuff. You can too.

That’s more than enough about me.

I really hope you share your thoughts about those questions and your discovers. What answers, further questions, and further answers you find while digging. I really do want to walk with you through this fire and see you emerge on the other side.

And share whatever ramble you want. It makes more sense than you realize.

DnJ

[tadpole1025]

Hey DnJ. Thanks for the response.

Fearing a relationship: Being with someone? Caring for someone? Having someone care about you? Be dependent on you? You be dependant on them? Making concessions and compromises? Living up to a standard you don’t know you can reach? Losing - what?

I think just fear of being hurt. All of it. I'm an animal lover, but won't even have a pet because I don't want to hurt watching it get old and eventually dying. Maybe I get too attached? A couple of years ago, I got two little rats that I didn't even really want, but fell in love with them and got super attached. It hurt like H3ll when they passed. When I was about 10, our family dog died. It was a dog that had been in the family since before I was born. I cried for days. My stepdad called me all kinds of names for being upset about it. "Be a man. She was just a dog" he would say. Obviously, my "issues" go much deeper than the garbage XW pulled.

Fear of not seeing grandson: How? Is it their relationship breaking up? Is it XW, Grandma, getting more involved?

No, but I worry about getting attached and then their relationship going sour or staying together, but moving away. Her family lives in a different state. I know that I shouldn't worry about these things, but I do.

Follow until you find that hurt. Fear of not seeing you grandson has deeper roots, for example.

Yep. I was basically raised by my grandmother for the most part. (Long story.) When I was 6, my parents took me and moved to Germany. (My stepdad was military and we moved a lot.). But....I ALWAYS wanted to be in Phoenix with my grandmother. I was closer to her than my parents, step parents, everybody. I always felt like I was "taken away" and shoved from house to house.

The kids, I am becoming less and less of their provider, they are much less dependent on me - exactly what a parent should hope to happen. So yes I am second choice, to funner times, to their significant other, to jobs, to school, to friends, etc. That is great! That view took a bit to find.

I see your point. I'm working on this.

Again, thanks for the response. I have to run for now. I'm at work and things just hit the fan. Haha!

Peace.

Tad

[Gerda]

Tad, I am struck reading what you wrote to DnJ that your very clear and deep wound got rewounded just exactly the same way all over again.

Your parents divorced, and you found a safe loving home with your grandma. Then you have to deal with this stepdad who doesn't get how beautiful and fragile your heart is, how full of love you are, and he brutalizes that openness of your heart by telling you that a man doesn't love like that. And you get ripped away from the one who loved you as yourself, your grandma, and had to move far far away, to a culture that was very different and I rather doubt it was one that nurtured your fragile heart.

And you had to be afraid of showing your love and your hurt. And then you saw that fear played out and realized over and over again in your life, and repeated by XW.

I say this because my exact wound from childhood, and one that I saw repeated with several other R's before H, was then taken to an all new level of hurt, horror, pain, anguish, by H.

You know I am a religious lady, and it's this wound that I keep bringing to God and saying, "WHY?" Why did you give me a life as a child where I was wounded that way, and why did you keep allowing that same wound to be reopened in the same way, and now this, this horrible reopening/stabbling/salting by H in the exact same way?

There is this book by Harville Hendrix called, "How to Get the Love you Want." I loved it before I became a Christian, it explained a lot about my relationship with H, back when it was a pretty good R but still with the usual problems we all have in R's. But anyway his point is that you look for someone who will reopen your wound, just as your spouse does. And that you have this incredible opportunity, if you are on the same page, of healing each other's wound.

In our cases, it went the opposite direction, obviously.

But this brings me to what I have been hearing via prayer. In my case, what I hear is that only God can heal that wound,and I have to give it to him. I am not sure how to translate this to secular-speak, but I think I would say that it's great that you are seeing your wound, and I think you have to see it more. And then I think you have to watch "Good Will Hunting" again and keep telling yourself, "It's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."

You have a beautiful, open, fragile, loving heart. Most women dream of finding a man with a heart like that. Don't give up on that heart, it's not your enemy. It's the best part of you and it wasn't allowed to love the way it wanted. I am not sure how you heal that without God but I know that you have to heal it and you don't have to harden it.

[tadpole1025]

Thank you Gerda.

Your parents divorced, and you found a safe loving home with your grandma. Then you have to deal with this stepdad who doesn't get how beautiful and fragile your heart is, how full of love you are, and he brutalizes that openness of your heart by telling you that a man doesn't love like that.

Yes, my parents divorced when I was 4. My mom ran off with another man who later became my stepdad. It was rough at times. I was never really close to my biological dad. Living with him was never an option really until I was older. (Not sure he would have wanted it anyway because he had a brand new wife.) With my mom and stepdad, we were always moving every 2 years or so. Once my mom and stepdad were married, we moved from Arizona to California, to Germany, to California, to Arizona, to California and back to Arizona all from the ages of 4-17. My grandma was really my only rock, but only when we were in the same state. My stepdad would call me a wus, pu$$y, wimp, girl....whatever if I showed any type of emotion. He even made fun of me for being left-handed. Said I was uncoordinated. I became afraid to do anything because I lacked confidence. After all, I was uncoordinated. (My grandma was also left-handed and she was the one who taught me how to draw.) To this day, I have a confidence problem. And yes, I became afraid to show feelings. The childhood was unstable. As I've said before, my grandma and XW seemed to be the only stable things in my life....

I've actually heard of the book that you mentioned. Maybe I'll check it out.

You have a beautiful, open, fragile, loving heart. Most women dream of finding a man with a heart like that. Don't give up on that heart, it's not your enemy. It's the best part of you and it wasn't allowed to love the way it wanted.

Thank you for the very nice words. Would you believe that my XW pretty much said the same thing as she was leaving? "You have a wonderful heart. You're one of the rare good ones and will make someone very happy someday."

Her words. Apparently, it wasn't good enough for her though.

I wouldn't say that I've given up or hardened my heart, I'm just very cynical....I trust nobody these days. Seems like the only things that won't stab you in the back or let you down are animals which is why I seem to enjoy their company more than people. I've lost faith in most people.



Tad

[tadpole1025]

Just coming in to vent/journal.

Seems like this is really the only place for me to get things out these days.

Some of you know that I've been taking care of a homeless kitty cat. (I named him PJ for Pepper Jack because of his love for Pepper Jack cheese.)

It took nearly a year for him to come near enough where I could pet him.

Eventually, he got to where he would trust me enough to come into my apartment. I fed him every day. In the mornings, he would stop by and he would eat real quick and be on his way. In the evenings, he would come in and hang out for an hour or two. I would pet him, brush him and wipe his leaky eyes. In recent weeks, he had put on some weight and his eyes were getting better.

On Saturday (8/17), he stopped by for his breakfast and then left. I then went to work. When I got home Saturday evening, he never stopped by. On Sunday, he didn't show up for breakfast or dinner. This morning, on the way to work, I cruised through the neighborhood to try and find him. That's when I saw his body laying in front of an alley. I'm assuming that he was hit by a car.

I don't even know what to say.....Seems like every time I get close to something...I'm just tired of getting my heart broken. He was buddy. He's been a daily visitor for about two years.

I would have kept him and let him stay, but he always wanted to go back outside. I bought a litter box for him, but he never showed any interest. Maybe I should have made him stay inside. Maybe I should have forced him to stay. Kind of blame myself.

Going to miss him.

[DnJ]

God bless you Tad. You’ve got a heart of gold.

You did the kind and right thing with Pepper Jack. Love is letting him be free. And he always came by to be with you, so you know he felt safe with you.

I am sorry for the loss of your dear daily companion and friend.

I empathize with the heartache you feel; pets hold a special place in our lives. Remember the two years of happy visits with PJ, and that he and you formed a special bond.

(((Tad)))

DnJ

[job]

Tad,

I am so very sorry about PJ. He loved you unconditionally and he felt safe w/you and in your home. You took him in, fed him and made sure he had plenty of food and a warm place to stay for a bit. You may have helped him live a bit longer by being there for him.

Grieve the loss and one day, PJ will send another lost and hungry kitty your way.