Short summary: together 7 years, married 1 with a 1 year old son. I noticed W acting strange toward me and brought it up with her. BD not sure about our future. Red flags of at least EA. Few weeks after BD W informed me she would be moving out with MIL. 2 months after BD she moves out. Lots of temperature checks and cake eating. Put an end to that. 3 months after her moving out I filed for divorce.
Replying to posters on the last forum:
U and LB55, yeah you guys are correct. I mentioned that her 4 am text did not seem genuine and I didn’t really believe she wanted to work on the M. Later in the day she texted again simply saying “rude” in response to my response. Like you said LB55 if she wanted to work on it, she would try harder than a 2 word text at 4am hahah. U thanks for the advice as well.
Gonna be dropping off S with her this afternoon, first time seeing her after I filed. Thanks all.
Dropped S off and instead of instantly saying bye I let W initiate conversation. Need to to better at this in the future but anyway. W was kind of rambling and I was detecting some disrespect so I said:
Me: I better get going W: what’re you gonna do? Me: probably go on a motorcycle ride W: (mocking tone) ohhh I’m so cool, I have a motorcycle, I’m a doucheb*g. Me: Watch your mouth. Don’t talk to me like that. W: (still mocking) ohhh did I hurt your feelings. Me: no but you are being incredibly disrespectful. Goodbye. W: it was a joke, I was just joking around.
She kept going trying to draw me back but I left. Hour later she texts me picture of S and “S wants to show you his new backpack”. I haven’t responded. She still hasn’t mentioned being served or the D.
Sooo I’m glad I shut down her disrespect. Probably could have been far briefer about it. I’m upset with myself for how angry I was over the situation. I shouldn’t let interactions like this get to me or effect my mood but it did today. Need to work on that. Thanks all
I’m concerned that you filing for a D was just for a reaction. If it wasn’t you wouldn’t care about her response was or quite frankly anything she does or says.
I get where you are coming from. I filed cuz I don’t want to be married to the person she has become. I want to be with who my W was. However that person is gone and I have no idea if or when she will come back. I filed for that reason. I don’t want to be stuck in limbo with the person I no longer respect, if she can work on her issues and become similar or better than her previous self, great. If not, D is the best option for me.
I agree though, I shouldn’t care what she thinks or does but idk being disrespected like that made me angry. The same way I would feel if anyone else in the world said that to me. Maybe that’s just how I am but I know I should have a better reign on my emotions.
I do however want to document our interactions and her reactions. Reading others situations and interactions around my BD was monumental in helping me understand what was going on and what to expect. If others reading my sitch feel less alone or learn anything at all from it, I will be glad.
I will add however, that for the first time since BD, I feel that I am the one in control. And it is a huge weight off of my shoulders.
I get where you are coming from. I filed cuz I don’t want to be married to the person she has become. I want to be with who my W was. However that person is gone and I have no idea if or when she will come back. I filed for that reason. I don’t want to be stuck in limbo with the person I no longer respect, if she can work on her issues and become similar or better than her previous self, great. If not, D is the best option for me.
I agree though, I shouldn’t care what she thinks or does but idk being disrespected like that made me angry. The same way I would feel if anyone else in the world said that to me. Maybe that’s just how I am but I know I should have a better reign on my emotions.
I do however want to document our interactions and her reactions. Reading others situations and interactions around my BD was monumental in helping me understand what was going on and what to expect. If others reading my sitch feel less alone or learn anything at all from it, I will be glad.
I will add however, that for the first time since BD, I feel that I am the one in control. And it is a huge weight off of my shoulders.
Thanks
I know it was hard to file for D since it probably wasn't what you wanted but it was probably for the best. I feel the same about my situation, it was filed last Friday - we were both cordial on it. I was torn inside but I had so many mixed feelings (anger, disgusted, betrayed, etc.) I couldn't look past on what she has done to me but in my heart I still love the woman, just not the one she has become.
I come here for a lot of support and you guys have been awesome. It definitely makes me feel less lonely given the circumstances. Even small updates, I'll post on here because I know I'll get a straight response/advice instead of beating around the bush.
It probably took a lot of strength for you to file but if you feel that was the right thing to do, more power to you. Especially since you mention that a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulder, a feeling of relief.
Keep working on your S and yourself. Stay positive, you'll come out as a bigger and better man.
Dropped S off and instead of instantly saying bye I let W initiate conversation. Need to to better at this in the future but anyway.
If she wants to talk that's fine, just limit your responses to validation comments.
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Me: I better get going
Good.
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W: what’re you gonna do? Me: probably go on a motorcycle ride
Next time- "I have some plans, need to get going." If her responses are that disrespectful then she doesn't deserve to know what your plans are.
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W: (mocking tone) ohhh I’m so cool, I have a motorcycle, I’m a doucheb*g. Me: Watch your mouth. Don’t talk to me like that.
Right idea but wrong attitude. Don't let her drag you down to her level.
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W: (still mocking) ohhh did I hurt your feelings. Me: no but you are being incredibly disrespectful. Goodbye.
THAT is the right attitude. Perfect.
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She kept going trying to draw me back but I left.
Great!
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Hour later she texts me picture of S and “S wants to show you his new backpack”. I haven’t responded.
On the off chance that your S really did want to show it to you, I would not ignore messages about S. Reply back with a response to him such as "Tell S I think that backpack looks awesome."
Hey Leo, I’m familiar with your sitch. But yeah haha as bad as it sounds I’m glad there are others going through this. I obviously wouldn’t wish this on anyone but I’m glad we have all been able to provide support and advice to others in similar situations to our own.
AS, I appreciate your analysis. I enjoyed getting feedback on my conversations it is appreciated. Like I said I felt that I did well in some places but not great in others.
Sooo bit of a question. W has been texting me a lot more than previously. My guess is that it’s just distance pursuit in action.
Anyway she first texted apologizing about the other day. I didn’t reply. Then she asked if I would come to the park with her and my S tomorrow. I politely declined because I have work. She then replied that “ok well let me know if you can make it work or change your mind”. I didn’t reply to this. A few hours later another text. “I want to get lunch with you tomorrow.”
I’m not sure what the point of all this is. I made it clear over a month ago that I wasn’t interested in being friends or having family time anymore. I did well at enforcing this and thought she had gotten the message.
I do not think this is any attempt to reconnect as I truly don’t believe she feels remorse for her actions and I still think she has resentment from the past year of me not showing her enough love. It just seems like she still needs to go through the long process.
As I’m typing this she texted me trying to plan a breakfast date the day after tomorrow. Wtf.
If she is asking you to spend time with her without your S then maybe she wants to spend some time with you.
"I do not think this is any attempt to reconnect as I truly don't believe she feels remorse for her actions and I still think she has resentment from the past year of me not showing enough love"
I don't think you should be guessing at what she is thinking...if it's one thing we've all learned it's that there is no use in trying to figure out the WAS.
What if she is making an attempt to reconnect? And here you are denying all attempts.
If you're detached can't you accept the odd invite and see what happens?
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Generally the forum will advise against playing family, etc. This is great advice because so many of us fall into the same familiar LBS traps of holding onto hope then getting punched in the nuts.
If you have achieved a state of loving detachment, you are free to choose what you want to do. Family time or not? Do what you want. Just don't do it with expectations.
As far as playing friends that is a little different. I will say I'm a little alarmed at your W reaching out so often at this time - be wary of any ulterior motives she may have. My guess is she wants to talk about the D.
Anyway she first texted apologizing about the other day. I didn’t reply. Then she asked if I would come to the park with her and my S tomorrow. I politely declined because I have work. She then replied that “ok well let me know if you can make it work or change your mind”. I didn’t reply to this. A few hours later another text. “I want to get lunch with you tomorrow.”
She pushed you away with her rude comments the other day and now she's trying to pull you back in. Good job not taking the bait! If she keeps this up then just tell her you're not interested in having a meal with her and ask her what it is that she wants.
