Gerda's Prayer Takes the Form of Angels

[Gerda]

Job or whoever knows -- I am wondering if many here have written about the MLCer trying on same sex attraction/activity as part of replay. I have no evidence of that happening in my case and I do know that there was at least one OW so far, but I have wondered if there were posts about this here, if it was ever part of the spiral since everything else is also opposite. The fact that a male friend is paying my H's legal fees (as a loan I assume) when that friend knew us for years, is godfather to my kids and knows that I was standing for the marriage has given me some pause.

[job]

Gerda,

There are/were a few who experimented with same sex attraction/activity as part of replay. You have to remember that when in replay, they are back to their teens and teens tend to have best buds who are very close to them, they hang w/them, on the phone w/them and have each other's backs in the mix. There have been some who were very close to their friends and hung out w/them while in crisis so much so that their behavior was questionable to all who saw them. You have to remember that during the crisis, they are curious and will experiment because they are free to so, i.e., just like teens do.

Gerda, I may be wrong, but I think your h and his friend are just that...friends and he is helping him out of a so called bad situation. You do not have any idea what your h has told him. They do love to play the victim when it comes to getting others to help them. There is nothing you can do about your h's friend assisting him. If that friend is dumb enough to provide funds to your h for his divorce, then that is on him. You can't control what other people do or think.

Keep the focus on you and your children.

[Gerda]

Thank you, Job, that makes a lot of sense about the teen friend closeness, I think you wrote about that before but I had forgotten. It really is like that for kids/teens, so that makes sense.

Honestly that issue is not something I would have thought and I was trying not to say too much about it here, but a number of people have asked me about it, unsolicited by me. Usually it is an assumption made based on something they saw. I always brush it off and put it in the same file I put their comments when they ask if he is doing drugs or when they ask me where my God is, etc, but I started to wonder if it was something I needed to consider/face about my past and future with him. I think if God can heal anything, but I also want to be clear-headed.

Lately I also notice that his relationship with D10 is like that, what you are saying about teen friendships. It's not like a father and daughter but like two desperate besties in middle school. It's very desperate and cloying. in addition to talking about me in a very confusing way -- e.g., criticizing me and saying I am hiding money but then telling her he feels sorry for me and loves me -- he texts her way too much, she is always anxious about when he will call or when he will text, if he will be mad at her, etc. He told her he was going to get two tattoos -- some design but also her initials, which happen to be his initials as well. He used to make fun of people who got tattoos. It's all scripted, I know. Seems like he went into replay six years ago, started to climb out of it two years ago, and then plunged back in full throttle in Jan 2018. And here we are.

I am keeping the focus on me and my kids but I am in a period of deep questioning about my stand and so I can't not think of some of these things as I sift through my past and future a little. Mostly I try to do what my best friend advised, which is to just live hour by hour. But sometimes you have to take a look at things.

[Grace21]

I am keeping the focus on me and my kids but I am in a period of deep questioning about my stand and so I can't not think of some of these things as I sift through my past and future a little. Mostly I try to do what my best friend advised, which is to just live hour by hour. But sometimes you have to take a look at things

I too am questioning my stand. Praying lots about it. I don't know if I have it in me anymore. I'm not making any decisions right now, as my emotions are raw (I posted about it). But, events are unfolding and time will bring answers. As for living hour by hour, that is a good plan, but I agree that sometimes we have to look at a bigger picture. After all, I think it's fair as we need to plan about for our future, and looking at all the angles is part of that.

(((hugs)))

[Gerda]

Grace -- I still believe that standing is the best way. It's me that I am questioning. So the questioning is challenging my view of who I am in Christ. I'm still reading that amazing book about Father Arseny, I think I mentioned it to you and I truly recommend it. But it is showing me many things about faith, about the gift of yourself to others -- but also about how God's will is going to be done even if you fight it. I think I am not sure about God's will anymore, as far as my H goes. I am not positive my marriage was in His will to begin with. But I am also not sure if I am making excuses. I still do not see myself remarrying or having a man around my kids. But I think I am trying to surrender my ideas of the future and just live in today as the small way that I can try to get closer to God. I don't trust God with my future right now but I still trust Him with my present, so I am trying to go with that.

So many terrible terrible things have happened. I haven't been writing them here. I never even told the rat story I promised DnJ but it changed from being a little bit funny to a set-up for something that got worse after --- THE appraisal is a source of huge stress already because the court appointed an appraiser that cost $1200 instead of the ones I found that cost $600, and I finally had to agree because H wouldn't budge - and then his L called the appraiser and told her I was running a business at the house and so she changed the price to $4500. So there was no way I could pay H his August payment, which I already couldn't afford. I normally never write to him but I was desperate, I kept asking him to allow another appraiser if he wanted to get paid Aug 1 and he wouldn't answer but in between would write those horrible abusive e-mails that I sometimes post here. So the morning of the appraisal I was freaking out about the bill and how it would clean me out and I would get in trouble with the court at the next conference.

We had been told that we weren't allowed to be at the appraisal, so I was going let them in and then disappear, and S14 was home as well. I have the rental units and a dog so my excuse was going to be that I couldn't let them go around without me, but I knew that meeting me would get me a little sympathy because I am a great gal in person, and it's obvious I am just a mom trying to hold on to her home. I was joking with a friend that I was going to leave syringes and rat carcasses around for the appraisal. But I had been looking at a lot of comps from broker newsletters and getting confidence about what I think the house is worth, there have been setbacks in my ability to refi but I kept thinking, just one step at a time, it will become clear if you have to sell it. So I am waiting for the appraiser to show up and she is late, so I get nervous, waiting, waiting. Then I finally call my L and he hadn't told me they changed the time, so I start getting really anxious about waiting and missing work. Then I look out the window and saw H standing outside with another man, and he has been forbidden by the court from being there, and what is most gross is that H is laughing with this very smug and evil smile on his face, like he is on the top of the world. It's so evil that it literally chills me to the bone. I freak out and call my L, and we start a series of calls back and forth, the usual screaming, calls to the court, and while this is happening, S14 starts screaming from upstairs in the shower -- apparently a RAT ran through the bathroom while he was there! So then I am freaking out because there is a rat in the house -- good for me for the appraisal but horrifying for me personally and for the rental units. I am trying to call a handyman, a pest guy, and in between the calls to court and L. I see the other guy still standing out front, so I go outside thinking he could be the appraiser and say, "Can I help you?" And as soon as he starts walking toward me with his linen pants and tanned skin, I know he is a broker. He says, "Oh, hi, I am a friend of H," and I instantly say, "No, you are not a friend. You are a broker and you are not allowed to be here." He admits he is a broker. And things go from there, more phone calls, screaming, the appraiser shows up and refuses to come inside unless I find a friend and disappear from the house, every time I go in, my son is screaming about the rat, I go back outside and the appraiser is standing there with the broker! I say to her, "You know that is a broker, right?" And she says, "No, that's a friend of your H's." And I said, "No, tell her," to the broker, and he admits it, she freaks out, calls the court, I run to find a neighbor to show them the house, my neighbor finally shows up and I start sobbing hysterically from the tension (not in front of appraiser), and then finally the appraisal happens. And on Aug 1, I send H only $500, which I can't even afford, and say I will send more as the month goes on but that I am out of money from paying appraiser.

A few days later I leave for a 10-day trip to my favorite place, which is on an island a few hours from my city. I stay in a share house and do some work there so I get a very low rate; I was going to rent out my apartment to pay for it but now have to pay the money to H, but I am making peace with having no money and trying to be still and enjoy the beauty. Good things are happening here -- I am starting to relax a little, getting some work done and some family time, I even found S14 a job with some contractors I know there and it is miraculous the effect being around a bunch of working guys is having on him, even though at night we still have to have our long walks about his thoughts of drugs, suicide, etc. And on day three, I get a call from my L that I have to go back to court the next day because H has filed an emergency motion for contempt of court because I didn't pay, and he has put all kinds of extra stuff in it, like demanding a forced sale of our rental house to take place that week! I did not go back to the city but I had to pay my L to go and defend me. The judge was furious that H and his L were wasting the court's time after I was only 7 days late and had started paying, and she refused to hear any of the pork barrel add-ons, but she had to be fair since I was under court order to pay him, and so she gave me only 7 days to come up with the rest. And I ended up having to make a deal about giving him our car and taking what he owes me on tickets and boots only out of his share of the asset when we settle or go to trial! But the thing is, our car is not going to pass inspection in the fall, so it was about to be junked anyway, I don't know why he even fought for it since he can't afford to pay to fix it or even really afford gas and insurance.

The next day a clogged pipe broke in one of our guest apartments and I had another crazy story of how I managed to get it fixed myself, and the day after that I had to spend four hours cleaning out our dark airless wet basement with this crazy guy who lives in our neighborhood so I could put down rat traps!!!

It is amazing to me that H can see from bank statements, etc., that I am completely out of money, literally have just hundreds of dollars left for the rest of the summer til my work starts back up in the fall, and he does not care that I have no way to feed/clothe the kids or pay the mortgage, he is obsessed with getting his payment, and even in this incredibly self-righteous way as if I am the one wronging him. He does not think he should have to work but only that I should have to sell, he doesn't think of the impact on his kids, especially S, of having to sell and move right as school is starting, and he doesn't understand that even if we settled tomorrow, it would take months to sell and settle and we would still have to pay all our bills in the interim.

Seeing how bent on my destruction he is is scary to me. I accept that he is in MLC, so intellectually I am not really angry with him. I don't want anything to do with him but I know that anger is useless with an MLCer, and I can only make my way through the rubble. But I am still personally bowled over by the onslaught of evil from him and from his L. It is hard to watch and to constantly be dragged back in to it. I go to court almost once a month now and always only one tiny thing gets done and always it is a screaming horror show. I just can't believe how all this has progressed to this point. I went from trying to drag it out and not participate to praying for a rapid end to the whole proceeding, even though it ends with me as a divorced woman.

[job]

Gerda,

If you have to sell the house, where would you consider living? I hate to say this, but it just might be a "relief" for you and your family to sell the house and move into another place, i.e., w/less headaches of constantly having things break down. I know you are adamant about keeping this place, but if I were in your shoes, I would seriously consider selling and moving. The place is dragging you down financially and your children need a place that doesn't have so much negativity in it as well as the constant repair issues.

There comes a time when you need to realize that you can't win every war, and will need to choose your battles wisely. From where I am sitting, I would seriously think about selling the home because at this rate, you will not be debt free of the problems with it for many years, if then. Putting band aids on the problems will just bring those issues back around at a later date. The house needs a serious rehab to take care of those issues and you do not have the money to do these things.

Your h wants his share of the assets regardless of whether he worked on not. In some states, the court will drop the hammer and the other working spouse has to pay spousal support and fork over half of the assets. I do not know what your state says about such things, but you need to be on your toes because the only way that you are going to get any relief from this madness is to settle up and move forward. You can still stand, but you've got to get rid of him and let his anger settle down. The more you try to reason w/everyone and tell them you have no money, the more fuel you are putting on his anger fire. This tug of war will not end soon until someone says "enough" and makes some decisions about all of the assets.

Gerda, the only way that you are going to get through this madness is to start looking at all of this as a business deal gone south and leave the emotions on the street. I know it's been h3ll on you, but you've got to toughen up and use your business skills now.

[Gerda]

Job, it is not a house but a business. I am just trying to hold on to my business. If I can't refi, I plan to sell. I am seeing things very clearly as a business woman only but I can't talk about the details of the business or the house value here. I have made my peace with losing the business. I already lost one business because of H's MLC, and I know this one might be next, but it will be amazing for me if I can hold on to it. It all depends on the refi, and if it doesn't happen, that will be that, I will be at peace about selling.

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

Thanks for sharing about the rat. That would have freaked me out too. I bet S14 was pretty wound up.

I’m glad the appraisal is done. It sure was an ordeal. What was H doing there with a broker anyhow? On that day, at that time. Suspiciously weird. I think you were dealing with three rats that day.

I am sorry on how hard all this is on you. I really do feel for you. Being me, and accurate - you are in a better place, a good place. It shows in your postings. Thoughtful, more emotionally stable.

I do understand the questioning of your faith or trust at the moment. You will figure it out, and find your way, of that I have no doubt.

I am proud and impressed with you Gerda. Your H is h3ll bent on divorce, I know a little of how that feels. You’ve done all you could to delay; and now you are praying and moving towards finding a quick resolution. Much respect.

DnJ

[Grace21]

Gerda -

You are an amazing woman. Handling all that you do. You are strong, and amazing. Events are unfolding for which you have no control over. God must be guiding them though, but I understand how it's hard for us to envision his master plan. You are doing a marvelous job to handling what life is throwing at you.

Thanks for the reminder about Father Arseny. I actually had forgetten. I'll look into it today.

(((Gerda)))

Grace

[Gerda]

What was H doing there with a broker anyhow? On that day, at that time. Suspiciously weird. I think you were dealing with three rats that day.

I am sorry on how hard all this is on you. I really do feel for you. Being me, and accurate - you are in a better place, a good place. It shows in your postings. Thoughtful, more emotionally stable.

I do understand the questioning of your faith or trust at the moment. You will figure it out, and find your way, of that I have no doubt.

I am proud and impressed with you Gerda. Your H is h3ll bent on divorce, I know a little of how that feels. You’ve done all you could to delay; and now you are praying and moving towards finding a quick resolution. Much respect.

DnJ

First, about the broker -- In H's addled mind, he thought he could outwit everyone by pretending that he had sent a friend to "represent" him. I guess he thought that a broker could secretly influence the appraiser to inflate the value of the house? Or that a broker could get a first foot in the door for when I am forced to sell, as if I would use that broker? Honestly it makes no sense whatsoever. But what does with MLC? Consider that H still thinks I am hiding/stealing money and mismanaging everything, despite extremely clear numbers now being on court record.

About the rest -- I read this with interest and then had to notice what I was doing in response. Maybe because I am a woman (e.g., when someone says, "you look pretty," we want to explain all the things that are in fact not pretty), but I noticed that I did not believe you. I was thinking that either I must have sounded terrible before, and this seemed almost humiliating, or that you were just trying to be supportive and that it wasn't true! I could not actually take it at face value. I am not fishing here, but becoming aware at the rather dark state of Gerda's overall confidence level, despite what is admittedly a clearer head.

This past week I am still at the beautiful island but things continued to happen with tax issues, court, etc., and I kept having to deal with those things and then with S14's evening spirals. I speak to my best friend a lot but on Monday when a new thing happened I realized that I couldn't call her any more as I couldn't hear myself talk about another disaster. I had a big talk with God and realized something important, I think as a result of reading the Father Arseny book -- that I get tempted at times to ask God why all this is happening, or to be angry with God or tell him it's too much and I can't take it anymore or it's not fair, etc. But that really most of what is happening to me are the natural consequences of man-made crises -- e.g., a tax levy froze all my accounts this week and I had to spend two days dealing with that. But really, that was the direct consequence of financial disasters that happened with our first business when H started his MLC and then I had cancer. Now finally six years later, I can't put off dealing with it anymore. So really it is an opportunity to start shoveling one of the many piles of cr#p that have been left. In thinking this I was able to feel a little lighter about it, like, okay, yes, finally I will deal with that pile, and then it's on to the next and maybe soon there will be almost no MLC-related piles left.

But I do notice that I am extremely burdened by what has happened to S14 and what is unfolding in his life. I see all of it as the outcome of the MLC. I know the MLC is not my fault and yet I feel horrible about the life I have given him and how crippling it is for him. I am constantly catching myself trying to fix it, or fix S14, and when I try to recognize that I am doing that and give it to God, I then have to recognize that I am still not trusting God with S14. I am dreading the present times with him and I am dreading the future outcomes. Yes, jumping the gun, doing all that I shouldn't. But at least I am recognizing these things more clearly than before.

And now a walk on the beach in the moonlight.