Moving on #3

[joejoe1]

Petri,

Wow, that's a hard spot to be in brother. I think, her telling you she is suicidal, is if huge concern. I would reach out to make sure she is ok.

DBing is way less important than, seeing if she needing to get help.

It looks like that fantasy is crashing, and reality is hitting like a ton of bricks. Looking back on all the damage WS cause is probably as hard as a LBS being hit with BD.

Keep posting.

[petri]

At first I was thinking that this was her some sort of stunt. But when she brought up an abortion we had years ago I knew this is real. She hasn't mentioned it once after it was done. And when she talked about suicide. I have never heard anything like that from her. And she talked about the other man she has been with. He's been constantly abusing her verbally. I told her that I do have concerns about her wellbeing. We'll see how thing evolve from here.

[petri]

Today she had a totally different tone. There has been no verbal abuse. Just misundertandings. She is just in a vulnerable mindset now. She just needs time to process the D and she can move on with the new man. I'm not sure what to do right now. My concern are our kids. She has death wishes, in her relationship the word w*ore has become familiar, she doesn't know what is ok and what is not...

[Btrow]

Petri, have you ever really TALKED to XW since D or is all communicaton through texts? And one more thing based on the weird way she acts, could she have an alcohol or substance problem?

[petri]

I've tried to talk. She hasn't wanted to, no need to. And yes. She uses alcohol as a way to escape these emotions.

[SteveLW]

Yeah, don't talk to her. She has her own issues to work through. Keep doing you Petri!

[AnotherStander]

Petri, wow this is a tough situation. First of all you were right to play it cool when your XW expressed regrets about the D. You certainly don't want to roll out the red carpet at the first sign of regret. Second, there's not a lot you can do for your XW because she doesn't want your help. If the suicide threats continue then I would first contact your L to work on a strategy to get full custody of the kids, and second (if your L approves) contact a suicide hotline for advice. You can't personally help her but maybe you can be the means to her getting help.

We did have a person that posted here years ago, he and his XW got divorced and he didn't talk to her much but said whenever he did that she was off the rails. Then one day he popped in to say she had committed suicide and that was the last he posted here. Ever since then I take it very seriously whenever someone says their WAS has mentioned suicide. It's not always an empty threat or cry for attention, sometimes they have fallen into deep depression.

[petri]

I don't think that she would do it. I do think that she has hit a rock bottom. The R she is having isn't the dream she was

having. She told me that the man hasn't seen our kids much b/c she doesn't want to involve him in their lives b/c she has

a gut feeling that the R is coming to an end. And the realization that our R actually wasn't that bad and that she D'd out of

her own identity crisis leaving our family broken. I don't want to feel what she is feeling. I think that a BD is nothing

compared to that. What it comes to helping her...I said that the only thing I can do for you is hope that you seek help for

yourself b/c you need it right now. She agreed.

One thing bothers me(I know it shouldn't). She said that she's let things be done to her, calling names/insults quite often.

I then mentioned that "as the father of our kids, if I am aware that you are in a relationship where there is emotional

violence, I am obligated to brimg this information to child services". She then said that there is nothing like that, you don't

know what you're talking about. We've just had a rough time a bit longer. Here's what bothers me: if I frequently call my

spouse a w*ore, idiot, stupid b*tch, tell her to go f*** herself etc., isn't that emotional violence? Have I misunderstood

something?

[SteveLW]

I am not sure about your term "emotional violence".

Is it verbally abusive? Yes.

Emotional violence might be a bit of an exaggeration. I am sure she is getting as good as she gets, too.

Personally, I think verbal abuse gets way over blown these days. I could see if there was a threat of physical violence that there would be a concern. But then I am rather old school in my "sticks and stones" mindset.

[joejoe1]

Petri,

Being in the military, I don't know how many times I heard a family member or friend say this statement before a person has taken their own life, "I don't think that she (or he) would do it.". I wouldn't diminish the seriousness of the situations because of how you feel.

You don't know how deep a person think they have gotten themselves in their own head.

I wouldn't of told a person that think they are telling you they are thinking about hurting themselves, you are obligated to take their kids. I would fall back on discussing her relationship or ya'll relationship for a while. Just my opinion.

Joe