An affair is not a deal breaker for me under certain conditions. She would have to get another job next year and out of the county. We agreed upon this a month ago with the exception that she may have to stay in the county. She quickly reminded me that she would still have to see him due to them both being principals. She is hoping to get a job as an assistant principal next year. I really should have called the Superintendent when I caught them together but there was really no proof other than my word against hers. At this point I know our relationship is over. I have a hard time everyday with thoughts of contacting the OM, his wife, and the Superintendent of schools. I do know the assistant superintendent fairly well. She taught me in school. She is the one that called my wife 2 years ago.
So to define it a bit better...the affair in and of itself isn't a deal breaker.
The conditions you state are related to possible reconciliation...things she would have to do before you'd consider remaining in the marriage. Getting a new job and ending the A are conditions before you'd reconcile? Nice to think about but there is a ton of hard work to be done before you're there though. Lots of denial, hand wringing, hurtful words, relapses, etc...its a marathon for you that may still end in D. Is your goal to keep the marriage together?
She probably isn't just going to go 'ok! that is a great idea H!' and end her affair and get a new job and possibly move somewhere new when you tell her that is what it will take. I don't think that is a good conversation to have; just know your conditions if the situation ever gets to that point. Its still her decision.
Should have, would have, could have...its in the past brother...you could have told on her years ago...it likely would have just resulted in going deeper into secrecy. Focus on the now, and making yourself a better man.
There are probably actions you could take against her AP and so forth and out them publicly...would it fix the issue is the question? Or would it make it worse?
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
Yes, my goal is to keep the marriage together. My goal right now is to continue to work on myself and get more involved in my coaching career. I am also working on being a better father for my two boys 18 and 13. I know in time this will play itself out. Her own parents have told me to not give up, pray about it, and it will come out eventually. Like I said we live in a small community and this would ruin her reputation.
If I took action I'm not sure what would happen. I think more harm to my family and boys would be done. It would cause a lot of heartache and pain for her family as well. She already feels isolated from her parents due to me telling them. They live within a mile of this guy and his family. She is even related to his wife but not by blood. We live in a small farming community in the South.
Hell, I dated his wife in high school so talking to her wouldn't be a problem. She probably already knows something isn't right anyways. I wouldn't want to ruin their family either. They just built a home on her family land and its in her name so that tells me a lot.
I know reconciling is in the distant future. I haven't had any of those talks with her at this point. She doesn't want to talk about that right now. She avoids these conversations. I have made it clear to her that I am not leaving my house and she would have to leave. I also told her she would have to file for divorce, in which she responded, I guess Ill just have to be the bad guy.
Her father who teaches in the county also, told her on Sunday that he was going to approach the guy and tell him to leave her daughter alone. This is why she began sleeping in a different bed and why she also hasn't been intimate with me. She said I was too emotional to deal with being intimate. She started sleeping in another bed on Monday.
The truth always finds it way out is what I have seen here. While it is admirable that you don't want to ruin her reputation or her AP's family, is it REALLY you that ruined it or did her/their choices ruin it? Food for thought. I'm not saying you out her to anyone, she has to deal with the consequences, not you. Will it affect you, yes, and that is what you're fighting.
I've lived in the south, there can be some revenge and stuff going on in those small towns when this kind of stuff happens. I only spent about 6 years down there, so definitely not as long as you. I understand that dynamic a bit though and your concern on that front.
Sounds like you and your family are religious?
Of course she avoids conversations about ending it. Shes having a blast and cant quit the drug. Heroine addicts don't want to talk about quitting either. Until something happens to change their mind they will keep using. That something is rarely a person convincing them. Good that you've stated youre staying put in the house. She is mad that you've blown up her affair to her family? Oh well. Let her enjoy the spare bedroom.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
No we are not that religious but her family has always been. If I had my family in church like I should have then I know we wouldn’t be in this situation. She blames me for the affair. She is very smart and has claimed it’s just a symptom of the problem. She did counseling for 2 sessions by herself and quit.
No we are not that religious but her family has always been. If I had my family in church like I should have then I know we wouldn’t be in this situation. She blames me for the affair. She is very smart and has claimed it’s just a symptom of the problem. She did counseling for 2 sessions by herself and quit.
This is just nonsense brother. Not the part about keeping the family in church, but the part about her affair being your fault. Don’t believe that crap. She will blame you for the dog getting cancer, rain that ruins her picnic with him, a flat tire on her car when she hits a pothole, and the Browns winning the super bowl. You’ll be blamed for everything you can think of because she CANNOT be responsible in her own mind.
I was remiss in church attendance too; I am the churchgoer and she never much cared for it. Never went once while I was gone and the year gone just was too much. I suspect she found an affair partner in late October and has t looked back. It’s her choice.
She was particularly in a foul mood tonight. I picked up the kids, she tried to lecture me about how to get the kids to the doctor if they get hurt; I already know how to do this, I’m an adult and a parent. I told her I felt she was questioning my parenting ability again and I asked her to stop. She stormed off, came back while the kids were getting buckled up and threw pizza coupons at me through the truck window and stormed off. I’m finding it quite amusing as I reflect back on it. ‘You don’t want my advice??? I’ll throw these pizza coupons at you! Ha I got you good!’ Craziness I tell you!
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
I picked up the kids, she tried to lecture me about how to get the kids to the doctor if they get hurt; I already know how to do this, I’m an adult and a parent. I told her I felt she was questioning my parenting ability again and I asked her to stop.
LB I see we continue to fight the same battle!
Did you thank her for the pizza coupons?!
bballer - Every adult on this planet is responsible for their own actions and their own emotional well-being. Don't take any unnecessary blame.
Common blaming phrases I hear from my W:
"You made me feel..." Nobody can make anyone feel anything "You made me do..." Huh? "I know you don't like to..." Mind-reading
Keep an ear out and you'll start to recognize your W's go-to blaming patterns. And you'll also recognize how they are all bait traps trying to get you sucked into pointless arguments.
We are not that far along yet. We rarely do any arguing as of now. I have been detaching and its made her curious but I shouldn't really care. Spent some time with my aunt last night and she told me that a pharmacist she works with said I was good looking so that really helped my self-esteem. lol Taking it one day at a time. .
Yes just focus on yourself. My EXWW got very threatening when she thought I was going to out her and her boss to their leadership at her work. They would have both lost their jobs because she was paying for the resorts on her credit card and her boss was the one that approved the reimbursement. So they were staying at these $450+ per night resorts, several nights at a time, week after week, for months.
I had outted my EXWW to my family and hers because she was mistreating me horribly in front of them and acting like I was this horrible human. I stopped talking to others about her A though and just focused on myself.
At this point you need to accept that she is not going to stop doing what she is doing. Even if you blew it up she probably wouldnt stop. She would literally get mad at you for hurting her "lover". Its a disgusting mindset that they get in. I have no clue how someone can do that to their family.
That pharmacist saying you are good looking is just a reminder to you that there are literally billions of other people on this planet. There are plenty of women that would fight for your attention and fight to be important to you. Drop that rope. You may not want your WW back after you detach. I sure didn't and I decided that the level of mistreatment and betrayal was a dealbreaker.
My EXWW did the filing for D and pretty much agreed to all of my terms. We did not go to court. It was fairly "simple" transaction wise because she knew she f**ked up badly. But even with her sort of admitting fault she never stopped and never looked back. I sure hope she found that happiness she was looking for now that she lives alone, her boyfriend lives with his wife in a different state and she has to live without our kids half the time while they are with me.
I have a WONDERFUL new woman in my life who is amazing, stunningly gorgeous (like out of my league gorgeous lol) and she shows me with action that she wants to be a part of my life and she understands that words don't mean sh*t and action means everything. This woman made an effort that I have never seen before to show me she cares about me. Everything happens for a reason and you will be fine regardless if your MR stayes together and you reconcile or if you end up D. You just have to remember to keep the focus on yourself and your kids. Be aloof when you are around your WW and be busy bettering yourself and being a great father.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Thanks SoTorn. I’m glad you found happiness and living a fulfilling life. I know I can have that same life even though it feels as if that can’t happen at this point. My current wife is way out of my league and all my friends let me know that. Part of my problem is being from a broken home, I always felt like she would find someone else and that I was undeserving due to her being so Pretty and Intelligent. After 2 months I have been doing better emotionally and I know it’s very early in this process. We talked this morning and she wants out of the marriage but she doesn’t want to be the one to file. Too bad because I’m going to stick it out and move on with my life in the meantime. I hate that because it’s like living together but being single at the same time. Not sure if that’s good for the boys but time will tell. Thanks for sharing your story.
