I've made a complete 180 and that seems to have made it worse. I am doing everything as she was doing it before. Cooking, cleaning, paying the bills, washing and folding all the clothes.
How’s that working out? Cooking. Cleaning. Laundry.
Total beta man behavior. Wash her car, clean the toilets, vacuum the rugs, brush the dog, vacuum the fridge cooling coils. It won’t make a hoot of difference. She isn’t looking for a maid.
You may have done things wrong...but not EVERYTHING...marriage is push and pull... either spouse is a partly responsible for the failure.
Take care of yourself. Stop being the wimpy house cleaner. Helping out is fine but don’t take it as your sole duty in life. Vacuuming isn’t why she is upset.
Last edited by LB55; 08/09/1905:37 AM.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
Sorry you are here but we will be able to help you with your situation.
It's very important that you print out and implement Sandi's rules until you get the hang of it. Everything you feel is the right thing to do is probably not. Telling her parents and becoming merrymaid are no nos. Do your share of the house work but that's it. Listen and validate and cut those convos short. Sorry I have to run then go and do something. You can't connect with a woman who has another man on her mind.
Think of your W is a cat. The more you try to hold onto a cat the more it wants to get away from you. The cat will comeback when it's curious. How can you become curious to the cat?
This is probably the hardest thing you will ever do and the key to it all is you have to be patient and limit your mistakes. Do not apply any pressure and know that this will likely take many months or more than likely years to play out.
bballer, to build on LH's post (and LB55's), you make the cat curious by becoming attractive. Attractiveness requires commanding respect. Sorry, but you do not command respect by being Mr. Maid.
Start thinking about ways you can command respect. Sandi's rules are a great start!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You are exactly right. Thanks for the insight. I know my old relationship is over. I have to make a plan to somehow move on and one way is to get myself totally involved with my coaching. It will keep me busy until late in the evening. I’m finding it hard to detach right now because I feel like I’m neglecting my son if I’m not home when he gets there. Why does she get angry if I try to detach myself right now?
You are exactly right. Thanks for the insight. I know my old relationship is over. I have to make a plan to somehow move on and one way is to get myself totally involved with my coaching. It will keep me busy until late in the evening. I’m finding it hard to detach right now because I feel like I’m neglecting my son if I’m not home when he gets there. Why does she get angry if I try to detach myself right now?
Because she feels a loss of control over you. As you detach, and you stop reacting emotionally to her crap, it will show her that YOU are in control of YOU. Not her. Most WAS think that after BD they are total control of the MR and LBS. Some of them react badly if and when the LBS starts to show that they are in control of themselves, and even have control in whether the MR stays or goes. I know in my own sitch, when my W saw that I had started to embrace the possibility of us splitting up, she started having second thoughts almost immediately. You never know how they'll react, sometimes they react with anger.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
My EXWW also got mad when she felt me pulling away. She got mad solely because she lost control of the situation. My EXWW had it all planned out. She literally thought I wouldnt find out and that she would convince me that her not loving me anymore was my fault.
She would tell me things like "I just need space right now, if you don't leave me alone then I will go file for D". Your WW wants you as plan b. My EXWW even tried to get me to stay living in the house with her for the sake of the kids and stability. I ruined her plan to have her cake and eat it by finding out about her A.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
I agree. She knows that I know but is so caught up right now she has convinced herself it isn’t true and that they are just Co-workers. He is married as well so their situation is pretty screwed up. Waiting this out will be difficult because I know that them being together is almost an impossible idea considering he is a Principal and she is a teacher. the only thing she will admit to is that them seeing each other off campus was unprofessional. I just hate it for my son because he is in my wife’s class along with her affair partners daughter. For them to be together she would have to get a job somewhere else in the county next year. She has a pretty good idea that she will be moving next year because she mentions it all the time. I have to believe she wants to eventually be with him or she would try reconciling now with plans to go somewhere else next year.
Its ridiculous how they lie. I hired a PI and have video proof of my EXWW staying in the same resort hotel room over several nights.
After confronting her they cane up with a story that he was really sick and she stayed with him to make sure he was ok. Desparately trying to convince me that there was no affair. She almost beloeved herself.
Believe nothing they say and half of what they do.
Yes, your expectations need to be set to zero with your WW. Stop trying to mind read or assume what she plans. Just accept that as of now, focusing on yourself is the path to happiness and being emotionally healthy.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
This kind of stuff happens everyday in our school systems and they just sweep it under the rug. She got a call 2 years ago from the assistant superintendent that there was rumors about them. That was two years ago!!! I don't want to see her lose her job but we live in a small community and people have to know what is going on. Everyone at her school probably knows too. The kind of thing people know but don't really say much outside of private conversations. I feel like I should leave and file for divorce considering all the betrayal and deception that has taken place. If we reconcile it will be difficult to get past all she has told me and the way she has behaved the past two months. Thanks for all the support on here!
