I have one more to add to kml's list: Self starter and can follow through on what you say you will do.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Criteria for new woman: 1) Must like cats 2) Must be fiscally responsible and hopefully self-sufficient 3) Good in bed 4) Kind 5) Reasonably tidy (asking for someone on your level there may be too much) 6) Interested in ideas and the world
I think 1, 2 and 6 were areas where B was lacking.
Originally Posted by job
I have one more to add to kml's list: Self starter and can follow through on what you say you will do.
Hard time focusing this afternoon. Not a surprise to anyone. I'm figuring I'll be in new thread and hopefully new direction mode by the weekend.
LOL on #5 - There were actual dirty breakfast and S24's midnight supper dishes on the counter when I left this morning which is the usual. I had thought about cleaning them up so that B wouldn't see a dirty counter (yeah - I know - why would I be trying to impress her) but realized I was running out of time. I ended up being 20 minutes late for work regardless. And her dressers which had been covered with various and sundry "stuff" but were bare when I saw them were left dusty last night although that did take an effort.
I believe that one of the pictures on POF was of my cat Amy and I watching Bloomberg News together. She does want to be sure that her portfolios are performing well I suppose As we've explored ad-nauseum, B actually on the surface ticked off pretty much all of these boxes. #3 was one that I explicitly didn't focus on but was very happy and rather surprised at the results. Even being woken up routinely at 3:30 am to just hold and be held will certainly be very missed. I was awake again this morning right then and felt the loss.
The key thing to be learned from all of this is that it is undoubtedly common for people to work hard on being the person that they think the other person wants them to be and that in turn they try to turn the other person in to their own vision of what they want. I do also think that no amount of dating, going through check lists, being extra careful is going to reveal what the real person is like. Some of us don't find out for years and years that we've been living with someone who is behind a mask.
B I think struggled to fit in to what she perceived as my world and wanted me to embrace her's. On my part I worked on accepting that she had different priorities and habits while at the same time TBH having some resentment that it took her time and attention away from me.
I will confess that I went online and checked B's dating profile. Last login was at the end of March when she was asking me how to go about deactivating it. Her and technology have not been good friends so I wasn't surprised that it was still there and still the same. This sort of snooping is so very 2016 and I'm both happy that she's not been trolling for men and annoyed at myself for having that lapse of trust that caused me to look.
I do need to believe what she has said and the actions she has taken. I do actually understand a lot of the "why" and the "what". What she has said makes a lot of sense and her actions have followed her words. Trust comes in all sorts of levels and for me it's mixed up inside perhaps because of my history with my former marriage where a lack of trust in the little things bleeds over to a lack of trust in the big things.
One thing I have learned is that I don't regret the last 6 months. Just like in my marriage I don't think that there was a single thing that I could have / would have done differently that could have changed the outcome. I don't see this as a failure for myself nor as a failure of B. Even though I am hurt and will need time to heal, right here, right now, I can honestly say that I have no regrets and I hope that B doesn't either.
I checked the weather forecast. The heavy pop-up thundershowers that have blown through here in Toronto didn't seem to go anywhere close to home. B will have had time now to get to the house and get her stuff. I'll probably leave here shortly. Rather early, but it's been a quiet day and I really can't focus.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Must be totally and completely into pie. Smokin' hot
B did really quite like the black currant and rhubarb pie I made last Sunday although she did toss out a bit of the over-cooked crust. There's still a few pieces left if you stop by in the next few days.
And she had hot flashes ALL the time so that counts for the Smokin' hot part right?
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
She left the contents of her lingerie drawer. I took a picture and messaged her that I would box them up and leave them beside the door in the morning.
It could have been overlooked in the rush but is an odd coincidence. Painful reminder of some great fun had.
Got shocked surprise and electronic kisses in return.
Pretty much everything else was picked up and nothing extra taken, nor anything left. The cats are happy to get the laundry room window back. It has one of the better views of the doves that often hang around.
I had myself a big piece of pie and then off to bed after I do the dishes. I'm hoping to have lunch with a good friend tomorrow who will probably push his opinion that I need to find someone young and limber. In good humor.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Mornings are tough and probably will be for a while. The empty spot that someone used to occupy echos in the silence. Having gone through far worse none of this is really unexpected. Even though I didn't love nearly so deeply nor as long this time, it still hurts.
This is so very very different. Unlike before there is no realistic hope of getting back together. B's stated issues for leaving are just too fundamental to overcome.
Looking around the house it's amazing how little has been changed to put it back to the way it was 6 months ago. Some things in the cupboards have been re-arranged and will probably stay that way. Unusually she had little "installed" in the bathrooms but kept most of her stuff in a travel bag as she was always shifting location between here, the cottage and elsewhere.
She had big ideas about helping to redecorate this place, one of several things that just didn't happen. She was going to take time in the summer to strip and paint the kitchen cupboards. They look the same as they did 3 years ago. The living room, dining room and bedroom were to be painted. They remain the same. The flower beds and landscaping only have my influence on them.
The cats, especially Liz are glorying in being able to hang out in the laundry room again with it's comfortable window to watch the birds out of.
Odd that she only landed here so lightly. Thinking about it though after she left the marital home she lived first with her mother and then S38. In both cases the place wasn't her's. "Her" place was in her mind I think still the marital home which she often referred to in the possessive. It took much nagging for her to refer to this as "Nona's house" and "home" rather than "Andrew's house".
There is a temptation to "get back on the horse again" and start dating but boy oh boy do I need to take at least a short break. I did look a bit more closely at what CL is up to and she seems to be working along her own path. There is a temptation to invite her out for lunch, but no.
One of the "advantages" of the fact that for whatever reason this relationship was done in stealth mode - which was always a concern to me - is that a lot of people only perhaps have a vague idea that I was dating someone. Only a select few people knew that we were living together.
There were some things that had been loaned to S38 and the GK that B said she'd bring back but aren't here. I'm expecting to mark those off as lost.
Will B invite me out to lunch or coffee? The odds are non-zero. I know that she kept in touch with pretty much everyone who she dated or even those who she just connected to via OLD. This is in some ways a positive thing about her character but also I believe a negative for me.
Will she / does she regret making the unilateral decision to leave? Perhaps. It is my intention to apply the "DB" techniques, not in an effort to get her to change her mind but to help me move forward. Do my own thing - my muted version of GAL. Do my best to not communicate. Work on finding Joy in each and every day. Many who have played the home game often have "heard me say" - "you don't know that you're living under a cloud until you walk in the sunshine". It does in some ways feel like there was some darkness over me especially in the recent times. I'm sitting at my kitchen table looking towards the east. I can see the sky lightening behind the trees.
Time for me to make my tea and have a shower.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
As we've explored ad-nauseum, B actually on the surface ticked off pretty much all of these boxes. #3 was one that I explicitly didn't focus on but was very happy and rather surprised at the results. Even being woken up routinely at 3:30 am to just hold and be held will certainly be very missed. I was awake again this morning right then and felt the loss.