Persistent Endurance (Part 5)

[LH19]

Just tell her.

[neffer]

Yes. You can´t live in an open marriage...

[MrBrside]

I wouldnt even bother to tell her..

Let her find out herself..

2 reasons in my thought process for this

1) - she doesnt respect you.. How do you think you will look to her, if she knows you know about the affairs... and still want to try

2) - She has eaten cake from day one.. I dont believe this is any different... If she is accepted into this thing, she is still lying anyway ( or more than likelly ) - and you keep detaching / walk away.. She has an agenda.. or maybe its to say "oh kids mummy tried " etc

just MHO

[LH19]

She knows you know about the affairs because that was one of your boundaries if she came in your house.

[joejoe1]

Curt,

Wow, wow, wow. You are living a lie. Your entire sitch is a lie on both sides. Your wife is lying to you and you are holding on to information like it's going to doom to world if it gets loose.

What do you think is going to happen at Rville? If you are trying to recon and your W don't know where she is starting from in your eyes then she can't be sincere. She just agreed to something, not fully knowing what she might be walking into. And when ya'll get there and all the hard questions are asked, what will be your answers. Will ya'll continue to lie, if so, then Rville won't work.

Ya'll are starting from a point of deception on both ends. You have let go of a card that should of stayed in your pocket until you did the work, but you got impatient, and is more worried about a D, then gaining respect and building a M and R off of a solid foundation.

IMO, until the truth is free and flowing between the two of you, you won't be able to become intimate to build a foundation of real love and respect. Ya'll can't be honest with each other, but want to move forward in building a M on what?

It's time for you to become the man that demands respect and is not waiting on respect. Tell your W the truth before you go there, because if you don't, when you get there and she finds out you know in front of a stranger, it won't be pretty and that will be dam near impossible to come back from.

Joejoe

[curtis7]

She knows you know about the affairs because that was one of your boundaries if she came in your house.

She knows that I’m aware that she’s in contact with OM. She doesn’t know that I know the extent and that the infidelity has continued beyond January when I confronted her the second time about hooking up with the 25 year old pickup artist in her car. She has called them her friends, trying to lead me to believe that there was no physical R with them.

I wouldnt even bother to tell her..

Let her find out herself..

2 reasons in my thought process for this

1) - she doesnt respect you.. How do you think you will look to her, if she knows you know about the affairs... and still want to try

2) - She has eaten cake from day one.. I dont believe this is any different... If she is accepted into this thing, she is still lying anyway ( or more than likelly ) - and you keep detaching / walk away.. She has an agenda.. or maybe its to say "oh kids mummy tried " etc

just MHO

It is possible she said yes to try and save face with family and the kids. That was essentially the outcome of the three failed MC sessions at the beginning of the year. She tried MC and was able to say it didn’t work.

I do like the idea of the program reps asking her the questions and her having to respond. I don’t really see anywhere on the website where it lists the requirements to attend, otherwise I could refer her to that and ask in general if she’s good with all of the stipulations.

AS, do you recall how quickly they call for the phone interview after registering?

[SteveLW]

It's time for you to become the man that demands respect and is not waiting on respect. Tell your W the truth before you go there, because if you don't, when you get there and she finds out you know in front of a stranger, it won't be pretty and that will be dam near impossible to come back from.

THIS!! With one small correction. Be the man that COMMANDS respect.

Your W is a WW. You have to switch to tough love. Or you will be in limbo for a long time. WW are notorious for doing whatever they want, and cake eating for as long as the LBH allows it.

[ovrrnbw]

She'll have to do a phone interview with the Retrovaille people first, and they will make it clear. I think....

[AnotherStander]

AS, do you recall how quickly they call for the phone interview after registering?

It's been many years but from what I remember it was very soon, like the day after we registered. In my case it was actually my XW that wanted to give it a try, in retrospect I think it was too soon and that she just wanted to do it to say she "tried everything". I looked at their website and all I can see about the interview is the following:

"First, you will need to Register for a weekend program. Once you complete the registration process, you will be contacted by the Registration Couple from the community where you will be attending the weekend. They will give you a short briefing about the expectations, and answer any questions you may have about the program."

So maybe they don't require that you promise not to be involved with an OP anymore. There's a 1-800 number you can call if you have any questions about that.

[curtis7]

What do you think is going to happen at Rville? If you are trying to recon and your W don't know where she is starting from in your eyes then she can't be sincere. She just agreed to something, not fully knowing what she might be walking into. And when ya'll get there and all the hard questions are asked, what will be your answers. Will ya'll continue to lie, if so, then Rville won't work.

It is not my intent to ambush her at Rville. Ideally, we are both completely open and honest there and use that experience as opportunity to connect, fully understand each other’s feelings, and lay the groundwork for R. A new MR built on honesty, integrity, and commitment. I agree with you that it would be best if the truth comes out and the lies on both sides stop prior to attending. I need to find a way to create a safe environment to do that where she doesn’t feel like she is going to be judged or attacked for her choices.

Ya'll are starting from a point of deception on both ends. You have let go of a card that should of stayed in your pocket until you did the work, but you got impatient, and is more worried about a D, then gaining respect and building a M and R off of a solid foundation.

IMO, until the truth is free and flowing between the two of you, you won't be able to become intimate to build a foundation of real love and respect. Ya'll can't be honest with each other, but want to move forward in building a M on what?

It's time for you to become the man that demands respect and is not waiting on respect. Tell your W the truth before you go there, because if you don't, when you get there and she finds out you know in front of a stranger, it won't be pretty and that will be dam near impossible to come back from.

It’s clear to me now that W and I did not have a strong emotional connection prior to BD, our communication was poor. We were both passive aggressive and held disappointments inside. We avoided conflict and were not able to clearly express our wants, needs, and expectations to each other. Based on current state of affairs, it’s obvious that type of relationship doesn’t work in the long run.

Disclosing what I know to her is something I’ve struggled with for many months. I held onto it for so long because I felt that once it was out she would run farther away, deeper into her A’s and WW. Instead, I chose to give her time and space and wait patiently to see if they ran their course. She was/is so resentful of me that exposure would have been the fastest path to D. At times, I’ve thought about taking some of the despicable details to my grave and never letting her know beyond the fact that I know she has been intimate with OM. Not who, what, when, where or how many times or the lies used as a cover. In time and with work on both sides, I believe that I can forgive her for those that I know about. However, I think there is a lot more lingering in the darkness that I’m not sure I even want to know about. It’s a delicate balance on the level of detail that a person needs to know to feel trusting that the truth has been told while not getting into descriptions that cause images in the mind that are difficult to erase.

This is a tough decision because I want to lay the cards on the table so we both go in with equal footing at Rville. On the other hand, I know just getting her there is half the battle. I don’t feel she is committed to me at all right now and my hope is that in going through the program we both discover there is a starting point to build on. At least, this is how many reviews and testimonials describe the program with their S that was way gone. I need to find the right time and opportunity to broach the topic of her ongoing affairs without losing her willingness to try Rville.

I’ve tried to follow the DBing principle of no relationship talks. Is attempting to have a truth conversation with her about the OM considered a relationship talk? I would not be begging, pleading, trying to change her feelings or convince that our MR is what’s right. Rather trying to understand and establish an environment where the lies can stop. I feel like we have been separated long enough where I can attempt to have an honest conversation like that which doesn’t come across as applying pressure. The objective is moreso to establish this is where we stand.