I'm SO terribly sorry you are hurting, Andrew. You are a good man, a giver, a rescuer, a prince among men, and a GREAT catch. As others before me have said, do NOT send a card. In fact, do NOT do anything else to facilitate anything for B. You packed her remaining stuff and finished her laundry. Those things are already done, though I personally would've even advised against those, but they are done, so let those be the last things you do for her. Set her free and in so doing, set yourself free.
Also, as everyone before me has said, her excuses were BS. Granted, y'all moved a little fast, but I think you did that with your eyes as wide open as was possible, all things considered. You have a few months of pleasant memories and a not terrible break-up. All break-ups are bad, but this one was mild, relatively speaking, so pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move forward. You have SO much to offer a lady and I know there is a lady out there who is more compatible with you. I don't think B is a bad person, I just think she has a LOT of baggage and has some tendencies that don't mesh well with your personality (she's a bit flaky, seems to kind of bulldoze her way into and around things, doesn't make good decisions, and is FAR more tied up in helping everyone else but you when she should really be focused on helping herself first). It seemed fairly clear from the beginning that you and B had more differences than similarities and I think, as bttrfly pointed out a few posts back, Doodler may have been the most accurate with his story. Nothing wrong with that. We ALL want to be wanted and needed. it is a very good place to be.
Hang in there, Andrew. (((((((Andrew)))))))
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
After perusing your posts (aka novellas) I think I can summarize the cause of the recent kerfuffle in your life; you got a whiff of poontang and went crazy.
isn't that the name of an 80's big hair band?
I'm not sure that I agree with everyone on every point but they are all certainly something to consider. I had always looked at B as a giver because from at least her own descriptions along with her actions she is a giving person. I suppose like everything it comes in a spectrum.
So - after 1/2 a bottle of Zinfandel (Gallo Family - very nice) I went off to bed. I was pleased by how compassionate S24 was.
I slept reasonably well - somewhat out of emotional exhaustion and was a bit surprised to wake up to a text from B confirming things for Thursday and including an ILU. I responded with KK.
Overnight I thought of a few other things of B's that were probably here and there and put them in the laundry room for her. One of my goals is to have this as streamlined and painless for me as possible. A constant trickle of this or that forgotten thing is not healthy for me. There was a bunch of kid stuff in the garden shed and winter stuff in the front hall closet that would very likely have been missed. One thing I will acknowledge about B is that she's not the most organized of people. Almost on a par with my ex-wife in fact if not a bit worse.
I won't leave her a note but will confess to putting my pancake recipe in the box along with her pre-made pancake mix and generic "pancake syrup" The pure, locally made maple syrup is mine and stays in the fridge.
So - when she comes on Thursday there's stuff in the dressing room off the MBR, the laundry room and the dining room (yes it is a fairly big house). She won't need to hunt for anything. There's no need to come back. And I won't be finding reminders. There is one small stuffed cat she picked up that's on top of the piano that I've left sitting where it is as a reminder of someone who I will persist in thinking of as a wonderful woman. It's helpful that she never felt comfortable enough here or invested in being here to do more than basic unpacking regardless of how frustrating I found it at the time.
I also sent a note to my nephew's fiance letting her know that I would be attending their wedding at the end of September solo
My current belief for what it's worth is that she found herself "what" she wanted but not "where" she wanted. The 6 figure income, loving and patient partner - those parts were good. The big house on a main street and nowhere near water - although I do have a creek in the north-east corner of the lot - wasn't. The cats and even S24 were not part of her vision either. Nor was the fact that I had my own interests that didn't include going to her cottage every weekend but rather had me out and about and doing things.
Ignoring the very flattering things that you have all said - I do know that I am a somewhat rare duck out there. I do wonder if after a few months living in her son's basement - and I do know that she and her daughter in law can clash - or back in that cramped 2 bedroom apartment with S38 and GS3/4 - I would be unsurprised if an invite for coffee wasn't forthcoming. But then again perhaps it won't. The tales that B would tell would vary from the incredibly creepy men who would contact her via OLD to a variety of other men who she says regularly flirt with her.
In her long message to me yesterday she did acknowledge that she has a lot of baggage to sort out and that it wasn't nearly as sorted as she thought. I wish her well and have only fond feelings. I did also know as anyone reading my serialized novellas would realize that I was getting pretty unhappy with the way things were going and having things end without drama and at B's initiation is very much for the best.
Perhaps B will take the time to heal herself both from this experience and also from her former marriage. While she's consistently broke, in a couple of years she'll hopefully get some money out of her inheritance and settlement which probably would be enough to buy a small house.
On the other hand, it was costing me about $400/month to have B stay here. She had good intentions on contributing and did pass over a couple of hundred to help with costs. I'm getting my old Corolla serviced on Saturday. After about 540,000 km it's now making a clunking noise in the front end. I'm suspecting worn bushing. New car for Andrew? The Toyota C-HR is quite nice.
I do confess to some curiosity as to how she's spinning this breakup to friends and family. She did make rather a big deal of meeting me and being here and how sweet and romantic I was. Her sisters and kids at least seem to have been on board with her leaving.
I am still confused as to how this went off the rails. B did indeed know what she was getting in to. I was very honest about everything. Perhaps she had a vision that I could be influenced to turn my vision of the future into what was her past. Perhaps not. Was that her explicit intent or just perhaps more likely the common tendency in us all to try to see the present and future through the mirror of the past. I know that I struggled from time to time when she would do things that reminded me of my ex and also when she didn't. In some ways I hope that she perhaps takes the opportunity to get some professional counseling to go through things. I did give her the information quite some time ago for her to pass on to her son about the free services available through the local health unit. I do doubt that she'll think of that and it's not my responsibility to suggest it.
One of the very important things I've learned over the last 3 years is to not look at sunk costs. Sure this was 6 months of my life and probably a couple of thousand dollars spent that could have been allocated elsewhere. The new vacuum cleaner is nice and the new bed is comfortable among other things. But for the most part it was a pretty good 6 months. I can look back on that, just like I can look back on the 27 years of marriage that I had and know that those experiences got me to where I am. And I'm a much better person for it all. Could I have taken other paths? Absolutely. But I didn't. And I'm ok with that.
Happy Hump Day everyone.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Andrew look to her for past for your answers, and to yours as well ... I think she saw a lovely person who had been through a terrible situation, but pulled himself up by his bootstraps and was getting on with his life, although perhaps a little lonely.
Do I think she saw you as a meal ticket? I don’t think I’d go that far, but I do think she’s very impetuous and doesn’t seem to want or know how to sit still long enough for some serious soul searching. In my observation there is a certain type of person who tends to push their way in and insist on having things their way. There was definitely an element of Cinderella’s stepmother in my mind when she immediately came in and started in on son having to move and the cats having to leave. That takes big @$$ b@lls when you’ve been in a place for like five minutes. This is one reason why I too think the excuses are total BS. Maybe she thought if the sex was good enough you’d do whatever she wanted I don’t know but there are people out there like that. I am very glad you are not someone to be manipulated in that way, and she realized it so beat a retreat.
Andrew I’ve kept my mouth shut for six months. Now she’s gone and I will be frank 🤮 I didn’t like her. I found her bossy pushy and manipulative and felt you could do far better than someone who would even think for a nanosecond that being in your life for five minutes would mean your son and fur babies would have to leave. The constant insistence that she would take care of things that never seemed to get done and putting everyone else before you when she lived in your home essentially for free ... the insistence on a new bed etc goodbye don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya!!! Congratulations Andrew you have now been treated to what my friends all would recognize as vintage bttrfly, blunt, brutally honest and protective of those she cares about. In fact I wouldn’t just pack her belongings I would leave them in one place so she won’t be going about the entire house and that’s that. Ciao Bella !!
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Give yourself some time...but we all want the best for you and it's out there...be patient. Who knows? It could be the flower lady or some lady that crosses your path when you least expect it, but whenever she does cross that path, know that she will be far more compatible with you.
BTW, don't forget to ask for your house keys when B comes around on Thursday. I may be wrong, but I do think B wants to remain friends and at some point will want to have a coffee w/you. When that time comes, you will need to decide whether or not you wish to maintain that relationship or not. Until then, continue moving forward and know that we all care about you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
One of the very important things I've learned over the last 3 years is to not look at sunk costs. Sure this was 6 months of my life and probably a couple of thousand dollars spent that could have been allocated elsewhere. The new vacuum cleaner is nice and the new bed is comfortable among other things. But for the most part it was a pretty good 6 months. I can look back on that, just like I can look back on the 27 years of marriage that I had and know that those experiences got me to where I am. And I'm a much better person for it all. Could I have taken other paths? Absolutely. But I didn't. And I'm ok with that.
Happy Hump Day everyone.
Andrew,
I'm with you bro. As terrible as the divorce was, I have lots of good memories and two wonderful sons. I don't know what my life would look like if I hadn't married my now ex-wife, but it was wonderful while it lasted.
In fact, I've reached and inflection point (or maybe a reflection point); I'm going to post to my own thread to get some feedback about things related to marriage and divorce.
Aww Andrew - we are all dancing around the elephant in the room. Obviously this was really about your unwillingness to wear a tight polyester shirt unbuttoned to your navel and a big gold chain!!!
But seriously - just because she wasn't a good fit doesn't make her a bad person or invalidate the good times. Love in maturity will mean accepting some differences in our partners, as most people aren't going to change at this age. You did a good job of that. She has issues and I think we are all agreed that expecting you to sell your house and get rid of your cars after such a short time together was way beyond presumptuous and ungrateful.
But those may also just be excuses, she could be reconciling with her ex for all we know.
Anyway you did fine, and now you have money freed up for a car payment!
Congratulations Andrew you have now been treated to what my friends all would recognize as vintage bttrfly, blunt, brutally honest and protective of those she cares about. In fact I wouldn’t just pack her belongings I would leave them in one place so she won’t be going about the entire house and that’s that. Ciao Bella !!
LOL thanks {{{bttrfly}}}}
I'm reminded of something that the lady who runs the book shop told me about one of her dating experiences. She said that when her date saw her house that he immediately was full of big renovation ideas. Then was shown the door moments later.
I do also think that the excuses are BS at least in part. It would be interesting to hear her mother's take on things. I expect that her dumping "that nice boy" with his big house because she didn't like a bit of cat hair and the stairs might not go over well with a 91 year old that remembers the War and struggled to feed and clothe her 8 children.
As far as the stuff - Hmmm - maybe I should add a bunch of 20 something's stuff to the pile accidentally and not on purpose Yeah - she still hasn't bought a house.
job - I did dust off my old POF subscription. It's paid up until next February so no rush. I'll probably mention in passing that I got dumped when I pick up my roses this weekend. It will be interesting to see what FSL's reaction will be. At just under 40 she is still a bit young for me. I'll probably start lurking online again but really I can't see actively doing anything until I get back from Madrid at the end of September. Then again - word will probably spread fairly rapidly after I have my scone on Saturday.
I do expect B to drop off the key - I'll maybe leave her a note to put it in the mailbox just to be sure.
Lunch time! A short walk then back to preparing reports for the auditors.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I'm reminded of something that the lady who runs the book shop told me about one of her dating experiences. She said that when her date saw her house that he immediately was full of big renovation ideas. Then was shown the door moments later.
I have a cousin who routinely did the same thing to every date who commented in that way on her ocean front home ... her feeling was they were more interested in the property than her so good riddance
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
The pure, locally made maple syrup is mine and stays in the fridge.
Yeah - she still hasn't bought a house.