Thanks everyone, especially as always kml who hits it out of the park.
Just thought I'd give an update.
Around quitting time, I got a long text from B which boiled down to "I'm not being fair to you", "I need to deal with my sh!t", "the house is way too big", "the cats are super annoying". This was mixed in with "I do love you", "you are amazing" and "I never wanted to hurt you". I skipped out of work early and eventually got B on the phone. I did not want this to end in text messages.
The contents of the conversation aren't really very important. She "really" didn't like being in the big house with the cats. Either of them would have been tough and she found the house oppressive. Personally I'm baffled. But then again I've spent pretty much my entire adult life here with a parade of cats. Smokey (who came with my wife), Pitti Sing, George (my little sweetheart), Tweedle Dee, Tweedle Dum, Caspian (who is now an Americat) and now of course Liz and Amy.
What does matter though is that I got something that few LBS get. Closure. There was no "well maybe it will work in the future" or anything like that. I told her that I am letting her go because that's what she wants and feels is the best for her. The conversation wasn't nearly as dispassionate as that of course. Many tissues were used on my end at least but I suspect that I'm the more emotional one.
When I got home, I did chat with S24 who was unsurprised when I broke down in to a blubbering mass talking about all of this. I was worried that he would blame me for her leaving. He accepted that I was holding firm on the house and the cats and that that was perhaps the deal-breaker for B and I think he appreciated it. This house is his home as well and the cats are dear to him too. I recall telling him more than once that he had seniority here. If nothing else, this is reinforced. And it was all done without casting blame - just accepting that these are the facts.
She took probably 75% of her stuff out today and will come back for the rest on Thursday while I'm in Toronto. Knowing B to not be the most organized of people, I took it upon myself to organize what is left. I even did the laundry she left in the hamper - cuz I'm just that wonderful There truly are no hard feelings. I do expect that she will be touched that I put this effort in. Not sure if she'll be surprised. And that's not why I'm doing it. For my part, and it's part of my personality that won't surprise people like kml - when I'm done, I'm done. Tidy up the shop, put the tools away and move on. My ex-wife was very afraid of that side of me although she didn't understand it I think. I do know that she was afraid of it being applied to her. I think that B will find it a relief that I'm not hanging on. I am upset - yes. I am hurt - yes. All of this is healthy.
I do intend to write B a nice letter or card to tell her how much I appreciated having her in my life for the last 6 months. I did notice that she'd left the roses from the first bouquet of flowers that she'd carefully dried in the first pass. I made sure they were packed. I don't want them and she can do what she likes.
So now the healing starts. Given everything I've learned about myself and relationships and how short this one was, it won't take too long but it will take the time that it takes. Certainly at least a couple of months. Probably until after Thanksgiving which is at the end of October here. I will struggle for a while with no-contact but that is an important part of the healing.
Well - I have a bottle of Zinfandel in the fridge that isn't my usual tipple but that was B's favourite and I always made sure to have around. Time to sit with a good book, a glass and some truly wonderful memories.
Tomorrow is indeed another day.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hang in there A.....she knew you had cats and knew the size of her house before she moved in so imo that is a bunch of BS. Hang in there and enjoy your wine!
There are givers and takers in this world and you are obviously a giver. B seemed more like a taker so I think you are better off for it. I hope you are able to find someone that is a giver.
I agree with your position on the house and the cats. Two items you now know for sure you want in your life. Kind of nonnegotiable. Ensure they both make it to the tick boxes when you eventually do date again.
It is nice to see how S24 is doing. Not blaming and appreciative of you and your ideals. When you least expect it, our kids are watching and learning. It seems S24 has been learning very well.
Much respect and a big bro hug.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
she knew you had cats and knew the size of her house before she moved in so imo that is a bunch of BS.
I agree! Who moves into a house with two cats if they dislike cats that much??? And when you're living there for free, who complains about a big house being "oppressive"????
Truth be told, if you had dated longer the differences between you might have become more obvious before you ended up living together. But you had a few months of good memories - it's ok to just leave it at that.
Somewhere out there is a woman who would be thrilled to find a guy who cooks, likes cats, is forgiving of figure flaws, likes to go to flea markets and other weekend type events, and take long walks. You'll find her. Despite its ending I hope this has given you some confidence.
(Oh - and maybe no more dating women who aren't divorced. Who knows if that had anything to do with it but I'm suspicious.)
I agree with J. Her excuses are excuses and BS. She new your house, she knew you had cats, and I’m sorry, unless you are severely allergic and they are pissing all over the place, anyone can live with cats. And if she doesn’t find a tiny apartment with her son and grandkids oppresive.... how is your home?
One thing is truth. She really does need to deal with her sh!t and I hope she does, before she goes and uses another guy.
Please, please don’t send her a card or a note telling her how much you enjoyed your relationship. Just end it here. It’s a move I would make in the past and it just made me look like an a$$. You’ve done enough. She has taken enough.
Next time, date. Get to know a woman, see if you are compatible and if you have the same goals and lifestyles. You always use age as a means to learning how to make it work. Sometimes it just doesn’t.
My dad will be 70 this year. He is as happily married because they are compatible and have the same desires in life. They like to travel, go to concerts, go to the gym together, try new restaurants, ride bikes on the boardwalk, spend time with friends and family . He is living his retirement years and would be miserable with someone who didn’t share his interests or have the same goals in life in retirement. And I think the biggest thing is I see each other give to each other. They do things out of their comfort zone too to make the other happy. It goes both ways.
And your S wouldn’t blame you. If us, here from the boards can see you keep giving and her taking and not being around and not helping out, I’m sure he didn’t like seeing that. He can sense that.
Again, don’t send that card/letter. Cut the ties and heal. Don’t nice guy her. You’ve done enough of that. The right one will come along. And you’ll know it.
He is living his retirement years and would be miserable with someone who didn’t share his interests or have the same goals in life in retirement.
This is a really good point. Younger people hope they will grow together. But at our ages, with retirement coming sooner rather than later, these questions are pretty important. It's often an issue even for couples who have been together a long time, if they retire and find out they have a very different idea of what that retirement time should look like. You should definitely consider if someone you are dating would like to do the same things in retirement as you.
We know you have an interest in international travel and museums, attending local weekend fairs and such, reading and intellectual pursuits. A marathoner might not be a fit for you, and we've learned that someone who wants to party every weekend at the lake isn't a fit either.
Not that someone has to fit all of your interests - BUT - there should be some common ground in your aspirations.
Please don’t send a card. You have given enough of yourself to her and it’s over.
I also agree that her reasons are BS. But, she’s done you a great favour in leaving. You have the rest of August to heal before your wonderful trip to Spain.
You will meet someone one day with the same intellect as you, who is also as well read (well almost!). Don’t ‘settle’ for anything less.
I know you fear ending up alone, we probably all do. But that will only happen if you let it.
There is nothing wrong with being alone either.....much better than being lonely in a relationship. I know which I would prefer.
After perusing your posts (aka novellas) I think I can summarize the cause of the recent kerfuffle in your life; you got a whiff of poontang and went crazy. No worries dude, it happens to everyone. Just remember, it's okay to get a whiff, just don't let the whiffee (assuming you're the whiffer) move in until the delirious effects of the whiffing have had some time to wear off.
And that's my novella.
No whiffing for you, Casanova, for at least a week. You've been naughty.
Doodler, succinct and perhaps more on point than the rest of us ....
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Her excuses about your home and those adorable cats is nothing more than a huge pile of BS. I may be wrong, but B has some very serious issues and tends to blame everyone and everything else for the mess she's in, but that is my opinion. This woman moved into your home, knowing your home was large and she also knew about your cats, Amy and Liz. She also may several attempts to change you into the man that she wanted and began talking about you two purchasing a new home together. Can you just imagine how that would have been? The adult son and grandkids would have moved in because she would have owned half the house and your son and kitties would have had to find a new place to live.
Please, do not send her a card. You have already done enough in the way of providing a nice place for her to stay and being the kind and wonderful man that you are. Cut her loose! Turn the page in your life's story and begin a new one today.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
A...I concur I would not send a card, write a sappy message or lift one more finger to assist her in any way. My guess is she saw you had financial resources. house, etc. and would have used you for it all if you would have let her. Once she realized you were not going to manipulated and drink her kool aid it was game over.
You dodged a serious bullet my friend and it would not have ended well for you at all. She would have taken you for everything you were worth if you would have let her. As I said before she is a taker and you are a giver. Find yourself another giver!
There truly are no hard feelings. I do expect that she will be touched that I put this effort in. Not sure if she'll be surprised. And that's not why I'm doing it. For my part, and it's part of my personality that won't surprise people like kml - when I'm done, I'm done. Tidy up the shop, put the tools away and move on. My ex-wife was very afraid of that side of me although she didn't understand it I think. I do know that she was afraid of it being applied to her. I think that B will find it a relief that I'm not hanging on. I am upset - yes. I am hurt - yes. All of this is healthy.