We veered into a custody discussion here but it's really really useful, thanks everyone!
Right now we are essentially doing a 4-10 schedule (Friday pm to Tuesday am with me, every other weekend). I will be doing some activity shuttling as school and activities ramp up. My older two will be in school, and the youngest in a 2-day-per-week preschool.
My W is ramping back to work, but by the nature of what she does, this will take time, and she will start at 2 days per week. The other days she will be with D3 during the day. She can't do full-time because she would not be able to fill her schedule that quickly. I am happy she is getting back to work both for her (she gets great satisfaction out of this part of her life, and the adjustment of moving 2 years ago took that way) and for me (it will balance her out hopefully, plus she establishes income and contributes at a time we really need more cash flow). I'm taking a low-pressure approach right now - if we end up filing for D that may change.
It just didn't make much sense for us this year if we did a 7-7 for instance, because we would be swapping D3 back and forth a lot in the mornings and nights. D3 was in a day-care last year and did not adjust well, and relied on D5 to help her. D3 is having a hard time adjusting right now to all these changes. So a combination of what is best for D3, and my W's ability to ramp up work, has really driven my willingness to do less than 50/50. I'd like to take a "let's see how this goes" approach and then be open to modifying the schedule -- no idea how my W views things.
If we end up starting the D process I will want 50/50 (in my state it will probably take 12-18 months to finalize, by which time we can sort out a good 50/50 plan and my youngest would be about to enter kindergarten). Of course I don't know how my W would react. The L I spoke to awhile ago did not seem concerned. I do worry though...
The 50/50 plans I like best are 7-7 or 2-2-5-5. The 2-2-5-5 gives each person the same 2 weeknights each week, but other than that it's pretty much the same as 2-2-3. Seems like everyone who responded here is at 7-7 or 2-2-3.
7-7 works best for my work schedule because I have week-long business trips a few times per year. 2-2-5-5 has its advantages though (less time between seeing the kids, plus might work better as my W ramps up working).
If you've read this far, you can tell by my long-windedness that I worry about the details a bit too much. Maybe I should have just said 50/50 and left it there. Separation is another limbo... trying to make everything work for everyone, not yet on the D path... ugh
I forgot to add... the marital home (where my W lives) is very remote. If we D, for logistical and financial reasons, that house will need to be sold, and we will need to live much closer to each other, which will make all of this much easier on everybody. The house is a huge pain TBH. 20 minutes to the school (which is also fairly remote), 30 minutes to activities (which are centrally located in civilization).
On the GAL front, I'll be off the forums a few days, weekend with the kids. Finished staining a kitchen table I'm building last night. Hit the gym today. Meditating daily. Feeling pretty energized.
I took an Uber to work today. Normally I'm just staring at my phone. Today I started chatting with the driver, he had 3 daughters, we talked about east coast vs. west coast vs. midwest life, turns out he surfs at the same spot I go to sometimes. Gave the guy a great tip, and the ride flew by. I really enjoy striking up conversations with strangers, wish I had done it more before.
Thanks for your thought and insights! Hope you have a great weekend.
FYI, I'm on a 5-2-2-5 custody schedule, which seems the most popular in my area. A 5-2-2-5 keeps your weekdays consistent, which helps when signing up kids for sport or clubs or setting up weekly work meetings. The 5's also allow for business trips and adult vacations when you get around to dating again. [My 5-2-2-5 is modified--I also get the kids before school and after school for a few hours everyday.]
I make it a point to talk to people now. Even if they are small conversations. I do this especially in elevators which always seem to be insanely long rides when done in silence. I started with regular small chit chat about weather, but now I try to make convo about something more than that. It's always short and sweet, but good enough to get outside the comfort zone. I stay off my phone as much as possible too.
I'm starting to feel a little overwhelmed as of last night. Lots going on right now.
But first and foremost, I had an awesome weekend trip with the kids, memories that will last a lifetime. I thought I would be more stressed out taking 3 kids around an amusement park for 2 days by myself, but actually being a single parent left me entirely in control of the plans, etc. and the kids were amazing. There were a few issues with my W along the way, which I will post about tonight. I had some DB successes and some DB fails in there.
We are setting up a financial consulting appointment next week with a CDFA (Certified Divorce Financial Analyst). As brief background, this was my W's idea initially, and I am fully supportive. W has stated she thought this would be good for "budgeting." As with most DB issues, I've learned to let go of trying to figure out her motives.
It was a bit of a gut punch to receive the initial documents to fill out: full disclosures of assets and expenses in preparation of D. I'm not sure if we D if I would agree to a joint advisor, although I'm not sure I wouldn't agree either. I am only interested in what's fair to both of us.
Those of you who have followed me since the beginning know I used to make a lot of lists. For this item, I see mostly positives
Pros:
+ W and I both have clear exposure to the cost of the physical separation + W and I both have clear picture of a post-D life and how we would need to adjust lifestyle + Elimination of any implication of unfairness or hiding things
Cons:
- Feels a little like a push towards D (or financial separation).
Heck, I'm not even that concerned about the outcome of this consultation... now that is DB progress! I assume the CDFA will guide us towards a financial separation. My W seems to think this is a "budget" exercise, although I'm not sure for what purpose - are we going to buy generic brand Mac&Cheese for the kids now?
On a separate note, we have MC later today. Last week was my turn to talk about issues I saw in our MR. Given some of the conflict this week I'm sure we will have plenty to discuss today. I'm not going into MC today with any agenda on my part, just planning to fully participate and see where things go.
And finally, in the back of my mind, I still have that little voice talking to me, wondering what is the point of whatever you call this? Standing? Can we ever piece together a loving MR again? All while parenting 3 young kids? I have my serious doubts.
Sometimes I think I'm not the lighthouse, and it's not my W wandering outside. Maybe my kids are the lighthouse, and I'm the one wandering outside, and periodically I have to look up and see that light. I'm not saying that I'm doing this because it is "best for the kids." But at the same time... I am not at a point where I feel comfortable moving on, where I could look my kids in the eye and feel like I was living up to the values I would like to pass onto them. I wish I could just know at what point living in accordance with my values is going to mean changing direction (if ever).
We are setting up a financial consulting appointment next week with a CDFA (Certified Divorce Financial Analyst). As brief background, this was my W's idea initially, and I am fully supportive. W has stated she thought this would be good for "budgeting." As with most DB issues, I've learned to let go of trying to figure out her motives.
It was a bit of a gut punch to receive the initial documents to fill out: full disclosures of assets and expenses in preparation of D. I'm not sure if we D if I would agree to a joint advisor, although I'm not sure I wouldn't agree either. I am only interested in what's fair to both of us.
Those of you who have followed me since the beginning know I used to make a lot of lists. For this item, I see mostly positives
Pros:
+ W and I both have clear exposure to the cost of the physical separation + W and I both have clear picture of a post-D life and how we would need to adjust lifestyle + Elimination of any implication of unfairness or hiding things
Cons:
- Feels a little like a push towards D (or financial separation).
Heck, I'm not even that concerned about the outcome of this consultation... now that is DB progress! I assume the CDFA will guide us towards a financial separation. My W seems to think this is a "budget" exercise, although I'm not sure for what purpose - are we going to buy generic brand Mac&Cheese for the kids now?
Went through the same thing here. It was definitely a gut punch going through all of the actions of D, listing out the assets, and tangibly picturing life without WAW. My pros and cons were exactly the same.
I talked about it with my IC, and here was his view: regardless of the motives, it's unreasonable to expect WAW (or you!) to be able to make a decision on how to move forward without a clear understanding of all of the implications.
My natural inclination was to be pessimistic regarding intent, and wonder why doing the exercise was important to worry about now, as opposed to when and if there was a decision to D. That line of thinking doesn't help anyone, it only makes you defensive towards WAW and pessimistic towards the future.
Knowing that reticence around having honest discussions about finances and our future together was an issue in our relationship, I treated it as a 180 opportunity. As it turns out, WAW hasn't really mentioned it since - I've done the work of organizing my documents, uploading them to Dropbox, and creating a Python script to auto-pull our transactions into a spreadsheet for budgeting. Maybe she was expecting it to be more of a fight or a struggle, I don't know - but it hasn't been really addressed since.
I talked about it with my IC, and here was his view: regardless of the motives, it's unreasonable to expect WAW (or you!) to be able to make a decision on how to move forward without a clear understanding of all of the implications.
My natural inclination was to be pessimistic regarding intent, and wonder why doing the exercise was important to worry about now, as opposed to when and if there was a decision to D. That line of thinking doesn't help anyone, it only makes you defensive towards WAW and pessimistic towards the future.
I completely agree.
Originally Posted by SteveS
Knowing that reticence around having honest discussions about finances and our future together was an issue in our relationship, I treated it as a 180 opportunity. As it turns out, WAW hasn't really mentioned it since - I've done the work of organizing my documents, uploading them to Dropbox, and creating a Python script to auto-pull our transactions into a spreadsheet for budgeting. Maybe she was expecting it to be more of a fight or a struggle, I don't know - but it hasn't been really addressed since.
I can't remember ... did you end up financial separating as well?
I can't remember ... did you end up financial separating as well?
No, probably against some advice on here. In my view, WAW are still married, and I think any area in which we can come together as a team to work through a problem, understand each other's viewpoints, and solve it together is a good thing. Doubly so given the issues we had on that front before.
