That's how I felt - after being dumped by my exH of 24 years, what's a little dating breakup really???
And her reasons given about not wanting to live in that house for 10 years - well, that's really telling. SHE doesn't have the wherewithal to move to a different/"better" house but is expecting YOU to fork over for it this early in the relationship? And with no good financial planning for the future?
She sounds to me a lot like a certain type of East Coast woman I've met through my ex's family. When my FIL remarried, he married a widow from their social circle. She had been the wife of an executive. Every summer she moved with the kids to a lake and the father commuted there on weekends. She never had to worry about bills or handle any finances, basically her husband was the "big daddy" who took care of everything but whose presence wasn't really required - just his checkbook.. Some women are raised to feel entitled to this kind of treatment - the husband is the ATM and is there to provide her with what she believes she deserves. Her only duties are hostess and occasional bed partner. My FIL, while he owned his own business, had a lovely home in a great neighborhood and a summer cottage on a nearby lake, was not a spendthrift and would discuss with her things like extravagant long distance phone bills (back in the day when that was a thing). He paid for everything while she spent the proceeds of the sale of her home on herself and her kids. Don't forget that she pretty much abandoned her kids to move far away with her ex, who knows if that contributed to the mess that S38 is in now, then she left S38 hanging high and dry to move in with you. Doesn't sound to me like someone reliable.
The only mistake here was moving B in so quick - but even in that process you've learned a lot about what you would need to be compatible with living with someone now.
She may not be brave enough to say goodbye but that's pretty much what I'm hearing. If it was just about S38 and grandkids she wouldn't be kvetching about the house. And it explains why she didn't go meet your family.
Hey, at least you got some good sex out of the deal! And maybe once you're back on the market gift shop lady or flower shop girl will make a move. Just chalk this up to a (mostly pleasant) learning experience and move forward.
What KML said... lots of valuable life lessons learned in this process. Still not fun but I think you are better off. You need someone more interested in YOU Andrew... not what you can provide. She's out there. Just don't think B is her. (((HUGS)))
Excitement? Please don't tell me you got drunk and knocked-up your neighbor's wife.
Pretty much all my immediate neighbours are well past menopause as is B. And I'm a one-gal guy. Having a hard enough time keeping up with B much less "spreading the love".
Originally Posted by doodler
We're doing well. School starts on Monday. My youngest son will be a freshman in high school this year. Both of my sons will be in high school. It's hard to believe. The years have flown by.
And, I've had several positive interactions with my XW via Our Family Wizard. Wonders never cease.
Un-accompanied by the ever so polite person in the black and white Uber? Progress!
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Feel free to ignore below - just me looking in a rather foggy mirror.
Still feeling the sadly familiar sense of the surreal. This time yesterday I was in what I thought was a pretty stable relationship. Making plans for B's birthday in a few weeks, feeling good that I had been able to hold fast on some important boundaries such as the house and my cats. Believing that any issues would be talked through like we have in the past. And that we promised to do. She in fact seemed more concerned about that than me.
Kablooie!
I did text B mid-morning to check to see if she was OK. The usual practice is that I'll let her know when I get to work - I didn't today - get a mushy message from her when she's on break and when she's done for the day, let her know when I leave etc. If I'm running late she'd usually check up on me. Today's certainly not usual.
I know she had a doctor's appt this morning so sent my message later. Her response was that she was worried about me. I finished with a wish that we had talked things out first and then have implemented radio silence.
Last night she did say that we would talk - not sure about what - her mind seemed made up. She knows I'm hurt and upset. Further conversation won't do anything about that. She actually doesn't have much stuff in the house - a load for her youngest son's pickup unless she also takes the couch which was given to us by her daughter when she moved. There will undoubtedly be a bunch of stuff that gets overlooked that I'll have to package up and stuff that leaves unexpectedly. Echos of 3+ years ago. Different song, same harmony. She did seem concerned about making sure that she told me of some of the stuff that had been acquired since she moved in that it would be staying even down to the containers I packed her lunch in last night. Not that I care. My ex was also focused on minutia.
Is this actually a discard? It sure feels like it. I'm rather a mess but am holding it together. If you were to ask me either now or 3+ years ago what I wanted - it would be for it to not have happened or for it to be over. I'm so much stronger now than I was then. At least now I have a support network to reach out to - most of whom have done a variation of WTF and "more fish in the sea".
I've removed her picture from my office desk to a drawer. Sorted through the budget and cleaned out bits of that. Some files that she had me save for her that she can get herself have been purged. Assuming that this is the end, I'm very likely going to choose to remember it for the positives and not wipe the last 6 months from my past.
One of my co-workers asked about my weekend. I made noises about being busy cooking and cleaning and she responded "you're a keeper". Similar phrases used when my ex was discarding me. Yeah - I'm a keeper - except for those who are practicing catch and release.
I both can't wait and dread getting home. Perhaps there will be some resolution.
I'm confident that B is still fond of me. We shared a bed last night although for one of the first times I wore PJs as a clear signal. She did come over in the middle of the night as usual to lay her head on my chest. I think in part it the combination of "normal" and "not" that really adds to it being surreal. I really fought that cognitive dissonance with my ex.
My plan is to just let go. I started last night with a reduced affection and contact. This morning I removed B's duvet from the bed replacing it with the old one and got her suitcase down from the high shelf where she would have had problems getting it. Clear message - if you want to leave - there's the door.
I left a note for S24 explaining things as much as they are explainable. He and B I think had gotten fairly close. This will probably confuse him and perhaps upset him thinking that I did something bad to make her want to leave. B seemed startled that I would do that but as I told her, he needed to know that I was aware that she was leaving and perhaps taking stuff while I was at work.
I am managing to get some work done. Balanced some journals that we supposedly out of balance, helped organize a load of 50% sulphuric acid (whee!), spent far too much time staring out the window at the rail-yard and watching the clock and proof-reading this post.
Well - enough for now.
Thanks everyone for the love and support.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
What do YOU want going forward? I wouldn’t just accept what she’s willing to give you. She needs to be willing to give you what you need. Don’t take crumbs just to keep her around.
What does a satisfying healthy relationship look like to you? You can have that. Even if it’s not with her
I know it doesn't feel like it now but I can't help but be rather certain that B has done you a favor here - given you a gift. I think in time you are going to feel the same way. As is most often the case, this is much more about her and who she is than anything you are or are not. The pain of all of it is the cause for the fog in the mirror. Just from how you have been writing and what you have been saying it's clear things had changed. Not sure if her going back to her former home had anything to do with it or gave her clarity? I just think you are going to see in time that you were already giving up far to much to try to fit a round peg into a square hold. On the up side you had some fun, you know you can love again, etc. You just need someone more compatible. It's good to have differences but sometimes two very different people are just not a fit. For sure, the pace was not helping to create a natural, mature, real bond. At least you know she's not going to hold on and use you for convenience and a soft place to fall. That's at least something. Far better for things to end here before any real damage or collateral damage (S24, cats, house) were cast aside.
None of this makes it easier now, but just as sure as I was before, I'm even more sure you'll see before the end of the year that she really did do you a favor. Everything happens for a reason.
And one more thing, please listen to Ginger when she tells you to factor in what YOU want. You already were giving away too much to what B wants. That's a great attribute but sometimes the cost is too high. Time to start getting ready for your trip. It might be coming at a really great time!
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
My friend you have been thru far too much to get sidetracked or derailed here and now. Sometimes things don’t follow the path we think they will, and that’s ok. There are lessons everywhere if we just stay open to learning.
Ginger is completely correct in asking what do you want - and I will add this: what do you want in your life in terms of how you want to live ? Do you want a home with cats? Do you want a lifestyle that includes long walks and healthy meals? Get granular in what you want in terms of your personal lifestyle choices, then take steps to incorporate those wants into your life, trusting that a partner will be there to share it with you if that’s what you want. Who knows it may even be B tho I feel that’s unlikely as she seems very impetuous in her choices and not very introspective so how can she truly learn from her life lessons? I also think Don is very correct she’s giving you a gift. Xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Who knows it may even be B tho I feel that’s unlikely as she seems very impetuous in her choices and not very introspective so how can she truly learn from her life lessons?
Agreed. You came riding up in your knight's armor on your steed and rescued the damsel (and she willingly went even though it meant leaving her son in the lurch) but then - how dare you! - actually tried to get her to budget and plan for her future. Instead of just going out and buying her the castle of her dreams, you actually suggested - oh no! - PRUDENT FINANCIAL PLANNING! What a monster!
My guess is she's actually not interested in taking financial control of her life, and she bailed on her son when she shouldn't have, and she desires a lakeside lifestyle that she cannot afford, and maybe the two of you are just not as compatible as you both had hoped (which is ok - that's what dating is for).
The lessons for you from this are: you can love again, sex can be better than you remembered, you should not rescue anybody, take your time to get to know someone, and maybe next time someone whose values and interests are more closely aligned with yours.
Un-accompanied by the ever so polite person in the black and white Uber?
Yep Andrew, those black and white Uber drivers carry a gun so they can afford to be nice. I'm hoping it's the end of an era for me; may my XW remain chill and mellow. Knocking on wood...
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After perusing your posts (aka novellas) I think I can summarize the cause of the recent kerfuffle in your life; you got a whiff of poontang and went crazy. No worries dude, it happens to everyone. Just remember, it's okay to get a whiff, just don't let the whiffee (assuming you're the whiffer) move in until the delirious effects of the whiffing have had some time to wear off.
And that's my novella.
No whiffing for you, Casanova, for at least a week. You've been naughty.
I found some similarities in your situation with B and the first guy I got serious with after divorce. Big one being, we were going for partners that we knew weren’t very compatible. We were trying to fit square pegs into round holes. Some of it comes from DB principles that don’t really apply to picking partners but perhaps getting along and compromising in a long term marriage. I know I wanted stability and to feel safe with someone without taking into account compatibility (which I lacked in my first marriage). I figured that based on DB principals all you needed was someone committed.
You frequently pointed out incompatibilities in between the lines of most of your posts. For example, you mention her lack of formal education and how she did not recognize or appreciate the same musical composers that you do. How she did not get the same literary references that you did. How you both saved and spent differently. You made subtle comments about loving her despite her physical flaws. I think when we start talking like that, it means we are settling.
I think it’s possible to find someone that has your interests. That you feel real chemistry with. That you are compatible with. And I wish you the best of luck.
