It's a world of laughter

[AndrewP]

Happy Saturday - er Sunday. Long weekend here and I wanted to see how Saturday turned out before posting. I'm off on Monday so this is sort of a Saturday.

Long and rambly - I think I'm working through a lot of things. Feel free to ignore and try not to judge too deeply. This is just me mostly talking to me. I'm not looking to be "fixed".

Thanks everyone for the feedback. After I digested it for a while I came to a realization. B's entire life revolves around her cottage. She doesn't do anything else. I have actually spent a - for me - decent amount of time at the cottage including an overnight. It's not really my thing. Sitting in a chair in the common area or down on the beach and not doing anything other than supervise kids, soak up the sun or gossip with her relatives most of whom I barely know isn't my idea of a good time. I like to be active, exploring, doing.

One thing I also keep in mind is that this could well be the last summer that B has for her cottage. When her 91 year old mother - who yes could live another decade - passes, the cottages will be sold. What B will do with herself then, I don't know. I cut a fair amount of slack because of that. I don't want her to resent that I took away from what may be her last season there. She's made noises that because of her problems with her relatives that "she's never going back" but I don't believe that.

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A couple of items of note that I didn't mention on a prior post.

Earlier in the week I'd noticed that there were roadside stands on my way home from the plant in front of mostly Mennonite farms with fresh flowers so on Tuesday I picked up a nice bouquet for B. She liked it but had little reaction at the time. A couple of days later though she made a point of saying how much she liked the flowers.

It's been a month or so since the last time I got her flowers and I do wonder if it's "gotten old". I do know from my former marriage that if you consistently do special things for someone they quickly stop being special. My challenge is that I like being consistent.

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On Thursday my route in to work accidentally and not on purpose had me drive past my ex's apartment. I don't know if I mentioned this or not but OM's house was sold recently which is perhaps why his stuff was being sold online. Outside the apartment was his truck hitched up to a fancy travel trailer. It might be his son's that was borrowed earlier in the year or new. Don't care, none of my business. She's off to visit D27 prior to her move to San Diego which I heard through the grapevine later. I will admit that I'm glad that she's doing that. Because D27 and I use the Life360 tracking app, I can see her going around. One thing I find interesting because it highlights the difference between her mother and I is that when I go to a visit I stay in a hotel close to her flat and go over to see her. Her mother it appears obliges her to drive out to the campground they are in.

OM's house selling and his retirement could mark a new, better chapter for my ex. She's got enough money already from me which if combined with what I expect he got out of his house for them to buy a really nice place together. Even if they cohabitate the agreement says that I need to keep sending her money which bites but it is what it is. More on that a bit later

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Back to current.

B had been (perhaps) semi-joking that if the weather was nice on Saturday that she might have a drink and then as she has a zero drinking policy when driving wouldn't be able to drive to my reunion. She did though make a very nice potato salad for me to take.

She was not very responsive to messages on Saturday morning but cell service at the cottage, especially at the beach is crap and she had things going on. As a joke I sent her a picture of a kitten that is up for adoption. It was very very cute. Spending so much time apart I think is helping me grow my backbone and harden my views on keeping the cats around or even replacing them if S24 takes them when he eventually moves out and also not moving out of this house.

I've written before and it still bugs the heck out of me on if I'm just a convenience and that if she gets the chance to be independent she'll move on. It keeps me from getting as invested in the relationship as much as I'd like to be. Trust is such a difficult thing to build when few of the pieces in the pile seem to fit. The trust "structure" that I used to have did collapse in a pile of rubble and dust and given my history with my ex, it was always a difficult thing for me anyway. I'm not necessarily talking about faithfulness, I'm talking about things big and small.

Anyhoo - so when I was picking up my scone after doing the groceries I wasn't hugely surprised to get a text from B letting me know that because on of her grand-daughters was having "issues" that she didn't want to leave them unsupervised / supervised by cousins. I let her know that I understood and was disappointed and then went on with my plans which were unchanged. B had only intended to be out there for about an hour tops anyway.

The potato salad and I got out to the farm in decent time, I had a nice visit with my oldest brother and SIL1 by their trailer to start. SIL1 was of course full of conspiracy theories and commentary about my ex which I largely ignored and changed the topic to my recent interviews, job prospects and the work being done around the farm. She has no new news and just re-hashed on how she thinks the relationship with OM will implode if they start co-habitating.

It turns out that one of my nephews was using this get together as a stag party and were out on the mighty Saugeen river which runs right past the farm on a variety of craft. When I was visiting with my one sister who came and her partner, the drunken call for rescue came in. It seems that all of the inflatable craft sank leaving them with one boat for all the guys and they were lost, confused and yes, really really drunk. My youngest brother went out with his truck to rescue. Another cousin was still coming down river with his fiance and so we went to the bank with the tractor to wait for them. The giant hog-week and stinging nettles were growing quite well but I managed to avoid them. I hung around for a bit visiting with my 3 year old nephew and then wandered back up to the house figuring that there were lots of people around.

Nephew was there, as I said very drunk as were his buddies. Much heavy drinking was also going on by others. I was actually rather relieved that this wasn't B's introduction to my family. Nephew was behaving rather irresponsibly and my brothers and his mother had to intervene more than once.

I did get a chance to tour through the new house my youngest brother and his wife are building on the old family farm. It's a rather large and grandiose place. I understand that they have gone very heavily in debt to build it. Much of it isn't to my taste but it is well designed and built. He has a lot to be proud of and I told him so. I know that for my younger brother that being validated by his brothers is very important to him. He's 15 years younger than I am and 19 younger than our oldest brother and he does look up to us.

One bit that came up was a conversation with my younger sister who was shocked at how much I pay my ex every month. She divorced her husband many years ago for reasons that I was never party to. She got a couple of grand out of his pension and a pittance in child support for a few years until the kids moved in with their dad. I think she regrets not negotiating harder as she was horrified by how much I pay. SIL1 commented on how everyone was unfriended and then leapt over to grab my sister's phone when she commented that she hadn't been. But it turned out that she had been.

Dinner was eventually consumed and I had a nice time visiting with my relations mostly ignoring the nephew hijinks and around dark headed home letting B know both when I left and when I got home safely. She worries.

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I was sitting with a glass of wine reading my current book - Skylark of Space - when S24 got home from his shift at the pub. He's been grumpy at me all week because as B told me - I cut the bread he made wrong last Sunday. Yes the apple perhaps doesn't fall far from the tree Unfortunately he was also channeling his mother and so when I mentioned that I was glad that B wasn't at the farm because it poorly represented my family he made a sarcastic remark to which I blew him a raspberry - my best move during intellectual debate. This - like his mother - got him very upset in the "how dare you mock me" way and as he left in a huff my response of "deal with it" wasn't met well either. I hate the whole walking on eggshells thing that I did for so many years and while I - generally - don't provoke - I'm not going to hide my flame under a bushel. I almost told him that he didn't "have" to live here but he was farther away and I wisely held my tongue. No need to escalate things. A positive may be that his unhappiness with living here may prompt him to actually move on. We can hope.

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S24's birthday to become S25 is coming up in a few weeks. I've picked him up a present - a CAA auto club membership to go with his new car. Hopefully his mother's not had the same idea. A cake has been ordered from my friend - salted caramel. It should be good. B commented recently that the usual chocolate cake wasn't quite to her taste and salted caramel is S24's favourite cupcake flavour. I've let 20-something who has the same birthday know so her nose may well be pressed up to the window on the door on that day.

I do hope that S24 is over his snit by then. I recall on his 20th birthday him being in a horrible snit, resenting being home and complaining that he was sick of his mother and I "always fighting" which was a surprise to me because we rarely disagreed. Although at that time his mother was starting her affair and had been making snippy and sarcastic remarks at / about me which I wasn't accepting. So - yeah - "fighting". We had words that day where I told him that as long as he was living under my roof that I expected politeness and respect. He didn't appreciate that comment.

It is what it is though. He's my son and in most of the ways that matter, my responsibility. To use a quote completely out of context but that illustrates my thoughts

We are as gods to beasts of the field. We order the time of their birth and the time of their death. Between times, we have a duty.

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Going to head out soon perhaps and have a walk and visit with my friend at the cafe over a bowl of soup for lunch. I think that she's gotten unimpressed with B because we don't spend much time together and from the outside I appear to just be a convenience for her. We may have some impression management to do. Or not. I don't know.

It's the first weekend of the month so I'm going to do the cleaning. B had said that she was going to stay on top of the bathrooms, doing them every Thursday but to my knowledge that's only happened once. In her defense, she's been busy in part still cleaning her S38's apartment and taking care of the GK. And I like cleaning so don't resent that she's not doing it beyond the whole - you should do what you said you'll do - thing.

D27 gave me the mailing address for her husband who is in the Persian Gulf right now so I'm going to assemble a care package for him. I was dissapointed because I was going to send him ketchup flavoured chips (don't know if he's tried all-dressed / tout garni - waves to DnJ) but accidentally picked up BBQ. I'm including Tim Horton's coffee, coffee crisp chocolate bars and Smarties. All things which you can't find in the US much less an air-craft carrier around the straights of Hormuz.

I also picked up some new and properly fitting pants this past week that I need to sew suspender buttons on this weekend. Last summer when I was down to 230 lbs I bought and then shrunk some nice wool trousers. I have a target weight of 220lbs / 100 kg but over Christmas and Easter went back up to 250 and have struggled to get back down. I really need to do more regular moderate exercise in the forms of walks and hikes. I've realized that contrary to her words and actions when we dated that B has less than zero interest in this. We've talked and while I don't think she understands that this is important to me and a key part of my fitness plan, she knows that it is something I want to do and will probably be something I will do on my own. With three people in the house now though there's more to be done. I'm also finding myself falling in to old bad habits of structuring my life around my partner, "waiting" for them to be available or to do things with them. This was an issue for me in the last few years of my former marriage especially when my ex would often go out to visit friends leaving me behind with no idea when she might come back or if she would want to do things with me when she did. It reminds me in some ways of a problem customer my ex had back in the day when we were both doing free-lance / part time work. She had a customer who originally used a lot of hours, had interesting things to do, who eventually just needed her to fill in on reception at lunch. An act that created minimal revenue, but also split up the day in such a way that it couldn't be sold to anyone else.

If time permits, I'm thinking that I'll get a start on my kitchen renovation. B had said months ago that she was going to paint the cupboards but that hasn't happened. There's a false ceiling in the kitchen - the last one in the house. My own thought is that pulling it down and seeing what the cupboards look like above the ceiling line is a good idea. Also, doing repairs from the top down is I think the best approach. Since I'm "unsupervised" I may start on that tomorrow. B has to work. I did mention my plan to her but I don't know if she heard so she may be surprised. It depends though on how much of the "must do" stuff gets done. That ceiling has been up there since the 1970s at least and the kitchen was last redecorated about 30 years ago shortly after we moved in. If I don't get a start this weekend the world won't end. I'm glad though that in my head I now have set that as a priority and have a plan. A good thing too is that it has a very low cost. Disposal of scrap at the dump, perhaps a bag or so of plaster. I used to be afraid to do things while my wife was around. She was always hyper critical especially of any sort of inconvenience or mess. Old attitudes are hard to shake. S24 has said that he might help but I'm not holding my breath.

Ah well - the tea pot is empty. Amy has gotten bored and wandered off. Sunday supper's plan includes a rhubarb / black currant pie and meatloaf. B has said that she may or may not make it. Hopefully this time she won't charge in at the last minute and take over again but it would be nice if she were able to join us. Hopefully S24 will be in a decent humour as well.

I may grumble and complain a lot but I know that I am a very fortunate man. Getting things out here also helps me process them and not have them fester and become bigger problems.

Have a great day everyone.

[DnJ]

Hi Andrew

I was going to send him ketchup flavoured chips (don't know if he's tried all-dressed / tout garni - waves to DnJ) but accidentally picked up BBQ.

Waves back.

Ketchup chips are probably my favourite.

Of course all-dressed, bbq, salt n vinegar, dill pickle, etc... I’m not too picky. Well the moose maple wasn’t a great flavour. I don’t even see it on the shelves anymore, perhaps Old Dutch pulled it. I don’t even think I finished that one bag I tried. A rarity.

Interestingly, on vacation I had potato chips in flavours of cheeseburger, turkey dinner, and “fries and gravy”. All three tasted like stated. Weird the flavour not matching the expected texture.

Hope you have a great day too.

DnJ

[Ginger1]

Did she really choose to have one cocktail over coming to your family reunion? If I had a strict no drinking and driving policy and my boyfriend invited me to his family reunion..... I would skip the cocktail.

You know how I feel already, so I won’t repeat it.

I agree not wait on her and just go about living your life. She can’t really be relied on, so make your sinners, eat them, do the projects you would like around the house too.

And yeah, stop with the flowers. You are overly thoughtful with someone who isn’t giving you much of a thought. And she doesn’t seem like she is appreciating much these days.

Go back to the flower store and buy yourself flowers like you always have.

[job]

Andrew,

I agree w/Ginger and B should have skipped the cocktail and attended your family function. You've been to a number of her family affairs and the least she could have done is gone to this one.

I wouldn't wait on her. Fix your dinner and eat. She has been living in your home for some time now and knows how much effort you put into your Sunday dinners. As for your projects, do them and do them because you either like to do them or they need to be done. Also, if you need to change out the décor, i.e., painting, wall paper, etc., choose colors that you like since she can't seem to follow through on most things.

I wouldn't purchase any more flowers for her. Go back to your routine and get the flowers that you enjoy and place them in your home.

Andrew, I realize that when two people meet, move in together, etc., they both need to learn how to adjust to living together. However, I think you've gone way above and beyond being accommodating and from where I am sitting, you are getting the short end of the stick. B is entirely too focused on her family and it makes me wonder if this was the major issue w/her second husband. She may very well think you are a very easy going man and will go along w/the program and not ruffle feathers to keep her in your home and bed.

You've had several talks w/her about things and yet, she goes along doing her own thing. It's almost like you two are living as roommates and not as a couple. I can understand why someone would not be impressed with her.

I hope this is a better week for you.

[AndrewP]

Posting more than usual again.

Thanks job and Ginger.

B said that she didn't show up to the reunion because of grand-kid drama not a drink. But yeah - I do wonder about her priorities. She would have known that this was a big deal for me.

I can't quite put my finger on it, but I do feel that she's keeping "her options open" and one foot out the door. She does seem reluctant to interact with my friends and family although is happy for me to interact with her's. Whether it's uncertainty about me, or just hedging her bets but as you indirectly suggest, she's not all in. I am pretty much positive that she's not shopping around for a replacement for me. On the other hand, I find that I'm not as "all in" as I would like to be too. Perhaps it's a function of our age and the pain that at least I went through.

job - as you suggest I also believe that her second husband also felt like he wasn't a priority for her either. On the other hand, one of her complaints was that he wasn't as engaged with her kids / his step kids as she wanted him to be. Now he did raise them from a very young age and was very engaged until he took early retirement at 50 and moved "up north" 5 hours away. Ignoring any other issues - she said he was diagnosed as clinically depressed well before retirement - I can understand not wanting to drive 10 hours regularly. He did tell her that it was S38 and his issues that led to him being so very unhappy. The moving "up north" was supposed to be his cure for depression.

Reading between the lines it was a similar situation with her first husband as well where she would spend the entire summer at the cottage.

Undoubtedly there were a lot of other factors in play with the end of her marriages. Financial and emotional abuse in her first, infidelity and depression in the second.

Interestingly, other than S38 who shamelessly takes advantage of her, her kids are generally happy to be living their lives and see their mother once every month or so. Her daughter does talk to her on the phone daily and I think she hears from the two younger boys every week or so on the phone. Her 2 step-kids who she raised from small children have little to do with her. It is B's belief that spending much of the last 10 years being far away and not seeing her kids regularly caused them to grow independently of her.

As far as the flowers go - I've been continuing to get my roses each week but will perhaps cut out getting flowers specially for B for the present. I recall when I was first married that I would get my wife a particular order of flowers - 3 red roses and 3 white carnations regularly. Then I noticed that they would be left to rot and after our first year or so together I stopped that. Her 57th birthday is coming up at the start of September and I may reach out to her kids to see about us all going out for dinner. She said that one of her traditions is to have a banana split on her birthday. I'm thinking of getting her a jewelry box as most of her jewelry is in various cardboard boxes and zip-lock bags. She has a mix of costume and nice pieces.

Since I had no idea when B would be home I did do Sunday supper at 6:00 as usual. I was amused in a sad way because when S24 came down he was obviously still upset and really really wanted to find something to be upset about. I ignored his mood, chatted and after the main course (meatloaf with cheese and steamed brocolli also with cheese and fresh baked buns) he excused himself and hid back in his room again. He chose not to have any pie. He goes through cycles like this all the time. I work on not taking it personally even though his anger appears to be directed at me. Maybe too much cheese?

The pie did turn out quite nicely. Black currant and rhubarb is a nice combination. I did over-bake it a bit and the crust is a bit more brown than I would have liked. When B got home around 8:00 she had a piece and said it was quite good.

As an aside, there was a "competition" between B and one of her co-workers who was also dating a younger - in her case much younger man. For both of them, there was a lot of obvious affection shown and they'd compare the love notes in their lunches. Her friend announced a few days ago that she and her boyfriend have broken up and that she's moving most of the way across the country to spend time "with a friend" which B is interpreting in the same way as the rest of us here probably are. I think it bothers her more than she lets on.

Well - it's a holiday today for me but not B. I think I'm going to go for a nice long walk on the trails in the neighbouring town then home to work on my mending pile and ironing. The dusting and sweeping also need to be done. I did get the bathrooms and cat boxes - the heavy lifting part of the monthly cleaning - done yesterday. Not sure what I'll make for dinner or if B will be doing that. We do have lots of left-over meatloaf and pie so if any of you happen to be passing by I can set out another plate. Tea pot is empty again.

[kml]

B said that she didn't show up to the reunion because of grand-kid drama not a drink. But yeah - I do wonder about her priorities. She would have known that this was a big deal for me.

Did she know? Did you tell her it was really important to you for her to meet your family and that you'd rather she didn't go to the cottage until after

And similarly, I suspect she feels that you not joining her at the cottage (yeah, I know, you spent ONE night, that's not enough!) and participating with her family there probably makes her feel like you would rather be home doing chores than sharing this very important part of her life with her. (Which may be true but if so, that may be a major compatibility issue between you two.)

AS for your ex leaving the flowers "to rot" - just because she didn't notice when they needed water or were ready to be thrown out doesn't mean she didn't appreciate the flowers. You sound like CMM!

The question here for you is how much autonomy versus time together do you both need or want? Is she happy to get away or is she secretly upset that you won't come join everybody at the cottage and drink and socialize? (btw there are canoes and things to be repaired or maintained all around the cottage I'm sure.)

[AndrewP]

LOL - kml - I can always rely on you to point out the obvious. I think that the fact that you are on the opposite side of what may be a similar relationship is extremely helpful to me at least and perhaps has given you some mustache insight Maybe I'll grow a large one later this fall for Movember in tribute.

You ask some very basic questions that I don't have answers to and have given me something to think on.

Thank you.

[AndrewP]

Well I must admit that I'm not 100% surprised. B told me tonight that she's moving out.

Her story is that S38 needs her and she needs to be there for him.

I have a lot to process. Feeling blue.

[bttrfly]

Moving out as in breaking up or just moving out?
If it's just moving out, that might be a really good thing for your relationship as you can actually get back to dating.

I'm sorry Andrew. hugs xoxoxo

[DnJ]

(((Andrew)))

I’m sorry my friend.