WW wants to reconcile (thread 3)

[SteveLW]

oops, I am concerned about your line "So I'll just keep thinking and continuing to live in the rubble where my life used to be."

Is that what AMOAFWL would do? Or would they take the bull by the horns and make their life what they want it to be.

You can't control her (that is painfully clear now) but you can control you. So go out and seize the day and make your life what you want it to be. HINT: It has nothing to do with her or anyone else other than yourself!

[LH19]

Her IC is just validating her feelings that she needs to do what makes her happy. If that is leaving you then that is what she needs to do.

I just read your signature. I'm confused by the timeline. Same guy EA/PA?

[oops13]

LH19 yeah same guy. Supposedly shes "still getting over him". Wouldnt surprise me if theyre still getting together though.

[LH19]

Yep. She could have gotten over him while living with you with you giving her space.

One of the biggest things I learned from this board is I will never tolerate an affair. If I’m dating it’s over. If I’m married I file. Once tolerated it just drags out and lowers your value in the cheaters eyes.

[oops13]

I guess this is just a lose-lose situation.

The only way I can take control of my destiny is to file, sadly that's a destiny I don't want (but might need).

[unchien]

oops - Gentle nudge: Why don't you want to file?

Destiny = outcome. Avoid the trap of trying to control outcomes. Filing for D is a big step, no doubt, but it is also an arbitrary line in the sand. People do reconcile after filing. Or they don't.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do, only you can decide. Just challenging you to try to view things a little bit differently and avoid thinking of "filing for D" as the 3rd rail you don't want to touch at any costs.

What are the pro's? What are the con's?

[oops13]

Im not at the point where I fully actually want to divorce her. So its a bluff.

[SteveLW]

Im not at the point where I fully actually want to divorce her. So its a bluff.

So she cheated on you. And you don't want to divorce her. What could she possibly do that would make you want to divorce her then? There isn't much worse than that.

[oops13]

She seems 0% committed to reconciliation and I think she's just cakewalking. She says she doesnt want the marriage right now but doesnt want to end it because she might have regrets. Shes still acting like this is something that happened to her and not something she chose to do. Shes still "in the fog" of the OM.

I deserve better than this and her. She never gave me a chance. Im afraid of life without her, but I'm thinking that is my best option and it's time for me to start recovering without her.

I know (even if I dont feel it) that this can't work unless shes fully committed. She still blames me. Even though I love her, this is done.

[SteveLW]

oops, yep. So the question is how much longer will you hang on hoping from crumbs to fall from her and OM's table?

You can't control her, but you can control how long you sit as Plan B. Take her safety net away, she may just decide that she needs to fall into it.