Lost

[Leo22]

This is really tough for you Leo, I hate reading this stuff; its very painful and I am sorry that you're here and going through all of this. I don't know if my W is in any sort of affair. finding out she is would hurt, but I am not going to go looking or quizzing because it won't do me any good.

I wanted for a long time for her to hurt like me, I suspect that is a pretty common feeling amongst the LBS crowd. I was quite angry and very hurt and just wanted to shake her until she woke up. Even if the train wreck ended, she wouldn't hurt like you because I just can't imagine its the same feeling of loss when it is an AP vice your spouse. That is just me speculating.

LB55 - I didn't want to believe she was in an affair because I knew it would be the sprinkle on the cake that drives my emotions back up. Before moving out, she just showed so many red flags actions that I knew it was possible but didn't want to believe it. Even though I knew it would hurt me badly, I wanted to know for closure and that was basically a line she crossed for me that I would not take her back. Even though the train wreck ending might not be the same hurt as I probably feel, I hope it opens her eyes on what she has done especially splitting the family apart. Who knows, my WW seems pretty attached to this AP, so might just hurt a lot as she has taken into consideration that our 10+ years of marriage is basically garbage from what I can see.

This is a tough thing and very hurtful and frustrating. The victim mentality is tough to work through, I had it for quite a while too. She made a choice that you don't like, but she didn't "do this to you". I prefer to think she is doing this to herself, and while the enjoyment is great right now it likely won't last. I take solace in that and I work on improving myself with this opportunity I've been given. Put myself in the best position to take action and decide what I want going forward with or without W. That is all I can do.

It was very hard for me to want to get out and GAL, but it certainly helps to distract a person from what is going on. I'd encourage you to get out with some friends and have a burger, go bowling, sing karaoke, whatever it is that you enjoy doing. Try to lay off the alcohol, that really keeps you down in the dumps. Get exercise because it will help you sleep and its good for your brain and body.

That's what people been trying to tell me for the most part. How this may just be a fling, new and exciting, fun adventure type deal. I speak to my sister about it because she was a LBS several years ago and that's what happened to her ex. After roughly a year of separating he realized what he done and apologized and begged for her to take him back but she stood her ground and knows she deserved better. I been trying to think this as an opportunity also - I'm not glad that it happened but at least it did while I'm still at my younger days. That's the mentality to have LB55, going forward with or without W but at this point I couldn't take her back either way. I am too disgusted by her PA.

I been just sticking to my routine. Work, gym, than GAL (weekdays usually just involve hanging out with friends whether its chilling or grabbing a bite to eat and catching up). I almost feel like the new kid in school though. I have friends but trying to meet new people is a new experience for me, it feels awkward at first but I'm actually enjoying it.
I need to try and pick up new hobbies, haven't decided on what yet though. Looking for something that is completely different for me. Slowly but surely.

[LB55]

That’s totally your choice too; to be the one to be done and never accept her back. I’m not taking a hard stance right now because I’m not 100% on the affair. She certainly has a ton of the red flags but it’s not my concern right now. I’ll cross that bridge when it reads it’s ugly head. The truth comes out eventually in all of our situations it seems. That’s a trend I’ve seen in my 8 months here. If I find an affair then I’ll have to choose what to do as well. Maybe that’s tomorrow maybe it’s not. Today I made a nice dinner and chased it with some Oreos.

[gzabetas]

Hey Leo, sorry to hear about your sitch.
It is very similar to my story, and I am only a few months ahead of you in the process.
Let me tell you that it does get better. And this coming from a man who wanted to swerve his car into the opposite lane.
As hard as it seems right now, there will come a time when you will not think about her all day. Maybe 5 or 10 minutes and maybe not even every day.

All of us wanted to make it work, read the DR book etc. But when we get bomb dropped our wives are already gone. Most of the times anyway. Thats why we need to start detaching immediately. They have a head start on us.

Sounds like there is also an infatuation, limerence with the affair person. Happens as well.
Mine had it. She was moping around the house crying when it fizzled. Cause it usually does fizzle.

Liked AS's reply. Two train wrecks cant make a whole. Very true.

I loved many of the replies here. I will also mention Sandis. She is the vet here. And she also made good points.
The emotional neglect is re-writing history. And if it was so bad, why couldnt they talk to us about it.
They surely have no problem picking fights with us now.

You may get her back one day. But would you want her. After all this disrespect.

My psychologist told me 2 things that I recall.
- Your old wife, the one you knew and loved. She is dead. You can mourn her for a few weeks. But thats it.
Go on with the living. What little time we have left as living beings should be spend with the living, not the dead.
It also rhymes with the WAW being abducted by an alien analogy we hear in this forum.
- One day she will regret it. But it will never be the same.

The second point is true as well. Who would want a person that went to such extremes to disrespect you.

In the end its not about you. We didn't cause this mess. As much as our wive's want to make us believe that.

[Leo22]

Hey Leo, sorry to hear about your sitch.
It is very similar to my story, and I am only a few months ahead of you in the process.
Let me tell you that it does get better. And this coming from a man who wanted to swerve his car into the opposite lane.
As hard as it seems right now, there will come a time when you will not think about her all day. Maybe 5 or 10 minutes and maybe not even every day.

All of us wanted to make it work, read the DR book etc. But when we get bomb dropped our wives are already gone. Most of the times anyway. Thats why we need to start detaching immediately. They have a head start on us.

Sounds like there is also an infatuation, limerence with the affair person. Happens as well.
Mine had it. She was moping around the house crying when it fizzled. Cause it usually does fizzle.

Liked AS's reply. Two train wrecks cant make a whole. Very true.

I loved many of the replies here. I will also mention Sandis. She is the vet here. And she also made good points.
The emotional neglect is re-writing history. And if it was so bad, why couldnt they talk to us about it.
They surely have no problem picking fights with us now.

You may get her back one day. But would you want her. After all this disrespect.

My psychologist told me 2 things that I recall.
- Your old wife, the one you knew and loved. She is dead. You can mourn her for a few weeks. But thats it.
Go on with the living. What little time we have left as living beings should be spend with the living, not the dead.
It also rhymes with the WAW being abducted by an alien analogy we hear in this forum.
- One day she will regret it. But it will never be the same.

The second point is true as well. Who would want a person that went to such extremes to disrespect you.

In the end its not about you. We didn't cause this mess. As much as our wive's want to make us believe that.

Gzabetas - At this point, I am really trying to convince myself that it will get better and it has little by little. The setback of emotions came back after finding about the PA and that was this past Sunday and I am actually feeling a little better by just keeping busy and hanging out with friends. A friend from the east coast that I talked to pretty consistent actually helped me a lot because he was sort of in the same situation but the biggest difference was that he wasn't married - they were just together for roughly 8 years and never committed. She cheated, he cried/begged/ask for reassurance and everything else, finally he wanted a positive outlook after so many months of spiraling down, and since then he found a new woman who treats him much better, have 2 kids together and looks very happy. The ex got jealous scrolling through his social media page and called him to make subtle clues about how much she misses him and such. The main point he was trying to get me to realize was that I just need to start focusing on my daughter and myself, set goals, and also there are plenty of fish in the sea talk. That my wife has already gone in the deep end and not even thinking about me, just this new fling she is infatuated about.

I am glad you are doing better Gzabetas. I am definitely glad that you didn't swerve into the other lane. I never thought I would go through this but I can now say I feel the pain you are going through. My emotions are crazy, there are times I think about it for only a short period of time and I'm happy than times where I question myself and play the blame game on what I could of done better.

In the future if she ever wanted to come back, I honestly don't know if I can. She is a completely different person from that one I married and she already crossed that boundary with the OM.

I am coming to realize about what you mention, its not about me. I didn't cause this, well maybe contributed a little - just a little. But I was willing to work on it and she didn't, she just walked away just like that. And everything she does at the moment, she blames me for it to validate her actions.

I hope you all are doing well that is reading this. We will get better, we will get through this mess with or without the spouse. Keep your heads up, GAL, stay positive. Thanks everyone for your input/advice.

[neffer]

That´s well said. Things that you have to DO now.

Be strong there man!

[Leo22]

That´s well said. Things that you have to DO now.

Be strong there man!

Thanks Neffer. Even though I do the things for my daughter and I, my mind still wonders off to the situation plenty of times. Its going to take some time, probably a long time to heal from this.

[Leo22]

Update:

Yesterday was the first time I saw her in a little over a week because we decided to go get the divorce papers notarized a few weeks back on that day. So its official, turned it and in roughly 2 months I will be officially considered single. We met at a local shop to get the papers done but I am surprised that when I saw her, I looked at her differently - like how disgusted I was with her behavior and the woman I married was no longer present but at the same time I felt the love I still have for her, its hard to describe. It's a bunch of mixed emotions that I feel inside. I honestly don't know if I was scared of losing her, scared to feel lonely, etc - she was my best friend, there for me through my toughest time and vice versa. I would like to think that detachment was going well but I am not going to lie - my mind wonders off a lot of time to think what she is doing, why she did this, how could she do this and it hurts. We don't text personally at all, if any, its business.


As for my daughter and myself. We been spending much more time together, I still have to tell her get off your phone. Kids these days are stuck to their tablets or phone, haha. Currently we are going to have her weekly, but is it wrong of me to not want her to go with my WW because I don't want my D to be around the other guy currently. Yesterday when we met, we were cordial but I told her, "I don't know what is going on with you but whatever respect left you have for our Daughter and myself, don't be affectionate to the OM in front of her." She said she okay, I promise - but she lied so many times already that I don't know what to believe. I can honestly say besides what she has done to me, she is still a good mother and takes good care of our D.


I am still hanging out with friends more than usual, helps out so much by just having their support. They always call or text to check up on my wellbeing and try to keep me positive.


Anyways, I just mainly wanted to give an update that the papers were finally filed as of 8/9/2019.

Thanks everyone. Hope you all have better days ahead.

[Hallzy9]

Wow Leo, that last post was really well said. The part where you wrote about the mixed emotions of seeing her:both disgust and love. I am at a similar point. I still love my W very much, but her current actions and behaviors are alien and are very unattractive to me. Maybe we love our old W who may still be in there somewhere or maybe the old W is gone for good. I guess only time will tell. But let’s not halt our lives to find out. Wishing you the best buddy.

[Leo22]

Wow Leo, that last post was really well said. The part where you wrote about the mixed emotions of seeing her:both disgust and love. I am at a similar point. I still love my W very much, but her current actions and behaviors are alien and are very unattractive to me. Maybe we love our old W who may still be in there somewhere or maybe the old W is gone for good. I guess only time will tell. But let’s not halt our lives to find out. Wishing you the best buddy.

Yeah my old W would have never done this to me especially cheated while we are going through this mess. She was so faithful, sincere, genuine, etc - I'm trying to drop the rope slowly but I still have some fingers on it that wont let go just yet because I know she is gone, the aliens have abducted her and she is a completely different person. Lately, just been talking more to friends and they play a huge role in supporting me and keeping my head above water. I wish you the best as well Hallzy9. Hope everything works out for the best!

[SoTorn]

Update: (more of me venting)

I'm hurt badly, emotionally and physically. Found out 100% that she is already having a PA daily at my "aunts" house with her husband brother. I was actually ok with going through the divorce cordially. WW told me she had respect for me and such just no love for me anymore but I guess not. I knew all those sneaky behaviors such as snapchat 24/7, video chatting with ear buds and hanging up right when she saw me, quick to get her own cell line, pushed for a fast divorce because she wanted to move on, shaved down there all the time. This kills me so bad and to find this out from my own D is horrible. She couldn't wait for the divorce to be final, she just had to sleep with OM already. I wish I didnt find out now. I just cant fathom that she met this guy about mid June and we have been married for over 10 years and throw our marriage away like it's nothing. This hurts so bad right now.

The first thing I noticed my EXWW did in March 2018 was shave down there. I had asked her to do that previously and she wouldnt and then bam one day she did. Huge red flag and I was right about her cheating.

Im sorry you are going through this. You will be ok. I am D now. I found a wonderful and stunningly gorgeous new gf. She treats me like a god. All action and zero talk. Shows me I matter. I feel fortunate that all this pain led me to this woman. There are plenty of fish in the sea and plenty that wont trat you kike garbage.