Now what?

[BarbH]

It's weird, he didn't move his accounts just started a small savings one at a different bank so he wouldn't be tempted by it. He came home the next morning and before I knew it we were talking about "spark" as I. What about #spark". I said spark and emotional reconnection can happen. Then we got into retirement and selling. I said let's face it the house will be sold next year. He said we should have sold 10 years ago and he's just finding the drive to work and maintainance of the farm too much. I said " Don, we could retire sell and move on closer to your family which I know is important". Then he says "but what if we end up in the same position we are in now in 2 years?". I said we need to be careful and learn from this and not make same mistakes. He said " I have to mull it over". I went for a nap (night shift). When he left in the afternoon he said "that was a positive day". And We'll chat next days off.

Okay I was floored. I thought after yelling at him he'd leave. Instead we end up having 3 days of more meaningful conversation than we've had in months. It's like a dam burst with all that crying and am i crazy to see a glimmer of thought about the future?I

I also thought that after the emotion of the first night he would back pedal like crazy but no, he kept talking. I am curious as to what the next days will bring. I am expecting backslide. I will continue to gal...bocce tomorrow and a powwow on sunday! And let him lead the conversation. I can't believe we're actually having them!

Regardless lawyer on thursday

[peacetoday]

Glad you will continue on with Lawyer as you watch for positive moment

only time will tell-
I would keep expectations at low and continue on with your plan B while you support H as he decides
Im glad he continues to show you positive movement back to the M

You will know more later but continue to take good care of you
No matter what he says verbally--I would watch more for action and still keep money property and all acccounts on watch

[BarbH]

Thanks peace. I'm always afraid of over analyzing everything. But that was indeed positive. He blames me for our financial issues and I think I managed okay at just validating and listening. Even with that he still said it was positive. I need to sit tight.

Then other strange thing is that he seems to respond when I get really angry. Talking to his sister his parents used to fight and I wonder if in some weird way he sees that as a sign i care about him. It's been twice now. Which doesn't mean I'm about to start fights with him but it's a strange thought.

It's hard to gal and be upbeat when I'm fighting with depression. How do people do it?

[peacetoday]

while going through the start of the crises many of us will be in extreme pain grief and depression
it lightens as time goes on and we heal
How to deal with depression
feel it
embeace

and allow it
Therapy helps and depression is part of the crises for us to grieve
sometimes a lot of unresolved grief all comes up at the same time for us-


exercise
sleep
rest
a little fun here and there
good nutrition
trust others have been through and got through it
positive u tube videos
books
music
meditation, prayer church or temple

when possible-
pretend being happy
smile
joke
fun movies
Fake it till you make it
remind self it is temporary and we go through this for the belief of healing and possibly helping the M
then we go through it for our healing and letting go of the old M

[BarbH]

Well, you guys nailed it. Just got a call on our home phone-message from his "new bank" where he only has a "mutual fund" Message: "Hi it's Crystal at TD! Good News! Call me back in office tomorrow!" This is either a car loan, or a mortgage preapproval. Since we have just been to our bank to refi the house and clear up consumer debt-I can't believe the utter irrationality of whatever it is he's done.

So I was upset, depressed, crying and then I thought" Does this info change anything?" No-off to lawyer tomorrow sep. agreement about who pays for what. If he's screwed up the refi with a new credit check-too bad, he can keep paying his portion of the consumer debt and the mortgage. I'm going ahead with finishing the bathroom and getting house ready to sell, if it comes to that. The only reason I don't want to hang onto the house is I end up living in the boonies over the winter.

Maybe he's been so pleasant because he thinks he's pulled one over on me. But who cares? I will carry on. Purging basement today, Bocce ball with friends tonight, lawyer tomorrow, in town all day Friday (on call), Bonfire at family fishing derby Saturday night (Don will be there, but that's his problem-I like the rest of his family, and they invited me), Powwow Sunday, then back to work monday. Hope I can be brave through all this. I'm starting to think of him like a rubber bouncing ball-carooming all over the place.

[Hamburg]

Barb,

Believe zero of what he says to you and pay attention to actions. The action of opening his own savings acct speaks volumes. His words will aim toward hooking you emotionally and his actions will be discordant to that. He knows your weaknesses and will manipulate you. This is not the person you once knew. My W played the sympathy card to friends and family in order to get money that she eventually blew on new furniture, clothes and her affair partner. Don't fall for it and continue to distance yourself emotionally. You sound to be doing well in terms of GAL, continue doing that.

[BarbH]

Well, probable overreaction on my part. It's not a car loan, or a mortgage approval, its a credit card with a 5000 limit. He called me after he got off work to talk about tomorrow's separation agreement. Another very pleasant, lengthy conversation. And then he proceeded to outline his entire agenda for his days off. And guys, I have to say, that any time I'm able to confirm what he's told me, it's been true. When he is in town for work, he goes to work, then home to his sisters. There isn't any wild life going on that anyone can figure out. I think our marriage was rocky enough that he got into his EA, then kicked over the traces, and is now kind of wondering if it was worth it. However, I am still Gal'ing like crazy. And purging the house, and getting the bathroom done for max dollar on resale. He's actually phoned me daily for the past week now, where a month ago I was getting essentially 3 word text messages, and then only if really necessary. I do think there's been a bit of change and he is showing positive movement.

That being said-my non negotiables are no contact with "workfriend" and marriage coaching. I've switched to a SBT therapist for my own work on me.

GAL on everybody!

[peacetoday]

Sounds good Barb

I assume his new credit card is his name only

seems like you have all your bases covered..enjoy the weekend

[BarbH]

So now I'm journaling I think with you guys. Initial lawyer meeting-she had read our 7 page intake and said "can't you just go on vacation and thrash this out"? Then we had a lovely conversation. She is suggesting that since we are amicable, and he has said in the past reconciliation is possible that we draft a kitchen table separation agreement-and gave me an outline. In simple language, outline who pays for what. What happens if someone reneges (move to formal agreement), Take photos and value all assets (snowmobiles, trailers, vehicles, tractors, etc). All debts he incurs after June 19 (BD #2) are his. Phew.

so I texted H and said "don't worry right now about getting a lawyer etc...here's what mine had to say..."if we're amicable, and potentially reconciling down the road, just sit down and do an agreement". He was at work, and usually can't respond. So he phones me later in the afternoon-and basically didn't have to as it was just to confirm what my text had said. But man, was he cranky! I said "yes, she says if we can do this amicably blah blah" and his response was "well, something to ponder" I said "I thought you wanted to chat anyway so maybe we'd get a chance to this weekend." (It's his annual family reunion at the old ranch just up the road from us). But then he did say they'd basically had two awful things happen to co-workers at his office today. One person's uncle was macheted, and another person's child is in children's hospital and that co-worker suddenly booked off 5 days special leave, so they are assuming bad news.

So maybe bad mood from that, or maybe he's backpedalling from the past week. On the upside, at least he's phoning now instead of 3 letter text messages. Either way, I know what the answer is!! Upbeat and GAL on!! I will also stop saying possible reconciliation, and just stick with amicable. I'll do what I do best when alone and a little nervous-housework/purge!

[BarbH]

PEP talk needed-I think he's coming by today on his way to the family reunion, but not sure. I'm feeling very nervous and teary this morning, need to find my core to deal with him. Need to set up time to discuss separation agreement. All I get from him now when I mention anything is "something to mull over" or "something to ponder" I will tell him if we can't come up with one, we will book a mediator and get it done.

So I'm dealing with the farm, the animals, the house (with the torn apart bathroom) the shop, the outbuildings all full of stuff. A lot of it "his" shop equipment, ice fishing stuff, snowmobiles, ham radio equipment. We have a mortgage and a significant amount of consumer debt thanks to some bad decisions and my illness. Hoping to refi the house and least get payments down to a reasonable level. We were okay with two incomes/one house but that situation is blown right out of the water.

Part of me just wants to pack my stuff, take my animals and walk away. Leave him to deal with it. Except he won't happen. And I'm still paying 1/2 the bills. If only we didn't live so far from town. I have neighbours, but I'm isolated from a lot of my friends. My sister is 4 hours away, my father is 1/2 hr away, but has dementia, and I'm also dealing with him and his living alone situation.

I've really thought about evicting tenants from dad's basement suite, and leaving. Can't see a way to do that at this point. Sell house as is? But I still have to get everything sorted and packed.

Re all his hobby equipment-I should probably take pictures of it all and attempt to value it right? He's going to claim it all has his but he's got thousands of dollars in vintage ham radios (2 rooms full), and shop equipment.

I'm backing out of the powwow tomorrow. I just realized it's 4 hours, and my tolerance for groups right now is about an hour. Going to take dog for long walk instead.

I have to give up trying to figure out what he's thinking. Stick to my track. I just wish my track was more clearly outlined as far as the house and living arrangements.

God guys, please tell me it gets better. I need to hear it today.