Married 28 years, 3 teenagers. Husband moved out 4 months ago citing my mental illness as his reason. I understand fully why he left. I haven't been a good wife. When he walked out he told me I couldn't take care of the kids, thought I'd fall apart and this would validate his decision. Thought the kids would support him. What he didn't count on is the day after he left I called my dr and requested an AD to go with my mood stabilizer. I knew I was mildly depressed but I knew this was going to push me over the edge. Much to my surprise in a few days (I'm sensitive to meds) I felt NORMAL. This is a huge deal for me because I've never felt normal. I didn't fall apart nope I did a complete 180. Once the dust settled our house became happy. I was determined to make a happy home.
WAH isn't doing so well. The kids don't like him much. Our 17 year old has disowned him. He's living in a camper while I have the house/kids full time. He has not filed for D. Our house is a rental and the lease is Oct 31. He cannot get a permanent place until this house is gone.
He knows now that I'm going great and part of me thinks he's waiting to see if my changes stick. Or hes waiting for some other reason. He might plan to live like this for years. For now we wait.
In the beginning I wanted him back immediately. I realize now that if that were to happen he'd just end up leaving again. I'm not ready and he still hates me so there is that. I see this as an opportunity to grow into a better person. I'm doing good most of the time but as soon as I hear anything about him, get a text, anything I regress. I'm still in that place where I think I can't live without him and that is how I know I'm not ready. I have to learn to make myself happy and secure before I can even think about R if by some miracle I get another chance. Every day I get stronger and more independent. I'm proud of how far I've come. I titled this I don't like rollercoasters because I don't. I still buy into the illusion that I can control the outcome of my life. Much work still to do for myself, for my kids, for my next relationship or WAH if he changes his mind.
It’s been a rough weekend. He hates me. Hates me, moved out and hasn’t filed. Why hasn’t he filed if he hates me? Sure he’s lost a daughter for a while but she will get over it. Doesn’t he want to get rid of me? Ugh
I've been reading about pain vs suffering you know looking for some greater meaning in all of this. How people can honestly say that a year later their lives are better than before. How is this possible? There is a thing called post traumatic growth and something like 80% of all people end up better somehow than before. I think about the 5 stages of grief. I look back at those hundreds of self help books I've read over the last 20 years. I became obsessed with those books after my parents disowned me. I wanted to know why? A year later (common theme here) they wanted me back. What they didn't know is the same thing WAS's don't know. The window to reconcile isn't open forever. That particular window in my case closed after 7 months. After 7 months I no longer wanted them back...unless they did the work and proved they could be safe. That never happened and I never spoke to them again.
The first year was rough but it got easier. Today I started thinking about time. I've read hundreds of these stories and most LBS move on before the 18th month mark.
In 10 more months I'll be 15 months post BD. I started a new job and sold our house 11 months ago. We've moved twice since then. Our oldest graduated high school. These things seem like they happened an eternity ago and yet it was less than a year. The difference between pain and suffering is the story we tell ourselves. If I continue on the path of I can't make it on my own or I can't BE alone I'm suffering needlessly.
I can spend the next 10 months suffering or I can accept that WAH is gone. I probably won't be able to hang onto this epiphany for long so I'm typing it out so I can reread it later. Accepting that he is gone means I accept the pain without trying to make it go away. Accepting that he is gone means I no longer have to suffer because I know in less than a year I will be light years away from where I am now. I've been here before. I know this pain. This pain will pass. I can spend the next 10 months suffering (holding onto the rope) or in pain without suffering (dropping the rope). I can't avoid pain no but I can end the suffering.
I also now think that becoming a better person, GAL is just something to do. Something to focus on during that 14-18 months. Thinking it will bring him home also keeps my mind occupied. In terms of that next relationship for me that is also something that keeps me going. Statistically my odds of getting into another R is slim. I’m a middle aged woman with kids at home. I know women date again with kids but being a single parent takes up most of my free time. I also don’t want to introduce OM into the picture. Besides the odds of that R working out is low.
I'm in pain today. I got triggered TWICE this weekend. WAH sent me a text wanting to know what the balance is on my CC trying to see if he could pay it off. We owe very little in CC debt and he was supposed to pay all that off in the "rush to get D" month. I didn't know he hadn't until I found out it was 60 days late. At that point I changed the PW since that is the only CC in my name. I should have left it alone and just paid the bill. WAH has not changed any PW's since he left. I don't even know why this bothers me. I paid the bills for 30 years and I know he is struggling. He's terrible with money. He's gone from walking around with a wad of cash in his pocket (teens told me) buying whatever they wanted/needed to shopping at Aldi's and cutting back on his spending with them. I did an online budget for him in my attempts to "nice" him back but budgets aren't his thing either. He hasn't looked at it since May.
The next trigger was when WAH took S19 camping. I don't want WAH to have any fun. I'm sure he has plenty of fun I just hate hearing about it. I was crying Saturday night and my DD16, the one who isn't talking to him said "S19 hates camping. He's only going because WAH guilt tripped him into going". True. All 3 kids hate camping. He's living in the camper and they won't even visit him there. Twice in 4 months he's guilt tripped S19 to go over there. S19 came home Sunday afternoon only to tell me that WAH is already trying to schedule the next camping trip. Even before WAH left S19 only camped once a year anyway. Nothing has changed. S19 told WAH that he was starting college in the fall and would probably be too busy to camp aka he doesn't want to and doesn't want to hurt WAH's feelings.
It's difficult to get S19 out of the house period. He's asperger's. I don't even know why this bothers me. Ugh.
4.5 months out. Again this is my journal as my story hasn't unfolded yet. Aug 2nd I was in a really....really great mood. I then stupidly decided to address a couple of items. I gave him the password to my cc and explained why I'd changed it. The other email had to do with my car. He'd gotten angry with me for asking for his help on the car but later appeared to calm down and offered to fix it. I was getting this information from S19. WAH as part of our agreement was supposed to fix my car but I've since changed my mind. My car is my responsibility. I will add a line item for it in my budget and for now it will come out of child support. I sent an email thanking him for offering to help and for his financial support but that I would handle it. He didn't respond.
I did say in the email and I needed to learn how to drive S19's car (it's a manual) in case of an emergency. S19 has been telling me this all along but this is a process and I'm still learning. I know how to drive a stick I just haven't done it in 30 years so I'm out of practice. S19 had dinner with WAH and they discussed this. S19 came home and told me about it. WAH was civil to him and agreed that I needed to learn to drive the car. WAH never....ever....ever talks about me to the kids in any neutral way. The kids have learned if they don't want to get yelled at then my name is off limits. Period. He usually he hits back emotionally but this time he didn't. It's progress.
In an attempt to put him and our D16 back together I told him via text that she said he was too angry for her to talk to. He said he wasn't and I replied it was about me. He is ENRAGED (present tense at the time I told him this), if looks could kill I'd be dead a thousand times over by now and I'm her mother. He's taken his anger out on her and she didn't like that. She then sided with me because I'm not angry and i do not blame him for leaving. I've handled him leaving with grace. 90% of the time I don't say anything negative about him. I've since been following the if I have nothing good to say then say nothing at all.
Tuesdays are when S19 has dinner with WAH because that is the day my DBT group meets. This past Tuesday D13 also had an open house. I hate those things but I go every year. This year obviously everything has changed. D13 wanted him to go and I was good with that. I met S19 for lunch and he told me that dinner would be later than normal due to the open house (I already knew this of course). What was interesting is WAH told S19 that I do all the homework (yeah that's kinda how it works when you walk out) and that he should do the open house. D16 has been snarky about the fact that all he does is write checks. She called him a very very bad name. A name I don't like saying.
WAH pays the bills, pays me child support, mows the grass, etc but the rest is on me. Anyway that day I was struggling to get everything done. All 3 kids stepped up to help and I thanked them. It was then that D16 got angry said all he has to do is write a couple of checks. That he doesn't have to DO anything. Sure I've had to hold down the fort plenty of times when he traveled or work late but now he's permanently gone.
The positive in this is he did acknowledge that I'm doing all the homework. A month ago I got the vibe that he wanted me to suffer. He knew I'd handle it so the kids would be fine it's just me that pays the price. I'm good though. This has boosted my self esteem because I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was. The family he left behind is coping just fine thank you very much. Oh well his loss....
