Gerda's Prayer Takes the Form of Angels

[Gerda]

Hi, Grace -- He was always a little heady, but we are both pretty intellectual. Now he is unintelligible. In fact I tried to edit his dissertation chapters for him several times since BD, and it would take me many days, and he would always say that I changed the meaning and not use what I did, no matter how hard I worked on it. What you are seeing in the notes I post is the disintegration of his mind and the descent into total madness. But lately I realize he thinks I am the crazy one. The projection is amazing. He also used to be really funny and would make fun of anyone who would act so dramatic and ridiculous as he now acts.

I'm also wondering how he knew about the pre-Cana classes. I only did it a few times and have never mentioned it to anyone. So he must be really hunting somewhere.

Thanks for sharing your experience (and prayers) with me -- it really helps me keep my head on straight. As does your friendship! XOXO

[Gerda]

Thanks for stopping in, KML. You are always very passionate on my behalf! : )

I think what I am seeing is a little different than what you see because I knew him before. To me these e-mails, however horrible they are, are more about the unraveling of his mind and soul than about what kind of man he was. I am always shocked to see the disintegration of his mind. It's one of my battles, to accept this reality, that he is not changing back to himself. At least not for a long time.

I did not mean he was never sexual. We had good times for sure. But it wasn't the easy part of our relationship, there was a block. He was abused as a child, in many ways. I just didn't realize until MLC hit that trauma could completely change a person like this.

The poverty thing -- his main rewrite not only of history but of the present is about money. We have none, and he has not earned more than 16K/yr in many years, and I don't see a penny of that. But our house is worth a lot and has rental income. So his obsession is that I am hiding money and that I will sell it so he can live off of the equity. He doesn't think he should have to work because he thinks he'll be rich. And he seems to have forgotten about why I wouldn't want to undertake a sale with him. He has forgotten about when he told me he wanted to sell it so he could marry the OW. He has forgotten about all our debts. And he has forgotten about all he did to lose my trust in business and in life, so he doesn't know why I am so intent on separating everything and refusing to pay anything of his. He also believes that he will finally get justice in court. He still doesn't see how no one gets real justice there.

[Gordie]

I don’t want to get caught up in the semantics of words.

Ignore the word victim.

I believe that suffering is universal.

We all face some sort of suffering—some greater than others.

In the face of terrible suffering, it is common to lose hope and feel powerless. When that happens, it is common to get to a very dark place where one seeks to either drown/escape the pain (alcohol/suicide). I am not saying that is where you are. I am saying to remember the opposite: as long as one is alive, there is always hope and choice/empowerment.

A little side story. A Holocaust survivor tells of a night in Auschwitz. Her mother and father had been killed that day. She and her sister were teenagers. So what do they do? They and their cell mates decide to take off their tops and have a best boobs contest. Frivolous? Crazy? Yes, but also a moment in which to laugh and remember that they were still silly teenage girls somewhere in their souls. Those who could not remember that and only fully absorbed all the death and suffering around them understandably lost the will to go on, to live.

[kml]

Gerda - let's assume for a moment that his mind IS unraveling, that he has prefrontal dementia or some such. (Although I suspect he was always a jerk and you just saw what you hoped to see in him - I know, I'm guilty of that too, my ex's narcissism didn't really become clear to me until after he left although in retrospect it was always there.) He is not severe enough for you to get a court order to give you control over him. His family doesn't acknowledge his mental decline. And he is refusing to hear you or get any help.

At this point your job is DONE. You cannot control every thing that happens to the other person. I couldn't stop my ex from divorcing me even though I knew his two concussions in 3 weeks just prior to his asking had something to do with it. Sometimes we simply cannot save them from themselves. (And sometimes this is who they really were all along - even with the concussions, I have to admit that my ex's issues weren't caused by the concussions, only slightly worsened by them.)

Accept that you cannot save him and let go so that you can save YOURSELF and your children.

[Gerda]

At this point your job is DONE. ....

Accept that you cannot save him and let go so that you can save YOURSELF and your children.

Hi, KML -- Oh yes, we totally agree on those two counts. That's where all my energy goes.

H was deeply flawed, yes, as was/am I; but no, he wasn't like always like this. He is totally unrecognizable to everyone we knew before, including my kids. He even looks like he is possessed. But I think you are totally right that in the practical world it doesn't matter. I think on a practical level I am mostly able to be pragmatic and to take things as they are. I post here at times when I am spiraling but mostly I see that in a practical sense, I have to proceed on face value.

I know my job is done, I just don't think God's job is done. That's where I carry a cross. It would be much easier to drop that cross. I can't drop it until I am clear that that's what God wants. I am thankful that my faith has for the most part saved me from deepest bitterness and rage. I am just not clear yet on my stand. But I will let you all know when I am!

[Grace21]

I know my job is done, I just don't think God's job is done. That's where I carry a cross. It would be much easier to drop that cross. I can't drop it until I am clear that that's what God wants. I am thankful that my faith has for the most part saved me from deepest bitterness and rage. I am just not clear yet on my stand. But I will let you all know when I am!

Gerda - IMO, it's not your cross to carry. That's the job of Jesus. Let Him take that burden from you. God's job indeed may not be done with regards to your H. In my case, I believe it is just gearing up. I believe that God is using me as a tool to help my H through his crisis. There has been significant e-mail exchanges this week between us. It's coming to the boiling point, I can feel it. But, I don't feel burdened by it. I'm praying daily about guidance on how to interact/respond to H, but I've given up the responsibility for H.

Drop the cross. Turn it over to Jesus. Gaze upon it instead, and let it uplift you.

[Gerda]

Good morning, Grace. I totally hear you and love your thoughts; I think I was not being clear. Or it might be a Catholic-Protestant thing! : )

The cross is my sorrow at losing my marriage, and the fact that I feel that I can't close the door entirely. I am not carrying my H anymore, or his cross. A priest I love once told me that H is being crucified in sin and I am being crucified in love, and I used to think about standing at that cross with him, in love. Now I don't even want to look at H, whether he is suffering or not. Sometimes I even find it too difficult to pray for him, let alone feel I could do anything to help him.

I think what I meant about carrying the cross is that I don't feel that I can close the door, move on, fall in love with someone else to cover over the wound. And what I am going through with my kids is so painful, just watching them suffer like this, I find that I want to escape from that pain and that I am constantly asking for mercy from that for my kids and thus for me. I think also that if when I am past this divorce proceeding, I will not have as much of a burden. But the onslaught from my H -- financial, emotional, practical -- is constant, and exhausting. I am going to post when I have a moment about how the appraisal went. But in short -- nothing goes peacefully, everything is a huge vicious attack, no matter how much I try to step back and not get pulled in.

I do pray everyday for Christ to carry that burden for me. Sometimes I literally use my hands to pull on the pain in my chest when I am at the altar, to give it to Christ. And it lifts at times, and I feel free. But from what I have seen around these parts, there is no way around that consequence of MLC. It will always hurt, no matter how much joy we are able to fill our lives with in other ways. Look at all the old timers who are still here, still posting and reading these stories. And then there is the loneliness of this un-family life. When you have young kids, it's really awful. Even my MIL won't speak to me or send things to the kids to my house, only to H's apartment, though they live here full time and my son won't see his dad at all. After 24 years of being family and seeing me through cancer and the death of my mom, she told me she never wanted to see me again and would only see my kids if I sent them to her alone. That is a cross, to walk entirely alone now. It's a blessing too, I am so grateful to be here after cancer to be able to see my kids through this, but it is HARD.

[SBJ]

Gerda...thanks for responding on my tread...I responded to you there, but I read yours here and wanted to respond.

I had two guys that are in our deacon program tell me tell me that if God is going to bring your spouse home, there is nothing on earth that can stop him. They were saying that I needed to put all of my focus onto me, my kids, and our life.

I agree with your priest friend in saying that they are carrying the burden of sin on their shoulders and all we can do for them at this point is to love unconditionally and to pray for them.

His will / His way / His timing!

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

Strawberry biscuit-shortcake. Yummy.

Usually when you give me one of your DnJ outreaches, there is a practical side that is eluding me -- I don't know how to DO what you are saying.

I do care about you Gerda and will offer some actual things to do - to live for what you are willing to die for.

...what I meant about carrying the cross is that I don't feel that I can close the door, move on, fall in love with someone else to cover over the wound. And what I am going through with my kids is so painful, just watching them suffer like this, I find that I want to escape from that pain and that I am constantly asking for mercy from that for my kids and thus for me.

Absolutely. Covering over the wound will not work. That is your H’s path.

Turn around, face your pain. Stop asking for mercy. Pain is motivation for change. Embrace that.

The cross is my sorrow at losing my marriage, and the fact that I feel that I can't close the door entirely. I am not carrying my H anymore, or his cross. A priest I love once told me that H is being crucified in sin and I am being crucified in love, and I used to think about standing at that cross with him, in love.

...from what I have seen around these parts, there is no way around that consequence of MLC. It will always hurt, no matter how much joy we are able to fill our lives with in other ways. Look at all the old timers who are still here, still posting and reading these stories. And then there is the loneliness of this un-family life.

This is that mentality I was talking about. The victim/martyr. It is hard to see a way out of. Perhaps a loving and trusted friend, reaching down, hand under your elbow, encouraging you to rise.

Look at this, dispassionately. From within your intellectual car. Rationalize this. See it without all the emotion and fear.

“there is no way around that consequence of MLC” - really? Is that what you believe is in my future?

“It will always hurt, no matter how much joy we are able to fill our lives with” - Always hurt? I really don’t hurt, and my life has joy. Yes there is still pain, hurt, sorrow, anger, etc.. all very small and very fleeting. Without the dark we cannot recognize the light. It just doesn’t consume anymore.

“And then there is the loneliness of this un-family life.” - Un-family life? Only a spouse has left. Family can exist in many many different formats.

“Look at all the old timers who are still here, still posting and reading these stories” - Although I do not consider myself an old timer. Why do you think I post? Am I stuck?


Turn, face it, and come at this sideways.

Ask S14 for his specific help with repairs or things of that nature. It will feed him. It will take time to get him to come around, so keep the faith. Show him a better path, by being the better path.

Play another board game. Play a group video game. Play cards around the dinner table. D10, S14, and Gerda.

I know you post mostly when upset, spinning, and when things are getting troubled. And I do realize that your life is not full-time like as posted. There are plenty of good times as well. Times when you are not even carrying the cross. When you realize that, let it be. Wait another hour before picking it up again. Then two hours. And so on. It is a progress of small increments.

I cannot remember when I stopped picking up my cross. God does carry it, and we take it back from him. Time after time. With infinite patience He allows us to grow and find peace within His embrace.

DnJ

[Gerda]

Look at this, dispassionately. From within your intellectual car. Rationalize this. See it without all the emotion and fear.

“there is no way around that consequence of MLC” - really? Is that what you believe is in my future?

Although I do not consider myself an old timer. Why do you think I post? Am I stuck?

I owe you much more than this short reply. But I don't think of you this way. You are some kind of superhero, complete with green cape. And I am sorry to say but compared to me you are a Baby LBS-er! You have been here for two years. I am on year seven. I have been through so many stages with this, though as you have noted, I mostly only post when I am in the darkest place.

And it may not seem that way but at this point I am personally totally detached, as far as my R wit H. I never think about missing H, for example, or think about wanting him to love me, for the first four years, I longed for him so deeply. I enjoy my work life and my creative work and I even started walking with a little more girlish strut in my step as I realize I am not completely dead yet. I even have a meeting with a new agent (I don't want to say too much but I have an agent for one of my creative works and this would be another area so I would have two!).

For me it is only the family side of things. It's not wanting to be a single mom with no extended family. The loneliness is killing me. I really and truly do try to find community in other places, and I do have some. But it's not the same as what you often write about with these glorious times with your family and parents, etc. It's not how I grew up, even after my parents' divorce, with tons of extended family around all the time. We almost never even hang out with my brother, and he lives in my city but is always too busy with his life and has very different values. I do find some happy moments with my kids and try to show them the best life I can. But mostly it's extremely hard and I am always struggling financially in an almost dangerous way. My kids and I are almost always alone and very lonely, we have a few friends and family that appear once in a while.

But I hear you, just keep looking for ways to do/be something positive instead of fighting a negative space/definition. You'll be glad to know we are leaving for ten days for my favorite place.

But -- I've been at it for seven years, my darlin, and I am really really tired. Attention from men has been confusing for me of late, another thing I will not go too deeply into now but I can tell that I am adjusting my ideas to what is in front of me instead of what following what I believe.

I will write more later.... Thank you for always being there for me.