Hi Andrew, Well the gravy was ok even if it was made differently - yes, there's many different ways to do things, the point is that the task was completed. An important lesson to bear in mind when living with others, regardless of the type of relationship (roommate, parent-child, partner).
What's emerging ever more clearly in each post, to me anyway, is a pattern, with B being the constant. You're the next man up. I do not mean that pejoratively at all so please bear with me - STBX missed her, she's done this all her life, etc. The question that consistently comes to my mind when reading your posts is this: what lessons has B learned from her failed relationships? I think about this a lot, and more lately: how have I and the other posters here previously behaved in relationships and how have I changed? What lessons did I learn from the failure of my marriage? How am I a different person? How does that play out in current relationships? Otherwise, we're doomed to the same result, right? You have clearly changed, for the better. You aren't going to be pushed into leaving your home. You will do your best to accommodate, but to a point - the point being not compromising yourself in the process. This, to me, is a reasonable and healthy way to be in relationship with a partner. But what about B? Has she learned anything? How has her approach to relationships changed?
Does B have champagne taste on a beer budget? I ask because insisting on bringing you to an open house for a property that's 5x the selling price of where you currently live seems extravagant at worst and unrealistic at best.
Just because B has "always" done something one way doesn't mean she has to keep doing it. Where is the accommodation for you? It's a freaking big deal in my world to meet someone's family, yet she's only giving you a couple of hours?
I don't know, makes me ask the question - where's the parity in your relationship?
Ignore this post if none of it resonates. xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I guess a question to ask yourself might be too..... what if you were dating and not living together ? Would you even see each other? Would she make time for you on the weekends?
If you feel like you are being taken for granted, why not be honest about it? Are you waiting for things to change? Are you scared she will leave if you say that? Because when resentment breeds, nothing changes and everything blows up.
I’ve learned to be a tad bit more honest with my feelings . And I don’t think your feelings of being taken for granted are unwarranted at all. I am also wondering where the parity in this relationship is? And what lessons did she get to learn to change the patterns? Because let alone be real. She made mistakes too that lead to the end of her marriage. What -80’s has she done?
I agree with bttrfly and Ginger. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need or would like to have happen w/the relationship.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
kml - thanks for the LOL. You are right - it is tough for me to "let it go".
bttrfly / Ginger1 / job - you are all exactly correct. I need to think on this.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Thanks Dawn. Yes - we don't see eye to eye on this. I'm finding that recent events indicate that I'm getting less stressed about her as she seems to be getting her life in order. Yes - I still have that statue of The Knight of the Rueful Countenance on my desk and he is a focus of my trip to Madrid in about 6 weeks. For the longest time I expected that she was following what is the "MLC Script" and was worried that she would hit her form of rock bottom and look for rescue. I'm a lot less worried about that now. She and OM seem to have some sort of arrangement that I know nothing about that appears to work for them. It's perhaps kind of like watching Nascar and hoping that there won't be a crash but also knowing that that can be the most exciting part.
We definitely don't see eye to eye, but I still love you, even if you are wrong. LOL Totally just kidding! (About the being wrong part, not the loving you part, for the record.) I understand we think differently on this and that is why I backed off of pointing it out to you all the time. I just know the sense of joy and relief that exists in not giving an F about the X and want you to know that same joy and peace. Maybe you'll get to it on your own at some point or maybe you won't but that is on you, not me. I just want you to move happily forward with B without dragging any unnecessary baggage along for the ride.
And speaking of B, others have said before me, but I'll just say I agree with them that you have to relax and let things go. That is part of living with someone. And, you also have to be bold in speaking up for yourself and what you want. Just because someone has always done things a certain way doesn't mean that they can't make some concessions for the new person in their life. Just from my outside perspective, it seems like both you and B need to communicate more and work more on concessions. I get it, though, honestly. I'm a bit (ok a WHOLE lot) of a control freak. It is hard for me to let go, especially if I have something planned and I have worked on the details. But, it is something I have to make a conscious effort to do with Sparky to keep from driving us both crazy. I think you could loosen the reins a tad in the kitchen. Of course you have different styles of cooking. So, maybe come up with a schedule (I'm a list maker and a calendar person, so schedules are my friend) and on certain nights you cook and B stays out of the way and other nights B cooks and you stay out. Or on your cook nights, let her wash dishes then you wash up on her cook nights. Maybe even throw in a night where y'all cook together. On the nights when she cooks or y'all cook together, loosen the reins a bit and let her do things her way too. Like the gravy...that made me laugh out loud. I'm sure I was making assumptions and inferences when I read, but it was almost like it pained you to say that it was edible because when you described how she made it, you just knew it wouldn't work but then it did so maybe she DOES know what she is doing, even if she doesn't do it like you do it. Does that even make sense? When it comes to her weekend forays, TELL HER you want more time with her. TELL HER you want her to stay home. She may not, but unless you voice your wants and needs, she most certainly won't address them. Explain to her that you want more time because that is what being in a relationship means to you. Someone before me said that it was weird that she was meeting your family which I think we all agree is a HUGE deal and yet she's only squeezing in a few hours out of her normal "routine" (I use the word routine VERY loosely here because B clearly is not much of a routine kinda gal) to make this happen. That tells me B needs to make some concessions too. One of the big red flags that I see emerging where B is concerned that may not have even been evident if y'all weren't living together is that she seems to be a flitter. She flits from this to that and doesn't stay in one place much. She's always going here and going there and running to the cottage for the weekend or running to rescue S38 from whatever crisis of the moment he has or whatever. Not that there is anything wrong with any of that, mind you, but you are much more low-key. You putter around the house and venture out for things occasionally but are happy just being. Is it ok with you that B doesn't seem happy with just being and needs that constant activity? Is that a disparity in your lifestyles that you can live with?
I really want you to be happy and I think B is a lovely addition to your life. I just think y'all both need to communicate more effectively instead of just going with the flow because in your case the flow is a slow, easy river while in her case the flow is like the flight of the bumblebee. Seriously, when I read your posts, I TOTALLY identify with you because I'm so a creature of habit. I say all the time I would be the single easiest person on the face of the planet to stalk and kidnap because I have a set routine and I rarely deviate from it. I even always go the same path through the grocery store. It is so boring and mundane, but that is who I am. Reading of B's "travels" through her life just makes me tired because it seems, at least in my inferences of what I'm reading, that she is always running from one thing to the next like her hair is on fire.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
As for the house stuff - I agree it makes no sense to look at a house that is worth five times your own at this age. Ideally, your goal should be to have a paid-off house before retirement. (I won't quite make that goal - due to unexpected and unshared kid expenses in the last ten years - but still expect to have it 3/4 paid by retirement, and as a backup I could downsize if needed and have no mortgage.)
It's not unreasonable to consider - in a few years - a single story house that is lower maintenance and more suited to retirement. But unless B is bringing a much bigger chunk of change than you seem to expect, and is still going to have enough to fund her own retirement expenses, I would definitely not get in over your head with housing expenses.
Odds are she's not thinking dollars and cents but just emotionally about housing. You might need, at some point in the future when she has an idea how the finances of her divorce are working out, to sit down and show her different projections for retirement, with different housing options, so she can see her money doesn't go as far as she thinks it will.
(As someone within a few years of retirement myself, these things are very much on my mind. There's a great, simple but reasonably complete retirement calculator called the Ultimate Retirement Calculator on the Financial Mentor site. It's free and easy to use and a fast way to look at various retirement scenarios. It allows you to input different income streams, one time inputs of money (like profit on selling a house), play with different tax rates and inflation rates etc. all in one pretty simple page. )
TELL HER you want more time with her. TELL HER you want her to stay home. She may not, but unless you voice your wants and needs, she most certainly won't address them. Explain to her that you want more time because that is what being in a relationship means to you.
If I'm not mistaken, I thought this conversation or at least statement already took place about two months ago???? Am I remembering correctly? I thought Andrew brought this up and B agreed, perhaps even promised to make sure she spent at least one weekend (perhaps it was two) a month together. It just seems like she promises or at least agrees to many different things but the follow through is not there. Making dinner, doing house things, spending more time, etc. Then there is contributing to house expenses - which I think she also said she was going to do but still is not. That one would be my number 1 concern - but I'm fiscally wired.
I always try myself to pay attention to what people do rather than what they say. There are a lot of people that say they will do this or do that, but then never seem to do what they say. I have no idea the motivation behind it with B. This may simply be her - good intentions, she really means it when she says it but then struggles with follow through. Hopefully it is that rather than as others have suggested to watch for - this is just her MO and you are her current soft place or just current place period. Perhaps it's time to revisit that conversation from two months ago to inquire why she has not followed through.
Andrew, you seem to be putting 100% into this, thinking about you and B as a pair long into the future, putting her needs before your own. B seems to be your priority. She is a lucky woman. I just worry she's not doing the same nor placing you in the same place as you are her - almost like taking advantage of your good nature. I hope I'm wrong.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
TELL HER you want more time with her. TELL HER you want her to stay home. She may not, but unless you voice your wants and needs, she most certainly won't address them. Explain to her that you want more time because that is what being in a relationship means to you.
If I'm not mistaken, I thought this conversation or at least statement already took place about two months ago???? Am I remembering correctly? I thought Andrew brought this up and B agreed, perhaps even promised to make sure she spent at least one weekend (perhaps it was two) a month together. It just seems like she promises or at least agrees to many different things but the follow through is not there. Making dinner, doing house things, spending more time, etc. Then there is contributing to house expenses - which I think she also said she was going to do but still is not. That one would be my number 1 concern - but I'm fiscally wired.
I know Andrew has mentioned it before, but I think it bears repeating. Yes, he's told her before and yes she has agreed and not followed through, so my point is that Andrew should tell her again, not just let it fall by the wayside because he mentioned it once, she said ok, then went on about her own business. If you want something and you don't ask for it, you most certainly aren't going to get it, so it wouldn't hurt to revisit the conversation. Further discussion may be fruitless, as you pointed out, because that may just be who B is inherently, but it still doesn't hurt to bring it up again.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
And remember, this may just be a situation that requires give and take on both sides. Andrew, you may need to get more comfortable with going to the lake with her family.From my viewpoint it's kind of a good thing that she's not being restricted to staying home every weekend just because that's YOUR default mode. And it's also ok if you don't want to do that much socializing and she does, so long as you both are ok with the time apart. I think a part of you relishes the time alone so that's ok too. This is just something that the two of you need to discuss to find the right balance for both of you. I suspect you are happier with this than you would be with a woman who was a clingnig vine.
I think a wonderful thing about relationships is having our boundaries not so much pushed as expanded to try new things. Yes, Don now that you mention it I'm pretty sure I remember the same thing re: weekends.
Andrew, we all love you, clearly! Factor that in as you ponder my friend xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
(About the being wrong part, not the loving you part, for the record.) I understand we think differently on this and that is why I backed off of pointing it out to you all the time. I just know the sense of joy and relief that exists in not giving an F about the X and want you to know that same joy and peace. Maybe you'll get to it on your own at some point or maybe you won't but that is on you, not me. I just want you to move happily forward with B without dragging any unnecessary baggage along for the ride.