Yeah listening and validating is fine, but good grief he's the one that fired you as wife, you don't need to be his emotional support system to get him through this "difficult time" OF HIS OWN MAKING!!! Let him wallow in self-despair, he deserves a little of that.
Also... I'm concerned about your kids and how this situation is impacting them. It sounded from your post like your H came over and kind of got everyone emotionally stirred up. I know sometimes here we focus on the spouse dynamic but when kids are involved that does change things sometimes.
I am in a physical S with my wife, and I have 3 small kids. My W was telling me the other day that D3 as asking her if she was going to die, and this was really hard for my W to hear. I listened and validated, and then also shared that D3 was having a difficult time at my house. D3 will tell me "Don't leave, I miss you" and start bawling. I did not share my own feelings with my W, but it crushes my heart. Internally I'm very upset because I feel like this was avoidable had we worked on our MR. I'm sharing this to point out that I want my W and I to communicate about how our kids are adjusting, but as far as my W feeling down, it's all going to be listening and validating full stop.
I almost think of what happened for you as emotional cake-eating. The WAS wants to leave, but they keep grabbing at the parts of the MR that they liked. Your H likes your emotional support - well, it's a package deal, if you don't upgrade to the "Fully invested in the MR" package, you don't get the free "emotional support" add-on.
-Another update- Reminder we are both Active Duty Military
H left yesterday. I texted him and asked how the kids are doing and he said he dropped D off and she seemed fine at the daycare center
I told him that's great and I said safe travels!!!
He wrote back. Thank you and thanks again for letting me stay with the kids it was truly wonderful.
I'm going to respond (probably via email) and say...
The next time you put money or work as a priority over spending time with your children, I will not be there to fix the situation to accommodate your poor planning.
(Initially I told him that he could NOT stay with me and that he would need to get a hotel. When I did that, he said he would have to shorten the time with the kids because he couldn't afford the car and lodging cost, so I told him he could stay with us, but that he needed to go out of state to visit his family for a portion of it)
cont..You left this family and have moved on with plans that do not include our family. I am still trying to find my way and I would appreciate that you respect my privacy and space while I go through this. I was thinking about maybe adding that playing house and faking the family is not a part of my healing and finding my way.
I know that is not great for the kids. The problem is that initially when he was permanently moved to his next duty assignment (he is in a different state now, but has duty often in my location-the one he left), we were all supposed to go, but I was not successful with getting a job placement and our home was still on the market. He did admit before he left that he wanted to try being separated so he could figure things out. This never happened because every time he returned to my location for business, he would stay at the family home we'd play happy family.... He never got into therapy or did any soul seeking (that's what he said he needed to do).
You are right, I need to stop the add-ons until he's fully invested because it was definitely emotional cake eating, plus laundry cake eating, racking up my utility bill cake eating, consuming the food I buy cake eating... I could go on. =)
I really feel for my kids though. The do not understand and they think that dad will be back when he can.
Boundary idea: "You can come to the home once you start going to IC"
I'm not even sure if that is a good enough boundary (going to IC alone may not be enough), but at least you are calling him out on his actions being inconsistent with his words.
-Another update- Reminder we are both Active Duty Military
H left yesterday. I texted him and asked how the kids are doing and he said he dropped D off and she seemed fine at the daycare center
I told him that's great and I said safe travels!!!
He wrote back. Thank you and thanks again for letting me stay with the kids it was truly wonderful.
That all sounds perfect, so why would you want to ruin it with this:
Quote
I'm going to respond (probably via email) and say...
The next time you put money or work as a priority over spending time with your children, I will not be there to fix the situation to accommodate your poor planning.
Don't do that. Just leave things on a positive note. If the situation comes up again, then you can address it.
Quote
(Initially I told him that he could NOT stay with me and that he would need to get a hotel. When I did that, he said he would have to shorten the time with the kids because he couldn't afford the car and lodging cost, so I told him he could stay with us, but that he needed to go out of state to visit his family for a portion of it)
Whose fault is this? See the bolded part. Next time just don't offer.
I like the idea of this, but I'm not sure how I would present this to him.
It was extremely difficult to get him to MC.. I'm not sure if he'd even try IC, but I wish he would. I know he has a lot of unresolved issues from his childhood.
