A year on and standing

[ToSmile]

Actually for the reason that she put up, irreconcilable difference and we have been "separated for 3 years", I was thinking of asking my lawyer to counter claim it as "Adultery" as she was wayward with EA.

Don't quite feel she should getaway with it like so easily.

[SteveLW]

Actually for the reason that she put up, irreconcilable difference and we have been "separated for 3 years", I was thinking of asking my lawyer to counter claim it as "Adultery" as she was wayward with EA.

Don't quite feel she should getaway with it like so easily.

Explored this. Unfortunately EAs don't meet the legal criteria of adultery. And in no fault states even adultery doesn't matter. Which is a real shame.

[ToSmile]

Ok. Well, on another note is that I am thinking that I would not hesitate on hiding the reason if people ask. Including the kids but for the kids, I only intend to let them know the real reason when they grow up.

At this point of time, I do not know if such thoughts a vengeful although I am still kinda calm. Nor if it is the best way t handle it.

[ToSmile]

This morning, she was asking me again how do I think of the draft papers? Why do I think it's too simple? I told her it's because it just seems to be a summary of all the items we agreed upon. Then she mentioned her lawyer advised her to keep it that way so everything would not be stone cast and in the event shall there be any changes, we can still further negotiate.

Then I told her fine, just send the official version to my lawyer. If there are any concerns or queries I'll get him to amend. Which again she told me that well this draft will be as good as the official version. Then I told her I'm ok. Just that I find the reason of divorce put forth could be better if it's adultery than irreconcilable difference.

Then she asked me what I meant by adultery. There wasn't such thing. I reminded her. This whole sitch started off with her EA and nonsense and she is telling me there ain't such thing? I am keeping it amicable does not mean there is no closure for me and she can run away from facing it.

I told her when we come to this stage, we have to face what has happened and be responsible for the facts. Not to sugarcoat it and deny of what happened. I also told her that shall one day, if the kids going to ask the reason, I will give them the truth.

Then she asked me if that day comes, can I allow her to be the one to break it to them and I'll fill in the blanks she left out? She feel it will be easier that way. I told her I understand why she will feel it that way but I do not think this situation is easy for anyone especially the kids that have it toughest.

Seriously for the WW.... They screw it up, then they make you the villain to justify themselves and now they thought they are getting away unscathed....

[Jac12]

Just the way it is bro...let it roll of your back.

Feelings come and go but unfortunately too many react to what their currently feeling rather than giving time. In this state, poor decisions are made. I think this is why they say to remove all pressure, give space, GAL, and let go. If the WW feels pressured she's going to react based on her emotions...and the circle continues.

[ToSmile]

jac12 bro, yeah I am letting it slide.

I just sum up the situation like a kid done something wrong, find a scapegoat and then think they can happily gets away with it.

I think everything only starts to sink in for them once the papers is signed.

[SteveLW]

ToSmile, is your goal to reconcile? If so, you may want to deescalate not escalate.

Threatening to D her for adultery. Threatening to tell the kids about her adultery. None of that will get you where you want to be.

You handled the draft papers perfectly: "Send them over I will have my lawyer look them over." Perfect! But then leave it at that. Even if she comes back with something else.

And guess what? At least in my state, an EA is not considered infidelity. It [censored] but most states have not caught up to the modern world. Or they don't care. Likely the last one. Since most states have moved to no-fault divorces. Which means she could get ridden more than Seattle Slew and it wouldn't matter in the D proceedings.

And it doesn't even help with custody. Judges usually take the attitude that "okay, so you proved she likes sex. That doesn't mean she isn't a good mother." So your righteous indignation over her actions that led to your sitch probably will not matter.

What does matter? How worked up she can still get you over this stuff. How is your detachment coming along?

[ToSmile]

Hi Steve,

Yes, I do hope to reconcile, but not with whom she is now.

I mentioned that was because somehow I do not want to feel like a push over and she could like get away with it and pretending that everything is all well and fine. However after a while, I kinda cool down and thought about it that there's no point for me to make it difficult for myself too.

Then I messaged her and told her look, I am not trying to make things difficult here or to challenge her to one final fight over the divorce like she mentioned. I was just bringing up the fact and have a proper closure and face what actually happened than sweeping it under the carpet.

I gave her my words that the entire thing will be amicable and I will just look to my lawyer's recommendation. Then she mentioned that she is happy that the whole thing will be amicable and she agreed we should tell the kids when they are matured enough to understand the entire thing.

She asked me to give her a chance to tell the kids first and I fill in the blanks as she feels it will be easier if it comes from her first. To which, I told her I understand why she would think of it that way but the situation will not be easy for anyone, and for the kids the toughest. I know that feeling because I was told that my dad has an active affair that had been going on for decades by my aunt although my parents are still together. That was something really tough to handle. This also made me considered before if I should buried this forever and never tell the kids...

Then after that, she thanked me for the Christmas gifts which the kids got for her that I paid for. Over the weekend I was asking the kids if they like to get something for their mum and instead of keeping it a secret till Christmas, the younger boy let the cat out of the bag. I never intend to get for her anything less her feel the pressure of pursue.

And Christmas eve, she is joining my family at my Aunt's place for a celebration and she volunteer to help me choose something my Aunt likes as after drawing the lots, I am my aunt's Secret Santa.

Sometimes, I do really find it very weird of the way she's getting involved in things and situations and with those around me and pretend like nothing has happened but yet, we are heading for a divorce.

But one thing I noted is that recently, I do get much more pleasant attitude from her. Previously I do sense much defiance from her and for some instances even when her hands were full with stuffs toppling over, she would reject when I offer the gesture just to help. On top of the improvement in communication, this morning she was trying to put on her shoes but with her hands full, she asked for my help to assist with the items first.

I don't quite get worked up with this stuff much more or feel the deep cut like how I used to. The feeling now is more like a parent learning to let go of the kid knowing that he/she will run into the wall but there's nothing I can do about it. Only in this case, it will affect my 2 sons which makes me feel crappy in this situation.

Detachment is fine, just that I need to put more effort in it particularly during this festive seasons where the mood for and as a family is strong. I try to do things which I stopped doing previously. I got a new console for the kids as their early Christmas present and was on it with them at times. Other than that, I try to gather and catch up with my friends (but during such sessions we drink alot) and also trying to get back into the routine to jog as it had been raining almost everyday here.

Now in my mind is the next festive coming up which is the Chinese New Year. I am South East Asian and we have greater celebrations for this than Christmas. There would be alot of gifting to families and reunion events. During previous years, I am the one that took care of all the gifting and expenses for this event. But now I am thinking if we are really heading towards the divorce, I would rather that she make the plan for the financial expenses for her family side and I am not going to turn up for any of the reunion events.

The outcome of that will be very big if I absence for the celebration at her side and her absence at my side. It will be akin to declaring and announcing to all extended family members it is over. So I am contemplating about that now.

[SteveLW]

ToSmile, one last piece of advice, and then I will let others weigh in. You interact with her WAY too much, and say FAR too much. You need to stop doing that. The less you say, the better. Short, concise messages.

"Send them over I will have my lawyer look them over."
"You're welcome." (For the gifts.)
"When the time comes, we can tell the kids together."

Short. Concise. To the point. Shortcuts the conversation. Avoids a back-and-forth.

My guess? Deep down you think that interacting with her, even negatively, is better than the silence with her. That is an illusion. The less you interact right now the better.

[ToSmile]

Hi Steve,

Thank you so much for sharing. I will put a conscious note to that and limit my conversation. I think I got carried away and when she initiated something, I just talk too much. Part of my talkative character.

Yesterday she was home surprisingly early, since like for months. When I got home, both kids rushed to me and she was minding her business in the bedroom writing her journal, something which I have not seen her doing for a year. She used to write that when she started her own therapy session just after BD. but I guessed she had also stopped her therapist session. Something she refused to tell me about initially when I check in on her then and I never asked since.

After dinner I got into the bedroom and noticed something was not right. I probed my elder son and then he told me that he had a quarrel with her over some minor matters and the both of them were ignoring each others. I found out what happened started counselling my elder son telling him that the misunderstanding that caused their quarrel stem from good intention and we love him a lot thus the mother's action earlier. Next I told the boy to go hug his mother. The boy cried. And the mother also turned and cried.

This morning, she thanked me for resolving their disagreement. I just told her welcomed. I noted that she had always been getting into frequent argument with the boys. She felt that she knows and is caring for them. However I felt that she has no patience to managing the kids and have unrealistic expectations on them at her current state. Thus I also try to be around as much as I can to negate such occurrence.

Anyone has any advise for me to manage above scenario particularly with the kids getting into conflict with her?